Rather I have been trying to just be myself, aand try to figure myself out in much the same way some One Who knows me in an out already has, and without that palpable fear of disgrace that till now I have exhibited.
And i have found out interesting things, starting from a statemant that God Himself told me long back, and I immediately posted it the same day, "Seek not during the day what you can not find at night, and seek not at night what you can not find during the day"Since everything that has caused so much friction between me and Him has BEEN about women, and I have absolutely none of the knowledge that is necessary to figure otu just what goes on in a woman's mind, since to me every woman has had but one use, which is to be an object of my revenge, and not someone to be ... enjoyed... in her own right, as a being, I have been having problems, obviously, with the statement of the 'fifteen seconds', ten of whom are accounted for, but the rest... well,they were up in the air.
Till NOW, that is.
i thought about just what kind of person would i even welcome into my arms,a nd my life, especially in view of the fact that such a person has already seen me at my worst, and read me at my worst,and we therefore already HAVE had an encounter, and it turns out that the person has to be a n extremely attractive woman who never once overlooked me or tried to put me down.
I certainly NEVER meant for anyone that read my posts to ever become a part of my life, but that the people who would BE part of my life would READ about me when it was already just a passing interest thing, and not something that is live-wire, that is happening AT that time.
However, since I must go home, and, well, I can not ignore the revenge bit totally, I STILL must have some women that have never decided to try telling me just what a screw up I am, and am I not better than any of these ladies that you speak of, as having met only once but are convinced, silly you, that they are yours? THAT kind of person I can NOT stand, and such a person is allison, the contemporary art chick, and basically everyone of the 'five' women that I had 'settled on". I would have ended up killing them in next to no time, if they came into my path.
There are women, though, that serve the double function of getting me to actually... bother... because I am curious, as well as get to DO something in the process, since i can never be ... serious... without enjoying myself at the same time. I find commitment too hard to be swallowed all on its own.
like, if the dutch girl was NOT in holland, i would not go there to fetch her, or to germany, or if I went, I would probably just ebd up THERE and not go to other places, like the one place I want to be, ebcause, whether i like it or not, i am permanently depressed, which is probably why I need stimulation to ever get to DO anything, and why I have someone with me to keep me alive. So, it is not that much of a co-incidence that there is, conveniently, a woman that got me to think a lot about her, arguably the ONLY woman that i have written about in terms of love and not backed down from it ever, the woman i said is... extremely attractive, and stays, I think, next door to the pace i NEED to be if i am ever to be focused enough to make a spaceship to get out of this planet.
So, these three, the girl and thetwo grown ups, would set the trend for the 'to get out of here' stuff, because AFTER I do what I do, it would be too bothersome to remain here and feed the memories.
I am, after all, for War, and THAT is my first reaction to ANY human being or creature that crosses my path, and only latter may I change my mind, and seek peace, especially when Ihave identified that the woman is not a threat.
provided the said woman, THIS time, does as I ... order, or requuire, if that is not so difficult to swallow. because MY requirement is simple, give up everything and everyone for me, and we can have a life together, because i am both jealous and intolerant of interferance, and I also hate people with OTHER agendas that they try to mix with me. the giving up everything part, well, it is not so that i can latter spare those people, ut so that they can die and be no more, and i remain with what matters to me, ONLY, because as, I said, I do not connect the dots, and I do not honour someone because of who her family memeber is or where she comes from. but then, I do not follow rigid rules about my choices, although THAT part MUST be understood to be my prerogative.
like, I am really impressed, depsite my ire, and , as I mentined, negative mindest, by the sister of the contmpoary art chick, the david matthews chick, who did NOT bother... correcting me [I think, I am not so sure about the hair thing]... because i can not forget that as i came down the mountain after promising i would kill the sister, I was being ... told... (just as i was told yesterday that the 'smart' girl had found it too painful to have her mother die [which is a relief, because I think she is too small, and someone as confused as that would have gotten in my way]) that I did not have to say what I did as quoted from cry me a river, and when the woman showed up after i was unexpectedly left at vinnie's stall, she was dressed in the type of clothes that were meant to show her ass -frankly i thought she was crazy; i liked the show, but her dress sense made me wonder what she would surprise me by wearing if she and i were to be together- and she did just that, and later, she was to come and sit by me, dressed more normally, and showing that world class ass of hers.In a pair of jeans, As if releived i was thinking of her, although THAT was with ... another sister?
OK, I am not just an ass person, but it does look good to have a good looking woman somewhere near you, and well, women, i have foubnd, take care of everything else, but these other things, like legs and posterior. On the other hand, it is in the genes, and one may take whatever beauty treatments one likes, but one can NEVER fake somethings. So, I liked that, and well, i am wondering about her, as to whether i mean as much to her as she seemed to indicate, like she would turn away from her family for me? because that is what I ... expect. And want. And actually hope for. I see me enjoying myself with that woman, if i can be ... exclusive.
Then there is this other woman, elderly, and sexy, and she seemed to set the contemporary art chick's teeth on edge as well, the toyota RAV-4 woman who shared her food with me.
BUT, I guess the surprise inclusion to the 'five' is the recent woman that got the chick's gost as well, since i said i spentthe other day checking out women to goad her.
This was a woman in some blue pants and dark hair, and she walked into the bakery, came out again and-here i was, judging by her body language as she wal;ked past, smiling, the first time- sure that she would not just walk away again, and she was met by some elderly woman and they went and got back into the bakery and then came out and sat on the benches nesr where I was working, and I could not keep my eyes off her. She was stunning, and her ass, even in those loose trousers, was something. As they left, vinnie spoke to her, and later told me she was english, was a student, and i went, 'two birds with one stone', out the english chick and the art chick. I think I will have these ones, and if not... well if the shoe fits
