Rules of Engagement

them want me fir them

pon their cause where

never like when things are go my way

After a few days of madness, with the most common failing I have, sympathy, tripping me up and making me fail to realise that, when it comes right down to it, I could be said to be heartless, I have come back to my senses.

I FUCKING hate God.
I was suckered in by the song, but then, I am the kind of guy that looks at what something comes from, and where it was headed, and why it even happened. God came into my life without even a by-your-leave, and proceeded to try to run it, masking His... interests so that I had to find out what He really was after. To me, its simple, do not play games, have the guts to state what you want from the beginning, do not ... fuck around, and that is exactly what He was doing, this God, playing mind games with me and buffeting me left right and center so that I would get ANGRY enough to be the weapon He envisaged. The Asshole!
I felt quite relieved after last night to actually sit up and thoughtfully call Him names.
He had beef with His spirit, calling him/it "but dust", but never did He decide to DO anything about it. He even seemed to side with the rogue "word that put on flesh" that midget jesus christ, and sent so many conflicting messages, allowed conflicting messages to float around, mainly because He would NOT stop sending double-coded messages and just be PLAIN.
So, He walks into my life, and by so doing literally invites everything and everyone to wade in and have their way with me. I had to... back off... from a lot of things, because the pressure was intense, but the mistake I made, even implied, in my last post, was assume GOD would do something. He has never lifted a hand before, what would make Him start now?Right from the beginning, with my mother thing, I was on the button. He wanted me weaned from her, and THEN I would have no option but unleash the rage that not only He but also His minions, and then, of course, people, caused to fester.
The rules of engagement, from His point of view, are these, I am now a loose cannon, I control everything I can think of. I therefore... to put it in a less than dramatic way... am a bit... unstable, and apt to just go overboard at any time  

He was so ghoulishly relishing the day when He promised the till-then upright 'serpent' (fuck, anyone with brains and not the mental fixations that a fear of confronting the truth head on would bring can figure out that to tell a creature that it would go on its belly meant that it was NOT going on its belly to begin with. I mean, its THERE in the fucking BIBLE) that the seed of the woman would crush his head. He did not bother to explain that this 'seed' would have about as much choice in the matter as an eagle curbing its killer instinct when it espies prey from its lofty mountain top. He deliberately DESIGNED me as a killing machine, even from the beginning, bringing me back to life and carefully isolating me from any warmth, and sympathy by giving me wide awake eyes that made me grasp first the low tolerance levels for me in my nature that would make my integrating into any part of society an impossibility. Guy brought me back from the dead, and left me like a zombie thing, and I have to look at what I am almost afresh DAILY and can not stop from gaping.

I watched that movie, "hulk" the 2003 one, more than once, and way back then, all I worried about was my burning back, and the fact that at the small of my back, right where my spine curves a bit, I felt PHYSICAL pain even when I had not been touched or harmed at all. At 21 I was already walking like an old man. It was only when I was watching the trailers recently, that it occurred to me that I had been made into a freak, deliberately, by God.
With one motive, to KILL and not relent.
This is NOT, for me, about survival, it is about ... progress. I am a logical creature, and whatever circuitry that should have made me see people as important was wiped out early by this almost absurdly simple but inevitable, rigid, God-made-up system. And I get caught up in it so neatly even I have to laugh at it effectiveness.
God strolls in, makes impossible, disturbing, uncomfortable, statements and then when I try to prove Him wrong, I find myself in the wrong. So, I make the conclusion that He does not make mistakes, and so, I decide to see things, based of course on His statements and all I know about Him, in a manner that is most comfortable for me.
And when I conclude, as myself, what should be done, I realise that is what He had long shown MUST happen.
There is no room on the planet for more than one man. Especially if that man is a true reject, first ever, of the womb that bore him. That guy automatically qualifies to have 'dominion' over... you can read the top right part of my blog. IS it top right?NO, top LEFT, right under the title "The Champions".

This is not some sci-fi nonsense, I have lived it. And I know... stuff.He will not this pet-project of His fizzle off. Oh, yeah, He understands my reluctance to just do away with my mother, which is why He not only promised me a 'place prepared' for me to get me away from my mother, but also a means off the planet with that same promise so that I would not have to brood. But, see, my mother matters. I feel defensive especially over the way He wanted to gleefully thrust it into my face how she can not stand me. So, of course, she and those that are not just 'those people' to me, they do not get to die like ordinary people are about to.

Oh, yeah, I also figured out that instead of biting off more than I can chew, it is best for me to keep on with simplicity. When they make military hardware, they do it, like with the planes, in a utilitarian way. I would be lost at the controls of a jumbo, because it is made for luxury travel. So, it is back to the C-130. I will grab one. I saw an example of a cockpit. I liked. NO small computer screens. I can figure this out.

It says that TWO pilots are required. Yeah, right!
And, of course, there is the other thing. I never got to explain it because well, 45 minutes IS 45 minutes, which reminds me, I omitted people like whatshisname, kenneth from my list. I mean, his involvement in the kiss thing, and then the DOG, well, that was a bit too much. See, I really DISLIKE fools that think they can think better than me. I also forgot that cape to cuba guy, and who else? I will think about it. BUT know for certain that your deaths are going to be bizarre and, well, I am NOT interested in showing mercy. See, I was still dumb. I had a vision that I will REPEAT ...I NEVER told. I just zoned in on a dog, because that part-and for fucking crying out visions are SYMBOLIC; a dog can mean a person, not this nonsense that I have been getting like from this obscenely tall, yes, blonde, woman who thinks I will eye her if she shows up with a small dog that I would love to crush underfoot- should have been easy to see. And even THEN I never alluded to the dog in the vision, I just told the story of this dog that I had spent a lot of time with at an uncle's. But I had to live my own life, and it died day I left. I tried to POINT out that this person was about to die, because whatever stronghold she thought she had no longer existed, and as I said, back then I was dumb. I FOLLOWED visions, I did not make up my own mind.I got... instructed... instead. I wonder if anyone has any idea how INSULTED I feel by you people, how I am itching to turn the tables?
Anyway, there is this things about... fruit. I did not come at it from an I-am-following-God angle. I was thinking about me planting seed and actually waiting fro harvest. FUCK that. I will NEVER do manual labour, even if it is for my stomach. I would rather do without, yeahsss! So I asked myself what I would have to eat, and the answer was fruit of course, and it was only after I had settled down to that decision that I linked it with how God had let the first man in a garden where he did not have to bend to eat food, but merely pick fruit. Man disobeyed God, and he is told, "by the sweat of your brow you shall eat your food... for dust you are and to dust you will return". Me, I suppose I am different, even from the original man, because what he lost, I am gaining.Yes, I will eat fruit, but that does not mean I am going to starve now. I will eat food while I figure out how to... get away, and only later, when all other food is long gone, will I resort to fruit only. In the US. 

Lets just say that I am not really under God's law. I operate according to MY way of thinking.
But, Oh boy, I will DRINK lots of juice.

This is the funny bit.I was taking stock of myself while I lay on the mountain, basically confused, and I asked myself what I really NEEDED with dreadlocks. I saw myself in future twisting my hair and all that nonsense and I thought, fuck this why not cut it? Now, the night before last, as I lay down after exhausting all my food and thinking, 'water', I NEED water, I saw some lights from the other mountainside, showing that people, a group of them, were of course, across from me. When I lifted my head and checked them out, the lights winked out. THIS did not surprise me. When I came first time from pollsmoor and promised to kill the gallery woman, I had something set up against me. Vinnie had come back, wanted to go to grahamstown, and I was being kept busy polishing his stones, for which I got no money, and the kids, his landlord and crew, came to the fire, decided they would havesome poitjie, some stewed food, on the fire, and I had a share, sitting out front at the house.
As I walked up the mountain, first a mountain man car pulled by and stopped at the gallery woman's house. I walked by like I saw nothing. Then some dark coloured MPV pulled up in front of me, and stopped right where that mirror at the turn of the road is, and all lights were off. A ... concerned ... citizen would have wanted to know what was wrong, right? I went up the stairs. The mountain man bakkie  drove after. I climbed the normal steps, and the bakkie drove to where that house with guavas are, where the yard starts and turned back, with a flash light mounted and turned on on the roof. The flashlight was turned my way, I stopped, stared at the bakkie, and then carried on my way.
A while later someone was on the mountain side opposite.
This was intimidation and scare antics.
Not amusing.They just made me mad.

Anyway, yesterday I finally roused myself, and I was looking for a stream I knew of, from my first time on the mountain, but I could not spot it from my aerial position, and I concluded that it must have dried it. I was NOT going down, which meant, far as I was concerned, it would have to rain, and true enough, a wind picked up and some time later, there were dark clouds. I went to sleep, and it was during the night I finally figured out I was sitting inactive for nothing. So, I dropped all the pretence that there could be any amity between me and God, and i went to sleep, and was horrified to find, come morning, a strong wind, blowing from the wrong direction. Asshole, I thought, and then came down. Without my hat. With my hair making me look like a wild thing.  Even now, I was surprised by how people reacted to me. I ended up, because of the wind, and sydney's insistence at that place of mike's where obert used to sit and the woman that sells outside there went to sydney to ask him if I could sit a bit further in and not on the road.
Why did I write this? I have no fucking idea. I am, however, just pointing out that no SANE person would associate pity with me if one just took things as they appeared. I am dangerous