I was supposed to go to hospital, False Bay, which is a precondition, I suppose, to me being given money to go home by people from vinnie's church. For a check up of my chest. Now, I suppose someone would assume that I am afraid of skeletons in the closet, but I have never done anything that I would NOT do again if the situation were to appear. I would be glad, for example, if I found out that I had TB, because I would then go, read up on it and try to find out the various ways to speed up the infection, and thus, hopefully, die quicker.
I really do not give a fuck about life, and I was trying to explain just THAT to vinnie and his pastor yesterday when they came to where I normally sit with obert, and would be glad if God would turn His focus from me and maybe give it to some other person, people who actually think, for example, that it is their right. I wouldn't mind, because the simple truth is, no matter what, no matter the alternative, if death was the other side of the coin, I would much rather be dead.
I may as well have been speaking to myself, because, of course, there came up all these various explanations, about joseph and him spending a long time in prison and then being used to help his brethren, and I almost said, THATS my fucking point, I am NOT interested, not now, not ever, in helping anyone, and the weird thing is that I have this THING that He has fostered on me to keep me alive no matter what, and so, no matter what may be afflicting me, I will get over it, because to God it is a matter of professional pride to KEEP me alive, regardless of what I may think about it. I am NOT meant to be some kind of servant who will come out of prison to help people, I am meant, from what I have been gloomily discovering, to, if I can overlook the death wish a bit, make sure that NO ONE else remains alive on this planet, simply because from where I stand it is intolerable for me to ever, with no interest whatsoever, do something to get people close to God, since that would be like God saved my life from an early age because He had plans to make sure that I could be of benefit to other people.
people I do not give a fuck about. So God would have been overlooking me, and focusing on other people, and wanting their p[prosperity, and I would be a means to an end. Well, I am sure plenty of people would be thrilled to be so ... used, but i would, and do, give Him the finger if that is the case. Right now, I am a bit curious. He almost literally said i would never go back home, and He has been on and on about Him not letting me fall - that is being given into the hands of people for them to do as they wish with me- but then, He appears so relaxed about His promise about a "place", and so, since I am not, really, when you get down to it, interested in trying to force Him to honour His word and fulfil His promise, I am dead set on getting home, and if I do get there, then well, fuck Him, this is not and never was my business. I am just NOT interested in either the affairs of people or of God. I just hate being where I am, and would rather be gone, far far away.
So, I mean, the funny thing is that people can not quite get the ... difference... between me and everyone else, and always try to put me int that box that they themselves are in. I am ill, so must see a doctor. But I LIKE it like that:- I actually HOPE I die. Of course not, dont be ridiculous, you need to get well. I have never been in a hospital of my own volition, and taking this life that I do not give a fuck about and trying to pretend that I am or will CARE about it, hell, fuck that, that is not me. If He is going to keep me alive, I am going to give Him plenty of work just doing it.
Before I went to prison, I used to complain, even to people:- I do not like this, do not dress like that, do not talk to those people, I hate you associating with those males, because i am jealous, but NOW, now I do not give a fuck. I am NOT going to argue with some piece of shit who thinks he or she has a better grasp what is going on in my head than I do, and that all i need is to be civilised about stuff. cant handle things my way, well, drop dead.
It is a bit ironic that the same God Who is getting my blood to boil is also interested in making me the All- Powerful Being that does exactly what He likes, so, well, life is NOT fair. I am GOING to have my way. Whether anyone likes it or not. It is a given. I do not like God, but I have come to respect the fact that He WILL keep His word, even if I may not like the WAY He does it. I fucking hate THAT, because so far all I have known is the back of His hand as far as peace is concerned. Its so fucking annoying, and I do not even want to be involved.
Reminds me of the vision that went, "by your powers combined I AM... FIND THEM!!!", like on one hand I was saying that I am now a sort of lord, like a captain planet, because I can not abide to be held under, but on the other hand there are some fools that have seriously pissed me off that NEED to be dealt with... in the most horrible manner possible. Hell, people, stop being clever. trying to play human chess games with me only makes me more and more aware of you, and trust me, the more i focus on you, the worse my plans get, and trust me, I KNOW that over the horizon is looming a fate for you that will make your worst nightmares seem like a pleasant summer excursion. You really do not want to get entangled with me. I am NOT and will NEVER be like you!
