Pent up... For REVENGE

The worst insult anyone could deliver to me is... 'how proud your mom/dad must be of you!', especially as I have made up my mind NEVER to do anything that would please them, or cause them, by any advance I make... to be comfortable.

When my father, dispensing his version of advice to his only son, said to me that when I do good HIS name would be remembered, and when I do bad I spoiled his name, I realised that to him, I was not a person, but something that had to eternally do penance because he chose to unload his sperm on my mother and had me as a result.

So, of course, I will always screw them both, and if they think that because I have decided to go... public I will worry about their standing in society and tone down a little, well, they better harden their faces, because, frankly, just as they both never - when it was in their power to acknowledge me as a person - did so, I am waiting NOW for them to make the slightest peep even remotely resembling... confrontation, and I WILL kill them, with my bare hands, and to hell with everything about wanting them to not go to hell... because we ARE enemies, have been and will always be, so I have no soft side for them.

they want to contest my ways, please, bring it here, because I will pay it back, with interest.

But then, THEY are not the only ones that have me gnashing my teeth, and boiling for revenge.

I was somewhat disconcerted when I found that  because nothing was forbidden me, I could go pretty much where I pleased; it meant that Sam, my, 'friend' had no safe haven from me. I wanted that to change, so I decided to re-instate the 'I-will-make-you-mad-first' clause I had told him about: Taking the Jordanian girl and the two German girls... and actually bringing the Jordanian girl to him one time, and probably showing off to his face, baiting him, because I want the fool to get to the point where his anger overcomes his fear, and THEN I will nail him, good and proper.


Then there is the stupid holy spirit, who all this time walks around thinking he has a 'say' in what happens in my life:-well, I am making him aware that I exercise my... prerogative to... order... such as I choose to come to me, when I choose, like the German chick Diane Kruger, who acted as 'Hellen' in "TROY", AND so is the cause for 'the greatest war fought for love'... because my beef with the stupid, illiterate, mendicant, upstart, invidious, recidivist, dirty, mongrel is that he DARED tell ME how to live my life, and usurped a position that is neither his to have nor ANYONE's to have by assuming that I NEEDED a guide, or helping hand.

Oh, God, how I wish that, at the end of it all I could kill him myself, and go into one-one-one combat with him and tear him to pieces! You are unlimited, and this is the ONE thing I fervently BEG of YOU, PLEASE, PLEASE let there be found a way to reduce him to the same space-and-time frame like me, and I can then deal with him, and extinguish the arrogance that he has used as a cloak to make himself ... unaccountable to anyone. OK, so I may NOT kill him, but I could send him to hell.
There must be a way. I want that. And Christ too. And all the angels and demons as a bonus, but the holy spirit FIRST, because its PERSONAL, and I want to make him pay, dearly, continuously, unendingly, for daring to tread me underfoot!

 There remains, as an addendum or attachment to the said fool;- the holy spirit, this other fool who, surprisingly, is the one woman to have irritated me beyond measure;-michelle, and well, she also enters the 'I-want-to-make-you-suffer-first' category, because I will be baiting her till she dies [I will deal with butt-head later, but for now, I want the little bith to suffer, as I show her that 'ANYBODY but her' will suit me fine] and the first thing I want to do is forget my rule that I would have nothing to do with mother-and-daughter combo's.

Now, listen carefully: I will NOT look after another man's child, nor will I be a surrogate father, but what I will DO is take mother and daughter for MYSELF, and ignore the mother-daughter bond,  especially as soon as the child is old enough to be... taken. In the meantime, I may as well... groom the child... in the way she should go, so that when she is ripe I would be less disappointed than I am with the current crop of women, and at least be assured of having for myself... a virgin, in whose sight I am not only first, but ONLY... ever.

What made me think thusly has been this chick I have been seeing since Monday... well, truthfully, I have seen her in Fish-Hoek a lot since I use the route past her workplace to go to the library, but then, on Monday, as I was walking back to Sunny-Cove station, she appeared in front of me, and she was wearing this tight pair of tights that left me with no need to imagine what her anatomy is like, at all.

the first thing I saw was her ass, and I thought, mmm, small, I can put my hand on this and totally encompass it, but hey look at  that ... gap... between her thighs, just beneath her ass, and the way the two cheeks wiggle as she moves; mmm, I like! 
She is slender, small, and she has been showing up at the same time that I have been moving around, except... Tuesday... when I said something about NOT wanting anything to do with women and kids.
I did not see her them, which made me sit up, and listen to what I was being told about my... rigidity... concerning issues I do not care that much about.
because, you see, she has a daughter, whom I think is old enough to dress and undress herself now, and I would see both at the "His and Hers" shop, maybe because the daughter likes the place or something,because I am sure the mother works at the Tears shop, and she is a pretty little thing, with dark hair and an... as i said... interesting physique.

So, just to entertain myself with needling a few people, I will take these five and add them to my 15, and have 20, so that I can have variety. I am NOT counting kids as yet, because they are not... women. But then, neither will I stoop as low as my mother thought I had at the beginning, by having anything to do with a married woman.

I will take those NOT so... attached, with a measure of independence to themselves.

 

Coming in form the Cold

I had no idea that a lifetime spent trying to... be a chameleon... has so inured me to the reality of just what I want that it takes a lot of digging to get to the bottom of issues, and WHY I am doing what I am doing.

But as this song which my father liked [well, he had it among his LP collection] goes, "Jah see, Jah know"

And He has been steering me towards the... truth, till now I am ready not only to be me, but to leave.

Let me explain that part:
Now, you see, it is the truth that people are going to die, and that there wont remain a lot of people on the planet soon, but what I never factored in is my own... unwillingness... to be exposed to people.

I know now for a fact that when I leave for Alaska I NEED NOT return here to South Africa, because I have no real NEED to do so. All the research material I need I can get online, or have sent over by threatening the relevant government... so I will NOT need to travel around digging. That would be too much labour, and for a self-centred person like me, that would be a 'heavy burden' to bear.
And I do NOT do heavy loads.
So, during the transition period, when God does His obama/Alaska thing, and everyone turns to focus on me, I will most likely channel the anger generated by the exposure to take out my revenge on my... enemies, and then depart, having firmly put a wall between me and... everyone else.
I will use the opportunity to call the fifteen women I have selected, to myself, and as for the... other one...still painting her nails maybe thinking I am going to beg her to be with me when I would lose no sleep over her, well, I guess she will just have to watch as I tear into her brood and leave them dead and dying at her feet, and walk away.
By the way, these women, that will come with me; are it. No more.
Fuck, that is 15 women. Whom I will have to feed and clothe and also make sure I... service... because indeed 'hell hath no fury...', and if I do not make them happy down there, Iwill never hear the end of it, so, of course, I would welcome NO MORE additions to them, which is why, also, things... happened... this way, that I may not have to endure the women's dagger-looks when I get another one and they take it personally as  a slight, because, of course, it would mean that I am not satisfied with what I have, or I have a gievance with one of them. Now, if that were the case, being a straightforward person, what I would do is deal with the person who has wronged me, and I would get rid of her, and if i feel the need for another, then so be it... .

On second thoughts, fuck what the women want; there are various TYPES of women out there, and I havent FOUND a certain type yet, so, I WILL do as I please, and get more, even if it hurts whoseoever.

Frankly, whoever thinks she ought to exercise a... monopoly... on me ought to get it out of her head instantly, because it is... detrimental... to health. I will have  a woman focus... exclusively... on me, but not expect the same from me.  I expect unlimited, unqualified obedience, or the lady just gets the fuck out of my life, and I do not expect to be ...mixed... with her former life's debris.

I was also NOT going to drive, but I thought... fuck, I may make a better car, but I WANT a Lamborghini Countach Annivesario... wonder whose arms I am going to twist to get THAT, because I need it, and also the planes. So yeah, they are pollutiing the planet, but I have not yet come up with something better so I may as well enjoy the best there is, at this time.

Which is pretty much my outlook even where women are concerned; and I wonder if this German chick, Diane Kruger,  can be... extracted  from her show-biz life, into my world? Hmmm! Mysteries I love! I mean, if everything was straightforward, I would be bored, and boredom is NOT something I can endure at all!

Now, with all that said and done, I wonder how it would look if I just hightailed it to Alaska and stayed there like an exiled person!

Nuh, it would look too much like I was running away, so... forget it.

From this moment on, let this be the axiom I am known by:
Take nothing about ME for granted, because even if I said I would NOT do something, I may just turn around and do it.

Actually, I WILL go to Zimbabwe, although I will NOT try to see my family... why hurt them, and anyway, God said I would not go back... 'home' - not 'Zimbabwe' , yes?

Priorities.

It is just that figuring what God means when he says something is so much... fun... that I have decided to ... show... what He meant all that time when he said... last year actually:- 
Government Thor: Cape Flats.
So, lets break it down, right?

"Government", a nation's ...ruling body right?
"Thor" [mythical]... first born son of... [mythical] All-Father, or God.

So, the point is, WHO is the one in...charge, yes? Who is the... first-born... the one with the... double portion?

Now, it may appear all that obvious to everyone that christ is the son of God, the one who has the reins of power, and who should be given the honus when it comes to... godhood, yes?

But God does NOT work that way. God calls Christ "My son", and whenever God uses the possessive, He is... hiding the person under Himself, so that people back off to let Him... deal with the person all on His own.


Look at Moses, when he was confronted by his siblings who said that they too spoke with God and they were answered  that Moses was His servant, faithful in all His house.

But when it comes to ME, God says, He will send the prophet Elijah, and does not bother, as you wll have found out, to speak publicly when I speak, or have a public... acknowledging of my... status... vis-a-vis... Him.

true, you will find Isaiah 53 where God speaks about His servant... who is 'righteous'... justifying, by his knowledge, many, but that does NOT mean giving them awards.

because righteousness [I think I mentioned this before] means taking things from their source and proceeding properly as one should to the conclusion that does not forget that source, one will find that christ erred because he tried to fit in where he had no right, and wanted to be the prophesied 'son of man' whose government would not end, when he did not SEE what God meant to begin with.

And knowledge is basically awareness, at the given moment, of all aspects or facets of an issue, it means that taken together with righteousness, this righteous servant [God uses the possessive "My" to CONFIRM that this... person is His, exclusively] looks to the origins and to the conclusions of things while keping his feet on practical, solid reality... NOW, in a manner that shows that God is NOT wrong, but consistent, and whosoever tries to divert that consistency is him- or her-self wrong, and guilty.

And to justify means to... make plain, bring to the ground, make... just [you know, like when one says, 'he is just a thin guy' et.c.] in other words, bring down from the puffed up towers and cast to the earth; make... normal, or sane. Or relevant to the truth.

Now, another thing; my past testifies of me, not that I am... a picture of holiness... but that I was... resistant, refusing to judge anyone because I have an idea what I am capable of but I preferred to die, to cast myself in harm's way rather than do the obvious thing and say to so-and-so; you are wrong, you derserve to die.

Now, THAT can be construed as madness by people, as foolishness, as wasting opportunities to advance myself, but when it is at the price os others' lives, does anyone blame me that I chose to take sooo long before I got mad enough to do something about, not only the irritating people, but also the whole system?

Anyway, if one reads the two chapters, Isaiah 53 and 54, who is it that is saying 'us'?

A nation?

Or women?

That said, I have to mention THIS other thing that God said to me last night when I realised I may have slipped up yesterday:
 
Good troops follow their commander, General, and that instantly transformed my... perceptions on an issue I wrote about last on my post yesterday.


Now, lets face it, Nicky? has shown no inclination towards ... following me, but rather, from the beginning, that I run after her, whereas her mother made me almost want to hide, as she showed so much attention to me.

Now, therefore i reverse roles. And swap the women. since, frankly, i would probably kill Nicky? if she showed up near me, for what she did.

As for the mother, whose name I do not know, hence Nicky?'s mother; the song by damian marley... again says a lot

 

No More Mr "Nice Guy"

Finally, I'm at the point where I have ... almost... tied up all the loose ends and I am about to seriously contest my... right... to be the Last Man Standing... in the public field.

What remains is just a mere formality as far as I am concerned:- there have been 10 women who showed me, out of the blue, just how they... felt... about me, and though I still do not get WHY they did what they did, I saw it with my own eyes, and their body languages left me in NO uncertainty about their seriousness.

these are, just to... leave no doubts:
1)The Glencairn Heights girl [25May]
2)The Fish-Hoek Library woman [25May]
3)The on-her-way-to-sub-council-offices girl [26 May]
4)The polite-on-cell-to-mother girl
5)The diving lady with the curious walk
6)The at-the-beach lady with her walk out-of my way, and her subsequent direct stare after turning her back on me
7)The girl with the book "Shopaholic Girl" at the beach
8)The sweetly-smiling woman with the blue eyes
9)The sexily-smiling girl, just outside at the entrance to Fish-Hoek Library
10)the beautiful girl, also at the Fish-Hoek library.

These ladies have done ONE thing I never thought possible: without any co-ercion or move on my part, other than my being there, thay have shown their... interest, and left me, not only puzzled, but unable to... literally, carry on without somehow acknowledging them, and having them with me.

That said, there are women that HAVE required that I do something, although I also never thought I would end up wanting anyone along with me. But their..reactions.. to my actions have left me in no doubt about their inclinations. Now, where they are I have no idea at the moment, but ... who cares... when I call, they will hear, and in fact, what  will insure that they do come, with the ten, is the fact that their... introduction to me... as I am... will be the news focus once the Alaska thing, and the White House thing, get going, because, as I wrote on the heading, I am not... nice... nor inclined to be... lenient.

These are:

1) The dutch girl who came with her... 'friend'... to stay at Villekulla Lodge
2)The French girl, Allison, whom I met at the curio shop that this bastard rasta guy runs
3)The small red-head (I first met her when she tripped over a wire I was working with as she passed... at the 'you are here' post. I apologised, she gave me a look I was unprepared for, as if I had done wrong in apologising, and when I saw her some times after, she always seemed to freeze, somewhat) who stays somewhere up the hill where the scenic walk is.
4)The young girl who bought some key-rings I made (curiosly enough, the girl also deemed it... unwise...to let me get change, and defused the situation by buying something extra so I did not have to look like a lackey)
5) The once-garrulous girl whom I was mad at, and who after I mentally lashed out in anger at her aggresiveness, showed up like a bad penny many times till the last time I actually stopped, at the beach, and debated going out to her and asking her some questions. doubtless things would have gotten tense there, but I have decided that, since she is cute and all, and her ass is something to behold... and hold, I would not mind having her around.

There are some... removals, yes?
Take, for example, the girl with the hair and build like "Shopaholic Girl". Now, she may be a harmless person, but what I strenuously object to is having a... vision... direct me in an area where God is KNOWN to be indifferent... as if I am incapable of appreciating for myself what is good or not.

If, as it happened, the vision were as a result of me ASKING questions, then I would understand, as is the case where Nicky? is concerned; which brings me to a curious scenario:-
Let me start with Nicky?'s mom.

Honestly, she got entangled into all this BECAUSE she wanted to see if she could protect her... kids. Then on 21 October, I said something that made her realise that there is no such thing as forgiveness, and that those who have angered me MUST pay.

I remember her heart-broken stance later when she stood near me, and it is for that reason ONLY that I have decided to extend a... sort of ... olive branch to her.

Her son goes immediately to Zimbabwe, and if he stays there, then no harm will come to him; he will live out his days like everyone else and die like the rest, like her, at the end.

her other daughter, Nicky?'s sister, I have no interest in, and the only interest I have in Nicky? herself is so that I can make michelle's days as miserable as possible, as I show that scheming vixen that I can stick it where it hurts, and keep turning the screws.

As for Nicky? herself, well, my... offer... stands, but with ONE condition; I will NOT tolerate her bringing her... child by another man... anywhere near me; since I do not want kids, I will have nothing to do with those of another's.

So, she can... bite the bullet, and, well, get the keys of the butt-head person's place and then make ready for me, and we will have our talk behind closed doors, and if I am satisfied about her... intentions, then she comes with me.

If this is unacceptable to anyone, then their continued silence will be answer enough, and I will depart by another route, and THEN I will come back and take my...capite censi... 'head-count'.

Oh, and time is ticking. I expect a response.   

Linking the theory with the practical

I have a confession to make: I am finding out that not only is God consistent in His action towards me, but also, UNLESS I finish planning stuff, and finish all the theoretical aspects of ANYTHING I do, there is NEVER going to be any action.

Fortunately, for me, I HAVE done the whole theory bit, and the following should not only explain WHY in the end there shall be only ONE, but also, WHY Alaska is about to be made devoid of its permafrost, its ... whats the word for natural lifeforms? "biodiversity"...; and WHY I will turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and WHY I will start killing people and WHY I will have many women, and WHY obama is about to die, and et.c.

Now, where do I start?


Let me begin by saying that, basically, all the problems we have NOW could be traced to one simple thing: SEX. in its various connotations.


I am a man, but I had no idea I was different from others till God, after He... happened, said pretty much the first thing He ever did to me; quoting that poem by whatsisface, "What tangled webs we weave, when first we learn to deceive", and that was because, after my initial ... approach... to a woman because I assumed she was looking at me because she somehow ... fancied me... and would be open about it, and the resultant humiliation when my mother had to be involved, I had turned my back on women, but felt that, like anyone else, I needed one, especially when a pretty girl showed up at school, and after she had rejected me because of my ugliness, she was won over after reading an English composition of mine [she was made class-monitor, and so had to hand in books], and gave me the speculative look that I once saw on my mother's fgace as she apparently decided i could be... useful.

funny enough, knowing all that, I thought it was to be my lot to get involved with a girl whom I despised for despising me, and was making plans to lie my way into her pants when God spoke.

Ended up stealing about a thousand books from the public library to... settle my nerves. I let her go, though.

Then I started observing people, or rather started acknowledging what made people tick, and was surprised to come up with the conclusion, which I will carry over to the proper, definitive scientific proving; that no man ever proposes to a woman because he loves her, but because he wants to humiliate her.
No man gets a woman pregnant unless he hates her, and there is NO love in parenting.

Which may be why I wrote, before, that I do not recognise either marriage or parenthood.

Now, my work in proving the above will be how i turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, because every man will have to acknowledge that at the moment he ejaculated, and caused the woman to conceive, he WAS in effect, expressing his hatred of the woman.

So, am I different?
           
              HELL YESSSS!

I'm the only person EVER, by dint of God's involvement in my life from its beginning, who CAN NOT hide what he is feeling, and who is in... tandem... with his inner self.
What you see is what you get, there is no hidden clauses with me. If i dislike a person , I will never... [at least not now; before I did it because I was up to using anything just to die, and so, as I could not, I ended up having to leave it all as a bad job and be honest to myself, and be myself, as God said He wanted from me]... hide it, I will show it.


Unfortunately, or more to the point, FORTUNATELY, I can not LOVE a woman, because, again, of the circumstances of my birth; I am born, unwanted by my mother who would have prefered children she got from some other guy, and so, because I realised that this was how things went, I never tried to get a solid grip on life, and lived... live... each day with the knowledge that with the way things are going, I am going to ... prejudice my parents of THEIR lives and remain alive, when I do not think it RIGHT to do so, but rather that I die and they live.. only God does not see it that way, so I am FORCED to live and make changes that WILL make it a fait accompli that people will die.

So, in that context, having a respect for others' lives, when I have none for myself is an impossibility; how can I love my neighbour as myself when i do not love myself, but am kept alive because of the ... physical... interposition of God Himself?

So, count love out. But that does not mean I can not have sex. Which is why, of course, I will have a lot of women, with the proviso that none of them remind me by their actions,of my mother; if THAT is observed, then I can have a lot of them.

My heart will never be with the women, of course, because as far as i can see, nothing is greater than my death-wish, except God, and so, my heart will remain with HIM.

Also, because this... sexual hate... does not just occur with people but with every animal or sexually reproductive creature, at the end, all these shall be... gone.

And there wont exist a single creature that can procreate.
 
Showing  WHY God allowed this to happen to begin with will be the APEX of my 'academic' endeavours, as I show the mind of God to people who will NOT benefit by it, because every word of mine will be just doom upon doom to them.

So, I am going to be... shaking things up, YESSS, and, because I can not... relent, then the fools who have angered me will have to die.

Thinking of, while I learn to fly a Concorde, getting myself my own smithy, and getting my hands on some tungsten, that hard metal, and fashioning a sword from it, like a Katana blade, and then, as soon as I come back... heads will roll.

Literally.

I have license to kill. I have license to do EXACTLY as I please, because, unlike all of you, what I imagine I can and will bring to pass, just as soon as I finish the theoretical planning.

Well, guess what, the planning is finished.

Now the clock are strike war!

 

When God says... "Never"!

So God said to me when I left home I would never go back, and I said, "yeah, right!", and frankly, while I have been busy battling every step of the way, I had taken it for granted that He would put some foolproof means to enusre I would be unable, even if I tried, to go back.

Turns out the only person who can stop me going back is... me.

Turns out, moreover, that I do NOT want to go back.

Think about it. The upcoming rampage when God goes out [still working on that bit, because I have found out that I am a person who loves the physical practical, and it is God's prerogative to do the impossible practical, like flooding and stuff, but somehow, I have to SAY something to get it done... it has to be... relevant to my circumstances and to the time] and, effectively announces that the governements of the world are on their last legs, and at that time, I become the most well known person on earth [read about the owner of facebook as being the most influential person of the decade? Well, before I even get going facebook must cease to be... as payback, of course] and end up getting the planes and the land that is bigger than the whole of Zimbabwe... Alaska... and THEN I decide to go see my sisters.

Imagine the greeting. Kinda like the indestructible gelatinous mass, BOB, greeting the alien in "Monsters vs aliens", "hello, we are here to destroy you!"

I mean, I would in effect be saying to the people I care about the most, "hi, in a few years, it will come down to the fact that the world can not support you... and me and  those I have chosen, so you will have to die, but cheer up, here are a few million dollars to keep you going till you die. Now, remember the fun we used to have as kids?..."

Somehow, I do not see a meaningful conversation developing there. All I see are glazed over eyes, and the abject terror that comes into people's eyes anytime one mentions death, imminent or otherwise.

Well, anyway, I guess a visit is really NOT the wisest of moves, and the mere fact of trying to ascertain whether people are OK is not enough to risk giving them cardiac arrests just to make sure, right?

So, zimbabwe is out of bounds to me. Which means Sam, my friend, skim a lot of money from the lodge of his, and hightail it to Zim BEFORE I come back down to start on this... archaeological venture -- cradle of mankind--...[ I always MIX business with pleasure. Cant live a life in... MONO-tone]

Speaking of ... pleasure; yes, of course, women!

Am I going to limit myself to... these!

mmmh!

Do not know, there because I have not... tasted how it is to see if I want to burden myself with more or NOT.
But, there is this chick whom I rejected, remember her? The one who came with the crew-cut hair and badass attitude? yes, the one with the... ass.
Frankly, I have been having second thoughts about her, especially as it turns out that most of the feedback was the ... censure... of the holy spirit; you know, the basic, you piece of shit, you can never get it right type of thing!

So, since I am using MY eyes, and following God's advice to "Be Myself", I have to make a few concessions:

-True, the chick had an attitude, which was easy to decode as being caused by having had a child and the guy left her with the baby. What I objected to was her trying to take it out on everyone else, like everyone else owed her, or something... and it was to THAT I objected, and she 'heard', and the other blonde chick also heard, and calmed me down.

but she has a son, and from what I have seen, she REALLY wants to be free from the kid. Because the last time I saw her she was sitting on the beach, on a bench, and you could keep a whole football field between her and the boy.

 now, being selfish, and seeing she is NOT bad-looking, I have decided to accept her offer; but she knows where she will leave the kid,  because I will have nothing to do with that.

The only thing she has in her favour about being a mother, as far as I am concerned, is the fact that I do not have to swallow my disappointment that, had she been a girl, I would most probably not have been the first anyway, what with free sex all-around anyway.

Another thing I can not stand is a child that is either in diapers or being... trained... by the mother, even if a girl... because I am NOT interested in being caught in between reminders of some guy having had the woman, and now the woman comes to... ME... and tries to have me take responsibility.

I think michelle does not realise how much I hate her for what she did to me, because if she did, she would have run as far away as possible, because some times I feel so positively murderous I want to throttle her.

Just to wind it all up, i think I will take the girl who bought the key-rings as well, otherwise I will be bitter too much with the women, just thinking of how many times they must have had it... and then DARE look at me.

Even the ten. I would be VERY surprised if there was a virgin among them. And even if there was, it does not mean that they did not DREAM about someone at one time, so, it is pretty much the same.

So, yeah, I probably WILL look for more women, but those that are unattached, and those that have less of a baggage than normal, because a 'perfect' woman I will never find.

About Links and stuff.

Ever since I made up my mind that I would NOT second-guess God, I have been jolted out of my comfort zone and been forced to confront things I never thought I would have to face because all along I was in a form of "combat mode", where any day could be my last.

Now, I happened {please do not ask me where, because you would not believe me anyway} to be seated next to this blonde lady for a while, and she reminded me of Nicky?'s mother, and I was asking myself whether the mom would ever be pleased with me, if the improbable happened and she happened to wind up with me, and I had virtually threatened her daughter with death?

She may be afraid of me for a while, but, like everyone ele, she would get over it... familiarity breeds contempt... enough, at least to show her true colours. And I would have to kill HER, which would be a waste of investment.


More to the point, I figured to myself that I would NOT be happy if the... enigmatic... Nicky?, whom I can not seem to shake off from my mind, was not in my life, regardless that there are other, beautiful women included.

So, she has a kid... mmm. Female, I suppose. Well, if she is young enough, then I suppose, if she comes along she will be... preserved enough to probably be the... only virgin... I ever encounter, because I do not believe there is such a thing as chastity among teens and such anymore.

And I was never searching for any, anyway, since I was never interested in life that way.

Sex began as a means to an end, and the end was, and unfortunately still remains, death: I will be honest, if God ever relaxed His hold on me even for a single instant, I would kiss life goodbye that very same moment and die, because not only do I know that i will have to pay the supreme price of watching my mother die, but also I know I will never change; waht moves me is rage, rage at my impotence as far as death is concerned.

I do not hate God, no, I am grateful to Him for bothering, and because He does not judge me at all, I can carry on, but if He ever showed that He thought I was too much of a burden, or that He was weary of me, I would exit the place... and life... instantly.


Now, I wonder if Nicky? is as God showed me... because yes, it WAS God, which means that the other black-haired chick will have to come as well, meaning I will have 18 females with me?


man, maybe she should just give me the cold shoulder and I can just ignore her, her mom, and her sister and stuff, and then come back and kill the lot.

I could just kill butt-head instantly, and get it done with. Then I wont have to worry!

No letting go

Now, it may seem like I am saying that I am throwing away the...delectable... women, yes?

NO WAY; I am just saying that I am incapable of stopping being ME so I can give them...conventional attention... if I could I would have only one, yes?

But I can not, so, I will have... more; if you can make sense of that!

On my side, more means less... irritation, less friction, less dependence of the woman on me, so I can focus on doing what I enjoy and not taking out my frustration on being held back by a woman's need for attention, on the woman.

Hey, them ladies are sexy!

Double Dragon

Sometimes, in my desire to be.. me, I forget to be... we, if you get the meaning.

I loved this TV show as a kid, and even when I read the book called "Lord Foul's Bane" a few days ago, where someone spoke about "not killing if maiming is enough, not maiming if wounding is enough, and  not wounding if hurting is enough", I still struggled to get the concept.


I guess I have come across as a blood-thirsty person who will never compromise, but the truth is, for some time now, I have lived by the creed:

Do not intentionally harm one another
never do battle if you can avoid it... 

Just like the sensei of the Dragon Masters says at the beginning of the show.

guess I have been projecting a lie, which has slowly become exposed NOW.

This will probably explain my... reticence... in taking matters into my own hands, so often, because much as I may want to get revenge, I reflect that it is from an unfair point of view;- I can not be harmed, only... inconvenienced, like this facebook shit I have just received;- a notification that my blogspot will not appear on my account, that I have NO account to begin with, well, I guess I will have to take some form of punitive action there, right?[like, make it cease to exist, this facebook shit] Since for every action there is a corresponding, opposite RE-action.

It will probably explain the incredulity I felt when I finished my post yesterday and thought, fuck, God You will have to make me an eunuch because;

1) there is NO way I am going to sit at home with 25 women and twiddle my thumbs when there are plenty of outdoors things to do, travel, et.c.
2) There are PLENTY of women out there who may be better than what I have seen so far, so, to tell me that as I move about I will keep my hands between my legs, like a golfer and pretend NOT to see? Fuck, here, take my head now, and get it over with quick!


Which brings me to Nicky?


Now, God is true, right?, and so when I asked for an insight into her thinking, and He showed me, I found out that I could USE that to bring out my point against Michelle, mainly, that she, michelle, is not up to scratch, because some people DO listen [although I am beginning to doubt even that now; I mean, do these people sit up and keep their eyes glued to the beach so that they can observe me? Well, never mind, I am leaving that place soon anyway; they will not see me anymore, and that may be the case till the day I do come back, with all my patience exhausted, to say 'I gave you all all the chances I couls to make peace with me, you would not, now I come to exact vengeance'], and thus, rub salt in her face by proving it to her... practically.

But no matter that I went so far as to bend over backwards, in order to SHOW that I do not LOVE the stupid bitches, but am trying NOT to kill them, they all just nod like Eminem pretending to be Brittney Spears in his song, and clutch at their blonde locks.

Kinda makes it hard to NOT follow the stereotype that blonde = stupid, because I have said it plainly enough, yet they all keep thinking I am going to ... change, and start being the man they are, in their dreams, hoping i will be.

Well, as I said, before, and I say again; I have no use for hope, because I see things as they are, and I say again, if this 'crop' of women is ALL there is for me to... live with... then I would sooner welcome death, because I WILL end up killing them.

Well, maybe not all of them, but surely butt-head's family.

And him too.

Idiot thinks I actually would lose sleep over his demise.

But I guess the fool does not really pay attention to what I say, does he, because I remember the cretin, one day I said I was putting all th blame for eveything on his girlfriend, he actually drove aroung freely, and I thought; of all the gutless, wormish things to do, this is the absolute pits.

Fool would hide IN his mother's skirts if he could fit. And he does. Hide. Dont know about fitting because they seem of much the same height.

Does he know what having a...dick... means?

You stand...erect. On your own.


Fuck, the coward does not deserve to live. I feel like just killing him for the fun of it.Everyone will be the better of for it

You think I give a damn about a Grammy
half o' you critics cant even stomach me
let alone stand me...
But slim what if you win wouldn't it be weird?
Why so you guys can just lie to get me here
so you can sit me here next to Brittney Spears...?

Then what does he say?


Fuck, you know, I am beginning to think that some people just do NOT want to be treated better than they deserve, because if you do them a favour, they think by holding out they will get better than that.


I am NOT a patient man, and right now, I am waiting for the anger to reach critical levels, and THEN blast everyone of the fools away.


A pity, I say, that sometimes I have to think of... Us, not just me, because when it is just ... me... then everything is very clear-cut indeed!

Funny thing is, I am focused solely on Nicky? at this moment, because, contrary to her brother and michelle, who showed their true colours already, SHE has left me hanging, and the thing is, I WANTED it known that it had nothing to do with her beauty but rather the fact that she leaned forward... .


And she thinks, maybe, that I am sooo infatuated.


Well, I am getting rather... fed up, and even my curiosity has limits; if she does not act, like NOW, then I will wash my hands of everyone of that ... brood, and descend like a tornado when next we... meet!

END of beginning

Just in case one may wonder where all this is leading, let me put it this way;- I have not just taken the steps I have taken because I am sleep-walking, but God has been walking with me, step by step, and it is only a few moments ago when I found out that something was STILL missing that I asked what was wrong.

God showed me:-now, I show you.

The rule that everything should start the way it is meant to carry on and end does not apply, in my view, to me only but also to everyone about me, which means those who got on my bad side at first, will REMAIN on my bad side... which is why I was relieved that a girl more beautiful than Nicky? showed up and showed her... respect.

But then, that means, Nicky? will die, either by my own hand when I come back, OR, later when I pull the plug on everyone else.

I have no intention of doing her harm, which is why I am... pleading... with her sister, to sort of take up the task.

because also, the mother showed me ... respect..., I am ... inclined, to taking her with me as well, which is where the funny thing will now show up:- If these two women agree, then the number is complete... there will be no more women, and they are the ones to whom prophecy would have been pointing.

Of course, in order to actually TAKE butt-head's mom, he has to be out of the picture, which means... I STRESS... he goes to Zimbabwe, and leaves her...the mom... his house and keys and SHE, and her daughter, make ready for me THERE.

Then I think I will be fully paid.


And will not feel inclined to just throw everything away and kill everyone anyway.


Oh, this means that, when I DO leave, I do so as a... closed... individual; inaccessible to any but the 25, and that means everyone else will BE an enemy.

And liable to death.
Now or some 9 years later.

Almost came to the wire

First, let me say I have NO IDEA what 'down to the wire' actually means, but the sense of it is what almost happened yesterday.

It started out as a lark, to see if I COULD do it, and when, in the afternoon, I stood outside the fisherman's hut and saw, in the distance, Strand, and Somerset West so clearly outlined, I said to myself, "nuh, of course, I could never control the water if it were to flow up to there,so, lets forget it!"

Instantly, God answered me and said, "Where is the water?", and I thought, well, the water is in the sea, of course, and the sea is on earth, and so... uh! "... and let them have dominion over... ALL the earth", which means that, frankly, I COULD say to ANYTHING on this planet, do this and that, and it would have no choice but to obey... NONE whatsoever.
ANYTHING

So, I had to ask myself why I was so... unwilling... to let that happen, and the answer was simple... I live by the rule

Start anything the way you intend to finish it

And so, when I came HERE to RSA, it was NOT to be LORD, or to rule, but rather to die, and I tried hard... this month marks five years since I left my parental home, and my thoughts even now teeter on the brink of... suicide... because it has a certain attractiveness that is hard to shake off.


So, the fact that I had no intention nor inkling of my... nature... when I got to Mzansi, means I can not really have much of a say in whatever does not... sit well with me.

Which is why I FIRST need to have me a place I arrive at, where I am first and foremost, the LORD, and THEN, I can come back and do the judging thing, because then I will be... prepared... for that.


So, as of now
I command the Earth to make a place for me in Alaska, a warm place, with no howling winds, no biting insects, no other human inhabitants except those I bring... and no beasts of prey [ this vegetarian thing will have to wait till I wean myself from meat, and have planted the suitable trees and they have given forth fruit].

A place to my taste, near the sea.

Oh, yes, and deal with Obama, right? Kill the sucker, in an earthquake, and save for me the one I said I want as 'head of state'.

At once!

Now, what does this... mean, to those on my waiting list for doom? Well, that they WILL die, as soon as all the hiccups are sorted... although I have to say that it was NOT the thought of ... righteous revenge... that stayed my hand.

It was actually the realisation that I would unwittingly consign to death people who helped me... heal, simply because I was too... fixated on my destruction to see what they did for what it is.

take for instance the psychology student from UCT in 2010, who is the first person ever to want to... soothe... my nerves.

I mean, come on, it is not everyday that one tries to kill himself and does not succeed, and then is put in a place that so stigmatises one that one can not ever think one will ever walk with head held high among people ever again.

She came, this girl, and she talked to me, and said absolutely nothing about what brought me to Valkenberg, and THEN,when I started showing that I could not even begin to trust my senses again, and was worrying about whether she was messing with my head, she asked me if i spoke Afrikaans, and when I replied in English that I spoke a little, she then launched into a liquid flow in the tongue, and would you believe it, I actually FELT better. She was quick to grasp that I was NOT used to talking to people, and that I would tense when anyone spoke to me for an extanded period of time, and would end up trying to draw into myself, and she wanted to calm me down, which worked, but I wanted no... intimacy... I could not afford it. So, I pushed her away, and stillI can not forget the look in her eyes when she saw me last, and I recoiled, fearful of any sort of commitment.

And yet, it was the thought that such a person could see fit to... care... that made me thinK I was not so... hopeless... after all.


Then, there is the pretty nurse at Victoria Hospital, Arabic, with her EMR overalls who made a fuss of me the SECOND time I tried to die, and slit my wrists, and NO blood came out, and she recognised me and she called me by name, and I wondered about that till I concluded that she was in love with her work... till I saw how she looked forlorn when I mentioned THAT to her. But, as I said, I felt like shit, and thought there would be no tomorrow for me.

So, I walked away.


Then there is the married English chick. Now, frankly, I am not the type of person to really appreciate  a person I know is NOT accessible, but what took me by surprise was the fact that when I looked at her as she wondered aroud by the posters, and she noticed me [and I went into my tense-mode, expecting her to frown or make a face at my 'presumption'], she stared at me in the same sense of surprise as I had, and I saw that she carried a burden, and being an ugly man, I quickly realised that it had to do with how people responded to her looks.

I have never seen a person more miserable, and the funny thing is, she had NOTHING wong with her. So, she has sea-blue eyes, and has a brow that sort of juts out, but all in a beautiful, refined way, and I thought... "so what?", and she seemed to be saying, "its too late."

yeah, right!

I am a twenty-first century man who can NOT die, and one tells me about impossible? Fuck that!


She comes with me.


Then there is the girl who stunned me when I was working at the... metal-and-beads thing.

And thanked me when I told her, without thinking about the possible responses that my comment could elicit, that she did not have the customary arrogance of a Capetonian.

She took it all so seriously, and accepted it as a compliment, though, of course, certain people could have thought of it as my being... uppity.


I first thought there was something wrong with her, but as I have grown comfortable with the fact that, when I am not focusing on it, my true nature surfaces, I find that she was already responding to the... LORD... in me.

Then there is, of course, this other chick who bought, at the same place,  key-rings I had made.

Now, frankly, again, I hated going there,because I was gradually becoming aware that somewhere above me I was having my back skinned and everything I did analysed and treated with contempt, and so, when she was busying the stuff, I only wanted to be elsewhere, and when there was the issue of change, i gladly departed to get some, and she... covered me... by not accepting it.

maybe that did not come out right, but, well, let me just say she is a beautiful blonde, and though young for my taste, I think I could really... .


Anyway, that means there are twenty three women, and I do not know if the ones who constantly parade around second-guessing me are still doing so, because I wonder if butt-head's mom would show her true mind, and come out in the open. 

Kinda wonder, though, because she seems to want the... safe thing.

Nicky?... would be unwise to show herself up first, coz we have a history!