Something is ... seriously... wrong somewhere inside me, because I am trying to keep my head above the waters but i am still sinking, and none of this makes any sense anymore.As I write, I have allison busy with the Cd's or DVD's off to my left, and I have made no acknowledgement of her, at all, and while i am sure that her presence is a story in itself, and i am supposed to grasp something there, I am still to wrapped up in the mist of confusion that has infused me for quite a while now i am unable to respond. I wish I could stop everything, and walk up to her or anyone, and just say that it is over, that there will be no warfare anymore, but I can not. Something is still not right.
wait, she has gone to the counter now; I wonder if she will try to make some more obvious statement about her being around... yes, she did, and she spoke very loudly in the unmistakeable french tone of hers...
ha, what a life. Now, I think I can carry on.
I was, and am, busy trying to unravel the knots of my life, and I have found out something, over the course of the night, that has me thinking.
now, strange, is it not, that I never bothered with anything more overt than masturbation when I was growing up, and that I ended up having sex AFTER God had happened and i was trying to kill myself, yes?
but waht if i told you the rest of it, and how it was partly God's fault that I am even now thinking OF sex?
Now, I had been there, done that, and I was infected, and that was in 2003 or is it 2004, but it was definitely AFTER i was ill, early in the year, maybe january, when i had this vision of a cousin of mine, in the road outside my parents' home, walking from the east to the west, and she had a book in her hand, and it was open so that I could see it from where I was ... viewing things... and you iknow that blank page that comes after that bit about how so and so, the author, has satisfied the law as to claims of him being the recognised , bla bla, and no part of this should be stored in a retrieval system, copied et.c., and all that? THAT blank page. It seemed as if it had had a finger bore a hole right in the middle of it, and after it, all the pages, which were all hanging open the way she was holding it, were clearly visible, and she was pointin, or gesturing with the book in her hand towards the gate of my father's house, her head lowered in a manner an idiot uses , or a child faced with difficult math, for example, when trying to concentrate. just FYI, my father has a nameplate visible even from the gate stuck to the wall, and it goes A.T.M. Mutasa, in white letters on a black, shiny background. and my cousing has a name, of course, my father's younger brother's eldest daughter, and it is Tariro [hope or expectation,or basically what is looked for] Angela Mashora
Well, when I later met the girl, and I was thinking of using her, to get back at my mother, sex was not on the agenda, but rather, since i had nothing to lose, I felt I would not go to my grave -I mean, fuck it, God only heals when You either obey, repent or ask, right?, so I was safe there, see, or so I thought- without payback, and when i discovered that the initials of the girl's name were JSN, like jason, the famous argonaut who was nicknamed 'pharmacos' [if you have not heard of him, well, ...] and thus had HIS name synonymous with 'healer', I assumed that she would be the means for me to be healed, and I ... almost... told her about my status,but then decided to let things ride.
We got involved, and i got to ... know... her, and then, when I complained to God about how He had saddled me with a breeder, and how I hated it, THAT was when He distanced Himself from the whole scenario, and left me feeling foolish, with His "Isaiah 6: 1-13" thing, and I was like, WTF?
So WHO the fuck was in the vision, and ... anyway, I never bothered to find out, but, here is a curious thing. In the course of my involvement with Jacqueline Salengu Ngwenya, some kind of transformation had come into me.
I was, from that time on, seeking out single mothers, because I had decided that any woman stupid enough to try to get involved with me when she had a kid deserved to die, because THAT was insulting, and the point of the matter was that i ended up not even caring what happened to the women. they deserved what they got, the fools, I concluded, and THIS is not some amoral fool's decision, or tha conclusion of a person that makes ends meet, people. I am, curiously, never in... NEED... of twisting my words or ways to suit the situation, but rather, I only act as I am convinced is ... right, and that ONLY when I have weighed in everything, and then some more.
i guess you could say I have rigid standards, and well, i was not aware that, while thinking I was irritating God, I was actually, actively, judging people.
Till I ended up here in South Africa, and then I met the person who... satisfied... all the requirements of the vision, fromthe fact that she TOLD me that she had been sent by the holy spirit to "stop me in my tracks" [angela, messenger], and then she, with her 'boyfriend' tried to have me sent home, back to my parents', and all that because i had rejected her on sight, and would not even touch her with a long pole. the hole in the book;- funny enough, when translated into the shona language, a 'hole' is 'bored', which is 'ku-boora', and the thing that bores 'boora', is a 'mu-booro', and THAT is so obviously like saying 'mboro';=> penis, because THAT is where the name for the penis comes from.So, it was because of sex the woman wanted me gone from the area. hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and all that.
Well, anyway, I was already a judge by then, and was getting more and more unlike the little boy that would do nothing but imagine things, so that by the time she pissed me off, this girl unleashed a flood, and I started reacting. First, I used my mind to reason that the only type of 'friend' a leech like michelle could have would be someone she could use, and that the person would have to be rather... weak... in the head to be so easily manipulated by the bitch, but, since I am NOT interested in using people, except when they are interested in being with me, I asked to 'see' this person, and for a while i had visions, and then, later, i saw her in the flesh, and decided, after she had pissed me off with her brother, that I would have her have a friend, of MY choosing, so I would not kill her.
Which is why, after consideration, I will NOT take teh redhead, because I hate manipulative women. if the five silly women will show up on MY terms, then the fifth will have to be the RAV-4 woman, because i will be sure that each of these, except for nicky? who MUST adhere to my condition, will be alone.
THEN I will destroy everything. capisce?
wait, she has gone to the counter now; I wonder if she will try to make some more obvious statement about her being around... yes, she did, and she spoke very loudly in the unmistakeable french tone of hers...
ha, what a life. Now, I think I can carry on.
I was, and am, busy trying to unravel the knots of my life, and I have found out something, over the course of the night, that has me thinking.
now, strange, is it not, that I never bothered with anything more overt than masturbation when I was growing up, and that I ended up having sex AFTER God had happened and i was trying to kill myself, yes?
but waht if i told you the rest of it, and how it was partly God's fault that I am even now thinking OF sex?
Now, I had been there, done that, and I was infected, and that was in 2003 or is it 2004, but it was definitely AFTER i was ill, early in the year, maybe january, when i had this vision of a cousin of mine, in the road outside my parents' home, walking from the east to the west, and she had a book in her hand, and it was open so that I could see it from where I was ... viewing things... and you iknow that blank page that comes after that bit about how so and so, the author, has satisfied the law as to claims of him being the recognised , bla bla, and no part of this should be stored in a retrieval system, copied et.c., and all that? THAT blank page. It seemed as if it had had a finger bore a hole right in the middle of it, and after it, all the pages, which were all hanging open the way she was holding it, were clearly visible, and she was pointin, or gesturing with the book in her hand towards the gate of my father's house, her head lowered in a manner an idiot uses , or a child faced with difficult math, for example, when trying to concentrate. just FYI, my father has a nameplate visible even from the gate stuck to the wall, and it goes A.T.M. Mutasa, in white letters on a black, shiny background. and my cousing has a name, of course, my father's younger brother's eldest daughter, and it is Tariro [hope or expectation,or basically what is looked for] Angela Mashora
Well, when I later met the girl, and I was thinking of using her, to get back at my mother, sex was not on the agenda, but rather, since i had nothing to lose, I felt I would not go to my grave -I mean, fuck it, God only heals when You either obey, repent or ask, right?, so I was safe there, see, or so I thought- without payback, and when i discovered that the initials of the girl's name were JSN, like jason, the famous argonaut who was nicknamed 'pharmacos' [if you have not heard of him, well, ...] and thus had HIS name synonymous with 'healer', I assumed that she would be the means for me to be healed, and I ... almost... told her about my status,but then decided to let things ride.
We got involved, and i got to ... know... her, and then, when I complained to God about how He had saddled me with a breeder, and how I hated it, THAT was when He distanced Himself from the whole scenario, and left me feeling foolish, with His "Isaiah 6: 1-13" thing, and I was like, WTF?
So WHO the fuck was in the vision, and ... anyway, I never bothered to find out, but, here is a curious thing. In the course of my involvement with Jacqueline Salengu Ngwenya, some kind of transformation had come into me.
I was, from that time on, seeking out single mothers, because I had decided that any woman stupid enough to try to get involved with me when she had a kid deserved to die, because THAT was insulting, and the point of the matter was that i ended up not even caring what happened to the women. they deserved what they got, the fools, I concluded, and THIS is not some amoral fool's decision, or tha conclusion of a person that makes ends meet, people. I am, curiously, never in... NEED... of twisting my words or ways to suit the situation, but rather, I only act as I am convinced is ... right, and that ONLY when I have weighed in everything, and then some more.
i guess you could say I have rigid standards, and well, i was not aware that, while thinking I was irritating God, I was actually, actively, judging people.
Till I ended up here in South Africa, and then I met the person who... satisfied... all the requirements of the vision, fromthe fact that she TOLD me that she had been sent by the holy spirit to "stop me in my tracks" [angela, messenger], and then she, with her 'boyfriend' tried to have me sent home, back to my parents', and all that because i had rejected her on sight, and would not even touch her with a long pole. the hole in the book;- funny enough, when translated into the shona language, a 'hole' is 'bored', which is 'ku-boora', and the thing that bores 'boora', is a 'mu-booro', and THAT is so obviously like saying 'mboro';=> penis, because THAT is where the name for the penis comes from.So, it was because of sex the woman wanted me gone from the area. hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and all that.
Well, anyway, I was already a judge by then, and was getting more and more unlike the little boy that would do nothing but imagine things, so that by the time she pissed me off, this girl unleashed a flood, and I started reacting. First, I used my mind to reason that the only type of 'friend' a leech like michelle could have would be someone she could use, and that the person would have to be rather... weak... in the head to be so easily manipulated by the bitch, but, since I am NOT interested in using people, except when they are interested in being with me, I asked to 'see' this person, and for a while i had visions, and then, later, i saw her in the flesh, and decided, after she had pissed me off with her brother, that I would have her have a friend, of MY choosing, so I would not kill her.
Which is why, after consideration, I will NOT take teh redhead, because I hate manipulative women. if the five silly women will show up on MY terms, then the fifth will have to be the RAV-4 woman, because i will be sure that each of these, except for nicky? who MUST adhere to my condition, will be alone.
THEN I will destroy everything. capisce?
