First, before I deal with how I can NOT go toe to toe with the spirit of God in "October", I will deal with the human element.
Now, I am sure a lot of people out there are labouring under the illusion that there is a woman that I ... love. Lets face reality. I am totally incapable of love. This should be a glaring reality to anyone who takes the time to even observe me when a woman tries to make me do what she wants and I flare up.
I had said I would regret saying that any idiot knew who I was talking about, and I assume that that made some people feel rather strong about themselves. Which explains the coming out of the imp. But what I said before, it goes, I am GOING to kill the fools. As for the woman, well, let me put it this way. I actually stated over and over again, what made me do a double take as far as she is concerned; the way she looked so woebegone when I said I would have nothing to do with her because I saw the wedding ring on her finger. I was, I confess, till a few days ago, thinking, it would be nice to have somebody who is so into you she can not imagine a life without you. She could keep me amused when I got bored. BUT, when I walked from wynberg after my last post, and saw her and the imp in a cosy tete-a-tete at the la parada, I suddenly realised one glaring truth my ego had kept from me, all these months:- Whatever interest the woman has in me, it is not ME she is interested in. So, I have no NEED to even bother myself with her.
I have to be frank, even ceased being interested in women, any women, sexually. I found out that I do not NEED anyone in my life, I like my own company too much.Besides, when you tell a woman that you are interested in her and then you find her kissing some guy, that is a LOUD message there, yes?
Now, to the spirit of God. First thing I tried to do, as a grown up, was to try to use a girl that had a child, pretty much the same way my mother had had children when she met my father, to make her look at herself and kncok some sense into her. It failed, miserably. I am not good with failure. I deflate. And i have never failed at something I tried except THEN, and the various times I tried to kill myself. So, out of the blue, and here i am hiv-positive, God says He has added 15 years to my life. It was a private message. I made the mistake of writing it down. The spirit of God got wind of it, and decided, as I had concluded I would die at 39, to show me I would die... miserable. So, he send me this message, "October 13". I was deflated at my parents home, going really catatonic, depressed like no one would believe. MY sister, the one who liked opening her legs to anyone and so got the disease, decided to call the one person I had respect for even if he was not my actual relative; the wife was, and I was sent to his house.
I did nothing there the whole day but sit, and play with the dogs. At my arriaval there were three of them, an old mix breed that was HUGE but on its last legs when I got there, its son, with a white coat and a black spot just over the spine near the hind legs, and, of course, the possessive ridgeback, pinky, although she was definitely brown. My cousin mavis named her.
My uncle, he had bought a plot of land, and for a while he had built a cottage and stayed in it, having two grown sons out with families of their own and only his two daughters to worry about, but when I got there, he had finished the main house, and there was a huge room for... boys.
My aunt loved inviting out of work relations to her house, male, and have them eat in her house and be a 'support' in her never ending warfare with her husband, till he would get fed up and look for jobs for them and then kick them out. I was an exception. For some weird reason, I never got along with my aunt, because i never liked women, I guess, and I could never kiss ass.
Anyway, there were three of us in this room, no four, with my uncle's crippled youunger brother. He had refused to by a bed, so , well, we slept on the floor. It was heaven, away from my mother. I would sleep on thorns.
On thursday, the 12 of october, I was having a late evening shower in the cottage. A cold one, because it was hot. I felt like a cold band had seized me around my chest and squeezed me tight, and my breath became laboured.
I went to sleep feeling like I had inhaled gallons of petrol. On friday, pus came out, in a ridge, right across my back, from under one armpit to the other. A guy who knew said it was herpes, and I should got to the clinic. I was asking myself that God gives me fifteen years so I can suffer, why the fuck does he not let me die. I did not go anywhere, I broke the skin of the boils and kept on at it for a couple of days and then, the whole thing disappeared, but there were scars, and the only ones that are visible now are near my right armpit.
Only much later, in that vision of a worm, did I get the ... point..., which took a while to sink in, "I am giving you 15 seconds to get out of here". I had tried to change people, and failed, but I could do this, I could leave for places far away where no one had ever been>
And the funny thing, just after the '15 seconds' speech, the guy, me, starts counting, from one, and then gets to ten, pauses for three beats- you KNOW I am not making this up- and then says "TEN!" and a whole horde of people start walking from the right to the left, and they even bear two coffins. Afterwards, what is exposed is me, head clear, but from the neck down covered in ice and chained from the wrists to the ground:- prince mutasa, stuck on planet earth, because of the problem of water, seeking a solution.
Now, I am sure a lot of people out there are labouring under the illusion that there is a woman that I ... love. Lets face reality. I am totally incapable of love. This should be a glaring reality to anyone who takes the time to even observe me when a woman tries to make me do what she wants and I flare up.
I had said I would regret saying that any idiot knew who I was talking about, and I assume that that made some people feel rather strong about themselves. Which explains the coming out of the imp. But what I said before, it goes, I am GOING to kill the fools. As for the woman, well, let me put it this way. I actually stated over and over again, what made me do a double take as far as she is concerned; the way she looked so woebegone when I said I would have nothing to do with her because I saw the wedding ring on her finger. I was, I confess, till a few days ago, thinking, it would be nice to have somebody who is so into you she can not imagine a life without you. She could keep me amused when I got bored. BUT, when I walked from wynberg after my last post, and saw her and the imp in a cosy tete-a-tete at the la parada, I suddenly realised one glaring truth my ego had kept from me, all these months:- Whatever interest the woman has in me, it is not ME she is interested in. So, I have no NEED to even bother myself with her.
I have to be frank, even ceased being interested in women, any women, sexually. I found out that I do not NEED anyone in my life, I like my own company too much.Besides, when you tell a woman that you are interested in her and then you find her kissing some guy, that is a LOUD message there, yes?
I did nothing there the whole day but sit, and play with the dogs. At my arriaval there were three of them, an old mix breed that was HUGE but on its last legs when I got there, its son, with a white coat and a black spot just over the spine near the hind legs, and, of course, the possessive ridgeback, pinky, although she was definitely brown. My cousin mavis named her.
My uncle, he had bought a plot of land, and for a while he had built a cottage and stayed in it, having two grown sons out with families of their own and only his two daughters to worry about, but when I got there, he had finished the main house, and there was a huge room for... boys.
My aunt loved inviting out of work relations to her house, male, and have them eat in her house and be a 'support' in her never ending warfare with her husband, till he would get fed up and look for jobs for them and then kick them out. I was an exception. For some weird reason, I never got along with my aunt, because i never liked women, I guess, and I could never kiss ass.
Anyway, there were three of us in this room, no four, with my uncle's crippled youunger brother. He had refused to by a bed, so , well, we slept on the floor. It was heaven, away from my mother. I would sleep on thorns.
On thursday, the 12 of october, I was having a late evening shower in the cottage. A cold one, because it was hot. I felt like a cold band had seized me around my chest and squeezed me tight, and my breath became laboured.
I went to sleep feeling like I had inhaled gallons of petrol. On friday, pus came out, in a ridge, right across my back, from under one armpit to the other. A guy who knew said it was herpes, and I should got to the clinic. I was asking myself that God gives me fifteen years so I can suffer, why the fuck does he not let me die. I did not go anywhere, I broke the skin of the boils and kept on at it for a couple of days and then, the whole thing disappeared, but there were scars, and the only ones that are visible now are near my right armpit.
Only much later, in that vision of a worm, did I get the ... point..., which took a while to sink in, "I am giving you 15 seconds to get out of here". I had tried to change people, and failed, but I could do this, I could leave for places far away where no one had ever been>
And the funny thing, just after the '15 seconds' speech, the guy, me, starts counting, from one, and then gets to ten, pauses for three beats- you KNOW I am not making this up- and then says "TEN!" and a whole horde of people start walking from the right to the left, and they even bear two coffins. Afterwards, what is exposed is me, head clear, but from the neck down covered in ice and chained from the wrists to the ground:- prince mutasa, stuck on planet earth, because of the problem of water, seeking a solution.
