Ever since I made up my mind that I would NOT second-guess God, I have been jolted out of my comfort zone and been forced to confront things I never thought I would have to face because all along I was in a form of "combat mode", where any day could be my last.
Now, I happened {please do not ask me where, because you would not believe me anyway} to be seated next to this blonde lady for a while, and she reminded me of Nicky?'s mother, and I was asking myself whether the mom would ever be pleased with me, if the improbable happened and she happened to wind up with me, and I had virtually threatened her daughter with death?
She may be afraid of me for a while, but, like everyone ele, she would get over it... familiarity breeds contempt... enough, at least to show her true colours. And I would have to kill HER, which would be a waste of investment.
More to the point, I figured to myself that I would NOT be happy if the... enigmatic... Nicky?, whom I can not seem to shake off from my mind, was not in my life, regardless that there are other, beautiful women included.
So, she has a kid... mmm. Female, I suppose. Well, if she is young enough, then I suppose, if she comes along she will be... preserved enough to probably be the... only virgin... I ever encounter, because I do not believe there is such a thing as chastity among teens and such anymore.
And I was never searching for any, anyway, since I was never interested in life that way.
Sex began as a means to an end, and the end was, and unfortunately still remains, death: I will be honest, if God ever relaxed His hold on me even for a single instant, I would kiss life goodbye that very same moment and die, because not only do I know that i will have to pay the supreme price of watching my mother die, but also I know I will never change; waht moves me is rage, rage at my impotence as far as death is concerned.
I do not hate God, no, I am grateful to Him for bothering, and because He does not judge me at all, I can carry on, but if He ever showed that He thought I was too much of a burden, or that He was weary of me, I would exit the place... and life... instantly.
Now, I wonder if Nicky? is as God showed me... because yes, it WAS God, which means that the other black-haired chick will have to come as well, meaning I will have 18 females with me?
man, maybe she should just give me the cold shoulder and I can just ignore her, her mom, and her sister and stuff, and then come back and kill the lot.
I could just kill butt-head instantly, and get it done with. Then I wont have to worry!
