"Study", He said, "to show yourself approved".

My life is probably the most... complicated... there is, and when, yesterday, I went... home [what a joke!] early, and I was asking God (I said its complicated), as I lay on my... back... catching the last of the dwindling light - cant see the sunset from the cave- just whether these women would be... it... He replied, instantly, "Study to show yourself approved", and I decided to take stock of the situation.
And get a good overview as well as an in-depth analysis.

Now, technically, though God's interference happened first, what I was aware of, and thus, what ... shaped me... was my mother's... decision... to dispossess me of the life that she herself did not apply for, but was granted to her because her own mother had no qualms about letting her live.
So, I grew up with a hatred of my mother and the interfernce of any woman in anything that I had to do.

Trust me, if any female decides, in any way, to... contribute... to whatever I did by offernig advice or trying to impede me, then that woman has  earned my undying hatred, because I so hate that!

Let a woman offer her body, fine, and if she has to show anything of the grey matter that she has between her ears, let it be that she not only follows my thought, but concedes that she is basically in need of schooling in that department, because that would not only be the truth -hey, I am technically light years ahead of anyone in terms of thought processes, and that is no lie - but that would make her more likely to... live.

frankly, anyone can disagree with me, and that is quite Ok with me, but trying to force one's own thoughts on me, when i do not force mine on anyone's, will be tantamount to slapping me in the face. that is the reason why I am going to kill michelle, and take my time about it, because she actually came out of her house, got on a bus, or her mama-in-waiting's car, and had the nerve to confront me and tell me that I should go home, which endeavour she had tried unsuccessfully through butt-head to effect - and i am going to gut that fool as well, and , as i said, take my time about it-  and my question is, who the fuck are you to tell me what to do, and who the fuck are you to try to FORCE me to do what you want?

so, that statement above effectively makes even nicky?, who came with her brother to happy valley, a dead woman walking, because I am a person who takes GREAT pleasure in handing out pain, trust me, and once i do have a cause for doing it, and the wherewithal to effect my vengeance, I do not ... hesitate.

now, that is just the cream on top, lets get down to basics.

Growing up, I had the... opportunity... to observe and despise the customs of people, especially in the process of... 'love'..., or the formalisation of the said phenomenon.

you would find a mother sitting... obsequiously... on the floor while the man-folk lounged on sofas and decided what was to be done about the daughter who had been... asked for... from the parents by the family of this bashful young man who wants to have her as wife, and ten times out of ten you would find that, amid the hurried conferences, the one who had the power of veto and the real vote was the woman who sat there, and either offered her own two words out of every thousand spoken, or whispered to the daughter what she thought she should say she wanted, and of course, everyone, even the man folk hidden in their goaties, would take heed, if they knew what was good for them.

i resolved i would never marry, not if it meant that I would have to go through the process of having everything i wanted to ask a girl filtered through the lens of the profit-seeking mother.

Fact is, though, as I wanted sex, and not much else from a woman, I resolved not to even have anything much to do with a woman who was traditional, and then it became, through the years, that i would have nothing to do with a fellow-country woman, then it was that i would have nothing to do with a blck woman, because mainly of the hair.

I was involved with a girl, this one that ended up with God giving me the "My yoke is easy ... " speech, who was a hair dresser, and when I plumbed the depths and found out why women would spend volumes and volumes of time trying to look perfectly... natural, I said hell, no, fuck that, NO WAY would i be party to such a fraudulent waste of time... fuck, some girl told me that if a man knew what was good for him he should not ever come between a girl and her hair, so, i would rather have a girl who had no0 need to have any time wasted on her hair, since I am the quint-essential Mr- Possessive, and will have NOTHING come between me and a woman, NOT even God.

Now, as time passed and I finally decided to focus my anger mainly on this very same God Who had given me, unasked for, fifteen  extra years of this life, and I started to blame HIM for the things that were happening in my life when it was a ... fact... that "in Him we live and move and have our being", and so, one could, if one was in a situation like mine -which is unique in that, while God for you all is a distant Entity, One you have to seek out, I have only to turn inwards, and or just be walking along and basically be doing anything, and He is instantly involved- have to ask something like, OK, so is THIS why You came into my life,started dispensing Your wisdom, and then gave me 15 years FOR?

And He would reply, like that time He put words in my mouth, with something like, 'tell me what You want from me', which is funny, really because the song from which that statement came from was DMX/sisqo asking the women what they wanted from him/them, as well as listing the women.

God was therefore pointing out that the ONLY way, indeed that I could be happy was to have more than one woman, and as I said, He put words in my mouth, and I said "ten million dollars... to build that thing", and as it so happened, I ended up with ten women that I have to say were not just mere... rubbish.

let me tell you that in... detail.

I have a low opinion of women, and i was unlike that guy who was told by a prospective father-in-law that if he wanted the daughter of the man, he should catch just one bull that came out of the stall, and when the stall was opened, he saw the first that came out as too ferocious, and let it go, and then the next was worse, and so on, till in the end all the bulls had been released and he had no bull, and thus, no means to impress the man into letting his daughter become his.
As I said, I am unlike that. my plicy is to latch on to the first woman that even... smiles.. at me, but, since i have learnt by bitter experience that these smiles usually hide something sinister, I have resolved not to give in to my... experimental...  nature.

Actually, it took God to draw me out of that, when michelle insulted me by ... taking me out... in my rags, and trying to palm off her daughter on me.

I was SO pissed off, because up till that day, i had built up such a hype as to what "September 18: Independence Day" was all about. When I found out THEN just what i was... allowing... women to do to me, I realised two things:-
1)that I would never allow anyone else to do the same to me
2)that I was going to go straight from being a stranger to being a killer of this woman without having to go through the route of being a lover, because the fucking bitch WAS insulting me;- so I decided to start closing the noose on her.Till she asked me what i was still doing here, and I asked God, and he sent the ten million dollars vision.

The women were not the worthless ones that were the likes of michelle or hwer mama-in-law, who also, now that i think of it, made me so perplexed till God took advantage again of the ...hype mentality of mine... and sent the Sunday October 21 vision of the  stunned-blonde's picture, when I exploded at HIM, and maybe caused the woman to momentarily realise that not even God was enough to pull me back, that i was as contrary as they came, and could not be reasoned with. Maybe she momentarily realised that, and then dismissed it as a joke, and carried on.If she had not, she would probably have been one of the few of her family i left alive, to die when i leave, but alas, she thought i coould be manipulated, and coerced to do as she wanted, and now, she will pay the price. I intend to take my time in inflicting as much pain on her and hers, on the kids she wanted to give me, on her daughter she sent to... interest me, on moto mia, on the guys she put in her car, on all the fucking lot of them, because NO ONE ... reasons... with the maverick. I dictate,suckers, and you follow, or get the fuck out of my way. I have NO time to waste on diplomacy or on stupid arguments with people that I have less respect for than a cockraoch has for a dead body.

Anyway, the fifteen women are the type that i can be confident of that once they tasted of me, they were hooked permanently, that no one esle ever interested them, that there was no one else in their lives from then on, and the same can be said of the german girl, of the diffident come-to-church woman, and also, of the woman that I meet, and yesterday tried to avoid late afternoon by going home early, because she has been showing all the signs of being hooked on getting my approval, and i have said NOTHING to her.

but, eight years with 18... 20... women? hell no, of course there will be more, but on my terms!

The... Invisible... THING!

The book 'Memoirs of an invisible man' begins with, "if you could see me now...."
I am at the moment totally ... flummoxed... by the fact that I am something that has ... no stereotype, and even more so when I add the facts up and realise that God not only knew the basic thing about me, but He ... INITIATED it , for whatever reason that He had.

the clues are all there, in what he personally said to me, "In the year king Uzziah [of the sacrifice]... died", "Tell them the source of the  cloud that does not bear water", and "Government Thor: Cape Flats", and also, in the statement in the bible in Isaiah 54;- "Yet it... pleased Him to wound him".

What the fuck am I talking about?

Simple:- I HATE God, and the reason, michelle, why I never did anything about you before, why I never even went home nor pursued you nor did anything you would have considered manly was because i had absolutely NO intention of doing God, who gave me no choice where he is concerned, about anything, ANY favours.

He told me, when I was about to let butt-head go and take what the mother offered, that He would not let me fall, not like He would warn me when I am about to fall, but He would personally make sure that THAT did not happen, and my... resentment of Him stretches from the day that he waltzed in my life, and then had the gall to... advise... me about what to do with my life, and then tell me to be myself.

how, the fuck does one get to be himself when he has no choice but to follow some fucking path that is laid for him?

Well, fuck God!

I hate Him and the fact that I was tricked by him into ending up in this silly situation, unable to go anywhere because my hatred of Him is such that i will be pleased to cut off my own feet just so that He has no foothold in my life, and yet, acting in a manner that left me with no choice but to see to it that I end up dealing destruction everywhere... well, I have finally had enough, and while i will never settle down and accept this... companion that He 'gave' me; at the moment I have no choice but to make use of it.

remember me saying that I will leave some people alive in the Western Cape, that I would free the families of these people that I have called the 'ten' and such of the ... others thatmake up the remainder?

well, no such luck.

I will only take the women that have ... fuck that, I will take the eighteen women, and they will save only themselves, and even then, my eye is NOT on them for good, because to me ... EVERYTHING that comes from God, Who gave me no choice and has been busy in my life passing comments and doing this... 'friendship' thing... as though we were in agreement; well, anything from Him is to me ... tainted.

but that is NOT the good news. The good news is that I will not be invisible anymore. I am taking over your governments, fools, and will invest myself in the cape town house of parliament, after getting rid of the premier or whoever , outside the place of coursem, and having whoever is left 'in charge' make ready for me in less than twenty four hours, or else.That will be 24 hours after the deaths of people in Khayelitsha,  as well the deaths of the us president, the uk royal family... et.c.

Then i will call these 18... impressive... women, and then i will quiz them, and  see just what it is they... saw..., because frankly I do not give much credit to their weird behaviour.

if there was anything in what they did that smacks even remotely of God, then i will kill every single one of them, but if they acted on their own volition, and they can explain why they, reasonable well-heeled women - and girl- went to such lengths to make themselves... acceptable... to me, then I will ... maybe... listen, and once satisfied, will take them in.

AND THEN I will go and kill the people in Simonstown, every one of them who either came my way or pissed me off, and leave nothing standing, not even a blade of grass, and certainly NOT anyone from their families.

I will slaughter them all, men women, kids and every living or dead thing in their possession, because I am soooo pissed off.

And then the darkness will come, and I will have whoever is left 'in charge' in USA remove the residents of alaska first, but if there is a location problem, I will always be glad to make a comparative state... vacant... (like maybe texas?) so that there will be room.See how large TX is
compared to the other states?

So, it is the one I will make vacant, if there are logistical complaints.

My dis- heartenment is not complete, though.
I left home, and would have made my blundering way to america where people are a bit more... open-minded... than here in africa, and would have settled down for a Latino chick, till I realised that I would have had to work for that chick... eh, I mean work; put effort,travel to get her, when i do not even like anyone to begin with, and anyway, it is a well know fact that  Latino chicks are passionate, and easy to get.

Then God decides, no, Latinos are no good, here take white people anyway, and it is a well known fact that black and white do not mix, they have tried it a lot of times and it never works;- look at seal and that german chick?

So, what do i have here?

I would rather have a Latino chick that i do not have to travel to get, as well as a white chick that is easy, BEFORE all the destruction, preferably both at the same time, and then, if the white chick is any good, and i do not have to strain myself, i will take them both, and even make room for the 18 others, and that will be twenty women.

yeah, right, if wishes were horses!

Time to... REND

 Yesterday was a hot day, and I spent most of it drinking water because I was... working... in the sun. later, going back to the... mountain... I was also drinking some 'drink-o-pop', and so, it was hardly surprising that, before i had gone even as far as where the construction work on the road into Kalk Bay starts, I had to take an urgent leak.
There is an alley just opposite the bible institute, where a green house faces a white one, and i went and pissed against the wall of the green house, because I was so pressed i could not evn make it as far as the railway tracks.
this old man, who heard the dogs barking at the green house, and came out from the white house and stood at the small gate -it is, that white house, number 175; I checked this morning -  and started calling me 'bastard' and all that for ... defacing... his neigbour's wall.

now, normally, I would have remained quiet, but, yesterday, and the days preceding this, well, let me say, the God of WAR has been awakened, and I rounded on him, and said 'voetsek jou naai, who the fuck are you calling a bastard?'
It is thanks to him that all restraint has finally been worn away, and I am taking over.

Now, I left home, with a grim awareness that one of two things is likely to happen, neither of which is, to me of any great concern.
I was either going to die, or I was going to become greater than anything that has ever walked the earth, and I prefered, and still do, prefer, to die.

Unfortunately, for you and for me, God had other plans, and I must HERE and NOW state, emphatically, that I am NOT on God's side, and care nothing what He or anyone else has to say.
I am NOT in this of my own volition, nor am i inclined to either respect or honour the same God, or man, or ... ANYTHING.

While i was busy focusing on... people... I ... accidentally, and unwillingly... aligned myself with God, by choosing to reject alliance with people, and thus sealing myself for ever to have the... companion... remain with me.

i have no regrets over my choice, because I would still make the same one if I had to do so again, but i want it understood, now, publicly, that, if i could have known what it means, i would rather have died than ally myself with God, because He had no respect for my right to choose, and thus I can never have any respect for Him or for what matters to Him... ever.

What happened on the 18th of April means i can NEVER have Him on my side or be on His side, and so, I am doomed to spend eternity wrestling with my desire to be free of God... but then, as I said, I do not care much either way.

I only care when the burden chaffs too much.


Like NOW

You see, i am a historian; I see things from how they started to how they are now, and I have studied how the white people came and took the land from the balck people, imposed their rule on them, and now, when they are no longer nomianlly in power, still believe themselves superior to balck people and thus call them dogs and bastards.

I have declared that no single white person in the whole of the western cape will remain alive... except those who, when i was small and of no account, honoured me.
Since that means not a single male , but only females did that, and I can count but a few, then i will allow the families of  these to leave the western cape, and go wherever, if what i... thought... I saw really was what was there and the females, such as have families here, make their ways to me, when the places of the xhosa people go up in smoke.

I have determined to completely exterminate the whole brood of them that are in my locale, and not only that, but not a single memeber of the current UK 'royal family' under whose auspices the white people came and 'conquered' my homeland, will last a single moment from the time I howl and send Khayelitsha to hell.

Every last one of them will go straight to hell, alive and kicking, and I will BEGIN to show my unlimited fury on the whole land, voicing my anger at being caught up in something I have no interest in, and showing that, not a single living person is of such moment to me that I care whether the person lives or dies, or that I am worried about what you think, you pieces of shit!

Those white people who were stupid enough to cross me, like the butt-heads, michelles and their families, I am coming to rend you piece by piece, and I will do so without any weapon, without any armour, that you will know that i never needed any excuse to keep from harming you; I was merely determined NOT to do anything that God wanted me to do, but now, I have, and you all are dead, every last one of you will perish, and I will butcher you all... personally.

You have assumed that i was going to keep on talking, right?

Well, I am not interested in talk... anymore.


I am your worst nightmare, and the worst thing you thought could happen... well, I am worse than that!

You are going to see what i have fought a losing battle to contain, and this is NOT good, because I am a law unto myself, and I see no one as that important.... YESSS!!!
I will have a ridge all round the western cape, and any who wishes to cross it without MY approval will find him or herself going straight to hell.

Please, try it as soon as i stand, and you will see.

I have, however, beef not just with the white people, but basically all those that are in the area, but i will spare ONLY the following of all that are around:-

tinashe sabona and his cousin Godknows, somewhere in gugulethu there; mrs mcready of 13 3rd crescent;- she is th lady who gives out bread to the needy;- charles, nation and their families;- compared to tinashe in S/town, they have treated me like a person, and not cut the ground under me at every corner, so these guys, who I 'work' with, will get out; and daniel 'fletcher' who is tinashe's friend, and who I stayed with in red-hill.

i would like to ... have... added that ...allison... would be part of the group that lives, but I can NOT do her a favour like that especially as, while I realise that by some... weird... twist, I actually CARE for her... while she herself does not, apparently, return the sentiment.

I will therefore ignore her, and her family, and kill the rest, and when I do leave, she will perish with the rest because all who remain will die as the whole cape melts under their feet.

As usual, time is running out, and since I will not go online using cash anymore, i will have to wait till monday to show just ... HOW... this will be, and how I will kill everyone, and therefore, let it begin.

breathe a bit, till monday, and then I will begin, to rend, and none will mend. 

Conqueror

Last week, actually eight days ago, I inadvertantly touched the wires that connected two parts that had, till then, been distinct, and fused them into one, and me and my... companion... became a single, living entity, and THAT made me into a combo of man and God, with the emphasis on the 'man' first.
Because for that to happen, I had to let go the general looking-down on myself that had led God to engineer the 'ark vision' which led to 15 women, ten to ... build ... my dominion, and five that I needed no... help... in bearing.

they are those who "did well [dwelt] in darkness" ... and did not have to be dragged anywhere for me to have ... pleasure. They showed their colours easily, and I can be confident that they will be ... mine... when I call.

It is not only the women but also the girl, the 'first' among 'seconds'. They ... helped ... me get over the thread that had been tied around me by the osc, the thread that left me feeling weak and miserable, because my mind was not made up about what to do about the women, or whether God would just stand idly by while I was left exposed by these... interfering women.
But, i will have you remember that, the first time I ever complained to God that He had given me a woman that I did not want, He sent the vision that showed just why I had picked the girl;- jealousy because of the attention she gave her son - and also He then went on to... write...

My yoke is easy, and My burden is light...
and my yoke is as academic to the fish [Isaiah 6 : 1-13]

And this text, you will remember, contains wording like
...

"Whom shall I send, who will go for Us?

And I said, "here I am, send me"
and he said, go and tell this people
'hear ye indeed but understand not
see ye indeed, but perceive not',
make the heart of this people fat, and make their ears heavy and shut their eyes, lest they hear with their ears, and see with their eyes, and turn and be healed..."

The point being that, believe it or not, the people for whom these post are intended do NOT read them, those who have read them have been unable to grasp them because their eyes are blinded by the obvious, and between me and them there is natural enmity, and they are all unacceptable to me, which is why I have steadily been working my way and rejecting these.

What i have to... say... can only be heard by people who have ears that hear. And none of the people that have read these posts qualify.

But then, there are these that do.

The fifteen, for example.And the girl.

But you will recall that yesterday i was really... upset... because I assumed that God was behind the... inclusion... of allison into my life, based mainly on that 'Walker, Texas Ranger' vision.

I was very angry about it, because i seemed to be tied up again over a woman, and my... decision to have the Cape destroyed was because I could not bear to  have... witnesses alive and in comfort who would remain after I had left who woould be able to sneer at me.

But NOW, I have no such worries, because I am comforted about that.

I was just remebering that the only episode of that series that  stuck in my mind as far as the woman is concerned is one where she told Walker, out of the blue, that he must not forget their dinner date, and he went, perplexed, to CD, his workmate, and told him that he had made no such arrangemenet with her, and he was told by the old man that if a woman says you have a date, then you have a date, and he was encouraged to buy flowers.
he walks in, and when he does, flowers in hand, the woman is standing with an FBI agent, aho could not openly meet with Walker because of security concerns.
walker then presents the flowers to the woman and says 'CD wanted you to have these'


In MY case though, God was showing me that the woman was interested in me, although she was saying smething totalyy different, like, for crying out loud! "come to... church!"

I was ready, yesterday, to drop the woman because i would NOT have a woman appeal to god over an issue with me, but when i worked out that the woman I met at F/Hoek beach was the one who wanted me to be in church so she could show her interest in me, and not because of my soul, I was relaxed.
She had driven by yesterday again from the CBD, with the little boy in the backseat, and I she decided to turn towards Pick-n-Pay parking [though she drove straight past] and not past me as I sat on the stone bench waiting for the guy, charles, to show up.

the woman gets to be number seventeen, and you will notice that she ... happened at a time when I was

 

worried about allison... and her legs.

then there is the final one

this woman is maybe working as a chef, at one of the restaurants, and she is slim, wears thick glasses, and I was not really ... watching her... as such, but observing this other be-spectacled guy ,also white, who was making moves on her. he would walk and chat her up, probably as they both went to the same workplace, and at first, she used to walk alone, beu they were walking together, silently mostly, when I would bump into them.
yesterday, I was mildly surprised to see her without her glasses, and as I passed she gave ... me!... a brief smile, and when, later in the evening, I walked past them again, she had her glasses on and she had pimples.

today she did not show up, though I kept the same time.

She looks nice.

I have run out of time. I will have to speak later of what will happen NOW

My Time Is Now...!

It may surprise people, but part of the reason why I am usually hesitant to do anything is because I have no real idea where God places His... limitations... of just what I can do, how far I can go, and what NOT to do.
Now, He told me that I could choose what kind of world I like, and for that reason I tend to decide about stuff only when I have sort of... disregarded... what i think God thinks about what should be done.

Take yesterday, for instance.

I finish at the library, go sit at the corner, across from the stall, basking in the sun, when would you believe it, this big-headed woman from S/Town drives up and parks her car in my face, gets out, and seems to be making a decision about which way to, as she stands in front of me at the traffic lights, then she crosses the main road and heads up north, as if going to that bank... whatistsname? in line with that DVD shop?...

I am of course, pissed off, but that is nothing to what came next.

Then butt-head's mom's car goes past, only it is not the manipulating woman herself in it, but some dark-skinned fellow, not Caucasian, maybe coloured or these latino types, and he turns as if coming from Pick-n-Pay and heads, presumably, for S/Town,  followed closely by chunky Boy, in a white Golf.

then the woman who has been dogging my steps every time I came in to the S/Town library comes back and she gets into her car, but this time I fix a very unfriendly eye on her and she drives off.

later on, I get the distinct dis-pleasure of seeing the... on-and-off bravery... of faggot-face  displayed, as he, just a little before five, drives past. I would have thought he was coming from work, but the timing is rather off, and anyway, the asshole first did this quick-peek out the side of his eye before deciding to pretend as if he was nonchalantly driving past.

 Now, that made me think;- IF I could hve everything the way I wanted it, how would I have it stand?

Ok, let me put my ambiguity about allison aside, and focus on the rest of them, and THIS is how i would have things.

fuck hell and all that; I can not be THERE to cause them suffering, so i want to DO something to them, here, and make MYSELF the CAUSE of their pain.

I will cut off faggot-face's dick and stuff it into his mouth, then, because they all seem to want to drive by and move on their asses, I will cut off their toes, and their fingers, and leave them to bleed slowly to death, without anyone to dress their wounds.

but FIRST, I will take on all the grown males, and beat them all up, taken them all on as a group, and the only thing I have to watch out for is that I do not accidentally kill anyone;- I want to show them that they are as nothing to me, and i can take them all on in my sleep even.

After i have beaten them all up, then I will cut them up, and leave them crawling.

As for michelle, i will crucify her, as her christ was crucified, and I will do the same to butt-head. I wanted to cut off his head and stuff it into his ass, but, as I said, i want themto have pain BEFORE they die.

i will take butt-head's mom's car, position her against a wall, and ram it into her, so that I break her knees or hips, whatever, and leave her to bleed internally... to death.
And have her watch as i slaughter all her... dependants.And relations.Those i have no particular beef with i will just kill, but the rest, I will... incapacitate, because my AIM is to make the statement that these people have pissed me off, and there is absolutely NO ONE that can or will rescue them. I want them to fill just how totally they are in my power, and how I will case them the greatest kind of pain I can think of, not just physical, but mental... all the anguish of seeing their every cherished thing  destroyed... because they piss me off.
Root => Trunk => Branch => Twig => Leaf

till there is no remnant left, no relation who walks this earth who will say anything, or think to interfere. No Friend even.

Now, where God can... help... is to make sure that there is no escapee, and that afterwards, there is no burial mound, or memory, or recallection of these people, because everyone willhave their own worries to contend with by then.

because i have firmly decided that the Cape Peninsula, at LEAST, will be no more, and will not c=survive a single day after my departure, since i can not stand to have the rocks and sand remain as testimony to my anger, humiliation and all that I have had to put up with while I have been here.

i want the whole place razed, melted, so that no single landmark remains the same, and nothing can ever grow here again.

NOTHING.
Now, That is how I would have things with regard to the osc, if I had my own way.

However  since I am being... honest, I have to also think of allison.
just this morning, I was complaining to God that it appears that He is putting everything on hold because of her, that He has placed me in a corner, and is not letting me move till I have done something about this silly woman, but I guess, like all my accusations; if I stop to think about it, it is not God Who is being reluctant here, but me.

I suppose that what I said before, about waiting for someone to make up her mind or whatever, is just total BS.

I made up my mind about her a long time ago, and what it is is I refuse to SHOW any... power or might... till I have those that I have claimed for myself totally in my grasp, because I am NOT a showman, I am NOT interested in letting someone first of all see what I can do, impress the person, and then have the person decide to join.

Guess if I did so i would be like the shoppers at Pick-n-Pay, right? something is only yours WHEN you have paid for it, not before.

Well, for me, something is mine first, without any payment, and only AFTER do others start to pay.

I do not WORK for anything. Everything comes freely or I reject it.

Now, what I ask of God, in public, is that there be... closure... in the matter of allison [and I hope for her sake that she decides to stay away as of this moment, because to even REFER a matter to God that should be between people is for me the same as washing my hands of the person, and all that remains nis what kind of... punishment... I will mete out when things are ...clear] and that speedily, because until I get ...over... her I am unable to DO anything.

I want this issue sorted quickly, so that my hands are no longer tied. The rest can die, I do not care, I will lose no sleep over it, because i have read your thoughts, assholes!

And I am NOT impressed.

*****

... thats the beat where they send me from Paris
real top gallis with them girl me nuh go malice.

I Have to say that, as far as women are concerned, I have decided to stay with the 15 grown ups, and the one girl, and also the 'come-to-St.Peters- woman. The last because she was so... diffident. I spoke of how she would not greet me because I was not looking at her, but only when she was certain I had noticed her did she bother to bother me.

Well, this monday, after I wrote about her, know what happened? I went to sit at a bench diagonally across from the 'Clicks-opening-soon' shop, and she drove up, coming from the city centre, down the main road. her body language read extreme tension as she stopped at the traffic lights and looked to her right to see if there was anyone at the 'stall'. When she saw no one, she sort of slumped back, and then her eye picked me up as i sat a bit forward and to her left, and then hse straightened up, and drove past. Her car was full of some old people, ladies, and of course, the blond boy.So there ARE people to leave the kid with.

maybe she did go to church Sunday, and I was not there. Whatever, I liked being... missed.

especially by such a hot chick. Those legs!!! That size!!!

Root => Trunk => Branch => Twig => Leaf

So, call me bloody-minded. My rage is growing with each day, so that i have decided, and it is getting into a firmer decision with each passing moment, that, WHEN I do move, I will being by taking apart those pitiful people at the OSC who have irritated me, and not just rest there, but deal with the individuals first, then their nearest of kin, then the whole family tree, root, trunk, branch, twig and leaf, and if the trunk supports other branches, then these all get the same treatment, be they as far away as Finland or wherever.
I will have them brought to me.
How?
think I am joking when I say I am taking over the WORLD?
When I move against these people, all I need is to have just one of them in my grasp, and he/she will tell me the others, and I will weed them out.
for example, there is michelle, who I hate a great deal. She is divorced, and let us assume the ex-husband is in the UK.I get my hands on her, and then her daughter, and, because it is around that time that obama is dying and the world waking up to the fact that One who has no love for people is cleaning up house, with the weather changing at his whim, and the sun not shining simple because he says so, all I ned to do is fix my gaze on the government of the UK, and they will deliver the asshole, complete with family and all cousins, aunts and so forth... right to S/Town, and I will... slaughter them.

ALL

Simply because one silly bitch upset me.

the same goes for butt-head, and all his ilk.
Root-Trunk-Branch-Twig-Leaf.


they say that it is ... impossible, but then, read my profile:-

the difficult and incredible I do immediately,
the impossible, a day later

the impossible I do a day later, and if it is imposible to weed out a whole family tree, then that is right up my alley. I will do it, just you wait and see.

now, as for the other people at the osc, i am ... unclear... actually, about two people, because while I am dead certain about one being  a part of it, I am not so sure about the other one, but, as i pointed out before,I am not in the habit of leaving things to chance.

the one is, of course, allison, and I mentioned that I was looking for an excuse to kill her. I actually NEED a reason to do so, and i have none worth justifying doing so at the moment. But i will find one, never worry, I am good at this. The best at ferreting things out, actually.

the other one is this other chick who has this small size, better shape than michelle, and who once, to my consternation, almost walked into my elbow, because she came down those steps to 'you are here', and decided to turn right beneath my shoulders, and had i moved just a bit backward, I would have given her a bloody nose. What was THAT all about? Later, when I was coming down that walkway above the alley, and I was just singing  that song by damian marley 'road to zion' as i thought of butt-head and his police experience, she and I met at the steps, and I merely looked at her, waiting for her to go on up so I could come down, and she gave what I thought was an amused laugh, at the time, but then, hey, this is me;- i look a person in the face, unlike others, and whatever one thought to do seems to... dry up. She probably was going to say something witty, and it did not come out that way.
Then she disappeared.
And all I saw at one time was a guy who has some of her facial features, and I took it that the guy was her brother, and he came down speaking on the phone.
then I left the alley, acme there one day again, and bumped into her near this little cul-de-sac where she ... works?

And what had grabbed my attention was her walking and dropping DVDs the other time when I came and waited for the S/Town internet cafe to open.

Like michelle, she can not keep her mouth closed, she has this prominet teeth, heck, one would say she had a temper thing, although I am not sure whether it is because of her appearance or because of NOTICE of her appearance, but she passed by first time on the road side, then came straight by me as she walked back. It was a weekend, and she had driven a black Toyota Yaris to work, then walked on the DVD matter.
She had her her pushed back, and one of these... thingies which clip the hair to keep it pushed back, and she wore this grey outfit, a waist belt, and grey stocking-thingies that did not reach her calves.
What I noticed were her breasts, which were shaped smoothly under the jersey she wore front-open ,to ward off the morning chill? the grey top, held close to her body by her belt, at least covered her... front end, and when she walked past, and did not even look my way, i noticed the... unnaturalness of it.
Ok, so i was sitting on top of the red telephone box just outside the cafe', but hey, the least she could do was at least touch her hair or draw back her jersey or some such thing just to show that she was getting unnatural attention and did not ... want it.
No, even as she passed me by and I smelt the perfume, I figured out I was MEANT to see that, and maybe start drooling or something like that.
dont know, but hey, I hate unanswered questions, so I will have to ask, see?
because if she disappeared, then either she read my posts, or someone got to her, either way, I am... pissed off, see?

And I LIKE conclusions to be of the QED variety;- 'proved by conclusive deeds', just so that I know exactly where I stand.

YESSS!Now, in case you are wondering, there will be no more women after I leave. heck, women are just one part of my... unhappiness... although they are a major part, I admit. But just as one gets born once, and then has to grow up, so it is with me.No woman after April 18 that i did not have my eye on before, and hence did not select, is welcome anywhere near me.

And yes, someone may say, I am that beastly that I want to infect people and cause them misery, but fuck, in case you have not noticed,

This is NOT about anyone else
but ME.
if at the end of the remaining eight years,
i am convinced that the women
have conclusively made up
their own minds
they want to be with me, then
i will have them live with me.
if not, I will get rid of them.

Hey, I can not die

God would hardly waste His time and then let me die, would He? No, this is about me making my own choice. I am skeptical of women, very... wary... when it comes to them, and I know that they may pretend for a while, and then later they will get used to the situation and start showing their true colours, so i intend to be there, watching, probing, since I do not believe anything anyone says, but look out for their actions, to see just what they really think. AFTER all is said and done, then I will decide whether they are worth bothering with afterwards,because by then, I will have known exactly what goes on in their minds, and will either chuck them away, or keep them.

Since they have to die of ... something, then they will have the disease to thank, since i will be ... unable... to deal tham to death myself. IF they have failed, that is.

so, call that my... insurance.

I do not think ANYONE is going to believe/accept this

he who dwells in the secret place

Well, before I let the bag out of the cat, or vice versa, I just found out that, since I have not, unlike with Counting Numbers, deleted any posts on Destiny, this is straight up, my 91st post, and of course, that brings out the obvious allusion to Psalm 91, which begins, "He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High God shall abide under the shadow of The Almighty...", and then ends with God Himself saying,

"Because he has set his love up on Me, I  will deliver him
I will set him on high,because He has known My name
He shall call up on me, and I will answer him
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him, and honour him
With long life I will satisfy him, and show him My salvation"

Now, of course, I do not agree with the angel thing and the rest of it, but when one speaks purely of God, and also, God Himself speaks about His own actions, i ... listen.

Which is why I have been a bit... troubled by something God said about something else when I was thinking of [what else? ] women, and He showed me in a vision the fact that if I had taken a certain girl,I would have had to 'bear' her for ten years.

now, that was two years ago, before I even began to decipher the "73" vision, and I have constantly wondered why i would have 'ten years' to get to a... conclusion.

I mean, of course I had 15 years of... my... life added on, and God never asked me whether i wanted it or not, so the assumption is that at the end of that period, I will have learned to... appreciate... life. That is a relief , of course, because even now, to SAY that I am ready and appreciative of life is a gross misrepresentation. I am not even, technically, on God's side, because i am looking to Him also to see the quality of life that He has to offer, and then decide whether i really want it.

yes, something happened last week to me, and i can say that I have finally let go, totally of the women who irritated me who I wanted to retain and punish continuously for a loong time, but now, all i willm do is just kill them because there are fiteen women who have made no secret of how they feel about me and my attentions, and so I do not have to mix anger and... lust, see?

but i will be damned if I can say I want to be healed. Really. I did this death-seeking  deliberatleyk, and i never went to God to say, "Father, give me life and a new start", but then again, He never mentioned it also, so I think we are even. Now, if i was to be 'healed', it would, to me, no matter how one looks at it, be like God was saying I was on a crooked path before,  but now, I have to straighten up,and get clean, and then be made acceptable to some... females... who to me just get on the wagon simply because I have a permanent eraction and I would wear one out if i only had one, and so, for their sake I must be ... hale?

fuck that!

if these females come, they do so knowing that whatever happens, they are in as much a state of limbo as i would be, till the end of the days, because once the time comes to an end, and i am not satisfied, i will just die, but if life is worth living, then I will live, and they, if they have proved that it is ME, MYSELF and I ... alone... that they want, will get to live also. I think i can bear THAT, yesss!

If THEY can bear being in a state of... undecided health though, is something I am not so sure they would accept. Or take. even if by the time they read this, and are aware of it, the people would have started dying, and my... status... as above everything that walks this planet would have been established. and they would have begun to look at me as more than just an angry man who does not tolerate the womanly... nonsense... that most females resort to.


Anyway,speaking of lust and women, i was... surprised the past two weeks or so since i turned my back on S/Town and the people I ... worked with [and wanted to kill] ...there and ended up limiting my forages from the mountain to Fish hoek only.

the one day, a day after I decided not to go back to S/Town, i was seated at the beach, bare-chested [well that does not mean much now because i have no spare meat AT ALL on me, not even a chest of any note!]and with hunger staring me in the face, decided to make some wire-and-bead animals and show to this guy who has a stall at the 'Clicks-coming-soon' corner, and as i wondered what it would be, this woman passed by, saw me making a wire 'tiger' [only it had a psychedelic cast to it,it had all the colours of the rainbow] and she commenetd on how I had talent.

then, apropos of nothing, she said i should come to St. Peters church, and this non-sequitur put me in mind of michelle, although the woman herself was large, more shapely and indeed quite good looking, and her voice did not have the irritating edge that michelle's had. I was also a bit thrown because the woman had a boy with her, no ring, and yeah, like michelle she had this hair on her upper lip, but wore no make-up and definitely seemed more... natural than that bitch.So, it could not have been about seeing her child, could it?

I asked myself whether I had a sign that went "Help, Jesus needed" somewhere near me, and I just brushed her off, and carried on with my ... work... saying that I had no intention of mingling with people more than I had to.

then a day or two later, she showed up again as i was at the same spot at the beach, only this time i was waiting for the stall-guy to come 'open' his 'store' and I was chilling, busy making something else, when i looked up, saw two women, and while my eyes took in the face of the one who was fat, less dressed and walking nearer the sea on Jager's walk, I never looked the other one inthe face, because my eyes went staright to the shapely legs.

She had on a black and grey sweater, and black jeans that were rolled up to the knees, and the legs underneath were the type that made me go... gaga.

The women passed me by, with me looking at the ugly one's face, because she WAS staring at me funny.

It was only when they were coming back from Sunny Cove side that I looked at the other one and recognised the woman who had invited me to church, and she saw me looking at her and she greeted me, and I returned the greeting. then a little later, while she [ yeah, and the boy] and the fat girl were still at the beach, I went to the ... stall, and sat there, with the guys, and as we made some stuff, she and the two with her came by, looked at the things we made, and then, without a word to me, passed by.

then, on one of the two days it rained, and I was drenched going to the library, I was seated, as now, at Station 6, and the fat girl, who,because of the different settings, I had trouble placing, came, checked to see if Station 8 was working, then, after I had stopped doing what I was doing and just stred at her, went 'hi', and then sat at Station 10, with the boy.

A little while later the woman herself came and sat beside me at Station 8, and said no word, and then, I, thinking I had not been seen, greeted her, and she turned and greeted me in turn, and asked if I was not cold,because I had putmy coat on the floor [it WAS soaked], and when i explained why I had it off, she turned back to her computer.

Then, after a while, seemingly after a struggle, she truned back to me, and staring me full in the face, asked whether I had gone that Sunday to St. Peters, and I said no, and then she said she would have gone herself but 'our car ran out of fuel'. I had nothing to say to that, but even me, slow as I was,began to see that there was more to this than met the eye.

the woman was intent on getting me in HER comfort zone, where she would have the home advantage, but I was not interested in THAT. In was not interested in her socially, but simply physically. And i think that was reciprocated to a large degree, but she was going about it her way.

I found myself, before I saw her the last time driving by in one of those blue citi-golfs, and hooting then waving at me as she waited at the traffic lights, thinking that what I want right NOW would be some S-E-X, with her, only all this ... explanation... would be in the way. I would have to ... tell... her a lot, and i make no great speeches.

but i liked her, and yet would have nothing to do with anyone of her.. friends, or family.

fact is, I have never much wanted to have anything to do with a woman and her... associates. To me, if i have gotten the ONE, then no matter who else comes along, if the one is accessible, the others do not matter. If they are with her, or known to her.

My policy is lightning does not strike the same place twice, so I will not have anything to do with a woman and her friends, sisters or relatives. just one woman from a certain party.

but, really, what i want now is sex. Then i can see my way to ending all this long wait.

REALLY.

Everything esle is secondary.

Seeing as is...

When God... showed Himself... to me, I had no illusions about just Who I was encountering, when the incident was happening. Later, I tried to rubbish it all, and would have been comfortable with it being a delusion of mine, but no mater from which angle I approached it, whether I looked at the... ambience... of the encounter [to decipher the REAL nature of the Being;- when anyone is pretending to be what he is not, he may focus so exclusive on the presentation, numb some senses or such, but, as the encounter finishes, the... come down... as the being leaves, will reveal the true nature of the being, and how much of an imposter that one is - take for example the fact that when people go to a 'spiritual revival', they may be ecstatic at the moment, but as soon as the 'holy ghost' departs, extrme depression enters, because the mind is adjusting to the fact that THIS, which just ended, was an impractical state and a ruse] or the content itself, I could detect no lie, which really upset me, because I could only conclude that God Himself had entered the fray.
But now, when I turn the issues around in my head, trying to find out just what was so... worth it... about the ten women, and try to see if they 'saw' me as the lord of the earth, I find myself coming to the obvious conclusion that what they 'saw' had nothing to do with anything so... surreal.
Because there is nothing in any person's makeup, nor in the social structure, that would make ANYONE leap to such an.. unusual conclusion as that what they see before them, in a world where christ is 'lord and saviour'; could actually be THE promised one.

Fuck, I am living the life, and I can barely take it in. If it had not been that God had been so ... meticulously ... guiding me to the obvious conclusions, I would right now be knocking at a shrink's door, asking to have either my head examined or a new head.
So, it has to be that what these women saw was something they could recognise, something... mundane.
yet frightening and desirable at the same time.

I was wondering what that was, really, till I looked at myself and my behaviour and I ... got it.

But before I even get there, I want to point out that, aside from the girl I called, the two women on 25th may, the other one  a day later, the 'shopaholic girl' , the diving lady,  and the polite girl at the library who all exhibited some extraordinary... fear to sort of... confuse things a bit for me... all the women were... uncertain, and their actions were showing that they were not sure they were up to scratch as far as my... approval... was concerned.

the remaining three; the girl on the train ( who stays in Simonstown), the blue eyed lady, the girl with the straight black hair on the beach in S/Town... all favourably, contrasted with the other women who happened to be under my... spotlight.


Anyway, so, what is it that it is that made these women so... tense and yet so... eager?

Well, let me put it this way;- God certainly came at a very.. appropriate time. Now, I remember, during one of the frequent arguments that happened between my mother and father, being totally floored when she said that [knowing I could and would be listening] I was of an age to get a girl, or chat one up.
My disbelief, even at that time, was so... marked ... that even now I wonder how SHE, after all she did to me, could even imagine that I would look at ANY woman and not be full of rage.

Frankly... I hate women. I look at any woman and I feel my gorge rise. I have never had a girl-'friend'. I have only had sex in the interests of self-destruction, and never once have I ever .. longed for... a woman companion, someone to talk to, aor chill with, or even have a... future... with, simply because I can not imagine what... use... any woman could be in a life where I have a future.
I have compared women with women, and I have seen some that either dress better, either do not assume so readily that I am like everyone else and so want to have a woman who will massage my ego, or the women do not go around looking for someone to carry their burdens for them.

It is only, I stress, by.. contrast... that i found some women, acceptable more than others.

Not that any of them would ever, by herself, be someone i would say, "I love you", or "I find you desirable", or 'you are it'.

I guess where me and God see eye to eye is that women are a mistake, they should never have been there to begin with, but they are, and what is done can not be undone, so one has to live with that.

now, if I wanted kids, if I wanted to be settled down like evryone else, I would have had myself an ugly woman that I loathed... like michelle, and I would have used that hate to have a kid, but that, that I could so obviously forget reality and the-here-and-now and suddenly look to a future that I would say is... respectable... is something that I never had in me.

I never wanted kids because i never wanted to have anyting to do with the women themselves, but the funny thing is, as a kid, my parents had to go away at one time, I think to attend my grandmother's funeral [paternal] and we were left with some friends of theirs at the Cranborne barracks. They, the coulle, both worked, and so they had a ... girl.. youngish... who came and looked after their young toddler.

This girl, well, she, to cut a long story short, made certain advances to me, and I, with my lack of anything remotely resembling awareness, ended up underneath her, on a bed, thinking that 'love' which was what I saw on TV, meant kissing a person, so I was kissing her while she undid my trousers. I was probably only six.
And someone walked in on us.

Which, for some reason, earned me a canning, and her as well, and spread the rumour among family and friends that I was so into women I was not to be trusted.

Which left me with an insane... interest... in this whole subject, which I can not sweep under the rug.. hence the concession that at least some women would be acceptable.

Which is, I stress, a concession.

because frankly, when it comes down to it all, there is no one I would think fit to share my life with.

And now, your problem, people, is that

IT IS MY LIFE that counts most
And all yours are...
worthless.

Earth are run red!

Vive La Revolucion' !!!

So, Ok, I got the math wrong, and it was not eighteen but nineteen months, right, but STILL, it means I am even more ... reluctant... than an elephant is, to get born, which happened anyway, yesterday... .
Now, I would wish to say that  my mind is so made up that I am as ready to roll today as anything, but the truth is that I am... NOT so... sure.
For one thing, the... woman... in that Walker, Texas Ranger vision was exactly THAT;- a woman.
And I would have brushed it all aside and said, well, she was a public personality, so of course the POINT God meant to make was that this was a woman who was seen to ... like me... publicly, like that girl did, leading to butt-head's mom's furiously contemplating me as I took no notice of HER granddaughters?
But then, the woman was someone to whom, in the series, the character played by Chuck Norris was ... obviously... but silently attracted to, and so, I could say that that points to a certain... someone... in the vicinity of the osc, which would be a moot point anyway since she publicly stiffed me not so long ago, see; and I would also counter THAT  am interested in the woman by saying that, although I find the woman, allison, very attrcative, and I am interested, yes, what really is on top of my agenda at the moment is that I have no REAL motive to kill her, and I definitely can NOT just leave her, since I am not in the walking-away-and-backing-off business. I need closure, and so, I am looking for a reason why I should take her life, actually.
being rejected is not good enough. I mean, I have been told off so many times by so many women it is not anything new, and I have never bothered being affected by it. No, wht makes THIS woman so... interesting... is that she has to have a reason why, even on the day that I met the German chick and she showed me her interest [eh, that would be the second visit, that it sank in], she later, as i walked away from tinashe's shop, she drove slowly past a little ahead of me, as she had done earlier, only this time alone, and not with that guy she had been with on so many occasions as she ... tailed me.
I would wish that the guy was her husband, and so I could nail her there, and say, aha, so you DID wilfully insult me, and kill her.
but I seem to remember the other day, earlier this year, when me and tinashe and the other guys were staying in Claremont, and I had no inkling that she was not a... tourist... and we were in Pick 'n' Pay, getting meat for the evening meal, and she showed up, and walked down past the vegies, went deeper into the shop, and then she emerged a while later in the aisle just where the two tills on either side of the entrance are, and left.

And all i could see were the legs, and the walk, and the sex-appeal of the woman.
Fuck, I remember all these things, and this gives me no... joy.
because the other time she showed up and walked into this cna shop on the main road in Fish Hoek, her legs were NOT in stockings, and they were even lovelier to look at, and I kid you not, THAT was the first time I actually felt, in my whole life, that I REALLY wanted something, and I was looking at her. There was a stab of... appreciation... within me as my mind raced to the obvious conclusion; this woman is here because of me, and I was plunged even deeper into gloom by realising that she probably was only there because she was afraid that I would kill her.

I have looked at this from all angles, and when my own sight has failed, I have fallen back on the primary sight, God's view point, and argued with myself that it can not be that she and I have anything because God said 'I will have steadfast love [mercy] and not sacrifice' and so, whatever she may have for me would not really be love but something that she feels she has to give to spare her own life, and i would derive no joy from it, but THEN, let us face facts;- while I may have been raving about killing people and all that, it was by no means certain that i would do so, and when she showed up anyway, I mean the very first day i laid eyes on her, and she bought a key-ring in the shape of the first letter of her name, and refused to buy others for the other two who each had a name beginning with 'A', and i was behind her, watching her ass and her legs and willing hwer to turn so I could look at her face, and she finally did so and i liked the nose, and she seemed so... uncertain... when she looked at me, as one would if one had looked up and seen someone frowning at one's face, and I took in the front as well, and I was trying to hide my smile and be stern... fuck, - I was sure I was OBVIOUS about how I was... affected.

so, I guess I AM ... interested..., and the difference between her and these other women is not that she is, in a place that I know, but rather that I am not someone she may have any... illusions about.
Everything that is relevant to me, my past, my current status, and all the murky paths I have waded through, is something that is open to her, and while I am not joking about what I am likely to do; all that killing and stuff, I can not have someone take the... positive... and reject the negative as well.

I am the world's worst nightmare, no joking there, and like it or not, I am the

Judge, Jury, Executioner

and while that is the major... function... that I will be performing in theimmediate future, what mainly motivates me is an... interest... in my own, welfare.
I am not just the dread person you will see, nor am I so selfish that i would want to compel people to be with me who have no interest in being with me, because frankly I do not care so much for anyone that I can dispense with my own... stand-offishness... to let someone near me whose heart is clearly not in it, so, what I am saying is, at the end of the day, it is what the woman thinks herself that matters, and I will just -impartialy- put the full-stop.

As things stand, though, I am more inclined towards killing her, although I am not going to do so till I KNOW for sure that she was just jerking me around.

so, the revolution will be televised.

As I said before, I am NOT going to just let her go. Whatever happens, I am the one who is going to end it, because I got hooked up in it. If she wanted a closet lover, then she should have just masturbated or something, and not walked around near me. She did, and so I am taking over, and I am running things, and will put MY conclusion on it all.


YESSS!

I will never let you go!