But these past days, since the 18th, some irrevocable change has taken place in me, and I have been observing some of the antics of these ladies in a dispassionate way, and really, they have ALL left me... numb.
Tracy Chapman sang:-
I make a fool of myself
in matters of the heart
the heart
in matters of the heart
the heart
Well, I guess my upbringing has had a lot to do with my insatiable desire for some kind of approval from SOME woman, and maybe I send out these signals unwittingly that women pick up on, because NOTHING else explains the frenzy I have had so far, as women insult, look down on, or make nuisances of themselves in order to get me under their control.
but there is something else that these women seem to lose sight of, and it is THIS that has made me as slippery as an eel when it comes to their grand plans.
I have more than my fair share of my anger quotient, and it is THIS that has become the dominant thing in my life, as i have stopped deluding myself that I will actually let a woman who, instead of herself coming out in the open and letting her own thoughts be exposed, poses around me and maybe drive past and maybe come and try to see if I am still around and not about to spontaneously combust or something like that, just so that i say, Ok, I am running after you, or someting like that.
Fuck, this is the part where God has stepped in. I wanted out, I wanted to just get myself a place and then go mad, and let the beast out, but try as I have to provoke people to take pot shots at me, I have had some buffer that has prevented me from giving in to my impulses, because for some reason, I am ... curious.
Now, take, for example the chick I said I was ... certain of.
nothing could be futher from the truth. Look, I am done playing provoke-them-till-they-piss-me-off-so-I-can-kill-them stage; I have my death list written already and once someone is ON the list, nothing will get them off it, unless, maybe I made a mistake, see. Now, what does this chick who , like jacob putting out his hand from his mother's womb and then refusing to follow through, do?
Nothing, that is what.
And i am left wondering just WTF her deal is. Really.
I am now supposed to try to figure her OUT? Fuck her. NO ONE is that indisposable, because I refuse o pave ANYONE's way for her. She wants something, she comes out and gets it. And on MY terms, not hers, and MY terms mean coming out IN THE OPEN, forsaking EVERYTHING AND EVERYBODY, FOR ME with NO exceptions, and then she gets to live. I refuse to second guess anyone, and I refuse to be involved with someone who thinks she can slot me in between her dude, or kid, and whatever, because I am like NO ONE.
whether you like to accept it or not, I AM the Alpha and Omega, and there is NO law or authority that will either over-ride me or make me bend down, because I recognise NO authority but my own.
so, if the little mama assumed that I will go easy on her because i ... need... her, well, i hate her daughter, and will kill her son AND the said daughter, and her too if I find out that she sought to cut me down to size by humiliating me.
As for the drive-past and in-my-face contemporary art chick, well, you occupy a grey area in my life, and I HATE being bothered by someone who has NOT seen fit to appease my anger by being totally open and... exclusive, because very time I see you, or your visibly parked car, I get rattled, and well, i am ... crazy already, and if it was not for the fact that i am NOT sure about you, and can not on the one hand forget the fact that you looked so genuinely woe-begone when I first decided to toss you away, i would gleefully tear you to pieces.
so, now, you have a choice:- ignore my words, and carry on, as you are, since only YOU know what you want, or expect from me, in which case I WILL kilkl you as soon as i get to the end of this freewheeling as I get to the end of this problem, OR, amand your ways, because I do not see me doing ANYTHING your way, ever.
I mean, fuck, you have spread your legs to someone else, and maybe, if I am right, also have a child, which, thankfully for you I have neither seen nor even want to see, which means you are already treading on thin ice, but IF at the same time you were bothering me you were even liasing with the asshole, then well, you ARE dead, and THAT is something I will not back down on.
then there is the pretty ginger-head, who, typically -are ALL women stupid or what?- decides to enter my vision, and yet at the same time never addresses me, but always waits on the edges for me to make some move. Like, fuck, what makes YOU so important that I have to bow down and kiss you hand, or ass?
fuck you silly bitches!
but there is something else that these women seem to lose sight of, and it is THIS that has made me as slippery as an eel when it comes to their grand plans.
I have more than my fair share of my anger quotient, and it is THIS that has become the dominant thing in my life, as i have stopped deluding myself that I will actually let a woman who, instead of herself coming out in the open and letting her own thoughts be exposed, poses around me and maybe drive past and maybe come and try to see if I am still around and not about to spontaneously combust or something like that, just so that i say, Ok, I am running after you, or someting like that.
Fuck, this is the part where God has stepped in. I wanted out, I wanted to just get myself a place and then go mad, and let the beast out, but try as I have to provoke people to take pot shots at me, I have had some buffer that has prevented me from giving in to my impulses, because for some reason, I am ... curious.
Now, take, for example the chick I said I was ... certain of.
nothing could be futher from the truth. Look, I am done playing provoke-them-till-they-piss-me-off-so-I-can-kill-them stage; I have my death list written already and once someone is ON the list, nothing will get them off it, unless, maybe I made a mistake, see. Now, what does this chick who , like jacob putting out his hand from his mother's womb and then refusing to follow through, do?
Nothing, that is what.
And i am left wondering just WTF her deal is. Really.
I am now supposed to try to figure her OUT? Fuck her. NO ONE is that indisposable, because I refuse o pave ANYONE's way for her. She wants something, she comes out and gets it. And on MY terms, not hers, and MY terms mean coming out IN THE OPEN, forsaking EVERYTHING AND EVERYBODY, FOR ME with NO exceptions, and then she gets to live. I refuse to second guess anyone, and I refuse to be involved with someone who thinks she can slot me in between her dude, or kid, and whatever, because I am like NO ONE.
whether you like to accept it or not, I AM the Alpha and Omega, and there is NO law or authority that will either over-ride me or make me bend down, because I recognise NO authority but my own.
so, if the little mama assumed that I will go easy on her because i ... need... her, well, i hate her daughter, and will kill her son AND the said daughter, and her too if I find out that she sought to cut me down to size by humiliating me.
As for the drive-past and in-my-face contemporary art chick, well, you occupy a grey area in my life, and I HATE being bothered by someone who has NOT seen fit to appease my anger by being totally open and... exclusive, because very time I see you, or your visibly parked car, I get rattled, and well, i am ... crazy already, and if it was not for the fact that i am NOT sure about you, and can not on the one hand forget the fact that you looked so genuinely woe-begone when I first decided to toss you away, i would gleefully tear you to pieces.
so, now, you have a choice:- ignore my words, and carry on, as you are, since only YOU know what you want, or expect from me, in which case I WILL kilkl you as soon as i get to the end of this freewheeling as I get to the end of this problem, OR, amand your ways, because I do not see me doing ANYTHING your way, ever.
I mean, fuck, you have spread your legs to someone else, and maybe, if I am right, also have a child, which, thankfully for you I have neither seen nor even want to see, which means you are already treading on thin ice, but IF at the same time you were bothering me you were even liasing with the asshole, then well, you ARE dead, and THAT is something I will not back down on.
then there is the pretty ginger-head, who, typically -are ALL women stupid or what?- decides to enter my vision, and yet at the same time never addresses me, but always waits on the edges for me to make some move. Like, fuck, what makes YOU so important that I have to bow down and kiss you hand, or ass?
fuck you silly bitches!
********
non-stop we riding this train
Platinum, ice and all o' this fame
we change the game
dont know what them fools them fools be thinking
I have fir wait them out and I wonder if them drinking....
we have fir line them up
and leave them decompose and stinking
I have been... thinking, a lot, and what I have come to conclude is that, unlike everyone else, I am NOT ruled by my heart, or by emotions, NO, I am probably unique in that I am a cold, logical thinker, and can NOT bend to these sentimental feelings. Hell, I will put up with ANY discomfort just so that I do NOT give in to any silly... wishy-washy ... emotions.
i , for example, made up my mind that NO MATTER what line God comes up with, I will NOT bend to His commands, and the ONLY reason I am at ease as far as His designs on me are concerned is that I have conclusively concluded that He is exclusively interested in making my problems His, and not leting me compromise, and so, I am cool with that, and I have therefore a decidedly biased attention span when He has something to say.
And I guess the only reason why I am even thinking of THESE four is the "24 August" thing, and the fact that, before all this, all I wanted was a piece of super
i , for example, made up my mind that NO MATTER what line God comes up with, I will NOT bend to His commands, and the ONLY reason I am at ease as far as His designs on me are concerned is that I have conclusively concluded that He is exclusively interested in making my problems His, and not leting me compromise, and so, I am cool with that, and I have therefore a decidedly biased attention span when He has something to say.
And I guess the only reason why I am even thinking of THESE four is the "24 August" thing, and the fact that, before all this, all I wanted was a piece of super
But when this chick with her buck teeth decided to feed me her ass and make me mad, i suppose that, for now, until I kill her off, I will NOT be interested in a woman with a super ass, and that is all good anyway, because I can count about, let me see, well, more than five chicks with great asses, like the glencairn golden haired one, the one with the incredible waits line and that flare, the Shopaholic girl, the girl who looks like the Shopaholic girl but had white skin, the girl with broad hips, the little polite woman, and of course, the uber-sexy poor mother, so, I suppose i am easy on the ass score, and I will gladly have some kind of variety, and not regret it, I think.
Well, of course, if I had MY way, and it had nothing to do with the .... trinity... I would be on a killing spree, already, but, well, everything in its time
Well, of course, if I had MY way, and it had nothing to do with the .... trinity... I would be on a killing spree, already, but, well, everything in its time
those who player hate and keep on dissing me
tell them say them can not stop me synergy
then can not really limit me
matter how them mimic and them gimmic me
tell them say them can not stop m energy
i'm giving them the trinity
tell them say them can not stop me synergy
then can not really limit me
matter how them mimic and them gimmic me
tell them say them can not stop m energy
i'm giving them the trinity
you must be kidding me
getting rid of me?
guns will blast like them boys in Trivolli
be in my jungle where them killers be
even in Italy them still consider me
one of the doppest
thats coz I lasted
the rest is so hopeless
Nothing BUT ASSES
I'm so focused yet I'm so blasted
big up the reggae massive
[Tony Touch]Well I dont need a lawyer coz there wont be a case
forget what you see know your life get your placeI'm the dutty dapper down inna the base
guns will blast like them boys in Trivolli
be in my jungle where them killers be
even in Italy them still consider me
one of the doppest
thats coz I lasted
the rest is so hopeless
Nothing BUT ASSES
I'm so focused yet I'm so blasted
big up the reggae massive
[Tony Touch]Well I dont need a lawyer coz there wont be a case
forget what you see know your life get your placeI'm the dutty dapper down inna the base
I'm about to show you what respect really is
Punk cant know nothingNow i know you really think you clever
But you cant stop me style dem -NEVER!
real push button, start with you ready fir whatever you tell me if you heard of me ever
them call me
the dutty loca, the tolly toca
man are gangster
man are gallis
man internationalisso now listen out
esa loca
....
but some boy want disturb me head up...and them dis me fir try get me fed up...
Friends and family them start get shred up...
better them fed up hurry up and get dead up
where them call me?
[sean paul]
Esa LOCO,
[not Loca]
I'm mad, I'm mad, I'm REALLY MAD
But you cant stop me style dem -NEVER!
real push button, start with you ready fir whatever you tell me if you heard of me ever
them call me
the dutty loca, the tolly toca
man are gangster
man are gallis
man internationalisso now listen out
esa loca
....
but some boy want disturb me head up...and them dis me fir try get me fed up...
Friends and family them start get shred up...
better them fed up hurry up and get dead up
where them call me?
[sean paul]
Esa LOCO,
[not Loca]
I'm mad, I'm mad, I'm REALLY MAD
I am a certified tyrant, and GOD, the ONE you all think will "stop me in my tracks" is going ALL-Guns-Blazing FOR me, and that means there is NO power that can hinder me, idiots!, ha ha!
ok, I guess now I have nothing more to say, i will observe, and hit the short circuit button if this bullshit does not conclude happily for me, because I CAN, assholes.
ha ha!
Rabadooo
cant see me!
i mean, fuck, what good does it do ME to see a woman and have NOTHING more than a glimpse? food is meant for eating, and should I go hungry because someone puts an appetising mean in a glass case that i can not get at?
am i supposed to be... happy about that state of affairs?
fuck that!
i hate being teased.
ok, I guess now I have nothing more to say, i will observe, and hit the short circuit button if this bullshit does not conclude happily for me, because I CAN, assholes.
ha ha!
Rabadooo
cant see me!
i mean, fuck, what good does it do ME to see a woman and have NOTHING more than a glimpse? food is meant for eating, and should I go hungry because someone puts an appetising mean in a glass case that i can not get at?
am i supposed to be... happy about that state of affairs?
fuck that!
i hate being teased.
yeah yeah
yo if you the script well the game done changed
dutty cop music drive them insane
world wide yah it aint been the same
jigzag zigaloo come bring them the pain
Still no luv none of them whores
Still I got a lotta of fine ladies at my dispose
nothing more need fir disclose
SP are the dapper blessed with best metaphors
them cant test all my inflows
thats why all the fake ones them getting exposed...
blow them up make them explode
out of the cosmos make them know we are the utmost
co' we be keeping it live
and we dont be talking that jive
dutty blazing it over jive
we nuh backslide
co' we everyday pon the campaignyo if you the script well the game done changed
dutty cop music drive them insane
world wide yah it aint been the same
jigzag zigaloo come bring them the pain
Still no luv none of them whores
Still I got a lotta of fine ladies at my dispose
nothing more need fir disclose
SP are the dapper blessed with best metaphors
them cant test all my inflows
thats why all the fake ones them getting exposed...
blow them up make them explode
out of the cosmos make them know we are the utmost
co' we be keeping it live
and we dont be talking that jive
dutty blazing it over jive
we nuh backslide
non-stop we riding this train
Platinum, ice and all o' this fame
we change the game
dont know what them fools them fools be thinking
I have fir wait them out and I wonder if them drinking....
we have fir line them up
and leave them decompose and stinking
Now< i was about to just sign off and well, leave it all as is, but there is something that happened the last time I went to the internet and posted the "juggernaut confused" tale.
actually it happened AFTER I had finished, and if the girl was latter confused because after her greeting my response was lukewarm, lets put it to aftershock, and so, maybe, she is NOT to blame for being rather confusesd in the days following, it was not her fault, although I have to say it would be pleasant to have her come up to me in public and ... pull her stunt.
it would set my heart at ease.
This are wha' are gwaan
I was walking back from F/Hoek, and I needed to pee. Normally, which is everytime, I ignore people, and so I paid no attention to 2 xhosa assholes who were coming my way and said, to me, "uyapi", because, of course, i am stronger than anything living on this planet, see?I was to be disabused of THAT, rudely, in a manner that left me convinced that THAT vision of me seeing me in my own mind tied to a chair and ice all over me was being acted out in real life, and that I was being given more and more proof of my.... burdens, see?
these assholes, followed me, the two of them, one about my size and the other smaller, but chunkier, into that path that branches off to the beach just before the clovelly junction, as one walks TO kalk bay.
And started asking me where i was going, and did so in such a gratingly violent way I was grimly amused, because I was rather pissed off already and wanted to have a fight, bad
So, when small-and-chunky pushed me as i did my trousers up, I threw my food parcel down, and squared off against them.
this was gonna be short and painful for them fools.
And all of a sudden i was as weak, as slow as a person weighed down with great weights, and when the short one threw a punch, it was only because i knew enough about fighting to just throw my head out of the way slightly that I avoided humiliation, and then the asshole pushed me into the road, and I went, directly in the path of a car, and i was SOOO slow that i almost got creamed. the only thing that got me back into the fight was me leaping back at the fools with my trademark triple kick, but it was still so obvious the fools got out of the way, and then, as i stood, shocked, before them, with my hands in a boxing stance, they decided that they did not want to get close and so they went off towards F/Hoek, taunting me, and I made my way back, and asking myself WTF had just happened.Them fools came after me in a red car passed me as the drove towards kalk bay, just over that defunct station, and then drove back again, and spoke about my mother's poes [I guess their mothers do not have those], and yet they parked their car about 50m behind me, and waited, for what i had no idea.
I was drained, and stunned, and carried on walking.
besides, I am not keen when the asshole is afraid, because i want people who think they can take me with their eyes blindfolded, their arms tied behind their backs, and all that macho stuff. them fools WERE scared, so I left them to their yells.
So, when i met the gorgeous ginger haired chick, and she went 'hi" [remember I am STILL part blind], it took me a while to recognise her; in fact i wanted to turn and walk back with her, but THAT was the reason why I was so... slow in response.
And well, I have been wondering just when this block on my physical prowess will pass, because I am starting to chaff under it, see?
I mean, I got stabbed, thought it was my own doing, when in effect the stupid spirit wanted me out of the way since i was being too wayward.
And I did not die.
So, well, i guess it is not her fault that later she walked by, in a skirt, showing her confusion so startlingly clearly I wanted to say something but then, it would be easier for ME if someone did NOT rely on ME to put the conclusion to things, but took up their own part of the burden. It would be nice, really, because i would then be free to just deal with MY problems on my own without having to explain myself to someone, see?
I hate being tied down.
I mean, for me to be 'free' I guess I have to take on EVERYONE and EVERYTHING, and so, you ladies, cut me some slack, OK, I may not behave like I have feelings, but geez, if you want a part of me, do no load your feelings or expectations on me>
I am living a crap life and NONE of you sees that because you worry so much about some future that you expect to just materialise from nowhere without you doing a single thing to bring it about, because I SAY i am strong, the God of War, and unstoppable, and so you think I have no expectations of my own.
Fuck, WHY should i have you, any of you, in MY life, is my question, if I have to battle even YOU for peace?
I have beautiful women lined up already,women that i KNOW are sleepless over me, and these did NOT need words to make up their minds, and I have TWO i know that are panting for me abroad, and I am facing YOU, who know when I come down the mountain, am at vinnie's or am leaving, and keep tabs on me to see what bullshit or great thing I write about you, when YOU are staying in your homes, insulting me by paying NO heed to my state, and yet expecting ME to find you ... acceptable.
I will call you cunts,and ignore you., and work on unleashing my latent potential, and THEN, when am 100% online,if I DO it on my own, I will then turn MY nose at you, and laugh at your calamoty as you have laughed at me. God said He would have staeadfast love, not sacrifice, and what He rejected is what YOU are giving me, and there is NO ONE and NOTHING God honours as much as He does me, and that is STILL something for you to sniff at. You use that in the same way that Herod used the holy spirit inspired prophecy about christ's birth; to feather your own nests, and you pay lip service to what I write and remorselessly hound me.
i find that extremely offensive, and I guess, on THAT note, i will have to say I reject the contemporary art chick, because she has been the most allison-like and therefore, as with allison, is probably involved with some asshole. I do NOT want to be loaded with her bullshit, and I find the english chick that I was staring at glumly today as she carefully did NOT offer us -me and vinnie- food as she did the last time quite refreshing, because, as I said, i am not at present interested in asses. And rebecca is really slim, see?
well, she probably will do as they all do, anyway, and keep on hiding behind her protect-my-public-image persona.
fuck, I am wondering about the use of all THIS.
actually it happened AFTER I had finished, and if the girl was latter confused because after her greeting my response was lukewarm, lets put it to aftershock, and so, maybe, she is NOT to blame for being rather confusesd in the days following, it was not her fault, although I have to say it would be pleasant to have her come up to me in public and ... pull her stunt.
it would set my heart at ease.
This are wha' are gwaan
I was walking back from F/Hoek, and I needed to pee. Normally, which is everytime, I ignore people, and so I paid no attention to 2 xhosa assholes who were coming my way and said, to me, "uyapi", because, of course, i am stronger than anything living on this planet, see?I was to be disabused of THAT, rudely, in a manner that left me convinced that THAT vision of me seeing me in my own mind tied to a chair and ice all over me was being acted out in real life, and that I was being given more and more proof of my.... burdens, see?
these assholes, followed me, the two of them, one about my size and the other smaller, but chunkier, into that path that branches off to the beach just before the clovelly junction, as one walks TO kalk bay.
And started asking me where i was going, and did so in such a gratingly violent way I was grimly amused, because I was rather pissed off already and wanted to have a fight, bad
So, when small-and-chunky pushed me as i did my trousers up, I threw my food parcel down, and squared off against them.
this was gonna be short and painful for them fools.
And all of a sudden i was as weak, as slow as a person weighed down with great weights, and when the short one threw a punch, it was only because i knew enough about fighting to just throw my head out of the way slightly that I avoided humiliation, and then the asshole pushed me into the road, and I went, directly in the path of a car, and i was SOOO slow that i almost got creamed. the only thing that got me back into the fight was me leaping back at the fools with my trademark triple kick, but it was still so obvious the fools got out of the way, and then, as i stood, shocked, before them, with my hands in a boxing stance, they decided that they did not want to get close and so they went off towards F/Hoek, taunting me, and I made my way back, and asking myself WTF had just happened.Them fools came after me in a red car passed me as the drove towards kalk bay, just over that defunct station, and then drove back again, and spoke about my mother's poes [I guess their mothers do not have those], and yet they parked their car about 50m behind me, and waited, for what i had no idea.
I was drained, and stunned, and carried on walking.
besides, I am not keen when the asshole is afraid, because i want people who think they can take me with their eyes blindfolded, their arms tied behind their backs, and all that macho stuff. them fools WERE scared, so I left them to their yells.
So, when i met the gorgeous ginger haired chick, and she went 'hi" [remember I am STILL part blind], it took me a while to recognise her; in fact i wanted to turn and walk back with her, but THAT was the reason why I was so... slow in response.
And well, I have been wondering just when this block on my physical prowess will pass, because I am starting to chaff under it, see?
I mean, I got stabbed, thought it was my own doing, when in effect the stupid spirit wanted me out of the way since i was being too wayward.
And I did not die.
So, well, i guess it is not her fault that later she walked by, in a skirt, showing her confusion so startlingly clearly I wanted to say something but then, it would be easier for ME if someone did NOT rely on ME to put the conclusion to things, but took up their own part of the burden. It would be nice, really, because i would then be free to just deal with MY problems on my own without having to explain myself to someone, see?
I hate being tied down.
I mean, for me to be 'free' I guess I have to take on EVERYONE and EVERYTHING, and so, you ladies, cut me some slack, OK, I may not behave like I have feelings, but geez, if you want a part of me, do no load your feelings or expectations on me>
I am living a crap life and NONE of you sees that because you worry so much about some future that you expect to just materialise from nowhere without you doing a single thing to bring it about, because I SAY i am strong, the God of War, and unstoppable, and so you think I have no expectations of my own.
Fuck, WHY should i have you, any of you, in MY life, is my question, if I have to battle even YOU for peace?
I have beautiful women lined up already,women that i KNOW are sleepless over me, and these did NOT need words to make up their minds, and I have TWO i know that are panting for me abroad, and I am facing YOU, who know when I come down the mountain, am at vinnie's or am leaving, and keep tabs on me to see what bullshit or great thing I write about you, when YOU are staying in your homes, insulting me by paying NO heed to my state, and yet expecting ME to find you ... acceptable.
I will call you cunts,and ignore you., and work on unleashing my latent potential, and THEN, when am 100% online,if I DO it on my own, I will then turn MY nose at you, and laugh at your calamoty as you have laughed at me. God said He would have staeadfast love, not sacrifice, and what He rejected is what YOU are giving me, and there is NO ONE and NOTHING God honours as much as He does me, and that is STILL something for you to sniff at. You use that in the same way that Herod used the holy spirit inspired prophecy about christ's birth; to feather your own nests, and you pay lip service to what I write and remorselessly hound me.
i find that extremely offensive, and I guess, on THAT note, i will have to say I reject the contemporary art chick, because she has been the most allison-like and therefore, as with allison, is probably involved with some asshole. I do NOT want to be loaded with her bullshit, and I find the english chick that I was staring at glumly today as she carefully did NOT offer us -me and vinnie- food as she did the last time quite refreshing, because, as I said, i am not at present interested in asses. And rebecca is really slim, see?
well, she probably will do as they all do, anyway, and keep on hiding behind her protect-my-public-image persona.
fuck, I am wondering about the use of all THIS.
I've become so numb
i cant feel you there
I'm becoming this
all I want to do
is be more like me
and be less like you
I've become so numb...
i cant feel you there
I'm becoming this
all I want to do
is be more like me
and be less like you
I've become so numb...
