It is with a rather grim humour that I realise that every time I refuse to take matters into my own hands, an I look up to God, somebody takes advantage.
because they have their own perceptions of how things should be, and what kind of insect am I that I should take God as if he were in my own pocket;- me, a mountain dweller, the lowest of all scum, et.c.
Of course, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, right, and if I WAS trying to ram that opinion of mine down everyone else's throat, it would be understandable, but I am merely stating what I see, and basically living my life on the merest of threads, because all I have to keep me going to begin with is God Himself, which is not that much of an advantage when viewed from the stance that God ... involves... Himself according to His own directives, and that regardless of HOW sympathetic He might be, He is still got His won agenda and He is not as involved in the day to day lives of us mere ... dust.
So, from my point of view, I am likely the MOST accursed of all people, at the moment, because I have all the burdens that come with being God's ... choice... and none of the advantages.
if you take it that 'ad-vantage' means something that gives one a 'one-up' on the opposition, then I am actually the one everyone else has an advantage over, and I am swelling with bitterness at the moment.
Bitterness that has been growing for a LOOOOONG time now.
First, I should have been left to die at an early age, but NO, God had to make one of His executive decisions and give me this... thing, that onlyb works to MY advantage when that is in line with God's ... view... of what 'the man' should be;-inflexible, and NOT giving in to women's demands/commands.
I would have given in to my mother's demands, and made one huge lumpsum of money and given it to her, and the rest been left over as tithes, and then died, but God had to step in and "show" me that there was NO such opening.
And do you think after that He was concerned? Hell, no, the NEXT time He... acted was when a woman suggested that I reconcile with my mother, and He left the silly girl with NO doubt just how He classed me, but then, all I am to Him is His... possession, someone to fight over when a woman threatens.
I have lived a miserable life, and right now I wonder what even a bath-tub feels like, because I have been a long time without being in one.
But that is not all about my fun-filled life;- there are people who actually read my posts, sit down in groups to chat about how.. presumptuous I am and all that, and then they decide to impress upon me, literally, their own thoughts about how I should behave, and they show up, coming from their luxurious homes, driving fancy or drab cars, and try to get int into my thick skull what an idiot I REALLY am, and when they see -not realising WHY- that my hands are tied concerning action against them, they rubbish me off as a mere talker, and I find myself caught between a rock and a hard place, with God and His insufferable arrogance hedging me in and making it impossible for me to make any headway as a .. person, and the people wondering why I am all talk and no action, and hurting me all the more for it.
So, God hates me for what I am NOT, and the people hater me for what I also am not, and each group seeks to drag me the way they think I should go.
Most High God, You were very... explicit... in how You view people, in that You said "I know the plans I have for you, plans for peace, plans for good and not for evil... to give you a FUTURE and an expected end", which means the .. present does NOT interest You that much, right?
But I am hurting here because of Your uncalled for, unwanted... interest ... in my life, where because You have this fixed perception of what You expect me to be, You totally ignore the person I AM, and continuously use me as a pincushion when You seek to impress on me what I should want. How can I have a future and... hope... when I have a present and no hope, when You are the MAJOR reason why I am always groaning. I may have a choice of the world I should want, but what a choice is that, God when it all boils down to a complete rejection of everything I want.
Please, just let me die.Please, please, please. I am SO tired God, of having You in my life, and having to be a laughingstock of everyone and everything, and even when I point it out, You just do NOT care;- I am to You nothi8ng more than a mindless possession and if i stink to high heaven because You, who said You care 'for my life' [which means that I continue breathing at all costs, regardless of the poor quality of life] make sure that NOTHING makes me die; or if, like at present, I spend days on end with no food because You refuse to let me labour for anything and prosper/ get anything for it - after all, You DID say I am an 'academic', which means nothing I do is practical; or if I have to be mute and watch as people who regard me as a charlatan walk all over me and I can do nothing about it;- well, to You that is just fine, right, because You have my... back.
Why do YOU hate me so, God, that You should make me such a.. thing?
Do You, Who claims to SEE everything, not SEE just what an impossible life You are letting me live, and do You not THINK it is high time You backed off a bit and let me have some breathing room?
God, Your way sucks, and whatever else has to be settled over the course of this week, what WILL emerge i.e., either me dead, or You totally handing over the power to dictate my life as I see fit, without this 'academic' nonsense to stop me from exacting revenge as I want to.
So, I WILL either kill people, and take my time about it, as I SEE fit, becausde my HURT is not going to go away by mere substitution, OR You will have to rethink Your... views and let me die, because I am NOT the person You take me for.
One way or the other, this sorry nonsense ends, this week, and You have all the say about how it does:- Your way or mine!
