I was almost literally begging God for just ONE small favour, just the ONE thing and I would be a good little boy if I could just get ... THAT.. and, well, when He responded and let me know that such a thing could not be, I had to, have to, ask myself if He is really, really aware of the fact that some of us, unless He relinquishes all power into my hands, will never be able to cope with the day to day demands of ... life.
I had discovered, to my chagrin, that when i would have switched the button on for me to... how shall I say it... morph... into a killing machine, nothing had happened. All day. And it was not because I was short of people trying their luck on me. I mean, they were falling out of the trees in their eagerness to let me know just how much they knew better than me what should be, and I was like, enough of this bullshit, and yet, when I wanted to go on a killing spree, it just never happened.
Now, whether you may like it or not,
I never change my mind,
and while I fully grasped that the majority of the reason why I was still unable to perform much lay in the fact that vinnie was so conspicuously present- and his removal was the ONE thing that I was asking God over and over for, and i could take out these fools all on my own- there was something else, like it was not really, REALLY... how can I say this in a manner that will not sound as shocking as it actually is... ALLOWED.
And God took me down to the beginning of things, and i was like, duh, so, when cain spilled abel's blood and the earth opened up to swallow the lifeblood of the guy, God ended up cursing him and saying he would have no rest on the earth, because of that.
And, hell, me, all I want is to have this entire charade over and put my feet up and relax, and have my peace on earth at the end of it all.
So, I can not kill anyone. Or at least make that person bleed to death. Now, because I already have a sort of nanny who is my minder and who over-rides me from time to time, also, I find i can not really argue much against the fact that I will just have to speak, and people will die, although, of course, I would very much have wanted to make sure that I was the last thing that certain people saw before they went to hell.
But, hell, I suppose that is a pleasure that I will have to forego, and so, while I am quite willing to do that, I am rather at a loss as to what to do ... NOW.
So, I was thinking, and hell, what I would have liked to do is send fools like mike-hell, I hate the bastard, and I think that if it comes right down to it i will happily kill him, and everyone that the slut used to try to get me to behave just so that I could show that I answer to no living person, and fuck the fact that she may be a virgin- she has behaved like, and to me remains, a slut, and I hate her so much that I would be very pleased to dash all her dreams to the ground and remain alone for the rest of my days just so that I can say that I sent her to an eternity in hell, where she is no longer so eager to overlook me and still think that somehow there is a link between the two of us. I mean, I see her in the street, and I want to kill her, how the fuck could it even be, even in her besotted mind, that she would think there is a power or authority that will intervene and make me change my mind and leave her in one piece?
I can not stand her, and well, she has long known that I had made up my mind to kill all of hers, and I wonder if she is still stupid enough to assume that I will be swayed by the mere thought that she has what I could not find if I had to throw a stone in a room full of adult women.
Hell, I wonder if she ever takes stock of herself, and sees herself in all her ugly nature, and so, weighs her past actions on the scales that a moral person would have used; would a certain person have acted in a certain manner to someone that she was hoping to have for herself? NO, and so, that is it for me. I judge her by her actions, and as such she is guilty, guilty, guilty, and I will be very glad to end her miserable life forthwith.
I find nothing attractive in her.
Just Damaged Goods.
So, I sit here and I ponder over what will be, and I find it all really really annoying, that He should decide to enlighten me about the impossibility of me shedding blood, and also, point out just how I will never get that chance to kill, and then leave me to work out another exit strategy that means I do not necessarily have to have people squeal like stuck pigs...!
Ah, fuck, I hate God's sense of timing, and the fact that He always has to have some clever, solid reason that He wisely chooses NOT to tell you at the beginning and then you find out about it when you are already committed to a course of action.
He has not let me kill anyone... yet, and while I am no stranger to ways and means of ending life suddenly should tyhe need arise, the theory has never been put into practice, and so, I see the trends behind all that."
Crafty, is what He is, and well, I guess I can go back to hating Him.
Maybe i should just leave. After all, someone assumed she had the God-given task to stop me from departing, and used all dirty whiles and means to keep me in my 'place'. Hell, I should just depart and send them to hell as i leave, because i certainly am fed up with keeping my anger bottled in.
And, just so that we all know where we stand, som,e clown decides that, since i am going to see my mom with a Nissan HardBody, he/she will park that one smack in my face as I go to the library, and then opposite monique's restaurant/thing when I am in kalk bay.
Maybe I SHOULD say this, just so that it is out there:-
I have decided that all of you people are dying... NOW, and ONCE you are dead, and most of you have been sent alive to hell just because it suits my mojo, I will THEN go looking for a car to take me home. I do NOT accept anything from anyone, because all I see right now is a bunch of dead people that are still confused about it.
When I do say that you are dead, mark my words, you ARE dead, and there is nothing that will keep you alive and walking on this planet much longer, because I , well, I have decided to make this MY domain, just for the hell of it... !
I had discovered, to my chagrin, that when i would have switched the button on for me to... how shall I say it... morph... into a killing machine, nothing had happened. All day. And it was not because I was short of people trying their luck on me. I mean, they were falling out of the trees in their eagerness to let me know just how much they knew better than me what should be, and I was like, enough of this bullshit, and yet, when I wanted to go on a killing spree, it just never happened.
Now, whether you may like it or not,
I never change my mind,
and while I fully grasped that the majority of the reason why I was still unable to perform much lay in the fact that vinnie was so conspicuously present- and his removal was the ONE thing that I was asking God over and over for, and i could take out these fools all on my own- there was something else, like it was not really, REALLY... how can I say this in a manner that will not sound as shocking as it actually is... ALLOWED.
And God took me down to the beginning of things, and i was like, duh, so, when cain spilled abel's blood and the earth opened up to swallow the lifeblood of the guy, God ended up cursing him and saying he would have no rest on the earth, because of that.
And, hell, me, all I want is to have this entire charade over and put my feet up and relax, and have my peace on earth at the end of it all.
So, I can not kill anyone. Or at least make that person bleed to death. Now, because I already have a sort of nanny who is my minder and who over-rides me from time to time, also, I find i can not really argue much against the fact that I will just have to speak, and people will die, although, of course, I would very much have wanted to make sure that I was the last thing that certain people saw before they went to hell.
But, hell, I suppose that is a pleasure that I will have to forego, and so, while I am quite willing to do that, I am rather at a loss as to what to do ... NOW.
So, I was thinking, and hell, what I would have liked to do is send fools like mike-hell, I hate the bastard, and I think that if it comes right down to it i will happily kill him, and everyone that the slut used to try to get me to behave just so that I could show that I answer to no living person, and fuck the fact that she may be a virgin- she has behaved like, and to me remains, a slut, and I hate her so much that I would be very pleased to dash all her dreams to the ground and remain alone for the rest of my days just so that I can say that I sent her to an eternity in hell, where she is no longer so eager to overlook me and still think that somehow there is a link between the two of us. I mean, I see her in the street, and I want to kill her, how the fuck could it even be, even in her besotted mind, that she would think there is a power or authority that will intervene and make me change my mind and leave her in one piece?
I can not stand her, and well, she has long known that I had made up my mind to kill all of hers, and I wonder if she is still stupid enough to assume that I will be swayed by the mere thought that she has what I could not find if I had to throw a stone in a room full of adult women.
Hell, I wonder if she ever takes stock of herself, and sees herself in all her ugly nature, and so, weighs her past actions on the scales that a moral person would have used; would a certain person have acted in a certain manner to someone that she was hoping to have for herself? NO, and so, that is it for me. I judge her by her actions, and as such she is guilty, guilty, guilty, and I will be very glad to end her miserable life forthwith.
I find nothing attractive in her.
So, I sit here and I ponder over what will be, and I find it all really really annoying, that He should decide to enlighten me about the impossibility of me shedding blood, and also, point out just how I will never get that chance to kill, and then leave me to work out another exit strategy that means I do not necessarily have to have people squeal like stuck pigs...!
Ah, fuck, I hate God's sense of timing, and the fact that He always has to have some clever, solid reason that He wisely chooses NOT to tell you at the beginning and then you find out about it when you are already committed to a course of action.
He has not let me kill anyone... yet, and while I am no stranger to ways and means of ending life suddenly should tyhe need arise, the theory has never been put into practice, and so, I see the trends behind all that."
Crafty, is what He is, and well, I guess I can go back to hating Him.
Maybe i should just leave. After all, someone assumed she had the God-given task to stop me from departing, and used all dirty whiles and means to keep me in my 'place'. Hell, I should just depart and send them to hell as i leave, because i certainly am fed up with keeping my anger bottled in.
And, just so that we all know where we stand, som,e clown decides that, since i am going to see my mom with a Nissan HardBody, he/she will park that one smack in my face as I go to the library, and then opposite monique's restaurant/thing when I am in kalk bay.
Maybe I SHOULD say this, just so that it is out there:-
When I do say that you are dead, mark my words, you ARE dead, and there is nothing that will keep you alive and walking on this planet much longer, because I , well, I have decided to make this MY domain, just for the hell of it... !
