I am happy.
That is a profound statement.
I have, after years of mistrust and confusion, worked out how God sees me, and how I ... 'see'.
True, God came and started talking more that 15 years ago, and would not answer WHY He was involved, but He has been showing me the reason through and through.
True, I blamed Him for letting my life go down into the dumps, but I should have blamed a Jaguar Sovereign car, lime green, for that:-
Because when I was attempting the Goldbach Conjecture, and would have given everything to my mother and God for 'His troubles', I used to see this sleek jaguar for sale, Z$300,000.00 [at the rate of US$1m=Z$11 at the time] and for once in my life I wanted something for myself, and so, as soon as I realised that the car and my mother's grasping did NOT go hand in hand, I KNEW that one thing or the other had to go. What I was not sure about was whether God wanted to make me conform or had... other ideas.
And, of course, i am living as i am because I can NOT ... rise... till my mother and issues of her, are out of the way, and THAT is the only way I can become interested in .... other things, like, of course, tyhe age of the earth and the marvelous breadth and depth of God's... thinking.
Ever since He proved Himself true to His word by making me this... resilient and indestructible person, ever since He said that in everything He was 'starting with the man in the mirror' [meaning, if one looks at it positively, that He saw me as an imge of Himself], I have... hoped that He would provide the ... something better... that I needed and could not find in this world order.
And, I was really upset the other time that the sexy lady who enabled me to give the... finger to allison, seemed to be ... involved... with someone else. Had God lied? Was He looking so much down on me that He would let me take someone who was not free to be mine but I had to work for, to get, when I have a dim opinion of women anyway?
But, I have discovered one thing, that what matters to me matters a great deal to God, and therefore, if He says she is suitable, I do NOT have to double-check, because she would have all the pre-requisites to NOT make my life a burden.
Which is something allsion did NOT grasp, when I instantly accepted the blonde 'employment' woman, because apparently she thought that posturing before me, with tyhe warts on her face, and that long neck of hers, would make her acceptable, when in effect it was how the woman reacted to ME when ahe saw me, and left me in no doubt about how my... opinion, of her mattered a whole lot to her.
Which of course is the crux of the matter;- women who listen even when I do not speak, and strive to show me that they will ALWAYS pay attention to me, instead of judging by appearance.
Like woman number 19, who, it slowly seeped into my mind, after i turned away from her, refusing to have her take me for some beggar, even though I was dressed the part with my coat-of-many-fire-holes drapped over me, waited till she saw me and sydney about to leave, and went and spent a whole 20 or so minutes waiting for us in the path she knew we would take, and then engaged the other guy in conversation, and not, cursiously, me, as if she refused to directly address me, as if she was... afraid of me, but desired that i know she was NOT just another tourist. Fact that she ALSO turned out to be an artist, was blonde and French, and thus enabled me to give the 'inkfish design studio ' Beatles-look alike French girl with her staid face and horizontal gash for a moutyh the finger, was something... extra, and while THAT suited me and made HER acceptable, the thing that made HER want to have something to do with me was the fact that I apparently have something she needs.
Which means I do not have to look, worry, or wonder if she, and the other 18, will have other agendas aside form me, and my .... approval.
Which would, of course, bring me to the mysterious woman number 20.
Now, keep in mind the "i am giving you 15 seconds to get out of here' vision, and if one remembers how God uses the same statement over and over again to cover all levels, then one will understand that THAT statement applies even here, even as it did to get me out of S/Town.
Only this time, it is a ... complet fulfilment that awaits.
Now, I have been saying something over and over about butt-head's mom, how she has behaved towards me so... respectfully, and never, like allison, tried to over-ride my prerogative but always focused on me, not on God or my fixation with Him. Whenever she saw me angry, it would not be, like with michelle, a wait-till-God-deals-with-him attitude she would take, but rather she would try to soothe me, not just wait it out. I have numersoue examples of this, and everytime I would back down, and not carry out what i initially intended.
BUT
See, the thing is, I have focused on making michelle pay for her presumption, and THIS is not about butt-head's mom, respectful as she may be.
I will, now that I have no confusion, show how some things came about.
First, when I thought of drawing michelle out, God would show me that she had a friend, the same one that went and bad-mouthed me at happy valley, but she was a... depressed person and thus easy to sway for someone like manipulative michelle.
So, I asked to see her,. and I explained all that. The following day, in an effort to have the woman michelle come out in the open, I 'wrote' on my blogspot that I would welcome them both, if they would come, but that afternoon, going to happy valley for lunch, I came across a couple, hand in hand, and the words to Sean Paul's song, "Like Glue" came into my mind there and then, and were the 'permission' I needed to vent out my aggression on the pair, butt-head and michelle:
them better move fast, before we get cross
and, of course, that vision with the guy whose eyes would turn to a cross and become bleak - the green "BY YOUR POWERS COMBINED" vision- leapt into mind, and I decided that nicky? would be better served if she had a friend who was michelle's size and had her own hair colour, and so, I called that one.
And her actions ... pleased me.
But I had reservations about nicky? because what I wanted, at the time, was a clean sweep of all the women in butt-head's life, and THAT way I would keep from personally killing him, although he would die annyway, because
1) NO living person can withstand me in a dry or weapons fight, anytijme, anyday, so it would be a waste of time to group the fools and kill them/prove that to them, and
2) I wanted to show the arsehole that he and the woman who he made such a meal of, were contemptible, and beneath me, and I would NOT lower myself to either of their standards.
so, because God showed me her upper body, and the nose thing, and then later the other sister's ass, and then, presumably, the slim one as well, and finally, the daughter of nicky?, I wanted these for myself, so that I would prove the adage true, 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'.
But I also wanted the Latino, AND the small one with the red cheeks. THESE five women and a child would be enough for me to walk away and just not soil my hands with taking michelle and the guys apart, because, as i explained, if I START doing something, I end upo devel;oping an appetite for it, and would be severely tempted to just kill indiscriminately, which , with my unstable nature as far as people are concerned, would make me womanless in no time.
So, that means, if butt-head;s mom will come out in the open, and actually take steps to DO something that shows she is unequivocally on MY side, i will NOT personally kill her kids. If not, then I get to ask for a replacement, and I WILL wipe out everyone, and not rest till every member of the osc is dead, by my hand.
I will wait till tomorrow, and then....!
As I said, there are NO rules as to how I should proceed. I do what I see fit!
