The... Future comes before the Present, for the Hopeless One

First, the song.

Then, comes the ... explanation, as I begin to grasp how God has operated in my life.

So, in 2004, I decided that, since  I was dying anyway, I would at least do so with some dignity; get my mother to at least acknowledge that I had a right as a human being to do as i pleased. Hence the issue with the girl, which did not work, because some people will never see what is just before their own eyes.
It was after we had broken up... AFTER... the God-promise of Isaiah 6: 1-13 that in the year king uzziah died some-one would 'see' the Lord of the Earth, the God of War, that, without ME asking, I think in 2006, God went the '2 Kings 6 ;20' route, and I was ... wondering... why the fuck He added 15 years to my life, WHY He said "I claim you for Myself" and made it impossible for me to be a... christian... to fit in, and why He was ... messing up my life.
Well, thing is, when I KNEW I was going to die, and that hiv-aids has NO cure, I had ... nothing to lose, so I could be as bold as i wished to, and do what made me most at peace, anyway, since I had nothing to gain, nothing I wanted anyway in life.
This never changed, even till now, even though I... tried... to make it so.
I want nothing from anyone, nothing that anyone has will ever ... satisfy me.
I am, have always been, and remain, someone who really does not have any hope in life. Someone who, along the way, missed out on the things that you all value, 'love', 'sympathy', delusions, et.c. I am basically a cold, logical person that is devoid of any emotion except anger, anger at my frustrated plans, anger that what is so plain is ignored, overlooked because people assume that what is said is hiding something else, and that one does not 'live by the word', but by some other things.
But, you see, when God wanted to let me know even THEN, way back when, that, being alive aside -because i can NOT get past the fact that God... cheated, with me- that what I really wanted was just to be left alone and not prodded and poked, He gave me the 'extra' fifteen years, and a rather megalomaniac way of getting myself ... HEARD;- 10 years of ...continuously troubling people, seven of which, I am suspecting, start about... NOW.
the 'ten million dollars' to build myself that ...otherworldly... palace.
So, in effect, God made a way for me BEFORE i knew I would NEED a way so that I could at least not give up as easily as i would have done otherwise, even with the "turkey" promise where someone -yeah, who could provide ME a place that I liked? No one, that is who, but whoever it is would have something IN that place that would have some attraction for me- had set up a place for me. Notice the link between 'turkey' and the ark-thing, since turkey was the place noah's ark landed, and in this case, instead of the ark-like thing landing ON noah's ark -boulder's beach- out came  a bat's wing, five fingers, and the ark flew over that, yes?
because of one person's assumption, which I saw ample evidence of even today, the silly woman, that I could actually ... LOVE... her, and thus could be used to spare the lives of people she tried to use to get me to bow down and be her child's surrogate father. Happily, those closest to you have shamed you, and because of that, two people that were with you, will join me, and these will be the reason why everything around you, and the people around you that you used and provoked me to anger with, will die, because, yes, i will have my revenge, and whatever hold you thought you had on me is gone. Prepare for hell, you, all yours and all your SO's.
Fuck am I talking about...

This is what happened this morning:- I was waiting by the container this morning when i happened to look at the road by the junction, and there was the CR-V, with the ka behind it. In front was some guy  and she was behind, in the ka, and her hair was down, like the dumpy chick wears hers. I read the statement quickly "forget the other chick, I can let MY hair down, and do not forget that there are people precious to me that you are threatening, so if you want anything to do with me, get off your high horse and look at me alone, and I will give you my leftovers, you pathetic freak!". I was, of course, not amused. And I thought of letting my thoughts public at the library, but as i walked, i decided, fuck this, no more running off. I will face this, and ask God why the fuck I am stuck here! So I turned back, and as i came to the junction again, I gave the building both fingers, just to show that we ARE at war.
And I was glad that I did not go, because, again, i got to see red breeches, who walked past me again, and this time, what she had to say was something i was better prepared to listen to. fine, she does not have so much of a figure, but she does have something that I get to value by ... contrast... the only way I can REALLY appreciate a woman.. like with the alert blonde at the beach after michelle's friend showed up, and I ended up exercising my 'right', like, first time, in anger, to CALL her to me. She came, read about it. Why should I lie to you? Why would I care? Every lie will be found out, anyway.
OR, with the unlooked-for intervention of the very polite-to-her-mother chick when the grating voice of the I-can-do-what-any-man-can-do woman with her bad military-style haircut got me really, really pissed off, and she calmed me down, and then turned away as I looked at her, but slowly, so that I would not be offended, and then interrupted HER business to leave me to be... composed.

OR when  I caught the chick from S/Town, after i looked at her as the Glencairn married woman started annoying me -and i would not walk away, but kept looking;- looking at me, and then away to give a chance to look at her, and then the following day, she had her hair down, was reading a book like i was, and definitely gave me the impression that the effort was for ME, that she was placing herself at MY disposal, which accounts for the look I got the last time I saw her, when she was staring at me, without the ... competition... like I was the best thing she had ever laid eyes on.

These women gave me back my pride, woman, something you would never understand, because you saw what you wanted to see, and thought you would have your way, like all these other fools. Now, though, you have lost. I am calling MINE to me, and with these I depart, but before that, you will experience the utter destruction of all those castles you built in the sky, and perish in them.i will save the jew. ONLY. From your crew. Because she DID do me a favour. And because, in a way, I ... owe... God, for every member of my family that I will save. Let God cull them as He pleases, I will touch none of them. Nor will I... touch... any of them. I do not like them, but unless one of them DID do me wrong, then I will leave them as is. 
Now, the day as it happened was not... finished... because the asshole tony showed up, and he-fuck, I KNOW the asshole reads my posts, and I am thinking that for saying vinnie is my 'boss', I would like to kill him, because he shows that he pays no attention to what happens right before him. I am wondering whether to just kill him anyway, with my bare hands, yeah-ss!- was very bold, because the one person whose life I have regard for was near, and he started speaking about how he wanted his place clean. I glared at him, and he said "dont look at me like that", and i started speaking, throwing in words like 'bullshit' and 'fuck', just to let him know that i was ready to grind HIS head in the dust. he must have selective hearing, because instead of 'do not talk shit!' like he normally does, he went on to actually try to ... explain -sidestepping the issue of why i was supposed to have stood up and walked away when i was the one minding the market, hello?- that he was boss. Asshole maybe never had toys to play with, or maybe someone needs to unplug his head from his ass to let out some air, he is so full of shit! anyway, i walked away, thought better of it, came back intent on killing him anyway, vinnie or not. And stood next to him, at which he seems to have remembered some prior appointment, because I saw nothing more of him. But I did see the loudmouth rasta whom the apple chick gave such a brilliant smile, dead!, the smart chick,her brother, her father, all dead!, the breastless blonde, who showed up with an elderly woman yesterday -this mother thing seems catching, dead!, the redhead with glasses who walks like a duck, dead! , goatface, dead!, and, of course, mike, dead!... obviously. Only, like the three step exploding heart technique in "Kill Bill", these people still have to take the three steps and then die...hmmm, do i have the clip available?

Well, I think, I can safely say, people, that... its time for people to... die. No apologies will be... accepted, NOOOOO!
BUT, still, my day was not done, because, these fools think I am so... shallow that everytime i think... food... i think the apple chick. hello, i have been eating food for 31 years and eight months, almost nine months now, and she has been bothering me for, like, what? and it is STRESS that makes me over-eat, because I do not have a handle on everything yet, missing gaps, like, "but what about THIS thing that has not happened yet? where does it fit in?"> Anyway, as soon as i gulped down a cupful of coke, mike townsend was pleased -he even gave vinnie the permission to have his, oh oh, tony will hear this and chase him away, now! but WTF, how long do you people have to live anyway- and he walked out, and it was then that i was really pissed off about being stuck in this rut.
took a while, words, when it comes to God, sometimes fail me. I do not trust myself to say what i really want to say because what I really want to say is, "God, let me die",a nd He will never listen to that, so, instead, I have to find some other way to say whatever else is bothering me, which to me is less of a bother than that I am alive, and so, the song was it

you tell me I'm free
but when will it be
for I can not see
oh, no
you tell me I'm free
but when will it be
for I dont agree yeah

took me away from my home
to a land where i dont belong
teach me no rights only wrongs
in a different school
but I know i must get over,
 gotta find me a way
i must break away,
 I must break away,
 everyday I pray

Four hundred years and more
we have been knocking at the door
 we trying to get out
we wanna get out
but you lock it tighter than before
sometimes when I remember 
the things we've been through
I wanna cry I wanna cry
I wanna hold my head up high

I hear my people crying
saying "freedom , freedom, freedom"
they wanna go home...

So, it got to me, and i literally broke up and wept, covered my face in my hands, and asked God why I was so locked up when I never ever wanted to even be in this situation, when all i want I know He will never let me have, and I am effectively a prisoner for all time.

I picture myself, actually, as a stillborn person, someone who was born... dead, with everything functional, but not alive. Nothing means much to me, and nothing is worth bothering about, and... I must remain alive, in this stasis, forever. While everyone else has the ability to ... change... evolve, be something different.
so, I felt sorry for myself, for this torment that God was inflicting on me, and that I had no opportunity to... cover up in secret... and it was but scant relief when God soothed me "Sahwira usaore moyo", meaning,  almost literally, "you who feel for me, do not get a sore heart", although 'ora' means to 'rot', so he was saying, let not you heart rot.
Unfortunately, I was not as subtle as i thought I was being, because someone noticed and abisha came to ask what was wrong, and i remembered that while others can rest, and wake refreshed, and forget their troubles, my inability to do anything else but face the grim things straight in the face means I have nothing to rest on, nothing to lean on; I must never become unaware of my surroundings, so, i composed myself, and noted that tony was right there beside me, laughing. Need i say... more?

 

Silly... Woman!

I find myself again ... stunned, because it took a ... while... for what happened a few moments, or maybe an hour and half ago, to... sink in. And yet, after all that, I have grasped that I actually DO have a particular person I could not do... without, although she IS indeed a silly... woman. NOW, to put things into perspective, I came from the fish hoek internet cafe, and sat at the telcom box, got to work, and literally ignored evryone. Because I was a bit in ... limbo. I was sitting with... no ... skin, among people, and, true to His nature, as always, God provided an.. outlet..., because I got to listen to music on eddie's phone (as to why I have no personal phone, I must say that I am sort of on the receiving end of life here, and prefer to have things happen TO me than for me to actively seek things out...and a phone would leave me in a rut, like having a personal copy of the bible, I tend to know what is on a page and ignore more... relevant things. So, no attachments for me;if something does happen, its easier to... blame God) and the song was one by Lukie D, with the easy to singalong lyrics that had me groaning to God as to why I was... stuck here:- "You tell me I'm free/ but how can it be/ coz I can not see it oh no/ You tell me I'm free but I don't agree/ for how can it be? ... Took me from my home/ to a land where I don't belong/ Taught me no'rights' only wrongs / In a different school..." . It goes on to say that I would liketo go... home, my own home. I was rather relieved that I could... SAY ... that to Him, since basically things happen TO me, and everyone just walks all over me, as they please. And I get no... say... to that.... What a life, right? So, I was glad to be... allowef to...think... that, at least. Because the gallery woman had parked her car right by the beginning of the alley, to.. pull me...to my senses, or something like that. Because when this kindly lady brought us food, she was ready for the now-you-are-thinking-about-the apple-chick-again...episode, but for once MY inner groaning was all I heard, and I tuned her, mike, butthead ii, et.c. out, as I called out to God" When will I at least have MY own place, and get relative peace, for a while?" Later, I went to vinnie's house, came back rather happier, or less distressed because eddie had, while being pissed off at my continual repetition of one song, in my cough wrecked voice, sung just a snatch of a song, "Nguva dzose Makatendeka" "You are faithful every time". So, I came, and eventually sat down by vinnie, ignoring the ka. And not caring who I would have to go through to start getting MY way, because, of course, those I said die, DIE, since I care nothing for these. Or, for that matter, for anyone much. Unless I have cause to. I told vinnie pretty much what was bothering me, and my graphic illustrations must have been monitored by camera, because I was dejectedly showing my friend the scars that showed that I had TRIED to die, and failed, and that He HAD promised me, before I ran away from my almost physical assault on my mother, a place prepared by the president of turkey. And that I was sooo tired that I NOW more thah anything, wanted to... leave. And just be gone. Then vinnie left to escort his wife to work, and tony drove up- the son of a bitch- and saw me sitting down by the ... money... tree, and told abisha to tell me to move off. Vinnie was not there, and while I was not going to... fight... the guy...the pushover has absolutely NO chance because I weighed him up long ago, and I would LOVE to systematically dismember him;- as I said, I take what I am... spared, and if he had been a bit less full of bullshit, I would have loved to tear him to pieces, but then, he is just... wind...bombast and no action. So, all I wanted was to ask hij, in as offensive a way as possible WHY the fuck I should move, but he hid in the bakery, sent some xhosa guy to see whether I was gone, then both walked out to the Blue Bottle, with xhosa guy passing on, while brave tony put his tail in his vagina, and then decided to make a beehive for his restaurant, closing the door behind him. And I was stunned THEN to see the... apple chick.. walk out, in her hideous black, with the dumpy chick on the other side of the road, and she had a... mug.. in her hand as she walked right past me, and then crossed the... road. Talk about panic response there? Woman assumed that when I said ... cup of coffee... I meant literal coffee, which, anyway, she did NOT bring to ME. This is no riddle... what is... sweet to me, the Lord of the EARTH, The God of War, the One you have belittled, and... bitter ... to you? Even a child could say that without thinking. And we ...well, I may ..deal...but NOT about the guys you pissed me off with. Or MY women. Glad to see your friend seems... interested, as well. My revenge WOULD be very sweet then, yeah-sss!!

Remember

Now, I just need to see if YouTube has what I want here, first!

Ok, now i am in business, and, well, as they say, a picture is worth a thousand words. And as I have no more to say, I will have you watch the abovce, and then ... think... a bit about the past evenst so that the truth speaks for itself, YEAH-ss.

kinda considerate that the trailer did not include the almost cuckolding of the main actor there, though, because that is what I was looking for. Shows just what little self esteem i have had , till today, or rather, a few minutes ago, when everything came together

Too late? nuh, red breeches walked in right on... TIME, yeah-sss! and solved everything for me.

thing is, I was, from my posts, as anyone can plainly ... see... fed up with tha apple chick, and yet I was holding on because of the ... 'fact'... that I was sure this is someone I have to 'love', yes? seeing as I am with one eye to the visions, and stuff. BUT, thing is, I just exploded yesterday, and carried on exploding, rejecting the pretenses and labelling people as they were, not as I though I had to ... hope... they were, and apparently, from what I ... SAW... of the visions, this woman got the message and came, tragic faced again, and walked past me, and while i was laughing it off at first, I only had to look across the street and see the Ka parked... and i knew that she was up there, and defying me. 

And it all came together.i am incapable of loving anyone. I can ... accept... love, if there is ... respect and proper acknowledgement of my... RIGHTS, and then I will accept the person. So, she, red breeches, was pretending before, but must have been cut to the bone by my statement, which is WHY God intervened, and stopped me, and pointed out what it was I SHOULD say and well, I saw the results, today. Of course, that means I get to wipe out the whole of the woman's family, and her associates and take the five I chose for myself, and depart.

NOW, listen to the song

Unless I am much mistaken, THAT is a woman, there, yeah? Not a guy singing, right? SOOO, well, fill in the blanks, yes? true to the way things are, this woman is one I had spit out, because of the fact that she was not... acceptable.Hmmmmm!
Has she become clean? Do I have to worry about some guy in the closet? And Ok, I can accept her inability to walk up to... me, seeing as I am most likely to... kill... anyone who tries, BUT, is she like the apple chick that she now starts to... hide... and behave as if I must come out to her? Or am I supposed to be a surrogate father to that boy of hers? Which reminds me,
I had a sort of a dream early the morning, because i have been worrying about something as far as my friend is concerned, in that lately i had been spending  some nights -whole- at his house, and he was just casually mentioning the other time how, after he spoke about the renewal of the lase agreement to his landlord, which he had been tardy about renewing, the guy had gone through his house, maybe... inspecting it? or maybe wondering where I slept, when I did sleep over (vinnie wants me so much to go to church, and I am plainly reluctant, vbut after my perfomance last night, I am going to find saying no rather difficult because I do KNOW my facts, even when I try to dance around jesus, and I can not keep my mouth shut, so he obviously finds some pretext to have me sleep over day before church), and well, it weighed on my mind, and this morning i had a picture of the landlord walking out of the train station with a little guy and a bottle of... wine... like his mother makes, and it was no stretch to link that with the other vision which went "michelle are you coming with us" and she said, looking at some thing to her right, "I can not look after the child on my own", and then looking MY way, starting, and saying, "I will bring you a cup of coffee".
Now, if THAT was not the apple chick, then does that mean that red breeches as well has a child with mike, because I KNOW that the apple chick is the only one who has so hounded me to get me to look at her alone, and she was the only one who had that beowulf dragon mentality.
And I do not like her. She has literally pissed me off to the extreme, and I would be glad to ... send her to hell, which, as things stand, could be as early as... THIS saturday, because NOW there is nothing to wait for. I am feeling tall again, not weighed down, and... I am... upright, again.
so, I get to kill them all, right?
And the gallery woman as well.
as a non sequitur, I was just thinking how the jamaicans will laugh at my interpretation of their... language, and well, since I ... basically, do not CARE... what happens to people, I am just, to set myself at ease, going to destroy every one of them, as well as certain as love their music and know all there is to know about it. I can nver stand being laughed at. EVER. I getes my blood up. Which is why I can not overlook certain things. Now, the mav is going to see what is up in the bay of chalk, YEAH-sss!
And i hate cigarettes.

God... once again

Right,I came from the library, went and sat at thestall and was busy with one thing or the other, and them fools started crawling out from every dungheap imaginable, with an undeniable scent of ... appeal... for their lives, to them. Earlier, I had seen the little ma walking her dogs as I came down the mountain, and later she was with her daughter, behind us as wewent swimming, and the daughter was exhibiting herself with that grating voice of hers as she talked at the pool. Kinda voice to awaken the warrior in me. I mean, fuck, my senses are sohighly attuned to the nuances of voices that any note in it strikes me unpleasantly if the voice is harsh, or the manner brash, and I tend to want to react by throttling the person. It brings back memories, and I can not FORGET, so how the fuck does one expect me to be at ease if, one time, she comes on me unawares, and speaks when I am lost in thought, and I lash out, because I do not even want to live anyway, but must, with what I am loaded with, in my head? And anyway, last time the smart chick, when I started focusing on THIS woman exclusively, made it a point to show me what I was "missing out on" by walking up and down with skme guys' arms around her. And I am supposed to overlook THAT bcause now she is desperate, wants to save her life, and also treats me like a gullible fool that will, like a bull sniff at any female in heat and start drooling and expose its pink ...thing.. like something has taken over its senses? What does this stupid duo take me for, really. They are DEAD. Period. As i sat down after my scathing post, out comes butthead ii, and the quiet mike-like character who had walked in front of me as we walked to the pool and later disappeared into some shop, and THIS time the guy was cracking jokes and very relieved looking. Yeah? Do not make me change my mind. I do not like you. I let you live because you knew to ...stay... out of my way. We are NOT friends, and so, do me a favour and STAY out of my way. As for butthead ii and, well, everyone else that came my way today hoping for leniency or whatever bullshit you think you would get from me; let me see:- 1) you KNEW how I hated seeing anyone with that girl, and you did it anyway. And thought I would ... agree... later that because some of you covered yourselves and showed there was "nothing" between you, I would overlook the sly, sneaky, superior over-the-shoulder looks you gave me because you were going " neh neh neh neh neh, I'm with the girl, and you'll never have her!" and, of course, I was supposed to be forgiving that you did THAT? Fuck you, you all i have seen with the girl, all you who have aided and abetted in her showing me up, are DEAD. NO exceptions. This is no longer about whether or not I will take into consideration that there was nothing between you all. This is about you KNOWING what pissed me off, and doing it anyway. Even if you did not, now you do, and THAT means you are dead.The girl?, well I take her attitude to me as something else.2) I am not interested in anyone's particular history, nor am I looking to be part of anyone's family. I can never please anyone, nor tolerate anyone whose motive is to look down on me and think me so... insignificant... that I need her to employ messengers to get me to see things her way. I am greater than anything you will ever see, so never make the mistake that, even if you did not know it then, you would be excused belittling me by assuming I was just like you. You pay the same penalty as those who knew. So, you die. Because I am GREAT. Yeah-sss. So, woman, your entire congregation... dies. Except for the short and dumpy one, whom I liked, for obvious, carnal, reasons...and also kenneth, though HIS motives are unclear. But I suppose that I could lay it on vinnie, and say for his sake, maybe. But it is NOT in me to... destroy... him, and I go with my gut here. He was, after all, never seen, by me, with her, and never, for that reason, was he actually rude to me, except at the beginning. Ok, then, that is thin ice. Lets put it down to humour, then. Or me having a full stomach at present, @10pm. Or me just not caring. Now, I need to... specify... what I mean by "congregation";everyone I saw you with, that you used to hide behind, or belittle me with. Which means I am NOT actually going to pay back the gallery woman for her interference, because her contempt of my ... prerogative... was rather respectful, and she DID learn that if I say get the fuck outta my way, I mean just THAT. so, there is hope for her, yet. However, that is not where God comes in. I saw red-breaches come and park near me, when i sat under tony's pizza oven, and walk all tragicaly past-same woman who just days ago was laughing uproariously with a fag in her hand as i walked past the joyous foursome. And I could not stand it, this charade, anymore. I was dead set on one thing, total annihilation of the entire crew. Every blasted one of them. So I went to the container, changed, and was soon on my way to the station. Got on the train, got lost in thought, hands in pockets, till I discovered that in my pocket were vinnie's keys. So, I came back. And knew God was obstructing me, again. Why the fuck? I went to bible study, where we opened on Psalm51 and, well, it was rather like me listening to words i would love to hear from someone, her telling me she had wronged me and me overlooking it because my dignity and face were restored in the face of the... audience, but, I have grown to know how silly the woman is, and i was ready to say to HIM He was wasting my time. Because she sees love as weakness and something to exploit, my words as nonsense, and worthless till she gets me where she wants me to be, and of, course who the fuck cares if your silly pride us trampled on? You are just a ...tramp... anyway. So, I pushed that away. Then we were rehashing exodus 17 verse 8 to its end, where joshua fought the amalekites. Because we had looked at that on Sunday. And what struck me was how hur and aaron figured that as soon as moses grew weary of lifting the rod, on his own, the tide of the battle turned. And in my case, I am... waiting... always for the silly woman to give me my ...due... and it is making me very...unhappy that my course of action whenever the woman belittles me is, like today, thwarted by God... once again, and she takes that as a sign that God is for her! Fuck, I am culling all the people she despised me over, and they will DIE. Even her child. And at the end if the day i will still MAKE her give in to me, even if I have to break her. Because my REAL nature is never we back down never we stall/ man stand firm like the Great China wall it is never over till I prevail. I mean, wtf can withstand ME?

No, No We Nuh Funny Man ...No

Ah, well, things are getting to a head, I think, here, and I find that, grim as my conclusions may seem, I am unable to punch in the 'reverse' mode. Meaning that, for most people, the 'worst case' scenario is what they are now facing. And I am not changing. I said it would take about three days to ... acknowledge. Well, I am now no longer hesitant. So, this is my final decision.
Ok, I will start with those people that do not need me thinking much about, people that I warned to stop pestering me, but thought I was like them, to be swayed by appearances. you know yourselves. I regard the attempts of this morning as highly... insulting. the sentence will  commence irrespective of your ... opinions.
then, it gets tricky
Because NOW, I find that my pride is pulling me one way, and my heart another, and while i pay no attention to people's opinions, yet I am unable to go the way someone may actually want me to go, to ease HER life.
i said last night that if she was coming after me because of child custody, then i would find out and make her pay. Apparently, I was right on the button. I can not be so insulted by the woman, regardless of how I was seemingly bent on humiliating myself to spite my mother. So, the child dies, and the only person i will leave alive of the child's lineage, if appearances are anything to go by, is the guy I said was 'no threat', whom i saw this morning and who acted all weird. I do not even want to begin to think of what is going on in his head, and so, i will let him get a free pass.
as for the woman, I have this to say, this to lay before her, and it is not an appeal, as such, just a statement of fact, and i do not know if she has any shame or any remorse, but if she carries this on, then i would find her extremely repulsive, and repugnant, and a person with no moral values is to me the worst kind of ...indescribably ugly bug.
you used people to cover for you, you would willingly sacrifice the safety and lives of others so that you do not have to show yourself, and you act all recklessly thinking that someone else will pick up the tab. I find that disgusting, that you expose the gallery woman, and i hope she is NOT your mother, because if she was than you are worse than i ever thought you, and the chartfield imp, and kenneth, and all those who stuck their noses out for you, while you go around with flowers and stuff, and come out when you think you will not have to get your fingers dirty.
now, I care nothing for these people, and, frankly, when it comes to you, i am getting to the pint where my eyes are opening more and more and i am seeing you for such a disgustingly repulsive cockroach i feel sick that i ever wanted you anywhere near me.
fine, I said that if you answered to me then i would know what to do with you, but at present, i think that i would be better off with someone else in my life, not you. You are sickening to me. because of you, your whole family is in jeopardy, and it does not even matter to you, because, of course, you know that everything will come out tops for you.
I will very happily strangle you, you ungrateful ... pig.
my own mother gave me hell, but i would rather have died than inconvenience her, and the only reason i am letting out my bitterness NOW is because i can not die, and i can not stay in the same place, so I have to get  a handle on my situation, and do something about easing my pain. But not you. you have people fight for you, while you sit in your ivory tower and polish your nails. I find you disgusting, simply too disgusting for words.
instead of you taking pains to avoid situations that irritate others, or me, since we are talking about that, you would rather let people die, you would rather sit back and do nothing, and that does not weigh on your conscience. I used, all these past days, to paint a better picture of you, but now, i am seeing you as this completely selfish and self-absorbed person that will use whoever and whatever just to have her way, like some modern day army general who thinks only statistics, not real-live casualties, because you seem to think that death will never come your way, that you are always going to be untouched by whatever happens. I have said you are disgusting, and i repeat it, you, woman, are disgusting, just too disgusting for words. if you had even a small brain, you would have taken heed from the first time I said something about you and the crowd you want to surround yourself with, but then, of course, you are not ... affected... right? You pathetic little fool. I pity the womb that bore you, the breast that gave you suck, the arms that lifted you up when you were small and could not do for yourself, because all their labour was for nothing. absolutely nothing> You, woman, disgust me.

Like a bug

Frankly, as you are, as you have demonstrated yourself to me as being;- the kind of person who will 'hou vas' or is it 'fas'?, that is someone who will hold on fast to something and refuse to even be ... responsible... for anything, someone who has absolutely NO compunction about who gets to bite the bullet for her, as long as she does not have to do anything- I can not have you withing even a foot of me. You would make everything in my life sour, and my life unbearable. You are so self centred , so selfish that i could never look at you and approve anything about you.
fuck, stay away from me. You and all yours will just have to die, because you would never... understand... what not going as one wants to, putting others' needs into consideration, is, and anyone who can not see THAT is of no use to me.
i am thinking that the other woman, who i met walking up the road as I came down the mountain yesterday, and who was later speaking to vinnie, who is much better... configured than you are, will do.
because as you are, you are certainly unacceptable.

certain things me nuh inna me nuh inna
me nuh inna me nuh inna
me know bout fir benz and me know about fir beemer
 No dirty hand cant cook me dinner

Coz we dont... play

I am tired of saying, "we nuh funny", so I will say it again, but different, because I seem to be struggling to get myself ... heard.
i am sure that to you, fools, your lives are very important, and you want to secure your futures and stuff, but when I FUCKING say STAY the motherfucking hell out of my motherfucking way, then, even if its your fucking mother who fucking disregards my fucking warning, I will ... make sure, I deal with that, yeah-ss.
Well, technically, if I already hated you, then no way are you going to escape, but if I am a bit... ambivalent... then you may still have a chance, provided you stay the fuck out of my business. And as far as I am concerned, there is but ONE.
Who STILL will not answer to... ME!
Ok, so, when I get down to it, really, I would never kill her child. But I would have if today she had persisted in seeking confrontation. Of course, the guys I saw her with, who she smiled at and stuff, and goaded me to jealousy with, when THEY -except for the DRC guard who I just do not like, and so who dies, not junior, but the other one who was so smug about it- KNEW that she is off limits, that is, after the imp's almost-confrontation, then THEY are dead. So goat-face, dont bother coming anywhere near me. I am getting the sense here that God is pushing things so that I do not have to personally kill any person, but that does not mean I would not seize an opportunity and just make some asshole spurt blood.
oh, and girl, I am SERIOUS about the five women thing. (And FYI, its MY choice who the women are, and I know of three at present, not sure about ms short and dumpy). THAT stands. You can take that anyway you like, and either try to ... pray to God... or ask your mother?... to show her silly face again, in which case i would be very pleased to kill you all, and as i promised, I would be glad to do you myself. because frankly, you HAVE pissed me off, and more I think of it, ms short and dumpy is more and more attractive by the moment. She has an ass, you do not. you were so busy showing off your legs that i know every contour of your body, and trust me, you are not really what would satisfy me. i like your ... interest, or former interest... and what I am puzzling out now is whether you, silly fool that you are, thought that i was, or am, potential mule in your custody fight with the asshole mike, who, regardless of what happens, goes FIRST to hell. I mean, the ONE person that makes my blood boil over totally is him, and I will not let him live a day more than I have to, to get to the bottom of this. So, if you were after a person to be surrogate father, then your actions will show sooner or later, and when your intent becomes clear, I will deal with you.
no,'deal' is the wrong word, because we do not negotiate. I will make you pay for that.

*****

Right, anyway, just for future reference - see, I used to write down stuff, that God did or said as and when it happened so that i could use it against Him in future, but when I left home, I ended up losing my specially designed diary and so, NOW, I write things up and leave them online so that I can keep track of them. Since I am not NOW going to destroy your technology, I suppose i will still be able to access the net when I get to the US- which I suppose all of you think can not be done, by me, yes? of course not. I mean, i would have to pilot a plane, which I have no experience of, and I am thinking the bigger the better, locally of course, and then land in a country that has absolutely NO living soul in it, and then get the know-how to link up myself again with the rest of the world, set up a ... permanent boundary... from the rest of the world, the obvious way, of course, singe any intruders, and change the weather so that it is milder up there than down here, but not cold, I seem to be so easily affected in the throat by the cold, and that, embarrassingly enough, is not due to my love for sweet things only... but, then, of course, you all say that can not be done, right?
of course, when you see a child see someone walking and he/she/it also starts to walk, you say 'good' because the child has started to become like others, but you forget that the child never knew how to walk to begin with, but had to learn the ropes, see?
well, in my life, if something CAN be done, then I will NOT do it. But the difficult and incerdible I will do immediately; the impossible, a day later.
fuck, you have no idea just how bored i am at present, and if someone was able to fly, then take it that I can fly without having to be taught by someone. You have all the controls there, all I need to do is figure them out, and use them. And ignore traffic laws. Anyway, you all will be so busy weeping and grieving for the 99% coloureds, xhosas, zulus, suthus who will just all of a sudden be dead, old young, and, of course, the key officials in various government ... posts... that i will strategically remove, irrespective of race, oh yes, and every military man, not because i am scared but because i ... do not care. But of course you do not believe that, right?  TRY me. Of course, the white people will have to be ... selectively... removed. Those that I promised death, will die. but I will ignore the rest. Makes me wonder, though, what hell is like. I think those who ignore me have to be sent to hotter parts and stuff. Like deep under. Hmmm, I MUST get to the bottom of this.

YEAH-ss
Now, of course, I am after the impossible, which is effectively getting off the planet, and getting lost. Nobody has been able to do that for extended periods, or attain the speed of light, and I also want to do THIS thing, which is, to make sure NO ONE follows, which means more than trying to keep things a secret, since I am unable to do that, keep a secret that is, but to make sure that ... people... are so altered that they could NOT leave even if they thought of it. Make them NOT want to leave. By showing them... their intrinsic nature. THAT is easy. After all, its just words. And i am good at puzzling things out and presenting them as they are. And well, you are about to find out just HOW good i am at it. But then, when you do, you will understand why I am different. And those that close their eyes to the truth will die. Fuck, NO ONE will have room to close their ears.
everyone will know the truth, and frankly I am no fan of jews, and so I find it rather insulting that one of them would want to draw close to me, because i said that, for God's sake I will not destroy them. Do not mistake my concessions to God for a change of heart. I hate jews, I hate the little ma, her daughter, her son, and her husband,and WILL destroy these and send them to hell, but will spare the jews because of God. Not bbecause I want any of them near me. Fuck, I will go even further. I will totally wipe out, say, mike's entire bloodline, and relations, but funny enough, I suppose i will spare the other quiet guy with this twin cab, because he has never been a... threat. And never 'assumed' stuff with me. The rest die. THAT is not something that anyone will ever change. I just hate the whole family. And even thinking of them makes me want to crush them all, like empty tin cans.

In the movie, wreck-it ralph, the first part only of which I watched, there is the slogan, which you may hear in the clip, where the bad guys go
Lets close with the

Bad Guy affirmation
I am bad
and thats good
I will never be good
And thats not bad
There's no one I would rather be
than me

Right, anyway, THIS is what happened when I got back from the library this morning. I found the Ka still parked where it had been, and I also saw the gallery woman parked conspicuously at her gallery entrance, and I KNEW what was going on in their minds. Silly fools were thinking that if the woman ignored me then after a time i would start getting the perfume of the woman's charm get into my memory stems and I would start longing for her. i have done nothing but soak up these fools' thought processes, pressed all the wrong buttons to see just how they would react, and found out where they are, mentally. So, I decided that today we would end this charade, because, frankly, I was interested in the destruction of the whole lot. When I checked, after ignoring the woman's car, I found she was gone. NOW, frankly THAT was something I did not think would happen, and I was, am still, so surprised that i do not know what to make of it. I am suspicious of the woman,of  course, because of the way she has despised me, and that, at present makes me so very intolerant of her, because I have given her more than an allowed portion of ... tolerance... .
It was after she had left that i felt the ... impact... of her involvement in my life, and I was, as expected, rather ... hungry. So, I went looking for food, but actually, it was after seeing the other guy walking with the dumpy chick. The guy that I said I would not kill. Just now. Is there something that anyone sees, like I do, that is ... awry... in my conclusion? But then, the dumpy chick is not, actually... mine... and I do not feel possessive over her, for now, because, of course, she could just be playing games with me, yes? so, she is still to be puzzled out, yes? YEAH-ss.

Funny thing, though, was that as soon as they walked past, going up to the harbour? I saw this woman with her top off, and just a bra, and I was asking myself just how long I am going to keep this charade going while I went and slept playing golf, when all I wanted from women was easy sex, and fuck everything else, of course, provided i was just the ONLY one, and, of course, it is unavoidable that every guy who was ever familiar with the woman, in THAT way, would be dead, before I did that, because I am not the kind of guy who will turn his back on people who could laugh at me. Behind my back.

so, I went looking for food, and found, as i walked past la parada, a whole lot of hostile looks, the shaded, hooded kind that show people who would be glad to stab you in the back but have no guts to confront you. Well, I do not have to keep tabs. they are, of course, dead. I mean, who gives a fuck. As I walked back, though, I found the same guy walking back, on the other side of the road. I ignored him. But then, the woman I TOLD to stay out of my way because i was not interested in her, but would forgive her for my friend's sake, decided she would march up to me. I must seem to have an indiscriminating dick. I am not , as yet, sure, what to do, there, because i am still puzzling this other woman out. And it was because of the way she helped my friend's family that I decided to NOT take over the whole american continent, just the US, but she is trying my patience, here. Which reminds me. There is this guy who was at pains to tell me about why I, while I was breaking my back carrying his books, should leave his son alive in the UK. Hmmm, well, let me put it this way. Everyone else, unless it is, of course that english chick with her obnoxious behaviour from cornall,  gets to live, but your son will die, as will you. Get with THAT, asshole!

Now, where was I?

yes, I need some elephant here

For One, this is elephant man. Unfortunately, there is no song by elephant man on You-tube, but I assume that he is on this mix.
I do not just let something go. I must either have ... satisfaction or revenge.

So me go so ONE, remember this is elephant man... !!!
Two, fire burn the funny boy crew.
Three , them cant par with we
Put up your hands if your conscience free ...!
Now, when they saw me eating, the fools thought it was open season. I saw, among others,  butthead ii, and goat-face, who were not afraid to actually walk past me, and i filed that for leisurely... perusal. At a future time.
Then it all went dark. because the idiot whom i have grown to hate like nothing else on earth walked out, maybe going to his harbour house type shop or whatever.
All very happy and smiling like he is on TV. I mean, it makes a bad guy feel very ineffectual if he can not make people feel... bad. I mean, I have to actually THINK about it to deduce that he is scared of me. And i hate that. I should see it, and I do not.
Maybe the fools have active cameras, trained on me, because no sooner had I become very unhappy than the gallery woman decided to show up, and I could not believe my senses. She walked into the olympia bakery, and she walked out quickly, and then I saw her drive away, pointedly, I think, showing me she was ... washing her hands of the whole business? Well, as i said, I will think on these things, AFTER I have figured out this funny woman.And oh, I found the song. It is called "one", aptly

FUCK, I CAN GET THE RIGHT ONE TO SHOW FROM YOUtube, BUT ANYWAY, YOU GET THE DRIFT, YES?

I am starting to ... wonder... at my ...patience

There is a scene in Terry Brooks fantasy tale, "Sword of Shannara" where the druid, allanon, is sitting in council and deciding who is going to go on the quest to obtain the fabled sword with the last heir of shannara, when the heir's friend decides to ... provoke... the druid and end his statement with ".. I do not have to answer to you". the druid's eyes are said to have opened wide, and he stared at the prince of leah and it was his friend, the heir, one shea ohmsford, who jumped in to stop a potential catastrophe, which is exactly how the prince had wanted it.
BUT
in this case, there is NO intercession, no one to play the go-between. As the song goes -I will have to highlight the part I want to stress here

fully equipped you know we come with all supplies
gotta big gun and I will show you the flies
if you mess with any of my flip mode family ties

I, as I said, am effectively fully empowered, which means gone are the days when I used to listen to anyone's pleas. I am not fully there yet, but I see it  in every little thing just how fully loaded I am becoming, and it is not ven a labour, a chore, or something I have to try to dig deep to find, this control thing.
The POINT?

Well, I did say this, that I was waiting for this woman to come out in the open about herself, and I did say that I was already decided that her child dies, and every single person I saw her with- except the short andd dumpy girl- and that I was still just beginning, that I would wipe out her entire family till she gets the drift and comes out in the open, and faces me to answer to ME, about herself. but, of course, she is too high up for that, right? I was very ...unamused... to hear that she chose, when I had left, to come and show herself to vinnie, by parking her car, a KA, where he could see it, and getting out, and then going to the place i told her that, if she values her life, or to put it better, MY pride, at all, she should leave it, permanently. And today, she waited till I went swimming with vinnie, before coming and parking same car where I could see it, and then presumably disappearing into the same building, like my words are mere nonsense. Well, for THAT, every one in your family is dead. YOU are next, and this time, I will get you to choose, whether I kill you myself since I am getting the message here that there MUST be something between you and this mike, some... ongoing thing... or maybe, just maybe, you are still under the delusion that there is someone who will actually deliver you from my hand.
I was, I think, very specific, and you, well, you are being really... trying. I do not negotiate, and as far as I am concerned, I am still wondering why I am still even discussing this. you should be dead, already, but... .
oh, and if you think there is a God out there Who will save you, then NOTHING I said actually got through to you. You answer to ME, or, if you choose not to, I will MAKE you. If I do make you, then know that what I touch, what I force, I break. And no one mends it.

reminds me of this "By saturday everyone will know me" vision, where this guy who looked like the undertaker but had a fake/ falling off nose uttered those words -funny  that allanon and the undertaker are the same height, seven feet, seven, is that not a funny number, like seven... years... of unlimited dominion- and he goes back and climbs back into the ring where this person is raising his hands in victory, or maybe like he is saying "God, see what this person is doing, not even going the way he should', because supplication to God IS with upraised hands, like maybe the person is asking God to restore the idiot to his senses.
 So that he can obey God and do as God would want him to do.

I obey NO ONE. I choose what kind of world I want. I may tend to ... listen... to God for my own sake, but ONLY when it is unclear whether my pride is being trampled on or not. But, then, even those days are drawing to a close. I appeal to Him no more. I do as I please, and I kill who I please, when I please, and HOW I please. NO one stands in my way anbd remains standing. So, forget what you thought would be your escape clause, I am HERE. The Lord of The Earth, and heck, I have pressed teh button for war.

Good thing, though,is this, If I have to kill the woman, I get to also kill this mike character. I have takjen a distinct dislike to him, so much so that just sending him to hell is not punishment enough. Fuck, whether she comes to me or not, I will KILL him anyway. With my bare hands. YEAH-SSS

Over the woman, though, I am still not so sure. And I wonder at that. Which probably explains why I am pushing her. Of course, what I said about those around her goes, and there is no one who can change that. I am curious about how she will respond to that, though. She may want to show me just how much of an idiot she thinks me by her actions, after all, nothing deterred her from the flowers, the foursome, thing, and she always had to have somebody with her to lean against. I am removing all those from her. Which way will she jump though? I wonder. Other thing is, I have decided that, even without her, I will have fun with five women that ... fear me. fear is essential. fear and desire. No funny business then, because whoever mistakes my looking at her for stupidity, and infatuation is in for a rude awakening. Very hot, rude awakening. I think I already know who the fifth woman may be, but I need to see about THIS first. eenie meenie miney more, which side will the woman go. Is she genuine or just a whore? I need to find out more. then I decide when I'm sure.

Held ... Up. time to make them pay, Yeah-sss

this is what I, prince mutasa, because of my inflated ego, have decided:- as of this moment, everyone, male or female, who has been associated with the gallery, its occupants or this issue of this woman, is a dead person walking.
For a very, very, short time, though.Now, I have NO compulsion to bend to meet these fools' expectations, and as far as I am concerned, I TOLD them MY terms, and they laughed at them. Silly gallery woman actually thought I could be swayed, and came, parked her car in my face, thinking I would go all goo-ey, and I had to mentally run through what I said... wrote... yesterday, and I was rather... specific, right?
Stay the fuck out of my way, I have no ... interest... in any of you, I am worrying about whether i am being made a fool of, here, and she ignored that. And I looked at her car, and I wanted THEN to leave, pronounce judgement, but apparently she was watching, came rather shamefacedly and removed her car, and I was less offended. I am... thinking ... that it was not even about ME. But that red-breeches woman came, with an older woman, maybe HER mother, intent, again, on proving ME wrong in my conclusions -I am beginning to think merely TELLING the woman to go to hell is not enough, I have to SEND her to hell, in pieces- and when i went to buy some... bread... at the supermarket, she seized her chance to come out again, and had that woman in tow. (Conclusion, she was telling me that I am actually madly in love with HER, without MY knowing it, that is just how stupid I am, and that I should forget this other woman;- who, frankly, i gave up on long ago, I never believed she could be mine, and as far as I am concerned, she is irreplaceable, which means i am INSULTED that any woman could actually think she would do for me. Any such woman is, of course. already dead, even if she may not be aware of it. Like that blonde who was making her noisy self quite obnoxiously felt in my vicinity. Or the smart chick. or her friend. I will ... excuse... the lapse in judgement of that rich, hoarse raspy old woman with her... restaurant?... for the sake of my friend, but only THIS time. I do not take kindly to being rated as a kid, and I think it is time I showed just how deeply I can claw, yeah-sss.)A few seconds later, this gallery woman was in my face, intent on showing me where I should turn my stupid face. because, of course, i am so, so incapable of thinking straight I need HER to help me get things the right way. Like when the girl showed up with flowers, and talked to that guy, and SHE ran interference, meaning she was telling me, 'No need to get mad, you brought this on yourself, now if you just do not over-react you will see what exactly you ought to have done to make her happy, like flowers and stuff'. So, of course, I, basically just a mere gasp away from becoming fully self-empowered, MUST pay attention to the ravings of a person whose life i can blow away like, a feather? And am dead set on blowing away, too? Fuck, I want to SEE just who the fuck you all think you ARE to stand in my way? or pay lip service to me. Or treat me like i am sooo, sooo stupid that I can not even think on my own unless you do it for me.First thing, though, and I am again intent on the woman i was focusing on:- you have, again, made a fool of me. your child is dead. That i have decided is the ... least... thing I can do to make you aware of how mad I am, at you.
And i am being rather... quirky, here. It pleases me that your workmate, the short and dumpy one, showed so much of herself today. I will take her, I think, just to turn some of my anger away, and if by some chance you get to be near me for some reason, I want you to KNOW forever that you do NOT play games with the one who holds all the aces. I do not intend to kill you, yet. I intend to make you hurt so much you WILL bow down and come out in the open, yeah-ss. first, your child, whom I have never seen and never intend to. Then, those I HAVE seen you with. All the males and females. If that does not make you start to see the light, then I will zone in on your family, and start ripping them to shreds, painfully. Of course, every male you slept with, or who held you in his arms, is dead, and IF you are involved with someone NOW, then I, as I promised, will find that out, and I will KILL you myself, and trust me, way I am feeling, I will make it last a long, long, time> Take me a month or so, of making you scream as you have made me hurt
inside, you pathetic little bitch!

Course ...

and are no go make cue and we no do no stand up
 you are go hear me gangster put your hands up
we nuh funny man no no
we nuh funny no no

co when we say we nuh funny that no mean we no have fun.
we love the girls
we no know of someone live and have none.

co when we born we been gallis ever since
 we nuh jazzy jeff and we nuh fresh prince.

Right, now that that is off my chest, I want you to get one thing right, all you fools out there. The ONLY thing I understand, is justice, payback, revenge. I do not have a sense of humour on whatever is done to me, and I never let a slight go unrevenged. I have been complimented on having a quick sense of humour, but anyone knows that humour always hides a sense of deep isolation. I was ready to kill off all jews because i was grasping that God was NOT putting ANY limits on me, that in a short time, when I am pissed off enough, and stopped feeling sorry for people, I will be fully myself, someone who exists for ONE thing,  and that is payback. Full, lethal, pressed together, shaken and running over. And everyone, from the holy spirit down, to my parents, to all of you little insects that thought my vacillation hid something you could exploit, well, NOW I tell you MY time is at hand. But also, because God does have a soft spot, I will take into consideration how He bore with me, and gave me life when I should have been dead, and asked nothing in  return, which means He asked for a lot. And i will do THAT. To the full. Which is why the jews will get to live and I will not carve away peoples unless they did something to either piss me off, or to piss me off. I am the judge. I am the 
 α and the ω the first an last word... on ANYTHING, from the time I assume full command, till my seven years are up. Get used to that 
I have been wondering to myself just what kind of woman I would want for myself, since I am not going on any sabbatical,or sex denial here, and am definitely NOT going to gather many of them to myself, and since ONE is definitely too vexing, I have set my mind on a small number, yeah-ss. Five, would be good, I think,especially as that girl on the S/town-Cape town train who still, after so many months, looked at me like ... THAT. She was an easy choice, because she went, plainly, "is it me you want?' I liked that. And the other reason was an obnoxious married chick who was getting a kick out of me looking her over. then the blonde with that nice ass when ms I-know-it-all who cooled me down. And then the woman with the sad, bleak stare who knew when to stay out of my way, after michelle's friend showed me how low she thought I was.

OK, lets do... specifics.
HOW the fuck do I intend to do all these things, and not get caught, nor interrupted? You must all think I am suicidal, right?
of course, I am. But then, that does not come into the play here. What DOES matter is that I am reaching out, and I am technically completely in control already, but my ... brain... is telling me different, as of now.
thing is, first time God spoke to me, it took me three days to pt it into practice, and even then, 'try the falco effect' sounded like 'try the zelcro effect', because of course, God only speaks to special ones, not me, see? and there is some kind of big bang or something. Last night, I prayed to God, to stop the runaround, and to finally make me be 'myself'. I am actually surprised that i am being so... judgemental, here, because of course, only a fool would dare make someone he 'loves' cross, but then, I never said i was in her league. I am better, way better, and so, MY ways are not her ways, so she bows down to them or she dies, or rather, she suffers more. One thing i understand from people is ... submission. Step into my path, and regardless of who you are, you pay. those guys that later covered themselves by showing they had wives? too late for me. I was already cross, and there is NO taking that back. My anger is already aroused, so you MUST pay, because i never wash anything under the rugs. even if the woman submits to me, I will still make the other... participants pay. and i only know one way. because i am NOT interested in currying favour here. It is way past that time. Now, MY time, is all about addressing wrongs, and no one is above my law, and no one is my equal. if she can not bend, she will be broken, and that means, finally, i may have some other woman, from my short list, who will take her place. because NO ONE is above MY law. the other thing is, when you get right down to it, my ... interest... in people is superficial. cut beneath the surface and there is is rage. so, of anyone draws MY attention to herself, it is never a good thing unless she is prepared to humble herself, because what does not bend gets broken. Since i recognise no law but my own. if God had to be ... subtle... to get me to keep from unleashing my anger on all of you, then what does a silly fool whom is so wrapped up in her own importance mean to me when i can so easily tire of her?
I told you many times not to test me. frankly, I would welcome having you and you alone in my life if it came to that, but you chose, choose, all the time to make me angry by your games, and so, if you want to take THAT route, then stand and see me rip your world apart, and make you grieve like you never thought possible, yesssss!

This is getting very.. frustrating

I hate frustration. Now, this is thedeal,Ok? I HAVE A LIST OF PEOPLE that are officially DEAD as of before my last post, follow? Only difference NOW... NOTHING. SO, maybe I may have stated that I am the last word on things, ... BUT... fuck, I have NOT changed, nor become friendly to people, or all of a sudden become a guy who likes the people I had condemned to death for their acts to me. They are dead, and I may STILL be waiting here because i am not sure about this chick... do me a favour, people, next time you are busy keeping an eye on all MY actions, do READ what I said pisses me off, like, for example, keeping me waiting while you... I am talking to a specific person here... watch ME to see if I ...change. And i am waiting for clarity, OK. OTHER THING that pisses me off is that a woman I get jealous over because I SEE her with some guy, and who does not make her position to ME clear, drives past, on the passenger side of the CR-V and some tall dude is driving her, who, like all the guys she showed up with, is DEAD even if he is her brother. I am frustrated because this, which by rights should be about TWO people is involving.. tons of them. All of whom are, for THAT treading a very, very, thin line. So, either I get to have the clarity I have been SCREAMING about for so long, or I get to ... snap. Because I feel like an idiot here. Is this woman involved with some guy and and is she like some of these women who thought I could be some indiscriminating, stupid idiot who will take anyone regardless of whose dick was just ij her, and is this some concerted effort by these ... white people... to keep their superiority while I am kept stubbing my toes in anger? Because if that is the case anyone who has put her nose in MY business is... DEAD. ALL OF THEM. ESPECIALLY IF THERE IS A SINGIFICANT OTHER. I WILL KILL THE WOMAN PERSONALLY, IN THAT CASE. So, the honus is on you. If I have to figure it out, then people pay. Maybe, THIS may be a good time to READ my every word? Or am I making no sense here? Because I am making sense to MYSELF. And, technically, that, THAT is what matters.

Permanent... Lockjaw, like...war

Just to make sense of all this and bring everyone up to speed so that this does not seem like a sudden decision, I, after spending time thinking, took out a bible last sunday/ saturday night, and read through scripture, namely jeremiah,where I grasped that, for all His anger at Israel because of their rejecting Him, God's words to jeremiah about His ... peculiar... people was a story of... unrequited love. Of course, last week, I had no idea about my own limits-which, uh, are ONLY self imposed- and the fact that I have an independent source ofpowerwhich God Himself set up. And, of course, then, I was suspicious of God's motives. I had to work that one out during the course of this past week. So, one can suppose I am now convinced He is not manipulating me,and today, I ... listened... to His silent plea, about His creation. There, was the human element, of course, a gathering of people, at vinnie's pastor's house for a combination of men's fellowship and women's fellowship, and being in a convivial setting with some people whose actions have led me to ... accept THEM... made me loosen up even to God. And I retracted on my intent to wipe out all peoples. I will leave the earth intact, yeah-ss. For the most part. But not the USA. No. I was snubbed by its ... leader... and my peaceful intent mocked. So, I will TAKE what was denied me. By MY power. Not God's, not consesus. MINE. The other thing is... of course I am making a statement HERE... before I leave. I, tungamirai mashora, formerly, that is; now prince mutasa(difference is the same) will pay back the south africans for the suffering of MY people, the zimbabweans, and from one end of this country to another, there shall remain such a pathetic handful of 'native' south africans that even if they bred like rabbits from now on, they would be outnumbered by a hundred to one. And I will leave none alive that has personally angered ME, and dared pricked MY ego. Nooo! I HAVE DECIDED. IT STANDS UNALTERED. Of course, the only undecided thing is my going. Alone or...? But go I WILL.