Trouble started for me yesterday afternoon, when I was walking in Simonstown to avoid sleeping, and ended up at the art-shop.
I was walking BACK to the work-shop when I bumped into this girl I called the red-head from 'up there' who it turns out has, or had herself have, brown hair, and she was talking to some people and she turned around and walked my way as I recognised her.
now, maybe I am not really an honest person, because I seem to have left out, a lot, this very simple fact, everytime I have mentioned women;- I am smitten by white women, and do not see myself really having anything to do with anyone NOT white.
maybe I AM a racist in that regard, not because I think women who are not white are better, but because they do not... YELL ...as much as the other races, and their voices are more well modulated than those of almost every other peoples, and THAT matters to me, since almost everyday what anyone says DOES piss me off, not only because of the content, but also because of the ... tone.
i mean, I can barely stand the undercurrent of menace in everything I say when I open MY mouth, so I have an ear attuned so very critically to everyone else's tone it is not surprsising that most times even a message delivered in a friendly voice gets to my nerves, because i KNOW that whan I use the tone, I AM conveying intent to harm.
And there I am, delivering my angry speech yesterday and saying I am good to go; to myself anyhow, and yet the sight of that little woman has me thinking, you know, I would love to get her and get to ... know her, yes?
so, it had me thinking about a lot of things, and it ended up with me asking myself what I would like to take away with me, aside from the... ten women, and I was... hesitant... when it came to... nicky?, because frankly, I can not make up my mind about whether to... kill her or to... have her along.
All because I can not decide whether what I 'saw' was really what was... there.
nor can I decide whther the mother would -- and I MUST be plain here, her son dies anyway, regardless of what she may have to ... think about it, as well as the puffing-chunky-runner-boy (fuck, the little idiot grates on me; he puts his tail between his legs, and then in acts of... defiance... resumes his daily jogging past the shop as if to taunt me into getting, physical with him.I would love to, but I KNOW how these things will end;I can not be destroyed, and I never QUIT, so, what do you think he will look like when I am done with him? And besides, I have an independent memory-based tactile sense; like if I touch a person I remmber when I had similar contact, and WHY, and so if I start killing white people, and I then TOUCH a white woman, chances are I will immediately bunch my fist without thinking and strike her, since their skins are rather soft to touch and stuff. Which is why I prefer to deal with these people... from a distance).
now, as I said, I am not sure what the... mother thinks, because I am rather... curious as to how she may see me, and remmbering that I ONCE said I would love to have her as the first ever white woman, because she rather impressed me; I do not know if she would ... jump with joy, knowing that nine months and some many years of labour is coming to an.... abrupt end, because I am dead set the fools she gave birth to would die, and at my command.
I do not think she would like it.
Nor do I suppose that allison would love being around me, or nicky?'s sister, or the little woman I saw yesterday, but well, from MY point of view, I would, if the pitfalls could be negotiated... by them, not me, really enjoy having them.
And I mean that in a very selfish way, of course.
of course, I am thinking that I will, anyway, see what I can do about some other women that have taken my fancy, but the point is THAT is none of their business, because what I am ... thinking... at the moment is that instead of waiting around for people who may or may not be interested in me, let me rather just move on forward.... .
I have to think a bit about this one;- I KNOW that a desire for... other... women is based chiefly on my rejection of nicky?, because she is the ONE person I have a distinct grudge against, and while i think she had a... small change... in her view of me, meaning whatever she saw to begin with was NOT based on her looking down at me, but needed a little adjustment to get the ... proper picture [maybe had something to do with her thinking I had to merely look after a woman's child and not bother with wanting to have anything more than parental interest and then me walking away from the person's life as she , the said daughter, got on with her own life, and so, maybe, when I mentioned that I would never do anything to please someone else but myself, she gave up on her designs to have a surrogate father made of me?
hey, I am reaching maybe, because she probaby does not think that anyway, but I am just saying, what if THAT was the reason why she had her 'small change' when I decided I would post the things I posted on that Sunday the 21st of October?]... meaning she had viewed me not as michelle did, which is as a person to dump her burdens on, but had swallowed the things I had to say anyway, although hse thought I should be bound by the laws of... decency?
Ok, so lets say I but that:- what about the mother, since the things was for two ... 'fools' [funny thing, I sat at the same terminal as before and can NOT get the Greek transliteration. Maybe I ought to adjust this blogspot's settings]... or maybe more, and so, let me say that the... mother is involved, since i can not see who else may qualify for that:-
so she reads my post and then she realises that... what?... i was portraying myself as the... victim? A person bothered by women , and her son, simply because some silly woman would not leave me alone till she got me mad, mad enough to decide that she must die?, and her son MUST die?
nuh!
I think its more like, she discovered that... reasoning with me in these things would not work, because I would not yield even to God, and demanded that every person's life be forfeit if i was to carry on living, or that I would die and have nothing to do with compromise.
I meant it too, actually, not because I want to put god to shame, but because I was at the time certain that God would want me to make adjustments and be more reasonable and understanding and tolerant.
I do not know how to... tolerate... anything, nor do I want to learn. I am very, very set in my ways, and will not let anything or anyone make me walk off the path.
even if i am temporarily persuaded to let things slide, I will actually end up doing as i originally intended, because people's opinions carry little weight with me.
It is therefore very ... hard... for me to accept that i could end up with nicky?
because I REALLY, really do not like her.
everything about her makes me feel like pulling my hair.
She would have to either be very impressive to make me even believe anything she has to say, OR she will just have to walk away, and put her lot with her brother and his girlfriend, and I will kill them all.
Because frankly, I would rather take candice, pat's daughter, because she is not hard to understand. Except for the... tattoos.
and the history.
and the mother.
fuck, i hate that woman!
