or it could also have been the realisationg over the past few days that I am quite easily capable of taking over EVERYTHING, once I stop wanting to make my own way out of all this;- God does NOT have to be ... obviously... in charge.Whatever it was, I ended up last night saying- although it seemed to him that I was joking- that NO ONE can negotiate with God, and cause Him to change His mind over ANYTHING, and so, that being so, and since I have lived a destitute's life for so long that it has gotten under my skin... I give in, I agree that God knows best, not me, and I will fight Him no more. I will be what He wants me to be. I admit defeat. I even joked about jonah, ending up being spit out of a fish's mouth of all things, just to show how... adamant, God is about His purposes.
this after i had shown him my scars, and told him of other things that seemed impossible, like a knife that does not stab my neck but just bounces off it like my neck was a rock. I, of course, did not say anything about yesterday's humiliation, because he still wants me to find a place and i have been dragging my feet and now, once the ... car... I am making is finished, i will have no excuse to stay outdoors. Since it apparently will make the buyer cough up a LOT of dough.
So, here i am, letting you all know that, unfortunately, I HAVE the power to do exactly as I please, and while I may STILL drag my feet a little bit here and there, well, God is NOT my enemy, He is God, and while I may not agree with His MO, I still can not get past, around, or over the fact that THIS is what He decided will happen, and so it will, and there is nothing I can do anymore to stop it from happening.
Well, dont take it too bad, just because you all are going to die and burn in hell for ... forever... does not mean that you know, you are going to die and brn in hell for eternity, for example. It could be worse;- you could die and burn in hell for ALL eternity.
Ok, then, it is the worst thing that could happen to you, but as i said, it could be worse;- it could be ME!
ah, well, I am not so sure that that is such a bad thing, but, see, I have no SAY in that, except for a few select people that I can reasonably be certain are itching to be all over me, and well, these are DEFINITELY going to be with me.
I am trying, on the other hand, to just overlook the ... five... especially as it would be ... nice to pretend they do not exist and i can just carry on without having to try to solve THAT puzzle, but when two of them are constantly in my face, and I find myself literally itching to climb a wall and... , well, I find that ignoring them is not so easy.
I am , however, trying hard to find some fault in them, just so that I can say 'aha' and not have to worry anymore about pulling petals off a flower and going "she loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not...", because, well, I do have trust issues here.
And I could be said to be insanely jealous, possessive, and, well, i want MORE than just one woman around me, all of which things are guaranteed to seriously piss of a woman.
but if push comes to shove, then i can pull out my God-likeness, and go, "the subject is NOT up for discussion, you will DO as I say", and conveniently leave out the escape clauses like 'or else' which will make the women go, "yeah? or else what?" meaning I would lose control of the situation, as well as, probably end up having to sleep playing golf, and just so you know, THIS is what I mean
second row, first and second.
And I am too grown up for that, right?
Anyway, that is the deal. i am easy on a lot of thing, just not so sure that THESE ones, that are the equivalent of a surgery on an awake patient, would actually DO, since i know from my own experiences that if someone gives me an ... order... I would always take plan "B", "yeah, or what will you do if I say "no"?", and we all will have fun finding out, or not, as the case may be.
but I have never bowed down to anyone, nor do i intend to start, and anyway, giving in to God, is different;- He is not asking me to be good to anyone, just to be me, and well, THAT means killing off every other living being, some with my own hands and all that, and well, there is really NOTHING to stop me, except me, and me dont want to stop me anymore. Me want to get laid, and have me own place, and so, i am easy on all those other counts.
so, bottom line,
Thank YOU, God for the food You have set before me, or US
