On God and.. Mistakes... and yokes... and MY final word. Or FIRST Word

Now, i have discovered for myself a ... love... for explaining things, I am what you would call a 'natural' teacher, and on the other hand, I have discovered what i can call the ULTIMATE thrill ride, trying to find God's fault, sort of my ... default setting.
And I can confidently say that, like floyd mayweather did say when he became world boxing champion, God does not make mistakes. Wonder if the clip of that speech IS on YouTube?
Well, fuck THAT anyway.
So, today, anyway, I was left thinking, admit it You screwed up, Ok, this is NEVER going to happen, and yet, I felt like I was fooling myself, see?

because it was as I was thinking of coming home that these guys came and sat down beside me, the street perfomers, and one of them picked a tune on his trumpet that had me going, Oh... well, well. I will try to find it on YouTube while I play this one[above], it has nothing whatsoever to do with what I am writing, but, hell, I just kinda like it, anyway, and I was singing it whole day yesterday and today because it is just catchy, OK? Fuck you anyway!

OK, so, the joke is on ... me. I mean, look at THAT guy that is trying to catch the pink panther, bashing stuff, gets a swollen hand, and shoots himself, and all that. ha ha, very funny, OK. And anyway, about a couple of weeks ago, first time I got to site 5 anyway, before I even ended up not even wanting to come back to kalk bay, I had a sort of funny vision- and a dead giveaway, just in case you think I am making this up, is that I was writing about doubting thomas then;- you will get it later.

So, I was like, in those days I was wondering about going home, and I had a vision of my mother, and she was looking rather smug, and looking at a ... bed. OK, she was in  the sitting room, and from where she was sitting, she could see into the spare bedroom I used as my bedroom, and my sister, the one that i can never seem to tear myself from, was lying on it, a spare bed that is, and there were some chicky two or so people on either side who were also apparently mocking me.
I said something like I could, if these people did NOT stop their stupidity,  change my mind and let them suffer, or something like that, and then I went back to the sitting room, my mother was still looking smug, and I turned on the TV, and this  sound-theme came up, but instead of the pink panther, a white... woman ... appeared, and she had a peculiar walk, like she had torn one of her leg muscles. Ok, she moved in the... uncomfortable manner that I have seen the woman that I ... love..OK, then, I admit it, I LOVE her, fuck it... move,  when she wore flat shoes, instead of high heels,on two legs, and she had her back against a wall, like everything was highlighted, and she then turned her back to the screen, this woman, and she had an imprint of a palm with splayed fingers on her back, and she found a hole in the wall, which was like swiss cheese, the wall, and she walked in, followed by a grey mouse, about her size.
then after that, a cat came after, and like in Tom and Jerry, it rushed into the hole, and cartoon like, poked its head out of another, and another till it looked like it was made of rubber, or some elastic plastic -that is an oxymoron actually, because the two are, in science in effect, opposites- and then after pulling out a drawer, it got a key, and then, in a hole that...(OK, I get it!, but let me bring the story to its conclusion) had a keyhole in it, it suddenly stuck out that seemingly infinitely extensible head, and, with its mouth, put the key in the hole and a drawer came out, and pushed him out, and he dug into it,flipped the papers and stuff, till he came to the very end and then said, "Ok, then so there are FOUR who come first and then she is last?"
And that was it.
Ok, you are the geniuses, you can figure it out, since you all know so much, but while i listen to the guy who sell(s) marijuana pon di corner/saw no informer pon di corner/ me stash have for hide/when police arrive/me have fir show up in court like rihhanna.... i will mention what happened today, after composing myself, ha ha!
Anyway, I went to... kalk bay, and when I got there, the first person to ... try his luck was the cunt of a rasta, and he looked like a cat that had swallowed the owners pet mouse, his cheeks were so puffed up at the... injustice of it all... like was I serious that i was going to KILL him because of that girl? Like he and she were even involved? I mean, that was so ... unfair?
I laughed aloud.
i could not help it.
It was like, freaky!
of course, I am going to kill you anyway, asshole, that I will NOT change. I can not let you live. It goes against all that I am.And I am the boss! 
then came various people, like the gallery woman, another woman who found our conversation on the zim political situation  quite interesting, tilkl she got a message, which aI read, "we are waiting for you", and she had to go and meet these other people, and then she came back, mission accomplished, and spoke about a guy with ... thinning hair-a butt-head- called dave who works upstairs. I feel insulted that a decision of mine is questioned so, so they BOTH die. I mean, what the fuck?
then there was mike, and he went to that cottage, vinnie went also to get something, told me SHE was there, and that is when I flipped, and went there to see her, and she was NOT there or had left, and then I came back, and went to see if she was upstairs, and she was, and I gave her the finger, but my heart was not in it, and then i ... concentrated on making money, sold things, and came home.
of course, the... individuals... that pissed me off, male or female, that STILL do not get it that I SAID I am going to kill them and I MEANT I am going to kill, well, they are dead. I have  a fixed rule there, and it goes like so. "IF you have pissed me off, and I say you are dead, then you are dead."
Should be simple, yeah?
YEAH-SSS
Now, about that dream.
simple, Ok, I had an ... appeal.Fact is, I will start with the january 9 vision where I said after being told 'Tell Me what you want from me", "ten million dollars to build that thing". There was a first part that I deliberately excluded all this time, till I did the math. It was me and this woman michelle, and it was like, the intro, after six years I wanted to go home, but if I came back, I would divorce her, like we had been married, and she was like "why did you go there to begin with?", as if it was all my ... mother's fault. But I had started acting like I did not care, and so I just brushed it off, and walked away, solo.
That was when God did the "tell Me...." stuff.
ok, then there is this OTHER thing.
i can not ... force a person to do as I please, not if, like in this case, she ... matters... to me. I can ride roughshod over anyone because I frankly do NOT care what happens to all of you, and that STANDS, but when it came to her, she has taken a peace of my heart like you would not believe, and I try to act macho- I was priding myself on not twisting my hair at all the whole day- but I get so... worried.
And I said, on more than one occasion, she IS an easy book to read, and SHE did tell me what it would take for me to get her, did I not say? She did, and we all know what that is, right?
And I hate being TOLD what to do, and yet, I love the way I was... told.
so, fuck it, this doubting, hopeless person will have to take on the holy spirit the long slugging way, and not take any shortcuts.
I will just have to outwit him, and get him to give up his ground without having to destroy the jews in the process. Not as a people. but if they did individually piss me off, or she chose the wrong approach to get her point across, then, well, there is NO reverse mode. I will PERSONALLY maul and kill mike. Oh, hell, I will.

As for the other things, which I told her I do NOT like, well, fuck it, I do not like them. Matter of fact, I will say them... again. You will come out from your people, all of them, whoever it may be, and all those guys you even spoke to when i said i did not like it, well, they are dead, and that cottage is going to be destroyed, and those parking guys will lose their lives, and all that hubbla hubbla, you get the drift.

i will not go home,  I will try my best to... educate people in what is the best way to... live, and stop all this parenting nonsense, but I will NOT destroy the lives of people unnecessarily, unless they challenge me, and then I will waste them like you would not believe, but I am set on leaving this planet anyway, and will ... TRY ... to live the compliant people on the planet.

well, i am giving nothing away here. if they can not learn, I will kill them anyway. they piss me off, i will kill whoever it is, they stand in my way, I will kill them, and if they have pissed me off, they are already dead.

now, does that meet your requirements?

and do not even bother to go, "I can not look after the ... child... on my own", unless you still think I AM a child, that you need to look after, like I need anything from you except... Ok, your love, companionship, and that you cover MY legs, those, and stop wearing that disgusting black, those disgusting minis, and those high heels, and you get your head sorted that I am smarter than you, tougher than you, know more than you, and will NOT be led by you. In short that you start looking up to me, or else.

Fuck I do not know what to do with you!  

I apologise
for the changes I put you through
my intent did not
include hurting you
but insecurity
had a way of taking over me
and telling me that
any excuse would do

so i need you
your heartbeat right next to mine
coz i know that
we'll get through this
it'll just take us some time
baby dont say
a single word
put your arms around me
this is the time that i love you the most
BUT 
I gotta win this war inside of me

i knew that 
there'll be days like this
when I would wanna let go
feeling like i'm in, over my head...
but I wont let days like this change my feelings for you

Well, I hope that the last statement holds, because if anyone is having to fight to just stop from totally shutting out any hope, it is me

Oh, by the way, just in case I forgot, I am STILL emptying all of america, but will try to do it by ... upsetting people and potecting the things I want in it
Ok, so I will try NOT to kill people, although of course, I am still taking what I want,a nd sending all those that stand in my way out of it.
maybe permanetly, too.
I hate that book guy with his son in the uk. Like, REALLY!
Use me will you?
i need a ride, and I am not ASKING for one, too!
now, to pay part of the remainder of my rent. I owed R120 at the beginning of the day, now I will owe just... mmm a lot less!
kalk bay seems to be growing on me. I will be back, tomorrow know what they say about a theory and all that!

No ... Man's... Land

Last night, which I WILL relate anyway, since I find more and more I can not keep things to myself, went something like this
Me;- You Unmitigated, Stupid and Uncaring Fool, You get me into these scrapes ALL the time, and now I am having to lick wounds that I would not even have had to have if You had not taken it into Your jealous Head [I must say that I ... think... everything to do with God has to have capital letters, because well, He is God, and I am NOT, as you may assume talking about a being I think is God, I KNOW that the person I can not help insulting at anything that goes wrong in my life IS El- Elyon, The Most High, The Great God of the Universe, as I will show in a mo',  and I could NOT care less] Why the fuck does it bother You so much that I am alive, that You MUST make me endure all this bullshit, and still DO nothing about it!
fuck it, it is beginning to sound like I am ... STUCK... in place here, You SOD!
God:- "Let"
Me;- "Let?, "let?", LET?!. Fuck You, YOU think that... OK, then Asshole, from now on, I , fuck it I will NOT ask You for power over everything, DEMAND power over everything, because I am fucking sick and tired of all this bullshit. I get barked at by dogs, that MUST stop. I want, and I will HAVE complete, unabridged, unconditional, power over every living thing, whether on this planet or under it, whether it is WITH you or wherever, as long as its attention is towards THIS planet, I want it UNDER me. I am sick of all this rubbish. I will not have ANYTHING rule over me anymore, no way, NOTHING will have the means to do anything to  me, but I will do as I please to it. And, of course, I want to have complete authority over the earth, the sky, the weather, not this erratic thing, but full control.
of course, thing is, He said, at the beginning, "Let Us make man out of Our own Image and In Our likeness, and LET them have dominion... ", and well,  He made the man, the man decided to become an animal, a father, and all that, and so he never actually worked at it so that he could HAVE dominion over the earth, and as a result, God ... cursed... the earth for the man's sake, because, as usual he listened to the voice of a woman.
I have said the same thing over and over again, but I suppose people do not get it. I will NEVER have a decision of mine dictated to by a mere person, male or female. I have decided that people will die, and well, they will die. NO one intercedes, because NO ONE TELLS ME WHAT TO DO!. EVER!

After thinking about it for a while, though, I was like, "FUCK that!, You will NOT make me start taking things to myself like I actually care enough to want to have all these trappings of power, I KNOW what You are trying to make me do, so hell..."
God:- ( pregnant silence)
Me:- (I was suddenly aware of what king of game I have been playing all along, and well, thought Him too stupid to catch on. But He is GOOOD, and what is more, He was always way ahead of me, and I am thinking that this life that He has given me is because He could not resist it. I mean, for the first time I understand that God loves me. he loved me so much He decided NOT to hide it and staked His claim on the One person in existence that saw life and how it was being lived and decided to take the first exit, and well, NOW I understand what He meant when He, that time, reminded me of that song;-
"I  hear your hollow laughter
your size of secret pain
pretending and inventing
just to hide the shame
plastic smiles and faces
blinking back the tears
empty friends and places
all magnify your fears
if you are tired and weary
weak and heavy laden
I can understand how
it feels to be alone
I can take your burden
if you'll LET Me love you
I will take your burden
and give your heart a home
take My yoke upon you..."
I was always like, Ok, so, God decided to waltz into my life, and all that, now, all I need from Him is ONE mistake, just ONE, and I will call it quits and say to Him, "You say that You watch over Your word to perform it, now, here, I have discovered an error. You suck, so fuck it, let me be, and let me die, You are too little for me to even bother about, Asshole!"
So, last night was also about me going, "aha, God, this chick of yours, she may be a virgin -well, she better be, not because I will kill her if she is not, but because if she is NOT, then God slipped up, and if He slipped up, He has no right to say that I must have fifteen years of life, to do what? fuck it, I will not just 'make do with what I have", hell, I will NOT abide a single mistake, NO. He said it, He fulfils it! Oh he is a fraud, and not as great as He says He is- but she fucking well will NOT listen to me, and thinks I am this little fool. I tell her what I do not like, but she does not listen to me, and I assume it is because I am staying on the mountain, and so she judges me by my appearance. Now I am staying in a house, and I still do not like her working there, and I still WILL kill those assholes like mike and all that, and she STILL treats me like a fool, so, its YOUR fault, because I am OUT of things to say or do. I have said all I can, and now, admit it, You have failed in YOUR ... plans. You lose, so, let me go, and let me die."
And my fucking memory had to remind me of the vision which ends, "why did you not say that you were my firstborn?", and so, I rewind, and realise that I gave the impression that I was a person that fears God and lets Him dictate terms to me in my  next-to-last post, or that I am trying to, you know, make as if I have something to lose, and all that. Hell, no, I have my focus firmly ON God, and whether He slips up. if and when He does, I will be rid of Him. And that is never going to change. I mean, He said something that has been making me struggle to keep from laughing aloud at times, "let the waters under heaven be gathered together in ONE place, and let dry land appear"> meaning that nowhere else except in heaven, where His Home is, where even jesus is, can there be found water, not on any of these planets.
I, well, I intend to find that out, of course. Imean, THAT is next on the agenda.
for now, though I have to pay my rent, and that means I am coming to kalk bay, to sit on those guys till they give me my money. What an interesting time I will have there, with fools who think I am so much a simpleton, and doomed people, and all that. My, I can not wait!

 

As good as a theory is... it MUST stand the test!

So, I put mine to the test, after going, fuck that, and well, people, you are going to need plenty of THOSE above, YEAH-SSS!
After my post earlier, I went back home, and tried to focus on anything but the rising sense of incredulity that was besetting me. NOT that I can and will kill everyone else on the planet by 2020, but that anyone could actually BELIEVE that, even if i was right about anything else.
Fools would NOT get that what matters to me the MOST is respect, look down on me, and I will definitely KILL you.
So, I decided to walk to kalk bay, because also, I was worried about the state of affairs between me and vinnie. I needed one on one time with him, and did not want to have him among those I ... unnecessarily... kill.
We hit it off nicely, and settled our differences amicably, and i was quite pleased. And relieved. Hell was not a place I want to see him IN.
So, I gritted my teeth for the other business.
the looking down on me business.
THAT woman.
When I got to kalk bay, I had arrived unannounced, and known anyway that my presence would not take long before it was a matter of public consumption.
THING is, I had been studying the bahaviour of the woman, and known that it was IMPOSSIBLE for her to take me as anything more than a misguided, simple ... child. EVER.
So, I effectively said, "Fuck You, God, I know that she is the ONLY person I can stand, and all that bullshit, but the fucking woman will NEVER have respect for me, and I bet you that she is the first person I kill!", and I therefore checked the offices. The windows were open, and there was, conspicuously, no one present.
Same Old Shit.
Wait till he is in agood mood, then show him the ropes!
So far, nothing changed.
Even to the other doomed person driving his CR-V into my face, the green super-sleuth with his kindergarten spy degree.
Of course, whoever HE is HE is dead, but then, saying that or even writing that is just a waste of time, because my WAGER was about that woman.
So, I went and talked to vinnie's wife, cracked jokes, and sat down with vinnie,saw red-breeches pass by, and i could have written the next part, from HER standpoint, without even having to wait to find out.
Competition=> No dummy, I am the one you want=> NOW i would see her. So I checked, again, and what do you know, there she was, right there, in the offices, and i laughed.
of course, the other giveaway was that mike, that asshole, was THERE, he parked his car very conspicuously where i could see it when i was conveniently busily engrossed in conversation with vinnie about some bible study he was involved in. Of course, i asked him about "my' girlfriend- what a laugh, that!- and he filled me in, and so, I was like, what the fuck did I tell You? You fucking wasted my time, and NOW I am pissed off, REAL pissed off. I went to see, and as i said, I laughed, and decided to walk past mike who was so totally in this deep, enlivening conversation with some cronies of his outside his la parada, and threw a spanner in the works by going "we nuh jim carey/ and nobody nuh dare fir laugh when them hear we/ coz we nuh funny man, no no we nuh funny", and while they paid NO attention whatsoever to my passing so close to them, they definitely stopped their very titillating conversation to listen, as I gave them my back.
Of course,  I am not civilised, and so, when I thought of every word I had written, and everything I had been at pains to ... explain... and having it all thrown down the drain because some silly little fool with the IQ of a kitchen sink decided she KNEW better, I kneed that post, and the silly woman was out in a flash, walking to her car in some disgusting mini, and high heels, and i did not wait to see more of that.
I will kill the bitch, and so, I have nothing further to say, not on that subject. It is for you all to start worrying about WHEN.
Drink lots and lots of water. Eternity is a LONG, LONG time.
I guess it is a harley for me.

 A bit too... staid. I hate ... white. Come to think of it, I REALLY hate white.

 Bigger engine, but the white puts me off, there

 That is NOT quite what I had in mind.
looks rather small to me

Well, that COULD be the night rod special, black and all that, but it still does not scream.... prince, to me!

 This one, though, says LETS ride, to judgement, exactly like the terminator, only THIS is live, real life, and well, it is happening right here in... life.
only difference is, the TERMINATOR in this case, is there to... terminate., and unlike the guy below, he is... black.
And Black is NEVER good. It is BAD. REAL bad!

You Grim rim
them boy don't know mad people

let me see your lighters up inna di air

from your born bad

said bravery

bravery we bad

we crazy

big badness turn up

whentime the alien them them step out

nineties them no bad like we

what them talking about

badda than dem

badda than dem

them so pussy boy

make we gunna down dem

step out of view make your beggar escape

a bowler make way escape bad... yeah whatever!

A ... Voice... In Ramah Gilead... Rachel Weeping for her children, for they are no more

Talk about God being... explicit!

Now, I watch as zim crash out of the competition,  walk out to buy some ganja, and on my way back, just observe as people go about their lives, and I feel a sense of unreality to everything, like, fuck, this is NEVER going to happen, and i am laughing at myself, and at my dramatic statements, like, "in the end there shall be only one", "after me there shall be no more".
Crap, I say, and of course, well, what with me being me, and always blaming God for everything, well, God takes it personally, and I get... educated.
so, let me share my ... education... with you.
not that it will help any of you,  though!
I am thinking about this other time when I went to stay with an uncle of mine, to have my papers sorted, after I had  destroyed the first batch, and well, guy has an interesting ... life. Now, his wife and my mother are cousins, with my mother's mother and his wife's father being brother and sister, see, and well, he was a major in the army, and it is his address I listed as an alternative address; 17701 Vlei crescent New Cranborne Harare, and well, the wife, my aunt, is very religious, belonging to this Bethsaida Apostolic Church, those African spiritual people who base everything on what the spirit says and go to mountains to pray and all that stuff, with liberal sprinklings of the bible and of their founder, a 'bishop' manhango, who saw/met the spirit when... drunk... and was reformed. Same old story, yes?
Anyway, when i was there, I was thinking and feeling like, fuck this, I am the worst possible thing alive, the most insignificant, the least of the least, less than dust, 'human waste' like my mother had said to my face, and so, when this woman, one day, who was one of the 'prophetesses' and came to sponge off the uncle, like, by staying around for a while and then -it was a famine year, I remember, and my uncle was attached to the GMB as a project manager, meaning practically all grain and stuff went through his hands to wherever, and the kickbacks he got made him live a life few I have even seen, even here in RSA, can compare with- going back with a shitload of groceries; well this woman said to me that she had observed me and that I looked down on everyone, and held myself as better than them all, and was secretly laughing at all that was happening like all they did was pathetic.
And I thought, woman, you must be really drunk, because I KNOW what I am. I am  a piece of shit, and I will never BE any of those things you say I am.
Then, of course, the ... link... was inevitable, because MY response even THEN was the same as the response some guy made when told the horrendous things he would do to the children of Israel.
Now, remember that Elijah had been told to anoint Elisha in his place, and Jehu in the place of the king of Israel, and then hazael as the next king of Damascus, so that God would literally tear down the people He had chosen for Himself?
Didn't happen,. ejijah though He must be crazy, and it was only when ben-hadad was ill that he sent hazael to inquire what was to be, and then Elisha looked at the messenger and started weeping because he saw the doom of  his people, and when the ashamed hazael asked what was the matter, he was told, you will dash babes on walls, bla bla, and HIS response is the one that was illuminating;- "how can I a MERE dog, do such things?"
And the guy revealed that he WANTED to do this stuff, but then, he was sure he would never get the satisfaction.
As a man thinketh in his heart, so is HE
Now, to get to other issues and tie all this up, OK.
I remember saying that I blamed God that He had given me this ... woman, and I explained that He responded that I had taken her because I was jealous of the attention she was giving her son, and I wanted to come between the two, and also that He added that "My yoke is easy and MY burden is light... and my yoke is as academic to the fish" [Isaiah 6; 1-13] and well, I was left non-plussed, because after I had assumed that it was all over, I was infected and could have NO hope of having a woman at all,  God had, beginning of the year 2004, shown me the vision I spoke of, of my cousion tariro angela mashora, holding a book with a hole where nothing was written  on the blank page after the author's credits and such and then easy to read everywhere else, and she was pointing towards my father's gate. And I took that awry and assumed that God meant that, since I was NOW low down and useless I must settle for someone that had had someone else 'ink' their pen in her fountain, and so, I took her.
even when God had specified, over and over again, that I choose what kind of world, what kind of GIRL I wanted.
As I discovered a few days ago just what KIND I wanted, and said, "fuck You, that will never happen!"
The girl who, like Rachel with Jacob, looked down on her ... husband... because she saw the guy as having 'stolen' her father's wealth.
 A woman I have grown to love but who persists in thinking I am an interloper who MUSTY give the glory back to the people of Israel, because THEY are the heirs of the world, because God is THEIR God and I am trying to muscle in on what is theirs.
A woman who showed her hand when I ... hinted... that I would spare the jews, and was ready to offer herself to me on THAT condition.
All I ever wanted was a straightforward... virgin.
Who would sink her hooks in me and refuse to let go.

But, of course, I am GOING to remove everyone from THIS planet, everyone else, because well, I do not, can not abide people invading my territory. I actually DO look down on everyone, and can not stand the lies anymore. I am the only one who can be said to have 'climbed' Jacob's ladder, and now, am 'with God', because I have never been able to look at and just focus on, people, or their needs and wants. I am like, God, this is all YOUR fault, You kept me alive, and now all this crap is in my way. Do I have to stand it, and just fucking put up with it or what the fuck?
So, of course, we take it from there.
So, this is NOT about race, or whatever, this is just about pecking order. I rule, I say, it happens.
I will make sure not to unnecessarily... physically harm... people that matter, just show them the facts, and let the facts kill them, like them piranha. But die they will. That is the MOST I can do.
your people are soon to be no more, and well, in the scheme of things, they do NOT matter to me, they are all just ... strangers.
You are different. Your choice. Am I the final say, OR is God, and can YOU separate US?

Thin... Fuse

I had no idea I had so much ... hope.. till this morning -and fuck it, it is NOT about a woman, so leave that out for once- when I woke up and decided to deal with an issue that was bugging me, and which has made me, after realising certain other things, intrinsic and unchanging, about myself, reconsider my ...ultimate stance.
i suppose I am... probably... going to depart the planet, after all, and leave certain people alive, after all.
because my friend did not despise me.It could go either way, because I discover that I have a very thin... unstable... fuse, and I hate so much being despised I am willing to wipe out the entire planet for a slight, real or perceived
I mean vinnie, here.It is a long story, so, I need a song here.
some got hopes and dreams we got ways and means
the supreme dream team always up with a scheme

Ghetto superstar!

So, I am like, I can not keep things to my chest so, after I had sent some pieces with brian to vinnie for C.O.D, and stipulated the price, and waited, brian came back with half the price, said that was what vinnie said he buys these things for, and I was upset the entire night, and then,I decided to call him this morning, and he was out, so I sent a message, which turned out to be 5 txt messages, and I was asking him why he looked down on me so, and why he was always shortchanging me over stuff, what the fuck was his problem. He called back, and I said my piece,the phone cut, and he called again, his airtime had run out, and he spoke, I spoke and then I got the drift.
he said, in effect, that he had treated me like a brother, that I was looking at things from one side only, forgetting what he had done for me, and I ... because I am happy when someone does not just fear me and shut my words away as nonsense, decided to ... look... into what he HAD done for me.
he gave me back my self respect, that is what.
he refused to send me away when people were on and on from simonstown and everywhere about how much of a liability I was going to become, and he was the only one among all them sods in kalk bay that was concerned about MY welfare.

I realise I have always wanted someone to care for .. ME... which is why I rate my two female cousins and my sister so highly, because I matter to them, not whether I am doing the acceptable or the unacceptable, but because MY life, my ...being... is a cause of concern to them.
Everyone else thinks I have problems that they can solve, and I am not a person to them, just something to use.
of course, I also happen to be completely unquestionable as to whether I will KILL people or not, because fuck it,I will kill people, and love it, but i was just thinking throughout yesterday also that I would be bored to death on this planet, nothing to relieve the monotony, no discoveries, no challenges, no... point.
which was when I grasped another thing, that my ... helper... was a permanent, irremovable entity, inextricably linked with me. WHY? Why if  the only thing that was making me want to die was the guilt over having to kill my mother? Didn't make complete sense, did it, because with her dead, I would also wipe out the entire earth, and so, would have no need for a 'voice' for instance, and would be alone and with no need for a guard.
unless it is a fact that I do NOT want to live, because I have so many expectations that I am afraid even God, for all His greatness, can not actually live up to!
Which sums it all up.
I am afraid that even God would turn up to be boring, or like one of those conjurer-like people who always turn up new tricks that do not go deep at all, but always leave a person dissatisfied but always looking for the next new trick. No depth to Him, I mean.
And I recall that even when I read that He is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we can think or ask... I was like, yeah, that would be the day, when One is actually as He is described? Fuck, not in this lifetime.
So, I figured that all this, and God's response, are not just in the way that I have kept them, about people, for example.
I mean, my mother, she is a misguided fool, like all women, and mothers, because if they just all came to their senses and realised how they do look and act stupid, life could be much simpler.
that is something that can be easily done. In my sleep, for instance. Which would hurt them, some, but would give me ultimate satisfaction, for a while, till I get past that, and ask myself, so, God THIS is all You, the One Who sees what is to be before even the beginning, had prepared for me. What comes after. I mean, all you want from me is someone to ... correct... people. Like, fuck that! What is the way forward?
I suppose paul depressed me.
those He foreknew, He predestined.
like fuck, even God has an event horizon, an ... end in sight! After which, it is like the thermodynamisists say, there will be an 'energy death' in the universe.
That is a boring take on tha Awesome One, the One in Whom Existence Exists, I mean, how can I be allowed to live if it is to constant boredom, constant frustration, no intellectual, physical, emotional and complete stimulation, like, I have to put my brain on neutral and just forget that I can... think ... and just endure life.
I remember my thrill when I read about the cosmos, which reminds me, I need a hubble picture or two

I remember, even in my growing despair about chirst and his being 'born again' and him being the way the truth, the life and the only means of access to God and we should all forget about  ... this life and focus on some other ... world where God is THERE and everyone is going hallelujah and bowing to Him, through christ, however that works out, with the holy spirit being there also, I was quite happy when I took an astrophysics booklet and saw some pictures like those and I was like, "coooooool" and when i read about the big bang hypothesis and all that mumbo jumbo about light travelling at the same speed even if someone is moving away from or towards the light source,  I was like, what do them fools know anyway. They are just human, and all are trying to pat each other on the back and kiss asses to be acknowledged as someone, like the asshole einstein.

 Then I tried to think further, and I was like, Oh,fuck, THIS must be the reason God came to me anyway, to ... educate ... people about what is wrong. I do not like people, especially if they do not ... like... me, and having to sound all knowledgeable and being asked questions pertaining to stuff that  I would not even like explaining to people to begin with, since I am very territorial, would really piss me off. So, I sank into despair. All I wanted was to enjoy this for myself, preferably with a woman who actually thought the world of me, and would want to go where I want to go, and just ... .

People. You think you see them as they really are, and all you get are smokescreens and mirrors, and no one, none at all is really solid.
everyone is shifty, adapting to the environment like a chameleon, always out to get something from someone else, never asking what tomorrow will be like, exploiting everyone and getting what they want, what keeps them 'ahead' in the game, never realising that they are like fish in a fast flowing river, swimming fast and  going against the tide, but ending up on one spot. till they get tired,or an even bigger, hungrier fish comes up,and gobbles them up.
Fools that never take stock of life, that never ask themselves what is really important in life. You pathetic fools love keeping up appearances, being like the jones next door, and yet none of you lives their lives.
you all look down on me, but I have lived my hopes, fought for what I believe in, never given in to ... expediency... and frankly, I wish I could say that i have found a single person to emulate, to admire, to say, this is an honest, true-to-him/herself person, and I have not. You are all a bunch of hypocrites, and are all pathetic.
NONE of you even deserves to be ... alive.
IF, and that is a BIG IF, I decide to leave any people alive, than know that they would be the people that I am least offended with,not just the whole of you. I am thinking that i will still wipe out the entire earth anyway, and then travel around.
in fact, I suppose that that is what I am going to do.
I will DEFINITELY kill my mother,but refrain from sending her to hell.
Rest of you can go there, for all I care.
I will try to spare people like vinnie so they do not go to hell, but I will bring to their faces the truth, and that truth will kill them, and they will become ... dust.
because NONE of you actually even ... deserves... to walk this planet.
And I am NOT father christmas to dispense gifts to anyone.
No, If I had found a single person worthy to live, I would have gladly just handed over everything to that one and said, this is yours, take it,and live as you please, and walked away, never to return. But you all are just a shitload of waste on the planet, and I will not spare what I despise. No. THIS is MY domain.
Forever!

People who lose no sleep over exploiting other people, who are not at all worried, for instance, that what they ... earn... is at someone else's expense, who try to use short cuts to get what they want, who try to climb through the window because they can not afford to knowck at the door. because they donot like being exposed, because this is, to them a 'dog-eat-dog; world,
fuck! the hilarious thing is you all could say, have I not, I myself, done something like that? well, NOT till after I started trying to get on God's bad side. And even then, I am not inany way guilty, because THAT was the way I discovered that I was the Lord of This EARTH, and that I was always ... right. That I am FREE to dispense judgement the way I want to, and no one can stop me from that.Anyway, I tried walking in a way that would not have me lose sleep at all after I started grappling with the issues of my unique-ness.
I am the boss, and whether you like it or not, everyone of you fools answers to ME, your lives will be disposed of by ME, and luckily I do NOT have a long list of people that I even want to remain these seven years. I can count them easily;.
my sisters, of course, my mother, father my two cousins and a few others, just for atmosphere.
because I tend to be ... merciful.

I come from a place where dog eat dog

People call themselves 'christian' and they are truly christlike, confused and as unfocused as he was, and they lie, cheat and rob, and they lift up their hands to God and say "Bless us". Well, you will truly be ... blessed. Iwill lower you all right down to the pit.
They all go by the adage, to me, if you are what you say you are, show us your works to prove that you are for real. Like who are you that I should prove myself to an insignificant little poophole like you? Like do I care for your opnion, or your approval? I do what suits me, what sits right with ME, and you approval or rejection means squat to me. I actually HATE being approved of, because if I do ANYTHING that any of you likes, I am actually becoming like all of you, a liar like all of you.
And I loathe that.
Everything about your ways and customs ... stinks, and I have nothing but the utmost repugnance for your dealings.
people dress up in expensive clothing and grind my face in the dust because they want me to not be angry when they go and some 'business associates' to the newly bought 'cottage' which they acquired , or their boss acquired, by swindling a dronkie and using his love for the fire-water to make him sell at less that the going price, and I am supposed to get with the program
Silly cunt, your world is coming down around you like youwould not believe, and that is going to happen right before your unbelieving eyes!
You want to take ME to task for NOT conforming to your hypocrisy?
YOU, you stupid bitch, have the gall to assume that I amwrong to not be amused by double dealing?
because it is all about money?
Hell, I will make you pay foryour insults.

Going to great lengths to bring me... down, you stupid, senseless hypocrite!
Like you have any grounds to do such a thing.
like the trappings of civilisation give you the ... right... to look down on me because I appear impoverished and thus can ONLY be interested in money, and so, must be coached properly.
Who the fuck do you think you are?
or I am?

Let me tell you this. To YOUR world, to YOU, I'm the WORST thing that could possibly ever happen, because we are headed on a collison course, and I do not back down,nor do I stop, nor avoid obstacles. I will break down every particle of resistance, because I have decided to shape this earth the way I want it to be, and well, I will relocate ALL riffraff, and cause GBH and all that if I so wish, just to make sure that everything that does not suit me is crushed.
Dont like it, GOOD!
I never liked being liked by silly senseless fools that do not remove blinkers from their eyes!
you are the greatest disappointment of my life.
A big disappointment.
I will be glad to deal with this disappointment
Permanently

I do not know how you assumed that I could love you as you are, how you actually worked it out in your pathetic little jumbled up mind that I was going to evr come your way. Is that something like the fabled 'female intuition' that makes you mix things so that they suddenly turn out as you...
fuck, I have tried getting into your mind and I do NOT get it.
I do NOT even 'see' your point of view.
And I have tried.
fool!
I will kill you, I suppose.
I and you, have to get used to that.
soon, too!

Glare like Mr T. Turned towards you!

Raw

just in case some silly fool is thinking that I am fluffing it again, that I can never get to do as I promise, let me just ... educate ... you all on the deal on the ground.
I  have done nothing so far, not because I am getting to the "I can never harm you" stage, again, but because, I feel... fine.
now, walk a bit with me in my shoes. I grew up with ONE thought, and that has been, from the word go, to KILL my mother, and that thought is of course, WRONG, morally. However, that is what I have been thinking, all along, and when God came, of course, the ... pressure... was rather too pronounced.
Even when I tried to be what was written in the bible, and conform, the burden was just a bit too heavy for me, and well, link that attitude of mine with the responses which I got from Him, His very introduction of Himself into my life, and you will get the drift that He was, always, saying that what I really THINK is fine by Him.
So, do not get your hopes up that some how I am having a crisis of conscience. That will never happen.
I was worried before, that He wanted me to endure this bullshit of a life, that I should somehow conform, and so, with that outlook, I allowed even people to walk all over me.
which brings up another very interesting point.
I made that... car... that I raved about, and vinnie said he would keep the money for me for my rent and start-up for when I had a place of my own. I let that ride. He was not even involved in my getting this place, but lee, because he felt some kind of compassion for me, decided to pay this month's rent and leave the place to me. A stitch in time, you might say. I reminded vinnie of the money owed to me; he pocketed R1,4G and I never even asked for it. When I sent brian, he was told that vinnie had been giving me hand-outs, like I was all day, every day there making pieces, selling stuff, and all that, for charity. Like I needed no wages. When I saw him, he decided to pay me R400. And he calls himself a 'pastor'.I will definitely KILL him. Soon, too!
Then, of course, maybe some fools saw that, and thought my disenchantment with life was because I was broke, and being used. No, I thought that if even God saw fit to just barge into my life and do as He wished, well, in comparison, people had a limited reach.
but now, I KNOW that God does not care about forcing me to conform.
no, so, I will wipe out the earth as I promised, but first, I want to see if I can PAY my own rent, and how zimbabwe performs in the championships. Then I will act.
So, do not fool yourselves that I am  on some repentance mission.
I will remain the only being on this planet if it comes to that, but I will NOT back down for anyone, anymore, male, female child, mother father, or whoever.
my stress levels have diminished greatly, now.
I am, of course, worried about the woman, it would be a ... nuisance... to be alone on the planet, but if it comes to that, I am prepared to kill even her if I have to, because NO ONE stands in my way.That is me, RAW!
I know that all of you have been harbouring some secret hopes that I could be changed, that what I said was bothering me was not what is really bothering me, and to some extent you were right. God has far outweighed each and everyone of you and my worries about Him have overshadowed all things. I was worried a lot about what He was up to, but now, I am no longer that concerned. I carried my life like a burden that was too heavy for me, wondering WHY He let me live when I was breaking every one of the commandments even He gave His people, personally, to abide by.
but then, He was giving those commandments to a people that He had borne and brought to Himself, only to have them reject Him, and He was sending them away from Himself, but His 'pride' would not let Him just chuck them away.
same with mwa.
I can not just KILL my mother. NO, I will bring the whole truth right down to her level and force her to look up and deal with it, but I am not so much keen on having her spend eternity in hell. NO. So, I will do as much as I can to make sure that what kills her is not my rage, but the 'knowledge' of the truth. So that she just reverts to dust and does not become eternal cinders.
That, I reserve for MY enemies.
hell, if you have pissed me off, then make sure that you drink lots of fluid in the coming few days, because where I am sending you, you will wish you had no memories at all of water, for the torment that you will be under.
And I mean it, too!
because NOTHING is going to stop me from unleashing all my unlimited power and uncaring rage on all of you insignificant little insects, whether great or small.
I am the LORD!
And every one of you is intruding on MY territory.
I stake MY claim on the earth, this is MY domain, and all of you are on the way... OUT!
Starting right about... now!

Don't like the way I am thinking, well, KILL me!
I dare ANYONE to show up in my path and try to move me.
I have been, for each one of my fears, receiving significant backup from God that at one time made me worry that God was trying to tear me away from the things and people I ... loved. But the truth is, I have been more worried about what God wanted from me than about any of the people that thought they would be the be all and end all of my life, like THEY matter.
think of the weather thing, and the fact that I have demonstrated  more than once an undeniable control over THAT, like recalling rain and all that, and I was still worrying over what the catch in all this was. Would God force me to be a 'teacher' to people so that, in the end, they could come back to Him, and do as He wanted from the word go?
because I knew that He could close all the doors to me and leave me with no option but to do so, but to act that way, and have no way out!
because all along I assumed that He would take me to task for not being with the right attitude as far as compliance with people's conventions was concerned.
Then he would start this weird stuff, like, "Government Thor:- Cape Flats", where thor is, of course, the firstborn son of the mythical odin, and thus the heir, and I would wonder if that meant that He meant that I would snap, because I never could control my temper, or whether I would try to be like Him, but then, I have since grasped that He meant that when I showed who the heir REALLY was, then I would leave no one with any grounds to be 'lofty"
Well,  guess what, the one that is without remorse is the BOSS of the earth, and I am NOT leaving this place. You all will die instead!
Before me there were many, but after me there will be no more!

well, funny thing is, I am at the library, and I can not 'listen' to music, but I will probably just watch the videos.
Another thing was that He acted all funny and, in the issue of ... women again... after the "September 18;- Independence Day" saga where I assumed that He was again trying to rule my life and show me that I was some possession of His, to add insult to injury, like He came into my life and did as He pleased, now He was taking me away from even having enjoyment, He went so far as to show that I was NOT under Him, by promising that I would, at a certain day, curse Him, publicly, and He would take it. Remember the Sunday October 21... or is it 20?... thing where I finally ... got ... it that He was not taking me away as I feared, but He was showing that I was going to do something that amazed even the people who thought He was there to restrain me, and I, for the first time, publicly cursed Him for leading me on,
I suppose I was all along just afraid, afraid of having Him ... run my life.
yet, all He wanted was just to let me be ... me.
No matter how... wrong that may seem to anyone else.
because, see, I am always right,
Cant argue with God, can you?