I Am That I Am

There is a joke in what I consider to be the funniest book I have read, "The Colour of Magic", which goes something like, if I remember correctly,someone is cursing someone else and going "you! such a one who, while wearing a copper helmet, on a mountain-top, in the middle of a storm, and says that the gods have the facial features of a diseased aloaruha root..."(I guess he meant a fool) . That is asking for trouble, there, standing in a lightning storm with a conducting metal on your head,right, but also, it has a lot to do with, translation, because if the original rendition of the curse was kept as is, things would be a whole lot different, right? Which brings me to my ... dilemna.
Moses, when God tells him to take off his shoes, fear no evil, because the place where he is standing is clean, there can be nothing which can harm him-that is what GOD meant by 'the place is holy, not this religious bullshit that copy-cats later came up with FYI- asked who shall he say sent him, and God said, "YHWH", which the scholars struggled to show as, "I Am What I Am" or "I Will Be What I Will Be", which is all, really, rubbish, because He was being consistent, He was saying that He is Now Acting as a result of what went first or was past, based on a Promise for the Future made in the Past. Which thing moses should have known, but did not, because he wanted a new thing for a new time, not something based on the old things. This moses of yours actually corrupted scripture, because if one reads what God Himself told him about the ten commandments, and what moses, in his re-iteration some forty years later, as recorded in the book of deuteronomy, actually SAID, one gets the measure of the man, a person who had no trust in God and wanted to shape God the way he wanted, as a sort of tied-to-the-jews genie or something who would always be at their beck and call. Silly fool. of course, you wont accept a thing i say because it is better for you to rubbish everything i say, but this is right in the bible, which both jews and fucking christians adhere to, you assholes! I am NOT making anything up!
Anyway, after my last post, I got to thinking. God has never dealt with my present in the present, but always in the past, because if anyone has been paying attention, then he or she would have noticed that, even before i had examined myself to figure out what I wanted, God had already hinted at it, and even before i could say that, ok, NOW I must leave home, He had already, long before the first black man to be president ever GOT to be president, said that someone would go to smooth the way for my take-over, just so that it would not seem, as many would think, that, because i have rejected my own language and think and speak in English, i probably want to be white. Or think white is special. I have looked at white women for this one reason only, which is that I had rejected every other race, having, of course, slept with women of other races and not wanting to have any such reminder in my future, but i am proud to be black, and would not change a thing in my make-up for anything in the world.
Speaking of women; I guess that, after i concluded that what I wanted God could not give me, because the last woman I had under my scrutiny, for all that she sent me mixed signals and made me unsure if she is involved with anyone or not, had made me decide that fuck this, i would state what I wanted, and preferred and then sign off on women anyway because i would not welcome any woman after this who, even if she had the right credentials, would show up on my door, simply because what I wanted was supposed to have already BEEN provided before i even KNEW I wanted it, and so, to cut a long story short, I was making myself celibate, for the rest of my life, seeing as there was nothing but disappointment out there for me.
I have a life that is like constantly walking a minefield, and i have issues of trust. God, thankfully acts consistently, and so, i can rely on Him to be "YHWH", and so, while i am not technically RULING out the fact that there may be someone in my past that satisfies the requirements that I have, that she is a virgin, has never even looked at another man, never been held by another man, and never whispered sweet nothings to another guy, nor traced her fingers down the guy's shirt front- and that, even for a guy inclined to believe God for the impossible like me, is a BIG, HUGE ask- I am saying that there is no one that has warmed my heart. Fucking liars and hypocrites the whole lot of them. Even when I state, repeatedly, to stupid women that I am not interested in second-hand women, they still show up, they still come out and think I am somehow going to be a desperado and grab whatever is there for the taking. Ah, well, i, like moses, have decided to take my shoes off and show just what I really want, and take my stand, as I am.
Look, even if I was starved of sex, and some women came out and well, she had  had a boyfriend, or a child, or is divorced, I am the type of person that does not just pick things up from that point on and ignore the past. It will rankle with me, that not only does God rate me so poorly that I must take another's leavings, but at the same time, that the woman would be silently comparing me to the previous guys. And trust me, once i get the poor woman in a corner over that, I would make her pay. I did that repeatedly over the past, and i do not want to be unhappy with women, no. I would rather have a woman that brought NO baggage, and had a past that I was happy with, and someone that was 100% focused on me, and NOT on some petty if-you-are-sparing-your-family-you-must-consider-mine-also bullshit. I am NO ONE's equal, and will NOT negoti ate over WHO I decide gets to live or die.Fuck, I do not owe anyone anything, and far as i am concerned, the woman would have to forget her family, because I would destroy them anyway, them being strangers to me. I guess that would be the litmus test of true love, for me anyway, because women, well, women are like the mythical black holes, they suck the light out of one, and then blame him for not being a man. NO, I do not want a "fair" woman, I want one that is 100% mine, which is why I realise that I was all the time struggling for something that was not mine to have, and have quit.

As I said before, I will not argue with mere mortals. If my way is too tough, well, tough, stay the fuck out of it. Maybe what God meant when He said, "through your family I fulfill your dreams" was that this would have to involve my REAL family, and not necessarily the "family" one gets when one has, for example, a wife.
Wife? That seems like the most wishful thinking of wishful thoughts, far as I am concerned. I have NO idea what He intends to do this week, but for once in my life, i am actually relaxed. I caught myself singing for the first time in a long time, when I realised that well, the die is cast, and things are about to move as they should.  

Now, if you ever wanted to see what kind of person I am, this is the kind, the kind that does not 'live on bread alone, but by every word that comes out of the mouth of God' leave a part out, at your peril if you ever  get entangled with me