Ok, so I slip up a lot and let my guard down many times, like when I, the night before last, got woken up by Fletcher telling me a guy was murdering his wife/woman/girlfriend at out door and I just walked up to the guy, slapped him, and chased him away.
guy spent the whole of yesterday waiting for us to emerge... from hiding, as he thought... and when we finally showed up at our door, he tells me he wants to 'know' why I beat him up.
Guy looked like he had had an argument with several bricks; his nose was almost broken, and his face swollen, and I KNOW I gave him just a couple of open-handed slaps, and when I literally tell him to fuck off, he comes back with a reception committee, ready to start a lynching for these newcomers who come, start kicking dogs [hey, the mutt was yapping at my heels], tell the landlord he is a poes, [guy broke our lock trying to get other people to rent the same house because I had paid but not come the day I said I would] and then beat up a fellow Zimbabwean having an argument with his 'property' simply because I had been disturbed from my sleep.
It was a very entertaining night, and in the end, we were all friends, and I even bought the disgruntled guy a beer, and we agreed that a lot of things had been said and done... in the heat of the moment.
Fortunately, Fletcher has a diplomatic tongue, because I only wanted to find out just how... unhappy the guys were, even though I knew that if I started something, it would probably end up with the whole of red-hill involved, and me against a crowd, since I am not exactly mr-popular down that side...or is it up?
Now, I had behaved in a singularly thoughtless manner, because I wanted to give vent to this bubbling anger in me, and I am getting rather reckless about everything.
So, to make up for it, I spent the night, thinking.
deeply.
And at first, I said to myself, according to that vision of the head and fifteeen seconds, the people I was silent about had to be women that I did not speak to who heard me and made their own choices.
I even came up with the five, five women I would use to boast to the ... OSC... about how... in demand I was.
they are
the glancairn heights girl, with her 'whats wrong with me?' gesture;
the woman at the beach with her two kids and her spectacular behaviour;
the girl with the book Shopaholic Girl;
the diving lady with her smashing waist and ass;
The smiling blue-eyed woman at the Fish Hoek library.
I was very satisfied with these till I reached the very obvious conclusion that these women, when they saw me, wanted my... approval.
I noticed them, yes, and yet they wanted to have me react to them so that they would feel good about themselves.
heck, even the red-head at the Glencairn station was doing things that meant she wanted me to somehow come out of my shell so she could have the pleasure of knowing she was not as worthless as she probably assumed.
The point is,
All the activity was NOT about me, but about how they saw themselves, every single one of them!
And as soon as I discovered that, I made the dismal conclusion that I would still have to face the five women of the OSC.
but, before I made my decision, I also concluded that I would NEVER have anything to do with someone who came to me so that she could save the life of a son, daughter, or herself, because I do not carry such weights.
So, it must be unequivocally CLEAR just why the woman comes to me, and the ONLY acceptable reason is because she herself made up her mind she wanted to, and that she was not leaning on me to make her choice for her.
The other thing is, I am going to kill people with my bare hands anyway, and michelle is one of them, as well as her brother, moto mia and butt-head.
So, even if the woman was related to these people, it would make no difference to me, because it is not as with the other women who have done me no wrong; these people have each in her own way pissed me off, so, of course, I am not ... friendly... when it comes to them.
like butt-head's mom who I would love to leave in the cold and leave to the mercy of a hungry, vengeful mob when I seal up all of simonstown. Woman strolls up and down trying to make me do... what?
stop being me?
so that her asshole of a son can live, and I put my tail between my legs and just move on?
Or Allison with her male companion, making all those notice-me moves that set my teeth on edge.
i will kill the bastard, just to spite her.
or nicky, who had the gall to piss me off, and then lean forward when she and her brother peremptorily hooted their car horn at me as if I was some kind of errand-dog that she wanted to attract to herself, like the things that i was unhappy about were mere nonsense and she herself was more important than any of that.
If only she knew that the reason she is NOT currently on the death-row list is because I am yet to decide if God was responsible for the visions I saw of her or not!
Then there is the lady with her dog, who assured me the dog would not bite, as if I was worried about being bitten when the fact that set me off was that the mutt was BARKING at me!
like it is ok to be made the centre of everyone's attention as long as the baying dog does not sink its teeth into you! Who the fuck likes being barked at and then being told the dog is harmless? Like, where the fuck is the stupid woman's HEAD? Maybe she had ear-plugs, and could not hear.
turns out the fucking woman and her boyfriend were making it a habit to come into my path. So, I notice them now, and take appropriate action, YESSS!.
well, since I really HATE only michelle, and otherwise despise the rest of the bitches, I will not kill her, but take out my anger on chunky-boy.
Then there is the girl with the sexy ass, the unmistakable relative of stuck-up nicky?I have nothing to say about HER, because frankly, it is because of HER I am hesitant about killing nicky?, since if I had not seen her, I would NOT have realised the nose thing that I never saw in real life but in a vision, making me wonder whether the woman [nicky?] really had had a change of heart.
fuck, one of these days I must read my 22 October posts. All I remember is that I was angry, and upset at being 'deceived' by God.
Funny that all these women are not that bad to look at, and so, if they can surmount these obstacles... somehow, like living with a guy who has close-blood on his hands, then they probably will not suffer any more after they are under my wing.
Allison has such a nice set of...uh fuck that!
i am thinking of walking away anyway and just ignoring this.
