First, let me say I have NO IDEA what 'down to the wire' actually means, but the sense of it is what almost happened yesterday.
It started out as a lark, to see if I COULD do it, and when, in the afternoon, I stood outside the fisherman's hut and saw, in the distance, Strand, and Somerset West so clearly outlined, I said to myself, "nuh, of course, I could never control the water if it were to flow up to there,so, lets forget it!"
Instantly, God answered me and said, "Where is the water?", and I thought, well, the water is in the sea, of course, and the sea is on earth, and so... uh! "... and let them have dominion over... ALL the earth", which means that, frankly, I COULD say to ANYTHING on this planet, do this and that, and it would have no choice but to obey... NONE whatsoever.
ANYTHING
So, I had to ask myself why I was so... unwilling... to let that happen, and the answer was simple... I live by the rule
Start anything the way you intend to finish it
And so, when I came HERE to RSA, it was NOT to be LORD, or to rule, but rather to die, and I tried hard... this month marks five years since I left my parental home, and my thoughts even now teeter on the brink of... suicide... because it has a certain attractiveness that is hard to shake off.
So, the fact that I had no intention nor inkling of my... nature... when I got to Mzansi, means I can not really have much of a say in whatever does not... sit well with me.
Which is why I FIRST need to have me a place I arrive at, where I am first and foremost, the LORD, and THEN, I can come back and do the judging thing, because then I will be... prepared... for that.
So, as of now
I command the Earth to make a place for me in Alaska, a warm place, with no howling winds, no biting insects, no other human inhabitants except those I bring... and no beasts of prey [ this vegetarian thing will have to wait till I wean myself from meat, and have planted the suitable trees and they have given forth fruit].
A place to my taste, near the sea.
Oh, yes, and deal with Obama, right? Kill the sucker, in an earthquake, and save for me the one I said I want as 'head of state'.
At once!
Now, what does this... mean, to those on my waiting list for doom? Well, that they WILL die, as soon as all the hiccups are sorted... although I have to say that it was NOT the thought of ... righteous revenge... that stayed my hand.
It was actually the realisation that I would unwittingly consign to death people who helped me... heal, simply because I was too... fixated on my destruction to see what they did for what it is.
take for instance the psychology student from UCT in 2010, who is the first person ever to want to... soothe... my nerves.
I mean, come on, it is not everyday that one tries to kill himself and does not succeed, and then is put in a place that so stigmatises one that one can not ever think one will ever walk with head held high among people ever again.
She came, this girl, and she talked to me, and said absolutely nothing about what brought me to Valkenberg, and THEN,when I started showing that I could not even begin to trust my senses again, and was worrying about whether she was messing with my head, she asked me if i spoke Afrikaans, and when I replied in English that I spoke a little, she then launched into a liquid flow in the tongue, and would you believe it, I actually FELT better. She was quick to grasp that I was NOT used to talking to people, and that I would tense when anyone spoke to me for an extanded period of time, and would end up trying to draw into myself, and she wanted to calm me down, which worked, but I wanted no... intimacy... I could not afford it. So, I pushed her away, and stillI can not forget the look in her eyes when she saw me last, and I recoiled, fearful of any sort of commitment.
And yet, it was the thought that such a person could see fit to... care... that made me thinK I was not so... hopeless... after all.
Then, there is the pretty nurse at Victoria Hospital, Arabic, with her EMR overalls who made a fuss of me the SECOND time I tried to die, and slit my wrists, and NO blood came out, and she recognised me and she called me by name, and I wondered about that till I concluded that she was in love with her work... till I saw how she looked forlorn when I mentioned THAT to her. But, as I said, I felt like shit, and thought there would be no tomorrow for me.
So, I walked away.
Then there is the married English chick. Now, frankly, I am not the type of person to really appreciate a person I know is NOT accessible, but what took me by surprise was the fact that when I looked at her as she wondered aroud by the posters, and she noticed me [and I went into my tense-mode, expecting her to frown or make a face at my 'presumption'], she stared at me in the same sense of surprise as I had, and I saw that she carried a burden, and being an ugly man, I quickly realised that it had to do with how people responded to her looks.
I have never seen a person more miserable, and the funny thing is, she had NOTHING wong with her. So, she has sea-blue eyes, and has a brow that sort of juts out, but all in a beautiful, refined way, and I thought... "so what?", and she seemed to be saying, "its too late."
yeah, right!
I am a twenty-first century man who can NOT die, and one tells me about impossible? Fuck that!
She comes with me.
Then there is the girl who stunned me when I was working at the... metal-and-beads thing.
And thanked me when I told her, without thinking about the possible responses that my comment could elicit, that she did not have the customary arrogance of a Capetonian.
She took it all so seriously, and accepted it as a compliment, though, of course, certain people could have thought of it as my being... uppity.
I first thought there was something wrong with her, but as I have grown comfortable with the fact that, when I am not focusing on it, my true nature surfaces, I find that she was already responding to the... LORD... in me.
Then there is, of course, this other chick who bought, at the same place, key-rings I had made.
Now, frankly, again, I hated going there,because I was gradually becoming aware that somewhere above me I was having my back skinned and everything I did analysed and treated with contempt, and so, when she was busying the stuff, I only wanted to be elsewhere, and when there was the issue of change, i gladly departed to get some, and she... covered me... by not accepting it.
maybe that did not come out right, but, well, let me just say she is a beautiful blonde, and though young for my taste, I think I could really... .
Anyway, that means there are twenty three women, and I do not know if the ones who constantly parade around second-guessing me are still doing so, because I wonder if butt-head's mom would show her true mind, and come out in the open.
Kinda wonder, though, because she seems to want the... safe thing.
Nicky?... would be unwise to show herself up first, coz we have a history!
