My father snaps his fingers and expects that I will comply because now I NEED something from him, and I begin to backtrack SIMPLY for that reason, because I never could accept terms and conditions, and now, I just had a brief chat/meeting with the leader of the hit squad and told him that I was NOT going to accept what he had to offer... I think... and he told me to be ... reasonable.
They have done the classic divide and conquer, smartly alienated me from vinnie by dint of never ever taking him as of any account, made me question every decision of mine and make everything seem like there was NO other option, that I had to accpet and get blood on my hands.
Now, dont get me wrong, I have a wry eye on God and I am like, You know I wanted for a long time to dismember mike on my own, and after the last stupid episode, I really have been longing for a chance to do something TO him personally, and decided he was not worth it and now the same thing is being dangled in front of me, "wanna go home, then we take his scalp".
Funny.
Of course, MY enemies are dead, that goes without saying, but now I am ready to weep with frustration, because I know of no way to get myself OUT of the situation I am in and progress to the next stage because there are several things missing that would make my transition possible.
All this reminds me is of something else, and the fact that if God gets to the point of saying, to me, when I am being torn to pieces by the vultures who assume that they now have a piece of meat to grab and goibble because I am not moving from a certain point,
"I can understand how, it feels to be alone/ I will take your burden, if you'll let Me love you/ I will take your burden, and give your heart a home",
well, I can say that I really, really could use His assistance at this point, because vain is the help of man.
He made a promise to me ages ago, about a place which the president of 'turkey' had prepared, and turkey was the place the ark landed on, yes?
then I get 10 years to build my own... kind of ark... which then takes off, and presumably, ought to land in the land that it has a place prepared for it.
QED=> I need to go from HERE to... THERE... where the 'ark' will land, and it is getting anything off the ground that is so, so... impossible.
I do not think the problem is with God, because well, I have discovered that He does watch over His word to perform it. I am just wondering, here, desperate as I am, just, please, how much longer do I have to take bullshit, and what is it going to take to get me to... depart... from South Africa.
I am sick of being involved in the silly games of silly blind fools that could never see the truth even if they were to walk in and find it eating their breakfast.
Yet they say this, that He opens a way where there is none, He makes a way even in the sea, and right now, my increasingly blurry vision is focused on Him, to get me out of this hole, and set me on my path.
Father, I DO need Your help.
I know a lot of these people who read this, who see me walking, think You hate me, but it would be... NICE... to show off just how much You care, and still their tongues, and make them bow their heads in the dust for ever.
I have looked to You and You alone, and I know there is not real, lasting help but such as comes from You, so, I have left not only the door open but everything else within access.
I am done walking solo.
I am ready to ... trust ...You
Help!
I do remember, before I left home, when I prayed with... a friend... and we wanted You to help us be better people, how You immediately responded with the words, "to him who orders his conduct aright I will show the salvation of God", and, well, all I know is that everything comes from You, that no matter how big/small, insignificant/serious a dispute, if You are on ONE side then no matter who ranges against You, they will not prevail.
You claimed me for Yourself, You said. It would be nice to see the practical side of it, because You do not speak idle words, but no word returns to You void without having accomplished its purpose.
You are all I have. Surely that is more than enough.
End the ambiguity, because MY right comes from You, not from anything I may do, and definitely NOT from trying to convince anyone:- which is why I do not even bother.
They have done the classic divide and conquer, smartly alienated me from vinnie by dint of never ever taking him as of any account, made me question every decision of mine and make everything seem like there was NO other option, that I had to accpet and get blood on my hands.
Now, dont get me wrong, I have a wry eye on God and I am like, You know I wanted for a long time to dismember mike on my own, and after the last stupid episode, I really have been longing for a chance to do something TO him personally, and decided he was not worth it and now the same thing is being dangled in front of me, "wanna go home, then we take his scalp".
Funny.
All this reminds me is of something else, and the fact that if God gets to the point of saying, to me, when I am being torn to pieces by the vultures who assume that they now have a piece of meat to grab and goibble because I am not moving from a certain point,
"I can understand how, it feels to be alone/ I will take your burden, if you'll let Me love you/ I will take your burden, and give your heart a home",
well, I can say that I really, really could use His assistance at this point, because vain is the help of man.
He made a promise to me ages ago, about a place which the president of 'turkey' had prepared, and turkey was the place the ark landed on, yes?
then I get 10 years to build my own... kind of ark... which then takes off, and presumably, ought to land in the land that it has a place prepared for it.
QED=> I need to go from HERE to... THERE... where the 'ark' will land, and it is getting anything off the ground that is so, so... impossible.
I do not think the problem is with God, because well, I have discovered that He does watch over His word to perform it. I am just wondering, here, desperate as I am, just, please, how much longer do I have to take bullshit, and what is it going to take to get me to... depart... from South Africa.
I am sick of being involved in the silly games of silly blind fools that could never see the truth even if they were to walk in and find it eating their breakfast.
Yet they say this, that He opens a way where there is none, He makes a way even in the sea, and right now, my increasingly blurry vision is focused on Him, to get me out of this hole, and set me on my path.
I know a lot of these people who read this, who see me walking, think You hate me, but it would be... NICE... to show off just how much You care, and still their tongues, and make them bow their heads in the dust for ever.
I have looked to You and You alone, and I know there is not real, lasting help but such as comes from You, so, I have left not only the door open but everything else within access.
I am done walking solo.
I am ready to ... trust ...You
Help!
I do remember, before I left home, when I prayed with... a friend... and we wanted You to help us be better people, how You immediately responded with the words, "to him who orders his conduct aright I will show the salvation of God", and, well, all I know is that everything comes from You, that no matter how big/small, insignificant/serious a dispute, if You are on ONE side then no matter who ranges against You, they will not prevail.
You claimed me for Yourself, You said. It would be nice to see the practical side of it, because You do not speak idle words, but no word returns to You void without having accomplished its purpose.
You are all I have. Surely that is more than enough.
End the ambiguity, because MY right comes from You, not from anything I may do, and definitely NOT from trying to convince anyone:- which is why I do not even bother.
