A... Rumble... of Other Solutions?

There is this thing about a guy, coming home, dinner is already served and his very loaded plate left for him. Looking at it he asks, if this is what you served for me, how much did you give yourselves?

Things have been rather... good... of late. I am suspicious by nature, and I was asking God, 'why are You being so nice to me?', because I know that it does not happen that He just lets me have full meals, daily showers and no hussle unless there is something He is softening me up for. Something I may not really want to accept unless I was in a good mood. When I listened just now, while sporadically searching for a truck, to some roots reggae, I thought, enough. Not even my anger could be sustained. It is now hot like you would not believe. 
I know that this sounds weird, but I am a guy who has a 'minder', and I know when God is secretly disagreeing with a course of action of mine, and suggesting alternatives, and this is one of those times. I will adopt a wait-and-see attitude, not only because I know that I am not going home, because before this morning, while i was gorging myself on food, He whispered, "this time next week", and I was like, OK, so there is something happening, here, right?

I am not going to try too hard to come to cape town, not only because the people there actually disgust me, but also because, I mean, all I want, or rather realistically expect, would be to just confirm what I suspected. And then start on my journey, anyway. I mean, it would have been nice to say, there was someone for me that I could sing of like this:-

                                           several morning she shampoo my locks

always have my back she stand true to that

real type of love thank you for that

no run barefoot without no shoes and socks

cause she keep myself clean 

me nuh go catch no rash
coz she love me for real and not fir have no cash

But, what are the odds? besides, I am curious about the bus tomorrow. No way I am getting on it, even if it comes, but at the same time, if it does not come, I am making my way to cape town... .
I am very, very suspicious, here.

Gumboy

A funny thing I discovered was the meaning of the leader of the myrmidons' name, what "achilles" meant. The lipless one, because he was supposed to never have sucked on his mother's breasts. Now, since there are very rarely any coincidences in my life, when I was 'designated' Gumboy, the boy who shows his gums,i.e., has lips pulled back or has no lips, I ran it through the only relevant thing I could think of, which was, of course, TROY
And the fact that the lipless one was being tormented by the captured girl to stop being so bloody minded, and had almost succumbed when his cousin was killed, and then he turned and became a very hostile person, challenging hector to a fight from which he promised "there are no pacts between lions and men, and wolves and sheep have no concord. You will not have a tongue tonight, nor ears, nor a nose. You will wonder the underworld blind, deaf and dumb, and everyone will know that you are hector, the fool who thought he had killed achilles"

So, there was, to get back to my ... life, a buildup that has led to me deciding firmly and irrevocably that I am out to KILL them fools, and spare none, and send them to hell.
I remember the other day when I was grossly ebullient, before they decided to send me to prison, then idiots, when I first actually LINKED the gallery woman with the girl and the pretender. First, she drove past in that slk of hers, with the pretender in the passenger seat. I was at vinnie's stall, and I watched as they just drove past, and then, a while later, the gallery woman was at her window, upstairs, and she was looking towards the outspan parking, and then, a while later, there they were, she parked her car where tony parks his, and I did not see that happen, but the pretender walked right past me, on his way to the bottle store, and I could not help laughing. This was way beyond bizzare. Then he came out, and guess what, after she had initially pulled up her windows when I started laughing, and my voice, as has been happening in the past whenever I got upset, went hoarse, she pulled it down again and the two exchanged a kiss and he got in. Jolly good show!

LESSON 1:_ no one challenges me and just walks away. I mean, what do you take me for? A guy that actually gives a shit who the asshole is? Hell, no, you make an enemy of me, yank whatever chain you think you have tied to me, and expect me to capitulate? You must be kidding me. Really, them fools must have me confused for some other guy.
Now, I am not being spiteful, but I actually never liked mercs. They have no..., the logo, well, it is bland, the cars have no sparkle, to them, and well, having grown up with these things being sort of a daily occurrence for a while, they were something I have rather disliked, on sight, reminding me of many things. Like my dad. They just love these cars, in zimbabwe,, and I suppose it would be no surprise for anyone to know that the first S500 that came to the southern hemisphere was delivered to a zimbabwean?
Anyway, my vindictive memory goes back to the first... kiss. And this old merc she was driving, wearing those silly shorts and I was wondering what the fuck God was shackling me for when He actually interposed Himself and asked me to think before I act when I went up and down wanting to kill people, and He led me to that john something verse about a woman who was told that this is not your husband. I was still not mollified. Because they are playacting, do I let it go? hell, NO! I am NOT like that. Well, I get to decide, and I have decided already. There will be no mercy. Now, the protective little hussy an just get as aggressive as she wants, I will still do away with them fools of hers. No one mocks me.
Then there is that mike asshole of hers. When He was showing me that I would come out of prison- of course, HIDING the fact that I was going away at the same time- wearing baggy jeans and shoes without laces, He also did something else. I must have fallen asleep a bit, because I was in a sort of dream, where i was looking at mike and laughing mirthlessly, and going, 'mr mike townsend' and he answered, "no, you got that wrong, it is NOT-send", and it was if he was saying, well, all along you thought that I was supporting this thing between you and the girl? Wrong, you just found out the hard way. Well, I waited to see just how far the idiots would go against the lord of the earth, and they were very... rabid, yes? And then, the judge was even talking of mediation. With me locked up, and a restriction order, and the 'court' would mediate to sort out this problem. Hell, no, there will be NO such thing. You made the worst mistake of your lives to try to... tamper... with me. Now, expect full retribution. There will be NO mercy. NONE. and forget substitute mothers. I have no time for them, God is enough of a ... PARENT. Everyone goes down. Feel my wrath, yeah-sss!

Who Dares... Wins

Sometimes, because a person may view himself as one thing, while in reality he is another, there tends to be a character distortion, and well, that is what I was labouring under, until last night, I thought things through, and told God the only option I was left with, and asked Him if it was stupid, crazy or if there was another way. And well, His usual roundabout answer gave me pause, and made me realise a few things in the process, and well, the thing is, lets face it, I ran away from kalk bay because I was feeling humiliated, when in actual effect, I am not the type of person that can actually be said to be, or to court, respectability, to begin with, and this going home thing, well, lets also say that there are two things:-

1) The MAJOR factor:-

GOD:- He has never DONE anything for me. He has done something TO me, made it impossible for me to die, but from the beginning, when He started to talk, or when He introduced Himself to me, He would speak, and then He would let me work out things by myself. Or grant me my 'requests', sometimes before I even asked them of Him, like the very obvious disturbance over the weather that is at present taking place because I am finally taking off the veil and letting myself be me. In short, if someone were to say that, for example, God came into my life to show me love because i was unloved and then later get down to business, the WAY God behaves with people would give the lie to that. I am not talking angels and His spirit or jesus, who come in one guise and then go, like gabriel with zechariah, john the baptist's subsequent father, "what, do you not know just how important I am? I see the face of God daily, you SOB?". NO, God knows Who He is and does not need to sound a trumpet for that. if He was after something, He would have got down to business from the word go, and that is how He has behaved with everyone, from the get go. So, He has behaved different with me in that how He began, by just showing up and in effect putting His feet up, was exactly how He intended to continue, and I have had to work this out slowly, till finally, I am where I am. Take even when i was labouring with the Goldbach Conjecture. He did not give me a break, but instead, when I was at the point of asking myself just what the fuck I was doing, He showed His support and yet also His stance where I am concerned, that I could handle whatever came my way by telling me to 'try the falco effect', and I did, and thought it useless anyway, but well, it has sort of led from COUNTING NUMBERS to ... this, and I am sure i am about to use what I discovered about numbers in my subsequent... research.
I am NOT JUST a person. I have been gradually infused with power by God, and I have at my disposal ALL I need to be what I need to be, and the ONLY reason why I am at present NOT being that happens to be a lady, and well, I have hit upon an audacious, crazy, cruel and utterly reckless way of resolving this issue.
Now, I am what I am, and that is, a jealous, unreasonable person, and from where I stand, I NEED to get this woman, who is the only person that operates in that grey area of my life, to well, frankly, hate me enough to shift over totally to one side. The thing is, she has shown me what she prefers, and that is unacceptable to me. So, I must make sure that I drive her into a corner, and she has this thing about her mike and that... 'brother' of hers and all those people of hers and she wants them to live, and I must somehow make it happen, if I want her in my life. That actually says nothing about whether she wants ME in her life, and so, I am going to assume that she is only interested in them. So, I am going to do a daring thing. I have no pride to lose, and all I need is to confirm the vision that had me seeing her in wedding rings (and all that other bullshit, like she was instructing ME about what I should look out for, silly fool) from the beginning, the first part of which has this coloured chick, nicky, who was staying with her malawian boyfriend at her mother's place, heavily pregnant, going, "so what am I, a recess project?"

Funny, thing that, because it was only at ventersburg, here, where I got off for a recess that has extended into a now almost three week stay, that I figured out what He had really meant, and learned that with God, things will be fulfilled in their own time. Good news for me is that no one believes me, and so, all I need is to show up in kalk bay, and all I need to do is see her still working for mike, and or still anywhere near those males, and I can write them all off. I mean, this will never change, those fools, she pissed me off with, they are dead, no two ways about it, but she is the one person that is keeping me still on tenterhooks. And I hate being derailed by anyone. So, tomorrow, since there is nothing doing, I am getting on a truck, and coming over. Its a twelve hour trip. And all I need is just that, a simple thing. Then I am gone. Because I can not abide sharing something, or even grey areas.So, who dares, wins, and I dare, and well, I am going to be disagreeable, but what the hell, I never wanted fans. I have still, up to now, NO idea just how she got past my defenses. And it irritates me to know that I care so much about someone that is probably all delilah to my samson.

Fuck it, I want an end to this.
So, I have been wandering about, time not wasted, because i have had time to lick my wounds, almost in private, and now, I just want this all to be over with so I can move on. Like the lord of the earth that I am.

2) Home (THROUGH THORNS TO THE TOP)

I was laughing at myself when I finally realised that no ONE actually forced me to go home, I was sort of thinking God had to DO something so that He could live up to His word, not realising that I was letting my self-destruct tendencies blind me to the radical shift that has been occuring throughout the years since I first decided to mis-behave, and ostracised myself from my family;- I am quite simply NOT  the kind of person that is answerable to anyone, and I do not have to

be in any way conventional or to please anyone but myself. the laws and rules that you people follow have absolutely NO bearing on me, and I can do as I please just because I have left home, for ever, and I do not have a thing to prove, nor do I have to answer to, my parents. I guess that is what rumble is for, for steerage, even through thorns, just so that I become the person God 'saw' from the beginning, YEAH-SSS!

Two Different Worlds

It is kind of hard to be unaffected by the effect I have on people, and now, well, things are getting a bit... tight, for me.
Just now, in the ventersburg library, I was accosted by cops, who wanted to know my ups and downs, and well, I lied, and they ended up with me having to call, on the cell of one of the cops, chihwa tours, and now, as I sit here, I am going to have to think seriously about GOING home.
Before that, a guy from zim sent an email to my dad, telling him what an asshole he is for allowing me to be reduced to 'streetkid' level. I could not lie about the email address, because even these smartphones will tell you the address does not exist, and he was curious as to why a person like me was looking like a ... burghie.

It sort of deflates one to be so caught out. I find myself getting sidetracked. I was thinking, hmmm, now I am going to be angry, but this, this takes the wind out of my sails. I feel a bit like things are sliding out of my control. For one thing, my dad knows where I am, and why, and that sort of sinks any dreams I may have had of doing this thing quietly and going on, carrying on with my life without being accountable. I feel like I did when he had to show up at thornhill and go see the headmistress because i had allowed my temper to get the better of me and put a guy in hospital because he tackled me as I walked home, when I refused to play rugby. I feel like a little kid.

God, how easy it is for everything to suddenly turn on its head, just like that. I think a lot of them fools are gloating. Well, scant consolation as it might be, God had again, while I was still at the turck parking, asked me, "is there any mountain bigger than Him that is/ in the world?", and so, now, while I feel that things are really spiraling out of my control, I am not quite desperate, yet.
there is many a slip between the lip and the cup, and part of me, well, part of me is numb already. I just want this to end. One way or the other. I feel like I have lost out anyway. I have always had my own agenda, and seen it through, but now, things are a bit different. Others have their own agendas, and they can force them through while I am left disoriented.
People, they puzzle me.
God, even worse. 

Of course, all this sucks. To say that i would much rather be dead and just forget about everything seems like one of those cope-out statements, but then, while I can not ignore the fact that I have seriously, vehemently and pointedly tried to off myself in so many ways only to be defeated by things that do not make any sense, and can not be justified by mere logic, well, that makes me aware that I am an oddity in this world. So I can not just ignore that God has had an effect, that his work has impinged on my world, and therefore, while i am odd, I am not necessarily ... wrong.

I am in deep shit.

I could go away, i suppose, but where? To what end? I am a person that is living in two different worlds, one of which I have to let go of.

I am REALLY in deep shit.



Ah, well, that will teach me not to lie. My father is going to kill me. God will bring me back so that my MOTHER will kill me, and then, I will try to kill me.
Oh, hell, I feel so wrong in everything I do, it is giving me a complex already.
When will this end?
Ah, well, I can never complain that I had a boring life.
 My Father will definitely kill me.
I think he was insulted by the truck driver, who was a former soldier and is acquainted with him. And he knew nothing of this. I am dead. I could never live down the shame.
Hell, this is something else. At least no one can say that God was joking when He asked me, "Why be normal?". I am dead, and I am crazy. What a life!

Stepping Up To RED Alert

 When all is said and done, I suppose that the reason why I am/was hesitating was because I was trying to figure out ... WHY... just so that I could move on, and forget about 'love' and all that bullshit

I confess to have had a chink in my armour exposed and exploited so brutally I have never actually recovered from it, and now, I suppose the only way to ever get any closure is to cauterise the wound and just get done! I have had a grim satisfaction in knowing that I have, and provoking also, the hatred of people, just so that it becomes crystal clear how I want everyone out of my way, and so, what is left now, is to summon my latent capabilities and go on a full-scale war and end your lives.

Your "rights" are non-existent, because I override every single one of them. This is, basically, about 'might'. I could smile and engage in debate, and go on and on trying to hedge my bets, but what it boils down to is, Either I bend and accept your way of life and make do like one of you, Or I just accept that I am what I am, an antisocial, psychopathic, homicidal human being that can not tolerate other human beings, sentient creatures or anything that has the 'breath of life' in it to be anywhere near me. I think I will go for the latter. I do not think God gave me power over the earth, the ability to affect the weather, just so that I can make people have plentiful harvests. He promised never to destroy the earth again for the man's sake, with a flood, but then, this will NOT be His doing, it will be MINE, and so, I PROMISE to destroy the earth with a combination of floods, earthquakes, tsunamis and well, my personal favourite, the ground suddenly opening up and sending live specimens straight to hell. And i know just which ones, too!
All along, because God has deliberately been cryptic, I have been confused and uncertain about the things He has said, and done, and it is only by looking at myself, as I tried the past few days, or more accurately, the past few hours, that I even get a hint of what He meant; when I look at myself.

I am not expecting sympathy, but then, I have nothing to hide, and so, I will lay it out like it is. I have never known pain the like of which I have got at the hands of this woman. Maybe it is because, deep down, while I may have had affection for other people, I have not actually cared for anyone, but I was surprised, especially after observing the woe-begone expression on her face when she first walked right past me after i had 'rejected' her because she wore a wedding ring, that, gloves off, here was a person that I could not just ... ignore. I mean, I can walk into a room, and people will see either what I want them to see, or what they want to see, but in every situation, the real me would be invisible. I felt like frodo baggins in "Fellowship of the Ring" when he put on his ring and yet was still visible to tom bombadil where this woman is concerned, like I got spotted by a very 'seeing' eye. I have never felt so bare, so ... stripped  to the core as when she was around. Everyone else, I can block off, my mother, even my sisters, because I have a measure of them, but I found it impossible to ... pretend... that I had a thick skin whenever she was in the vicinity. And boy, did I suffer for it.
An image that I can not get out of my mind is seeing her walking, with a plastic bag, dressed in a black outfit that left nothing to the imagination, for all purposes being chatted up by this guy as she made her way back from the harbour, and she was pointing to the blasted building as if to say, "that is where I work" and the guy, some pushy arrogant asshole, was strutting around the way a person does when he is maing some headway with a chick. I felt INSANELY jealous and wanted to kill her. Come to think of it, that was when I had just decided NOT to kill her that she decided to act thus. I think I recorded that.
Then comes the time I was coming from wynberg, and as I passed that la parada of his, there was mike, with red-breeches at the counter, outside, while she sat with the pretender, who bowed his head as I walked past, and they were all having such a jolly time, and laughing aloud, and it was as if I was not even there, and when I said, to myself, "yes!", now I can  move on... well, the truth was, something was still missing, as far as I was concerned.  Then there was the flower incident, where she is standing, again with the pretender, and I figured out that this was all some set-up thing, and yet, it still bothered me a lot. Everything still bothers me a lot. I am, OK, I was about to say NOT emotional, but I admit I have never seen anyone who is so completely at the mercy of his emotions as I am, but I tend to ignore people, but where she is concerned, I have this hot searing pain in my heart, and sometimes, I find myself gasping, like a balloon flier that has gone too high and found nothing but rarified air so that he can not breathe. Unfortunately, because of my inability to forget, everything still comes in waves, fresh as ever, anytime I even turn my mind towards the woman. And, boy, it hurts like hell. And this is something I have no armour or shield against.

And how about the worst thing I have had to live through, something that I not only did NOT expect, but which sent such shock waves through my system that I began, from that time to go on an emotional shutdown, stepping up my efforts to just END the whole business and take on what is mine, which is, this earth. I tried to walk away, and yet, they say that hope springs eternal, even in the breast of someone as... vile?... in everyone's sight as I am. I found myself clinging to the pacifying statement by God when I walked in on The Kiss, or is The Kisses, as the two sat on the bench, "peace, be still", and while a part of me was detached enough to see that all this was another orchestrated thing, I can not hide the fact that I was rocked to the core. And that day, everyone close to her earned my undying hatred. I have tried to figure out why, but I suppose that is of no significance now. She probably had the same mindset as delilah with samson, find his weakness and use it to bring him down and save my people.
Unfortunately, I am under God-life support, and all that that means, which means no weapon ultimately succeeds against me. She failed to achieve what she wanted, she just made me angry. And now, I do not even want to find out whether I matter or not, to her. I just want to get some measure of revenge so that she feels some of the pain she caused, magnified a billlion times, yes?
YEAH-SSS.
Moving up to Red Alert. Prepare for War!

Motivated By Hate

Take it from the time God intervened in my life, when I was a teenager, and I ... met ... Him as I was walking back to ... my mother... and delaying it all as much as I could, because I was unable to mould myself the way she wished, and also, I was so aware that she and I were not on good terms, and i was running out of places to hide, what with my uncle dying. School was a bit of a relief, then, because I was away from her, but weekends and holidays were a nightmare. And then God shows up, at a dark place, in the night, and makes me aware that He is not only aware of me, but thinks something of me. Without a word being spoken. 
I HAVE HAD A PROBLEM WITH THAT, with Him on my ... side... so to speak, because everything that was ingrained in me from all the religious and moral studies was that one should love and seek to be at  peace with everyone, and yet I found myself unable to do either, and when it seemed God was unperturbed by all that, I got really, REALLY worried. It is like having a popular play redone in 'contemporary' terms, like romeo and juliet with black actors. The theme gets distorted, and you start wonderng where twisting the facts to suit the times will end. God did NOT act as I thought He would, and so, I have been having a difficult time here, trying to reconcile what I saw with what I expected.
But when you start being able to whistle for lightning and it happens, when you are angry and the rain falls down, when you try various means to kill yourself and it just DOES NOT happen, well, the unconventional becomes something you feel at home with.So, I am crazy, but then, I am not at peace with what goes on in life, I am really rather upset by it all. God, well, He is consistent. He did not come into my life, when I was really uncertain about my future, and start telling me that I had to change my ways and all that, but  He actually came and, by His silence, signified acceptance and consent for me to be what I am, and so, here I am, on  the brink of becoming a PUBLIC public enemy number one, and I am not at ease with the whole scenario. 

  Guess that picture tells the reason why. I am as confused as they come, I am at war with everything and everyone else, and 100% determined to see it through to the end, but there is THIS grey area in my life which, for the life of me, I can not just wish away.  

That there exists one person that has aroused protective instincts in me that even i never knew i had is in itself a surprise, but then, that at the same time I have come to be so doubtful of everything the person stands for, makes me feel like it would be best, for once in my life, if I just put a full-stop right about here and not seek to pursue this to its conclusion, because i am sure i am wasting my time here.

I can not tell if I love her or I hate her, but what I do know is that I can not accommodate her. I understand that people have wishes and dreams, but the cold, hard reality of where i stand is that I do not have even the slightest interest in bending to those dreams. What I am is so much at war with what everyone ELSE is there is NO room for peaceful co-existence between me and anyone any other party. 
it is one thing to be made a fool of by my enemies, but another to be made a fool of by the one person that you find has sneaked her way into some part of you that leaves you vulnerable. I think I am really stupid to be worrying myself even now about whether she even thinks of me at all, when in all likelihood she is saying good riddance to bad rubbish.
This morning, a guy actually offered me a lift to cape town, a 'homie' I had seen just the past couple of days, on his way to jo'burg, and I would have been tempted to take it but for the fact that  I do not run towards humilation. I could tell what would be the conclusion of i showed up;- "well, you may huff and puff all you wish, she would say, but you can not do anything without me, and now, because even you know that, here are my terms and conditions...",  again! Thank you very much, but all I have is my pride. I am not going to go down that road ever again. I would rather die than give anyone the satisfaction of thinking they had me where they wanted me. Hell, I would rather kill her, than give her that much room to manoeuvre as she wishes.
Both she and those around her have exploited the grey area shamelessly in the past, till I have grown rather tired of it, and decided, over and over again, that i would rather live life alone, because at the end of the day, whether she is next to me or not, we would still be miles away from each other, and i am tired of barking up the wrong tree. everyone has a limit, and I find that mine has been reached already. I can not take the rubbish anymore, and so, I think it would be best to just ... end this.

After all, what do we have in common? Like king kong, did he really expect to have anything more from the woman? Check the differences. I guess that is where all this comes to a head. she said some interesting things when I got arrested, about how i did not want to see any male around her, and I guess there and then I decided i had made an ass of myself, a great big fool. So, it is best to walk away, I think, before i make an even bigger one. I think I may as well stick to what I know best, that I can not stand people, and hate seeing them violate my private space, which happens to be... everywhere.

[He] Also Serves, Who But Sits ...

If anyone has ever been in a fight, there is nothing as satisfying as the bone-crunching sound of a well connected fist, the sight of the opponents head snapping back or the change that comes into a person's eyes as the fight goes out of him when a solid blow lands.

Yet, I, a virulently antisocial homicidal sociopath, have had to ... learn... to turn away from the physical bloodlust, and accept what is ... my... yoke, because, of course, I have been unable to, of late, get physical, or sustain it.
There is a saying that hard times do not change people or things, they just reveal what is already there, and I have been through my own private version of hell, and I have come to accept that I am NOT designed to be a physical person. I feel at times like I am in two disparate parts, and when or if I stand for a long time, or even have anything on my back while standing, my waist feels like someone has cut it in two. My back easily aches, like I am already carrying a heavy load when I am just me, unloaded, and so, I can not for any length of time do any manual labour, and even now, as I sit here, the tell-tale burning just under my shoulder blades tells me that I... wait... for rest.
God did not bring me back... to life... even as a kid. No, He somehow circumvented all the accepted norms about... life, and gave me a life-support system that makes me JUST able to be scientifically... alive, while technically numb and unresponsive to life.
What I discovered, even in the days when I adapted my fighting styles to my weaknesses, and decided to concentrate on a means of fighting that was up-close-and-personal, while using my wrists and elbows to engage the enemy or to fend of blows and then applying pressure when I had the opponent off-balance, was that I did not have the stamina for endurance. If I was doing something that FELT to me to be wrong, I would become weak, or drained all of a sudden, and when this happened in the midst of a fight, it could have embarrassing consequences, because the fragile hold I had on self-preservation would just snap, and I would find myself, horrifying, stopping to care about what happened to me and just handing a victory to the opponent, potentially, without the person earning it. Oh, I could be said to be a strong man, but let me have to do anything that involves having my backbone curved, like bending down to lift things, and I all of a sudden lose my strength, and become even weaker than a new born babe. Yet I can and have, lifted heavy people and thrown them aside like featherweights, when either adrenalin bypassed my inherent weaknesses, or when I did not have to bend over. I feel like darth vader, at times, in his suit, struggling to just breathe.
I have wondered at God, why He let me live... like this, when it is in His power to make me a whole person, a person that is fully operational, but I guess that, before I look to Him, I should recognise the operational rule that He works by, that He does not make something out of nothing. If I ... wanted to live... then He would have surely done something to ensure that such a thing as complete body restoration happened, but then, I was born, bred and now grown, in an atmosphere that did not encourage the longing for life, and so, I suppose He let me be this... very weird creature that I am, and left it at that, after giving me ... Rumble... to make sure that I at least survived. There have been times when I should have, because of my weakness, been dead, very oppressed or put in a corner, and He has steered me past these, and I am not blind to assume that these things just happened.
The reason i am saying this is that I have now come to that point where I recognise that in bringing me back to life, God put Himself under an obligation, to grant me whatever I felt I needed to make my... living... as stress-free as possible. That is why, eons ago, He said that my... yoke... was as academic to the fish. Academics do not DO anything, they are basically theoretical people, and the fish part, well, you know that it is written, "for the earth shall be full of the knowledge of the glory of the lord, as the waters cover the sea", and fish, well, live in the sea, or the waters, and so, if the earth will be full of the truth about the Worth of God, it will be like how the water in the sea, in which the fish live, is their habitation, their atmosphere, and their source of life. Basically, I suspect, it is another way of saying that God is the source of everything, just as the water is the means of life for the fish of the sea. In Him we live and move and have our being.
Because I am alive because of Him, all I have to do is NOT take matters into my own hands, but look to Him always and He will grant me whatever is necessary to make sure that my life can be sustained, regardless of how... painful, that may be for other people. Take, for example, my link with the weather. Let me say this, just in passing, the weather is about to start getting really very ... nasty... right about now. Because I have to move on with my... life.
I promised that people would die, and so it shall be. I promised that there will be NO deviation from my set course, that I am on my way to the US from here, and again, so it shall be, because of the mere fact that whatever I want, or feel should be changed to suit MY lifestyle, God will provide, because, unlike everyone of you, I do not have to pretend. MY own body is my sodium pentothal, it does not enable me to ... lie.
If I can not abide something, then I am NOT going to accept it.
As I said, there will be NO negotiation.
I have a feeling, based on how everytime I mentioned the US I used to get all these people trying to prove me wrong, to get me to behave, or to be the 'white worms' that my posts are not going as unregarded as the continued... stasis... may seem to suggest, and I will therefore just issue a warning. The guy who used to smile and joke with you fools is dead and gone. I am just a very, very, angry person that is fed up with the status quo, and regarding me as wrong, or flexible, or even misguided, and THEN trying to show me up when you are just mere flesh and blood and not something or someone that I look twice at, well, lets just say that this time, whoever steps in my way will have a very interesting encounter with the God of War, Who but ... sits... and waits.
I am done being trifled with. Question me, argue with me, at your peril. You have been warned.

As for the people that I have a particular grudge against, let me put it this way, while everyone is going to burn in hell, anyway, except for those that I said- and that is not something to be negotiated over, either- there HAS to be a specially hot place for you fools, and I would enjoy having the assurance that such will be the case.
I decide who lives or dies, and I have decided. Prepare to die.

Hail and powder

lightining and thunder

when the youth

them fed up and frus

bablylon fall like lumber

get cast asunder

when lighning set up and flash

when the cup them full and run over

the cup them full and run over

a judgement

for you mr man inna your benz...

While I May Never Walk Alone, Loneliness Knows Me By Name

I was just laughing at myself and at the things I have done in trying to figure out what God meant in certain instances, most of which, because of my view of God, or what I assumed He meant because of the situations I was in, was pretty absurd, to begin with. Take the cryptic, "Unseen Academicals" quote which made me go all over the place, when all He was pointing out was that I was not showing myself as I really am, but hiding behind a need to blend in, to be accepted. When the reality is that, not only does there not exist anyone remotely LIKE me, I myself do not even WANT to be like anyone, nor do I like anyone, nor do I care to be liked by anyone, when it gets down to it.

Who can ever say he died and came back to life? Ok, some may, and some will point out to jesus and all that bullshit, but then, soon as he came back to life, the earth became more or less off limits to him, and he then sat, and waited, and waits, for God to give him the rule of the earth. Well, let him hold his breath for a little longer, because, well, the king of the earth, he is about to be ... unleashed. Now, I know I sound really crazy, and I know that people rate others by their past successes, in which case i am poor at everything, and a certified failure, but how can I EXPLAIN that I know that now, NOW, there is a change in the air that I can feel, there is a wind that is blowing that is charging me up, revitalising me, and making me become the person I have always longed to be inside. I am looking up, and I have arrived at an inner peace that is not quite the result of anything that has happened, or is going on around me. I have come to understand the simple statement that God made, the one I had trouble with from the time I read this guy's book, "Holy Burnout" to now, when I wondered what God means, "Be still and know that I am God".Psalm 46:10, I guess. I will check.
yep. it goes, the whole verse:-

be still and know that I am God

I will be exalted among the heathen

I am exalted in all the earth

I often wondered what He meant, and that, together with the Isaiah 6 vision, made me wonder just when or how, 'king uzziah' would die in my life. But I guess the whole point was what I failed to register even at the beginning, that in the beginning, it was God Who started this, God Who walked into my life, and made me into what I am, and I have been... to be honest... afraid of Him, of what He may want, because I always assumed that all I was good for was the rubbish treatment. That is why I lived and live the way I do, and just wander around and have not much self respect, because I expected to be treated by Him the way those 'close' to me had treated me, like rubbish, like trash. And now, now I know what it feels like to 'be still'.
To stop fighting and rearing like a bucking bronco,  a horse that has to be reined in otherwise it will not listen. For once, in my life, I can stop looking down and look up and fix my eye on the face of God,  and know that I am not NOTHING to Him, that I matter a great deal more than even I can at present appreciate, that He sort of made up His mind to bear me long before I ever thought the day would come when I would not always be cursing Him and wanting to break free of Him.

He says, in another psalm, 

I will guide you with My eye

do not be like the horse or the mule

that need to be bridled, 

otherwise they will not listen to you

I am pretty sure i have it figured out, or rather, I have attained peace with God, because as I figured out long ago, 'righteousness' is actually accepting that, instead of going all rogue and then wanting God to jump in at the end, like christ did, everything begins with God, and once God is the first, the Beginner, then everything flows the way it should. I suppose that, in a way, I can say that I did not choose God, He chose me, so why should I try to be the one driving things. No, He knows what He is doing, and He is in charge. He will see to it that what He promised comes true. I only have to be myself, and stop pretending that I am ... how shall I say... responsible? Or in a mood to negotiate about stuff. Or interested in alternative ways? Get the drift?

 I even think now of the vision where he incoporated paul's statements, myles munroe's preaching, and then added His own subtext:-

In Him we live and move

and have our being

and existence exists in Him

and to him who sees

will go the crown

I suppose that what I am SAYING is, this may be all unpalatable to all of you, but I am NOT only NOT interested in acting on my own- I am dead, what kind of ambition do I have?- but also, I am NOT acting as I just arbitrarily decide. Whatever power, whatever success, I may have, it all comes first, straight, from God, because, frankly only He can provide the 'clean' place where I can take off my shoes and not have any thorns pierce me. I can then say that anyone who fights me, well, is NOT waging war against me alone, but against the One Who started all this, the One in overall charge.
just in case you think there will be a tribunal, let me set you straight:- while I say that God is in overall charge, that does NOT mean that He will arbitrate between me and anyone. No, what I mean is that He and I will sit and talk, and He will look at me, and I will look at Him, and we will look at the situation and then, decide what is to be done. People do not enter into it. This is strictly between me and Him, and there is no one else included. Because only before Him can I be myself.
now, frankly, I am ready for people to die, and I want people to die. I am not afraid of being alone, because I have been alone in the most telling way possible, and have endured it, and so, being physically alone is not a challenge. After all, I never did like and I never will love fans!

So, let us see, shall we not, what happens now, yes? YEAH-SS!
My day is here. I can feel it.

I can almost feel myself at the controls of a plane.
how difficult can it be to fly one of those things?
I mean, there is a word that they use, "ergonomics' I guess, to describe the logical placing of things. If one wants to effect some change, then one has to have a conveniently placed 'effector' lever or button or switch and all I need to do is put myself in the engineer's shoes, and then, presto, it will come naturally.

I Am That I Am

There is a joke in what I consider to be the funniest book I have read, "The Colour of Magic", which goes something like, if I remember correctly,someone is cursing someone else and going "you! such a one who, while wearing a copper helmet, on a mountain-top, in the middle of a storm, and says that the gods have the facial features of a diseased aloaruha root..."(I guess he meant a fool) . That is asking for trouble, there, standing in a lightning storm with a conducting metal on your head,right, but also, it has a lot to do with, translation, because if the original rendition of the curse was kept as is, things would be a whole lot different, right? Which brings me to my ... dilemna.
Moses, when God tells him to take off his shoes, fear no evil, because the place where he is standing is clean, there can be nothing which can harm him-that is what GOD meant by 'the place is holy, not this religious bullshit that copy-cats later came up with FYI- asked who shall he say sent him, and God said, "YHWH", which the scholars struggled to show as, "I Am What I Am" or "I Will Be What I Will Be", which is all, really, rubbish, because He was being consistent, He was saying that He is Now Acting as a result of what went first or was past, based on a Promise for the Future made in the Past. Which thing moses should have known, but did not, because he wanted a new thing for a new time, not something based on the old things. This moses of yours actually corrupted scripture, because if one reads what God Himself told him about the ten commandments, and what moses, in his re-iteration some forty years later, as recorded in the book of deuteronomy, actually SAID, one gets the measure of the man, a person who had no trust in God and wanted to shape God the way he wanted, as a sort of tied-to-the-jews genie or something who would always be at their beck and call. Silly fool. of course, you wont accept a thing i say because it is better for you to rubbish everything i say, but this is right in the bible, which both jews and fucking christians adhere to, you assholes! I am NOT making anything up!
Anyway, after my last post, I got to thinking. God has never dealt with my present in the present, but always in the past, because if anyone has been paying attention, then he or she would have noticed that, even before i had examined myself to figure out what I wanted, God had already hinted at it, and even before i could say that, ok, NOW I must leave home, He had already, long before the first black man to be president ever GOT to be president, said that someone would go to smooth the way for my take-over, just so that it would not seem, as many would think, that, because i have rejected my own language and think and speak in English, i probably want to be white. Or think white is special. I have looked at white women for this one reason only, which is that I had rejected every other race, having, of course, slept with women of other races and not wanting to have any such reminder in my future, but i am proud to be black, and would not change a thing in my make-up for anything in the world.
Speaking of women; I guess that, after i concluded that what I wanted God could not give me, because the last woman I had under my scrutiny, for all that she sent me mixed signals and made me unsure if she is involved with anyone or not, had made me decide that fuck this, i would state what I wanted, and preferred and then sign off on women anyway because i would not welcome any woman after this who, even if she had the right credentials, would show up on my door, simply because what I wanted was supposed to have already BEEN provided before i even KNEW I wanted it, and so, to cut a long story short, I was making myself celibate, for the rest of my life, seeing as there was nothing but disappointment out there for me.
I have a life that is like constantly walking a minefield, and i have issues of trust. God, thankfully acts consistently, and so, i can rely on Him to be "YHWH", and so, while i am not technically RULING out the fact that there may be someone in my past that satisfies the requirements that I have, that she is a virgin, has never even looked at another man, never been held by another man, and never whispered sweet nothings to another guy, nor traced her fingers down the guy's shirt front- and that, even for a guy inclined to believe God for the impossible like me, is a BIG, HUGE ask- I am saying that there is no one that has warmed my heart. Fucking liars and hypocrites the whole lot of them. Even when I state, repeatedly, to stupid women that I am not interested in second-hand women, they still show up, they still come out and think I am somehow going to be a desperado and grab whatever is there for the taking. Ah, well, i, like moses, have decided to take my shoes off and show just what I really want, and take my stand, as I am.
Look, even if I was starved of sex, and some women came out and well, she had  had a boyfriend, or a child, or is divorced, I am the type of person that does not just pick things up from that point on and ignore the past. It will rankle with me, that not only does God rate me so poorly that I must take another's leavings, but at the same time, that the woman would be silently comparing me to the previous guys. And trust me, once i get the poor woman in a corner over that, I would make her pay. I did that repeatedly over the past, and i do not want to be unhappy with women, no. I would rather have a woman that brought NO baggage, and had a past that I was happy with, and someone that was 100% focused on me, and NOT on some petty if-you-are-sparing-your-family-you-must-consider-mine-also bullshit. I am NO ONE's equal, and will NOT negoti ate over WHO I decide gets to live or die.Fuck, I do not owe anyone anything, and far as i am concerned, the woman would have to forget her family, because I would destroy them anyway, them being strangers to me. I guess that would be the litmus test of true love, for me anyway, because women, well, women are like the mythical black holes, they suck the light out of one, and then blame him for not being a man. NO, I do not want a "fair" woman, I want one that is 100% mine, which is why I realise that I was all the time struggling for something that was not mine to have, and have quit.

As I said before, I will not argue with mere mortals. If my way is too tough, well, tough, stay the fuck out of it. Maybe what God meant when He said, "through your family I fulfill your dreams" was that this would have to involve my REAL family, and not necessarily the "family" one gets when one has, for example, a wife.
Wife? That seems like the most wishful thinking of wishful thoughts, far as I am concerned. I have NO idea what He intends to do this week, but for once in my life, i am actually relaxed. I caught myself singing for the first time in a long time, when I realised that well, the die is cast, and things are about to move as they should.  

Now, if you ever wanted to see what kind of person I am, this is the kind, the kind that does not 'live on bread alone, but by every word that comes out of the mouth of God' leave a part out, at your peril if you ever  get entangled with me


































 

For he also is... But Dust

I have had a problem with the holy spirit from as far back as I can remember, because the things God does NOT do, he takes on himself to do. I know that I seem just a stubborn, WRONG, person in everything I do, but then, I am the guy that was tossed into this with nothing but my eyes, ears and mind open to figure out just how things really are, and well, I actually turn out to be the ONE person that is RIGHT, while every one of you is WRONG

So, this is the deal. God said, and well, my POINT is that He always knew what He was doing so He was not wrong about this; He saw that his spirit was 'striving against man', trying to shape the man in what he thought ought to be the way he must go, and God said that he would NOT always do so, but that whenever he tried, he would nevertheless have 120 years. The operative word is 'nevertheless'. Which means a MINIMUM of 120 years. If God meant man, then the man would have lived, any man, for at least 120 years, and since God's word is immutable, it follows that no man should die before 120, but since that is not happening, then it means God was saying that the holy spirit, like the man, did not look UP to God, but carried on as he wished, thinking that God was in his pocket, and in agreement with everything he did. Hell, he is not even ashamed to imitate God, not knowing that The Holy One is NOT to be trifled with. Which psalm is it that He said, "these things you do, and think that I am altogether like you"? Should be psalm 51, I will check now.It is actually psalm 50, and another mistake even jesus made was to say things like, in prayer, "your kingdom come..." when God is in effect, and has always in effect been saying, 'the earth is Mine', meaning He already is King, and there is NO coming, which makes on wonder, if that is the case, what is He waiting for, why does He not do something about all these people and spirits and angels that carry on as they wish? On His earth?
because of what I tried to explain before, in my post, which was it, about the firstborn, and all that, the friday one, because He made this world for one man, who was to have dominion over everything, and from the beginning, the spirit has been messing things up. God made the first man, and in effect said to the spirit and to jesus, get out of the way, and I will make a man out of My own image, and in My likeness, and as soon as the man was made, the holy spirit entered into him, and tried to make him over.
he tried with me, and we went into battle mode, because the person he tried to make over was a person God had surreptitiously brought back from death, without telling anyone about it, and equipped with a helper, and well, the thing about people who are already dead is, you can not really lure them into being what you want because they have no grasp of life. I am a dead man walking, and so, when the holy spirit came in and tried to make me see what I had to lose, it was easy to walk away from it all, because there was nothing I cared that deeply about. I can not bear to compromise, to get steeped deeper into life, and so, where he fails is in thinking that I can be bought, threatened, cajoled or coerced into anything.
Like he tried over the weekend.  

So, because the place I sleep is not one where lazing around the whole day is encouraged, I wake up every morning and go stand by the truck parking behind the total garage. I get to see some homies, and well, I trot out the story that I got left behind by the heartless people of chihwa buses, and that is how I get some 'loose change' to buy bread and stuff. Now the staff at total got to know me, because at times, when really pissed, I try to hike to cape town, just to escape the life, because I am not interested in going home. Well, this is what the fool, the spirit of God, tried to do with me, which makes me mad, and leaves me feeling impotent at the same time:

Because God used the lyrics, "i will be gone in the morning/when/ you awake and find/ I'm no longer there" when i was still searching and had not found out the core truth, about myself, about life, about what I wanted done; just to indicate that I was looking for something better, he decided to do the same, saturday night, as i walked to sleep. And I smelled a rat, because I KNOW myself by now, and i am NOT likely to change, I am 100% aware and not going to be 'gone' anywhere, till, as I said, I solve my ONE problem, and then kill off everyone I have no wish to see live for the next seven years, and go off to the US.
Anyway, sunday morning, I did not wake up as early as I should have, I actually tarried more than a bit under the bridge, and when I did get to the garage, the staff at total were frantic.They had looked everywhere for me. The chihwa bus had been here, left 30 minutes ago, they said, and they were aware that they left someone behind and they were waiting for you. They will come again sunday.(funny thing, they now want me near-by, to wait for the bus, and, after I came from the ventersburg library this last time, I had a nice, long, hot shower, and well, I feel good. Was starting to really gripe about the way my skin was looking like a lizard's) And I knew that the asshole had tried his luck, again. Again and again, fools think I am wrong, and again and again, they tamper with my plans. And for WHAT am I stuck here? I am getting rather upset, and thinking, fuck this, why not give in. God said He watches over His word to perform it, and now He is making it like I MYSELF must fight to make things happen. I mean, fuck that, come on, this is bullshit! BULLSHIT!
For those I said I will kill, there will be NO mercy, I owe NO one any favours, and I will spare no one but those I said I will. I have NO idea just how I will get past this one obstacle, but fuck it, get past it I will. Because while I may not know how, I also know, not only from biblical experience but from firsthand knowledge, that God will never lie, but will do as He promises, which is why I am as arrogant as I am, knowing that, come what may, I will ultimately prevail. So, THIS week-remember 'week'- anyone, this week, something will change, and when it does, you will die. There is not going to be another option, no, not one. I am sick and tired of having to put up with a lifestyle of lies and make-do. I am the lord of the earth, and it is time that was obvious, to all, and every other power that seeks to pit itself against mine was melted like candle wax before a blaze.

When it comes to powers

and principalities;-
In The End

There Shall Be ONLY ONE

and that will be ME!