Δ , delta, means, in mathematics, change, while δ means "small change", right? And I am NOT so sure that whoever instigated what happend today is likely to appreciate the irony of the fact that probably because of what he/she started, then the one thing I have been fighting against has become a moot point, and there will be some very unwelcome... change. I came down the mountain this morning, determined that I was not going to work at all, but would walk back up and go fuinish this witty book by Nelson De Mille, "the Gate House" that I had ben reading, and try to fiure out a way to pressure God into doing His OWN dirty business, as I walk away from it all, but somebody decided to call the mountain law eneforcement, wait till me- and, ironically- obert, today, had walked down and have them raid the place I spoke of that we are currently, uneasily, sharing. The plave anyone can see as we come down.
It was a silly move, because I have been keeping something back from you all, something that I grasped long ago,and decided that, come rain come thunder, I would NEVER, ever let out.
I mean, even you must wonder at why I was never really 'with it', and why I was always rolling with the punches and shooting blanks. Or maybe it never ocured to you, but hey, it took me just a little while to figure out, from the moment God interested Himself in me, and showed it, for me to deuce that this same zgod, Who harbours LONG grudges and never forgets, had not shown up in MY life because He felt pity for me. No, God had a purpose, and that piurpose was becoming more and more clear with each word that He uttered, like how I was right that my mother did not really love me, and how He later went on to show His ownership of me as far as that girl I was with was concerned.
God designed the world, creation, for ONLY one man, and I was busy fighting so that THIS, which has happened, would NOT happen. Fuck, if He had a problem with people, I was determined, He would stop sopeaking in double talk and be plain, but hey, you fools thought that all THIS was about you.
Somebody, maybe tghe women I cast offf last night, or their relations, decided to let me know that I am nothing, and by so doijng, left me powerless to resist letting out the thing even I myself had been jokingly threatening you with, my true nature.
Insincere as it may sound, I am truly... sorry for you, because now, there is NO way that I can let what has happened go back into the past,, and while I am truly reluctant to do anything, I am not so sure that I can keep this in any longer, or how much longer I can go on without giving vent to the worst thing that anyone will ever see, before they ... die.
As I said, I am... sorry. This was NEVER about people, but then, I tried to be too clever,. and did not factor in teh fact that some idiot would try -like how many times before has that happened already and I STILL did not catch on- to show me just how low down on the food chain I am.
Now, well, you will have to deal with the God of War.
Should have left me alone,people, because now that I have nothing to cover me with at night, now that I am certain that there exist people that actively hate me, and now that I KNOW that there is someting about ME that galls people, I am no longer ambivalent about what I need to do, but I am turning ,my back on everyone, with the ironic exception of the women that I 'got' from God.
Fuck,- which reminds me of how ... little ... I wanted to be part of God's schemes;- I read the following;"he who loves purity of heart, for his gracious speech the king shall be his friend" as well as jesus's statement, "blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God", and well, I determined that, since God was ... using me... I would NOT be his friend, and I dropped my hithertoe clean speech, and decided to swear and use profane language. I did not ever get to see God Himself, though, even though I heard Him many times, but I have seen His ways, and I am NOT amused at His wiles. But then, I did get to see the so called 'holy spirit' and he even flashed once before my eyes as he asked me, after a supposedly conciliatory prayer where i told god I loved Him "If you love God, why are you doing nothing for Him?", and I was like, inwardly, "dumbass, why the fuck should I do anythuing for One that can do it for Himself?", and then, of course, in those other visions where the silly spirit tried to show me just how ... loving... God is towards people. read that commandment where god concludes ' visitingg the iniquities of the fathers onto the children to the third and fourth generation, of them that hate me but keeping my covenant love to thousands of them that love me and keep my commandments", and tell me that tis is a God that just sees a person as just a person without considering his past?
So, please, do not give me that crap about God being 'loving' towards all He has made, because He HIMSELF says differnt, and it is all there for you to see if you open your eyes.
But of course, you all assumed that you knew better than me, and, well, THAT is partly MY fault, and while an aoplogy does not, in the long run, mean anything, I regret that things happened as they did. I should NOT have tried to take God on at His own game, but one;s options do tend to get rather limited when one finds oneself unable to die, unable to hunger and thirst, unable to get to ground zero because always there is a way out prepared for one., and so,m I decided to focus on the same God Himself, and well, I overlooked the human aspect.
now, I have to do as He promised I would, and that means I have to start killing.
And I suppose the joke is on me. Last night, I was so pissed off at God for deliberately misleading me - after i concluded that the five 'uncounted' women were the means to get me to give in and let the beast take over, that I clijmbed the mountain and did the only thing I could think of that made me feel like I still had a pice of myself to myself;- I howled my pain at Him. [all I wanted was to find someone who coukld love me]
this porbably upset the good residents of kalk bay, with the disastrous results of today
Nobody is more aware of the irony in THAT than me.
Everybody is a critic, apparently!
It was a silly move, because I have been keeping something back from you all, something that I grasped long ago,and decided that, come rain come thunder, I would NEVER, ever let out.
I mean, even you must wonder at why I was never really 'with it', and why I was always rolling with the punches and shooting blanks. Or maybe it never ocured to you, but hey, it took me just a little while to figure out, from the moment God interested Himself in me, and showed it, for me to deuce that this same zgod, Who harbours LONG grudges and never forgets, had not shown up in MY life because He felt pity for me. No, God had a purpose, and that piurpose was becoming more and more clear with each word that He uttered, like how I was right that my mother did not really love me, and how He later went on to show His ownership of me as far as that girl I was with was concerned.
God designed the world, creation, for ONLY one man, and I was busy fighting so that THIS, which has happened, would NOT happen. Fuck, if He had a problem with people, I was determined, He would stop sopeaking in double talk and be plain, but hey, you fools thought that all THIS was about you.
Somebody, maybe tghe women I cast offf last night, or their relations, decided to let me know that I am nothing, and by so doijng, left me powerless to resist letting out the thing even I myself had been jokingly threatening you with, my true nature.
Insincere as it may sound, I am truly... sorry for you, because now, there is NO way that I can let what has happened go back into the past,, and while I am truly reluctant to do anything, I am not so sure that I can keep this in any longer, or how much longer I can go on without giving vent to the worst thing that anyone will ever see, before they ... die.
As I said, I am... sorry. This was NEVER about people, but then, I tried to be too clever,. and did not factor in teh fact that some idiot would try -like how many times before has that happened already and I STILL did not catch on- to show me just how low down on the food chain I am.
Now, well, you will have to deal with the God of War.
Should have left me alone,people, because now that I have nothing to cover me with at night, now that I am certain that there exist people that actively hate me, and now that I KNOW that there is someting about ME that galls people, I am no longer ambivalent about what I need to do, but I am turning ,my back on everyone, with the ironic exception of the women that I 'got' from God.
Fuck,- which reminds me of how ... little ... I wanted to be part of God's schemes;- I read the following;"he who loves purity of heart, for his gracious speech the king shall be his friend" as well as jesus's statement, "blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God", and well, I determined that, since God was ... using me... I would NOT be his friend, and I dropped my hithertoe clean speech, and decided to swear and use profane language. I did not ever get to see God Himself, though, even though I heard Him many times, but I have seen His ways, and I am NOT amused at His wiles. But then, I did get to see the so called 'holy spirit' and he even flashed once before my eyes as he asked me, after a supposedly conciliatory prayer where i told god I loved Him "If you love God, why are you doing nothing for Him?", and I was like, inwardly, "dumbass, why the fuck should I do anythuing for One that can do it for Himself?", and then, of course, in those other visions where the silly spirit tried to show me just how ... loving... God is towards people. read that commandment where god concludes ' visitingg the iniquities of the fathers onto the children to the third and fourth generation, of them that hate me but keeping my covenant love to thousands of them that love me and keep my commandments", and tell me that tis is a God that just sees a person as just a person without considering his past?
So, please, do not give me that crap about God being 'loving' towards all He has made, because He HIMSELF says differnt, and it is all there for you to see if you open your eyes.
But of course, you all assumed that you knew better than me, and, well, THAT is partly MY fault, and while an aoplogy does not, in the long run, mean anything, I regret that things happened as they did. I should NOT have tried to take God on at His own game, but one;s options do tend to get rather limited when one finds oneself unable to die, unable to hunger and thirst, unable to get to ground zero because always there is a way out prepared for one., and so,m I decided to focus on the same God Himself, and well, I overlooked the human aspect.
now, I have to do as He promised I would, and that means I have to start killing.
And I suppose the joke is on me. Last night, I was so pissed off at God for deliberately misleading me - after i concluded that the five 'uncounted' women were the means to get me to give in and let the beast take over, that I clijmbed the mountain and did the only thing I could think of that made me feel like I still had a pice of myself to myself;- I howled my pain at Him. [all I wanted was to find someone who coukld love me]
this porbably upset the good residents of kalk bay, with the disastrous results of today
Nobody is more aware of the irony in THAT than me.
Everybody is a critic, apparently!
