Not, mind you, that I care whether he lives or dies, but then, this would be the first time I went off the cuff and made a concrete decision to have him die with everyone else based on a vision which I had, which had him, "en clare", as well as abisha and obert, and a dog, which belonged to that uncle of mine that I mentioned I went to stay with at the instigation of my sister when I had gone vegetable because I was back home and facing my mother. Vicious female dog, that one -I will NOT speak about the vision NOW, because I am waiting to see vinnie- and the thing is, I could not stand my aunt, see, for her spiteful nature so I used to spend time outside a lot, in the garage, with the dog, rubbing it and all, and well, it sort of became very territorial over me. For me it was a bit of common sense to make friends, with it, because it was vicious, and I had to be mobile, and i think that this jagged cut on my right index finger is due to one of its boisterous shows of affection, and so, I would rub it up and down, and it would go all serene and peaceful as i sat there with it by my side, and it would remind me when I stopped what kind of duties i had towards it.
Frankly, though, all I saw was ... a DOG. It was not the only one, there was another, its litter-mate, a male coward that it bullied, and would not allow anywhere near, and when it was in heat while I was still there, it amazed me by its cunning because it opened the small side entrance that had a dead bolt with its paws, like a human, and raced to this aged terrier that stayed around the bend, ignoring my growls of anger, at it.
A little while later, as we were all preparing to sleep, I heard a commotion outside, sort of footsteps, and i went to investigate, and there it was, with a whole motley of the neighbourhood dogs around it, but it was stuck to my uncle's other dog, and it looked at me, and for the first time I understood something that my mother had mentioned to me about a dog having shame for having broken wind in public, because it looked and acted ashamed.
I laughed; it was pure logic to me:- sow=> reap. So why be ashamed?
I tried to break them loose manually, and to shoo the other dogs away, but for once my threatening presence was too weak to overwhelm the scent of a bitch in heat.
So, I went to sleep, and woke up to find that they had extricated themselves and things were back to normal.
Almost.
The dog never came near me again.
It hid in a narrow alley between my uncle's garage and the huge outer wall, and only slunk out to come eat. It also fell pregnant and lost weight, and apparently, it had managed all the other times NOT to fall pregnant, but this time it carried its litter to term, gave birth to 12 puppies and then would try to abandon the rest while picking up one, which it seemed to want to show me was the only one it was capable of sustaining.
I lost patience with it and hit it but things were never better. My uncle, in his impetuosity, decided her dilemma for her by having the whole load of them vaccinated before they were 2 weeks old, and they all died.
Around that time, i had a major falling out -story of my life- with my aunt and I decided to leave and go back to my parents (this was after my sister's incarceration and i had already been to see her and maybe it was the look of utter contempt on my mother's face that made me feel... obligated... to go back there after some weeks, I can not say, all I knew was that I had no rest, either at home or anywhere else) and the ironic thing is, the dog died the day I left.
Broken heart? a
Anyway, I had this vision of vinnie, and this dog and abisha and obert, a sort of parody of the one that had me and my cousin and aunt, because there was also a fire there, and me coming out, and well, I put two and two together, and came up with the conclusion that he and the fools with the apple chick were all now in cahoots, and so, I decided that they were all going to die, and since i had been deeply thinking, and arguing with God, and stating to Him that I had firly grapsed that, no matter where I went, I would have no real rest and so, the ONLY way that i could sustain this life He had inflicted me with and NOT always be as unhappy as i currently am was to TAKE over everything else, I grasped that I had managed to sidestep the cnat-get-over-my-mother part, by GETTING OVER her, literally, and taking charge of everything on the planet.
So, I sent vinnie, two days before I came out, the following message, which I had assumed till I came out was the reason I came out, "I am coming out as the Judge, Jury and Executioner. It has taken me 10 years, 3 back home and 7 here, to grasp that I live for revenge and I am going home to tell my mother she has 7 years left to live.U dont. Go to hell." So, when I came out, I was surprised to find that he was in Zim, with his SIM, and therefore he was NOT the one in the vision?
I decided to wait till he comes.
He arrives tomorrow anyway, so what is a single day.
That is why I am on my best behaviour, for mow, because this is such an interesting situation I want to see if he actually CARED for me as a person, or whether I was something easy to discard at the earliest opportunity.
So, maybe Monday, everyone else, worldwide, dies.
Who cares. I do not.
But then, Test me and see, right.
RIGHT!
