This has got to be one of those things that one gets to do and does not really have his heart in it. Yesterday was the same, and the only reason why I wrote anything was, simply because God woke me up with a word, to show that it does not matter what is written, but if a person can not stand me, the person, what kind of future, life, can that person ever build with me?... but today, well, I have to say that even when, smack in the middle of the night, He reminded me of the origins of stuff, I had to say, even then, that it was a waste of time. I have resigned myself to a life where I am a loner, and frankly, something in me is so torn that I have no more room for procrastination. There is NO reason to stay here, no need to keep my unhappiness private anymore. I am moving out, and frankly, time is up for all of you...
Well, most anyway!
So, God took me down memory lane, last night, and showed me something that He highlighted way back when when I had no idea, or rather, prefered to keep right at the back of my mind, what He had done to me as a child, and well, He did show my hunger for... something:-
I have a nephew, my elder sister's firstborn son, who, because of the weird nature of the relationship between my sister and her husband- anything that involves my mother HAS to be weird, and by God, that woman has a lot to answer for, and when I go, I am not going to to avoid her as I at first thought, I am going to eyeball her, and we will be 1v1, and she will have chapter and verse, and she will know why in the coming years every morsel she eats will be with anguish, because she made the one mistake of her life and assumed that I could be included in the number of people she did with as she pleased and could get away with it- was born, and raised at my parents' place, and he is the ONLY human being whose birth and growth I actually oversaw and participated in. Used to think the world of me, did D, and I remember the way I used to carry him around, but then, he was born wrong time, around my crisis when i had met God, and so, I was withdrawing into myself, battening down, afraid that God was out to use me for others' benefit, and also at the same time wondering why, if it was God, He was behaving more like an adviser than the "You will do as I command" Almighty God i had tried to avoid all my growing years.
Anyway, long story short, one day I took what will be the one walk I and my nephew took that will stick out in memory, because I was at that time sort of letting go, and I had looked at the kid, and was now seeing the fruit of him sitting in when my mother talked about me in my absence, and I knew that soon I would see nothing but contempt, and so, he was walking a bit in front of me as we started homeward, hand in hand,and that was when, in a heartrending ... tone... God, as if to highlight a possible future, asked me, via the lyrics of the song, "And I said what about, breakfast at Tiffany's", and I knew He had seen and acknowledged that all I really wanted was someone that thought the world of me, that would look up to me regardless... and someone I could stand on my own, that I could look in the eye and not feel my hackles rise because i read people, in their entirety, before I even open my mouth to say a word to them...
There has existed only one person that I, in the real world, could stand, but I suppose that she has got her head wrapped on the fact that she is jewish and so, somehow god kow-tows to them jews, and also, since when she first showed up she had a wedding ring and all that rubbish, then it means that even from the beginning, she assumed that I was ... wrong... that God was on her side, and i needed to be educated by her on the true nature of things. It never occurred to her to let God fight His own battles, and she and her ilk hounded me from one dawn to the other, and would not let up, until my ambivalence crystallised into a relentless hatred for them, and everything about them. I am going to show them the true nature of things, that the person on the ground, the bumbling idiot they thought was so wrong he needed their correction to just get by, is going to be the END of their lives as i send them to hell simply for the hell of it.
Which is why I say that this is a waste of time, and I am tired of these side-trips of God's that to me bear no fruit. the woman has NO shame, and the woman thinks I should be part of the servant-hood that brings glory to the jews, for some weird reason, and also, well, she showed me that if I ever , ever had the nerve to threaten her mother she would show her claws, which is part of the reason the gallery woman is so smug and assumes that she is safe...
Well, hell, God, I think it would be easier for me to just kill them now and stop wasting my time. I am not going to spare a single member of her family anyway, regardless of how she feels about it, and frankly, I want to strangle the B3. It would give me so much satisfaction to dispel for ever the myth the silly gallery woman labours under that because she is jewish she is protected. I cant stand her, and for me, THAT is all that is necessary to write a death certificate, with trimmings.
I am tired, oh, God... .
Toy with me no more.
Well, most anyway!
I have a nephew, my elder sister's firstborn son, who, because of the weird nature of the relationship between my sister and her husband- anything that involves my mother HAS to be weird, and by God, that woman has a lot to answer for, and when I go, I am not going to to avoid her as I at first thought, I am going to eyeball her, and we will be 1v1, and she will have chapter and verse, and she will know why in the coming years every morsel she eats will be with anguish, because she made the one mistake of her life and assumed that I could be included in the number of people she did with as she pleased and could get away with it- was born, and raised at my parents' place, and he is the ONLY human being whose birth and growth I actually oversaw and participated in. Used to think the world of me, did D, and I remember the way I used to carry him around, but then, he was born wrong time, around my crisis when i had met God, and so, I was withdrawing into myself, battening down, afraid that God was out to use me for others' benefit, and also at the same time wondering why, if it was God, He was behaving more like an adviser than the "You will do as I command" Almighty God i had tried to avoid all my growing years.
Anyway, long story short, one day I took what will be the one walk I and my nephew took that will stick out in memory, because I was at that time sort of letting go, and I had looked at the kid, and was now seeing the fruit of him sitting in when my mother talked about me in my absence, and I knew that soon I would see nothing but contempt, and so, he was walking a bit in front of me as we started homeward, hand in hand,and that was when, in a heartrending ... tone... God, as if to highlight a possible future, asked me, via the lyrics of the song, "And I said what about, breakfast at Tiffany's", and I knew He had seen and acknowledged that all I really wanted was someone that thought the world of me, that would look up to me regardless... and someone I could stand on my own, that I could look in the eye and not feel my hackles rise because i read people, in their entirety, before I even open my mouth to say a word to them...
There has existed only one person that I, in the real world, could stand, but I suppose that she has got her head wrapped on the fact that she is jewish and so, somehow god kow-tows to them jews, and also, since when she first showed up she had a wedding ring and all that rubbish, then it means that even from the beginning, she assumed that I was ... wrong... that God was on her side, and i needed to be educated by her on the true nature of things. It never occurred to her to let God fight His own battles, and she and her ilk hounded me from one dawn to the other, and would not let up, until my ambivalence crystallised into a relentless hatred for them, and everything about them. I am going to show them the true nature of things, that the person on the ground, the bumbling idiot they thought was so wrong he needed their correction to just get by, is going to be the END of their lives as i send them to hell simply for the hell of it.
Which is why I say that this is a waste of time, and I am tired of these side-trips of God's that to me bear no fruit. the woman has NO shame, and the woman thinks I should be part of the servant-hood that brings glory to the jews, for some weird reason, and also, well, she showed me that if I ever , ever had the nerve to threaten her mother she would show her claws, which is part of the reason the gallery woman is so smug and assumes that she is safe...
Well, hell, God, I think it would be easier for me to just kill them now and stop wasting my time. I am not going to spare a single member of her family anyway, regardless of how she feels about it, and frankly, I want to strangle the B3. It would give me so much satisfaction to dispel for ever the myth the silly gallery woman labours under that because she is jewish she is protected. I cant stand her, and for me, THAT is all that is necessary to write a death certificate, with trimmings.
I am tired, oh, God... .
