It is kind of... depressing... right, to know that there is One Who sees me as something that is beyond the usual, and that this One never seems to be troubled that underlining every one of His statements to me is the unqualified acknowledgement that I WILL, if not interfered with by Him, DO exactly as I think, and that what worries Him is not so much what I am likely to do, but rather that I will end up blaming Him for a wasted life, as I did the other time, and He spoke about yokes and stuff.
REALLY, it is depressing, because my main agenda HAS been to piss God off to the extent that He would say, Enough, I am going to kill you now for that, but if He Himself never sees any of my attempts for what they are, and I am walking on the ground, or like a ship sailing in the ocean, trying to find the staircase to heaven, I end up NOT getting even off the ground; why the fuck should I bother if I can never make my ocean meet the sky?
I will be honest, I think all this is a bunch of crap, and I see just how thing is the ice I am walking on, and frankly I am longing for the time to come when I end up being put in a corner, or confronted by some asshole who decides to put my words to the test, and I had thought the time had come today when I saw the brainy chick walk towards me as I walked past the harbour entrance, and inside I crowed. Now, since I am being honest, I thought that she would stop me and give me a piece of her mind, and I was already in battle mode, as she approached, and was thinking that all she had to do was just open her mouth and tell me to behave, but for some reason, although we made eye contact, she walked on past, and i found myself wondering if EVERYONE was so fucking afraid of me they would not openly defy me, and give me a reason to explode.
or maybe, as i am getting to begrudgingly acknowledge, the woman actually thinks a whole lot different to what I am thinking.
I regard everyone as a threat, as something to be destroyed, as a waste of time, and I am therefore confused when someone insists that I am wrong in my perception of the person, and yet does not try to get me mad. It is so infuriating.
Then there is the fact that I KNOW that there is absolutely NO reason that will make me keep anyone alive who, for whatever reason , was... attached ... to someone the moment she looked my way.And so, I was forced to conclude that it ... appears that there are women that would make me satisfy my need for revenge and also leave me with playthings for the future since i would not have to destroy them, and that these women are not the type I had to drag out of their current... lifestyles, but that they are already, with the suspicious probable exception of allison, whose lifestyle is so much of a mystery I am not even going to bother trying to figure it out, single and unattached.
so, since she also begged to differ with me, I am having to re-instate the red-head, who showed up today, much to my consternation, and then gave me time to look her over and realise, once and for all, that she, and they,them five, [dont know whether that applies to nicky? or not, since she regards me as something beneath foot level, I think] are not the type of people that would be busy making me unhappy with their ... fuck is this for real?
I am thinking that there is this thing that God has been stressing, that I do not NEED to fight to have women, and that I do not need to fight Him about them, so I do not need to start a war, or try to be anything more than a mere word merchant as far as these women are concerned, since it appears there are some crazy people out there that will buy my speeches, and take heed, and act, or so it seems.
I am not so sure, because all I am getting now are mixed signals, but I am looking at my past, where i took what i wanted, and lived to regret it, so in love was I with death at the time, and I tend to admit that having to make a woman do as I want, while using her, without her making up hwe own mid that she will be with me on my terms, is a forom if hell for myself, since I WILL be just angering myself in the process and ending up killing the woman anyway.
so,I wonder, as I did in the morning, if MY terms mean anything to any of these women, but, knowing the contrariness of them silly whores, I am inclined to think, God notwithstanding, because I understand that what they are supposed to see they turn a blind eye to, and what they are supposed to hear they overlook, and focus ion worthless things, like for example walking all over me [I WILL get to the point where I am going to kill the suckers who do that, I see that, clearly],anyway, and so I am inclined to wonder if this insistence of God's on no warfare is worth anything, because I am pissed off with these same women.
doesnt matter to me if they are right or not, if they care about me or not, because I do not get anything from their meddling with my space except aggravation, and I am getting to the point where i am thinking of closing my ears and eyes to THEM, and just taking those I that did not have to hear me make any speech, but did the correct thing, because they weighed in everything and did not think that pissing on me was a way that would get them points.
Fuck You, God for wasting my time, and fuck these women of Yours. You tell me that Your yoke is easy, and THIS is the fucking price I have to pay for You giving me 15 years of a miserable life that I did not ask of You You asshole!
Fuck You!
Grrrrrr!!!!
I am sick and tired of words, and I want to act, I want MY misery to end, and I want my hell to be over, and if I visit it on everyone else, then so be it, but I refuse to be held back so that I can be a word merchant to bitches with their heads up their asses who think I owe them a favour or some such bullshit.
i am calling You out, Asshole. You are so eager to defend Yourself, to show me where I am wrong and where it is MY fault that I have brought all this on MYSELF, so blame me THIS time, and show me where I have strayed from Your... advice... that my life should still be so miserable, and You, like them, should be so busy picking at my clean bones, when You not only took over and went on overdrive and told me, among other things, "I have prepared a place for you, says the president of turkey", but You refused me the right to DO anything for myself, and have so constantly interfered with everything that I have been about that You have made me look like an ineffectual fool in everyone's eyes. I am living worse than a dog here, and because of Your grand plan or whatever, I am finding myself the laughingstock of every shithead around, and all THAT because You took it into your head to make over my life?
Well, You are, and will always be, an asshole in my eyes, and, it goes without saying that never will I thaw from the seething hatred I have for You and make You anything like a friend, so fuck You.
I am going to think of a way around this.
i may not be able to outfox You, but i will never ever bow to You or anyone, and I am just so ready to explode, however, that I am going to force this issue, and if You will not involve Yourself, and do as You have done to keep me hobbled, then all Your fancy promises are going down the drain,because I do NOT care if I repeat the same mistakes over and over again, I WILL NOT be held back by some silly females, ever again.
I choose to make war, whatever it takes. yesss!
*******************************************
I have no idea what I am going to do, but I have never lived by being a planner as far as life is concerned. I mean what is the fucking point of caring when from birth some freaking thing is sic'ed on me so that I can not even break my bones, or even die like normal people, and the ...weak... reason that is given is that I am born... independent.And so, because I do not think like everyone else, it is not good for me to walk on in life without my personal protective equipment, because I am... unique.
fuck that!
I want to die, even if that means hell, or whatever, because this life is so full of shit I can not stand it anymore.
fuck it, I have a mind I can not use:- I have to tone myself down everytime I am speaking to people, and everytime I forget myself a little and give out a bit of what I am capable of, guess what, my life flips over, and I find mmyself having to defend myself simply because none of you shitheads even knows enough of his or her ignorance to think twice about the obvious things that I see and speak about. None of you assholes even goes, "I have heard some of the things that you say, I have tested them and found you right/wrong" No, all you do is stare at me like I am some poisonous insect, and carry on with conversations over my head, as if I am not even around, and I have to thank God for giving me 15 years of ... life... among you silly fools!
fuck, what a life.
it would elp if I could get drunk, if I could pass out an forget all that, if I could have an end to all this, somehow, and just ....
What is the point!
I suppose I am just going to have to kill everyone, and fuck all this bullshit.
***************************************************************************
this purple hazy makes me crazy
makes me write notes too
and thats what pays me
but I'm not the only occupation boy
to get jamaica gimme medication
when farmer grows it
he knows he flows withthe economical benefits
taken to those who have itbut we are juggling
party system want to keep man struggling
people are use it dont abuse it
cause the concentration where refuse it
thats why earth wanna remember the wise ones
on the throne and the grave of king solomon
it is good fir the eyesight and the chest-ite
and to give you enough insight
just gimme the light
and make we blaze it
legalise it
time fir recognise it.
We be burning up concerningwhat nobody wanna say
....
Fuck, what a miserable life I live!
Fuck, I am burning up because everything is so wrong, and I am NOT even interested in being here to begin with. The other day I was reading a book on the planets, stars and stuff and I thought my mind would be engaged for once creatively in doing something that was challenging, that would, for a little while, enable me to forget my misery as I tackled something fit for me.
but here I am, stuck in these dead end things, because I am not even sure just WTF God wants from ME!
fuck it, I am so fed up with trying to figure Him out, that I would as soon never hear His voice, or any voice, in my head ever agin. As He had been silent in the formative years of my life, so let Him just regress into that same silence, instead of fighting over me with these people like I am some prize piece of meat or something. Fuck Him!
********************************************************************
I think I am going to end up just losing it, here, because I am so sure this time i have gone totally over the edge. I ahve been angry with God before, but I have never been this ... completely... totally hopeless before. This is what I have been hiding inside all this time, thinking there is something like some caveat between me and Him that would enable me to ... justify Him, and say He is right and I am wrong, but I was thinking the other day that He knew all along what would happen, and He spoke to me the one time, back home, when i had finally given up on the girl I took, and was with a friend and we were praying and asking Him to guide us into the proper path, and as soon as I finished my turn, the words of Psalm 51 were suddenly burned on my mind.
yeah, you would think I am making it up, bu I showed it somewhere already, when i showed that he had HUD'd to me, "he who offers praise glorifies Me/ and to him who orders his conduct aright I will show the salvation of God", and all this time, I was so busy concentrating on the 'ordering of my conduct aright' that I forgot that He never said, "he who praises Me" but that it was He who "offers" praise, almost as if He was speaking of a specific person who would seek to praise Him, and be rejected from such praise, because it is not required by Him that the person 'offer' the praise.
God never intended for us to be 'friends',and while I do not know WHY on His side, I KNOW that I am titally incapable of giving it anyway, because He has nothing to offer that I want, and what I want he will not give me.
so, people, never think that YOUR offers will make the least dent in my life, unless of course there are 20 of you with guns and knives, and I am in an experimental mood to see just how tough my prison is, and i may just take you up on your offers of unreasoning unrehearsed violence, and maybe I could laugh a little.
or, if you are the smug women, you could think of unconditional... obeisance... because i am not in th reasoning frame of mind, see?
I think I have spoken enough. I am now going on lockdown, and entering berserker mode. Now, I hope everyone knows their places, yesss!
because the grim reaper, the hopeless one, is on the warpath, as of ... NOW!
Enjoy your trips to hell, assholes!
This is my last post. Fuck you all
REALLY, it is depressing, because my main agenda HAS been to piss God off to the extent that He would say, Enough, I am going to kill you now for that, but if He Himself never sees any of my attempts for what they are, and I am walking on the ground, or like a ship sailing in the ocean, trying to find the staircase to heaven, I end up NOT getting even off the ground; why the fuck should I bother if I can never make my ocean meet the sky?
I will be honest, I think all this is a bunch of crap, and I see just how thing is the ice I am walking on, and frankly I am longing for the time to come when I end up being put in a corner, or confronted by some asshole who decides to put my words to the test, and I had thought the time had come today when I saw the brainy chick walk towards me as I walked past the harbour entrance, and inside I crowed. Now, since I am being honest, I thought that she would stop me and give me a piece of her mind, and I was already in battle mode, as she approached, and was thinking that all she had to do was just open her mouth and tell me to behave, but for some reason, although we made eye contact, she walked on past, and i found myself wondering if EVERYONE was so fucking afraid of me they would not openly defy me, and give me a reason to explode.
or maybe, as i am getting to begrudgingly acknowledge, the woman actually thinks a whole lot different to what I am thinking.
I regard everyone as a threat, as something to be destroyed, as a waste of time, and I am therefore confused when someone insists that I am wrong in my perception of the person, and yet does not try to get me mad. It is so infuriating.
Then there is the fact that I KNOW that there is absolutely NO reason that will make me keep anyone alive who, for whatever reason , was... attached ... to someone the moment she looked my way.And so, I was forced to conclude that it ... appears that there are women that would make me satisfy my need for revenge and also leave me with playthings for the future since i would not have to destroy them, and that these women are not the type I had to drag out of their current... lifestyles, but that they are already, with the suspicious probable exception of allison, whose lifestyle is so much of a mystery I am not even going to bother trying to figure it out, single and unattached.
so, since she also begged to differ with me, I am having to re-instate the red-head, who showed up today, much to my consternation, and then gave me time to look her over and realise, once and for all, that she, and they,them five, [dont know whether that applies to nicky? or not, since she regards me as something beneath foot level, I think] are not the type of people that would be busy making me unhappy with their ... fuck is this for real?
I am thinking that there is this thing that God has been stressing, that I do not NEED to fight to have women, and that I do not need to fight Him about them, so I do not need to start a war, or try to be anything more than a mere word merchant as far as these women are concerned, since it appears there are some crazy people out there that will buy my speeches, and take heed, and act, or so it seems.
I am not so sure, because all I am getting now are mixed signals, but I am looking at my past, where i took what i wanted, and lived to regret it, so in love was I with death at the time, and I tend to admit that having to make a woman do as I want, while using her, without her making up hwe own mid that she will be with me on my terms, is a forom if hell for myself, since I WILL be just angering myself in the process and ending up killing the woman anyway.
so,I wonder, as I did in the morning, if MY terms mean anything to any of these women, but, knowing the contrariness of them silly whores, I am inclined to think, God notwithstanding, because I understand that what they are supposed to see they turn a blind eye to, and what they are supposed to hear they overlook, and focus ion worthless things, like for example walking all over me [I WILL get to the point where I am going to kill the suckers who do that, I see that, clearly],anyway, and so I am inclined to wonder if this insistence of God's on no warfare is worth anything, because I am pissed off with these same women.
doesnt matter to me if they are right or not, if they care about me or not, because I do not get anything from their meddling with my space except aggravation, and I am getting to the point where i am thinking of closing my ears and eyes to THEM, and just taking those I that did not have to hear me make any speech, but did the correct thing, because they weighed in everything and did not think that pissing on me was a way that would get them points.
Fuck You, God for wasting my time, and fuck these women of Yours. You tell me that Your yoke is easy, and THIS is the fucking price I have to pay for You giving me 15 years of a miserable life that I did not ask of You You asshole!
Fuck You!
Grrrrrr!!!!
I am sick and tired of words, and I want to act, I want MY misery to end, and I want my hell to be over, and if I visit it on everyone else, then so be it, but I refuse to be held back so that I can be a word merchant to bitches with their heads up their asses who think I owe them a favour or some such bullshit.
i am calling You out, Asshole. You are so eager to defend Yourself, to show me where I am wrong and where it is MY fault that I have brought all this on MYSELF, so blame me THIS time, and show me where I have strayed from Your... advice... that my life should still be so miserable, and You, like them, should be so busy picking at my clean bones, when You not only took over and went on overdrive and told me, among other things, "I have prepared a place for you, says the president of turkey", but You refused me the right to DO anything for myself, and have so constantly interfered with everything that I have been about that You have made me look like an ineffectual fool in everyone's eyes. I am living worse than a dog here, and because of Your grand plan or whatever, I am finding myself the laughingstock of every shithead around, and all THAT because You took it into your head to make over my life?
Well, You are, and will always be, an asshole in my eyes, and, it goes without saying that never will I thaw from the seething hatred I have for You and make You anything like a friend, so fuck You.
I am going to think of a way around this.
i may not be able to outfox You, but i will never ever bow to You or anyone, and I am just so ready to explode, however, that I am going to force this issue, and if You will not involve Yourself, and do as You have done to keep me hobbled, then all Your fancy promises are going down the drain,because I do NOT care if I repeat the same mistakes over and over again, I WILL NOT be held back by some silly females, ever again.
I choose to make war, whatever it takes. yesss!
*******************************************
I have no idea what I am going to do, but I have never lived by being a planner as far as life is concerned. I mean what is the fucking point of caring when from birth some freaking thing is sic'ed on me so that I can not even break my bones, or even die like normal people, and the ...weak... reason that is given is that I am born... independent.And so, because I do not think like everyone else, it is not good for me to walk on in life without my personal protective equipment, because I am... unique.
fuck that!
I want to die, even if that means hell, or whatever, because this life is so full of shit I can not stand it anymore.
fuck it, I have a mind I can not use:- I have to tone myself down everytime I am speaking to people, and everytime I forget myself a little and give out a bit of what I am capable of, guess what, my life flips over, and I find mmyself having to defend myself simply because none of you shitheads even knows enough of his or her ignorance to think twice about the obvious things that I see and speak about. None of you assholes even goes, "I have heard some of the things that you say, I have tested them and found you right/wrong" No, all you do is stare at me like I am some poisonous insect, and carry on with conversations over my head, as if I am not even around, and I have to thank God for giving me 15 years of ... life... among you silly fools!
fuck, what a life.
it would elp if I could get drunk, if I could pass out an forget all that, if I could have an end to all this, somehow, and just ....
What is the point!
I suppose I am just going to have to kill everyone, and fuck all this bullshit.
***************************************************************************
this purple hazy makes me crazy
makes me write notes too
and thats what pays me
but I'm not the only occupation boy
to get jamaica gimme medication
when farmer grows it
he knows he flows withthe economical benefits
taken to those who have itbut we are juggling
party system want to keep man struggling
people are use it dont abuse it
cause the concentration where refuse it
thats why earth wanna remember the wise ones
on the throne and the grave of king solomon
it is good fir the eyesight and the chest-ite
and to give you enough insight
just gimme the light
and make we blaze it
legalise it
time fir recognise it.
We be burning up concerningwhat nobody wanna say
....
Fuck, what a miserable life I live!
Fuck, I am burning up because everything is so wrong, and I am NOT even interested in being here to begin with. The other day I was reading a book on the planets, stars and stuff and I thought my mind would be engaged for once creatively in doing something that was challenging, that would, for a little while, enable me to forget my misery as I tackled something fit for me.
but here I am, stuck in these dead end things, because I am not even sure just WTF God wants from ME!
fuck it, I am so fed up with trying to figure Him out, that I would as soon never hear His voice, or any voice, in my head ever agin. As He had been silent in the formative years of my life, so let Him just regress into that same silence, instead of fighting over me with these people like I am some prize piece of meat or something. Fuck Him!
********************************************************************
I think I am going to end up just losing it, here, because I am so sure this time i have gone totally over the edge. I ahve been angry with God before, but I have never been this ... completely... totally hopeless before. This is what I have been hiding inside all this time, thinking there is something like some caveat between me and Him that would enable me to ... justify Him, and say He is right and I am wrong, but I was thinking the other day that He knew all along what would happen, and He spoke to me the one time, back home, when i had finally given up on the girl I took, and was with a friend and we were praying and asking Him to guide us into the proper path, and as soon as I finished my turn, the words of Psalm 51 were suddenly burned on my mind.
yeah, you would think I am making it up, bu I showed it somewhere already, when i showed that he had HUD'd to me, "he who offers praise glorifies Me/ and to him who orders his conduct aright I will show the salvation of God", and all this time, I was so busy concentrating on the 'ordering of my conduct aright' that I forgot that He never said, "he who praises Me" but that it was He who "offers" praise, almost as if He was speaking of a specific person who would seek to praise Him, and be rejected from such praise, because it is not required by Him that the person 'offer' the praise.
God never intended for us to be 'friends',and while I do not know WHY on His side, I KNOW that I am titally incapable of giving it anyway, because He has nothing to offer that I want, and what I want he will not give me.
so, people, never think that YOUR offers will make the least dent in my life, unless of course there are 20 of you with guns and knives, and I am in an experimental mood to see just how tough my prison is, and i may just take you up on your offers of unreasoning unrehearsed violence, and maybe I could laugh a little.
or, if you are the smug women, you could think of unconditional... obeisance... because i am not in th reasoning frame of mind, see?
I think I have spoken enough. I am now going on lockdown, and entering berserker mode. Now, I hope everyone knows their places, yesss!
because the grim reaper, the hopeless one, is on the warpath, as of ... NOW!
Enjoy your trips to hell, assholes!
This is my last post. Fuck you all
