I am probably the smartest guy I have ever met, but then, what has been happening has had me so off the rails that I can not really be blamed for being more than a touch too... slow... on the uptake, yes?
Because everything that God does is for a reason, and for long while I have been openly puzzling about WHY the Almighty came when He did and also WHY He did NOT say anything.
It is NOT about my mother, it is NOT about the holy spirit, it is, and has always been, about ME.
He came when He knew the time had come for me to grasp the... enormity... of what He had already done, and also to open my eyes to the truth that even now I am having a LOT of trouble grappling with;- that He has placed UNLIMITED power at my disposal.
And that... ah, but you will see, yes?
Now, thing is, I am what anyone who has any kind of perception would call a skeptic. I have seen enough of what goes on even in schools to know that it is not just an acceptable ... 'theory'... that is in itself valid, but the proving of such is what either validates or causes to be discarded, the said theory. In most cases, however, the theory itself, or the proof itself, like most physics theories, for instance, is very flawed but accepted because of convention.
So, when God happened, even though I accepted that this was God, and dabbled a bit in the bible to realise that what had happened was indeed a phenomenon that was in itself nothing short of supernatural; I was totally unconvinced. Of His intent.
because EVERYONE wants something. Thought I could figure out what He wanted, and so, close the door on Him.Didn't work, because He started talking. And making promises. And living up to them. Which, for a detached person like me, was the Ultimate horror.And was a barrier I could not breach.
Then, when I was now done with seeking death, and trying to run away from whatever He had to say -because frankly, the unclean spirit, christ, demons, people, even my mother, are as nothing when brought up against the IMMANENT reality that is the Ever-Living God, and His ineluctable eye on me [I mean, where can one run to? From GOD?]- and I was now at least ready to face whatever I had to, He had me ask Him for ten women.
That was last year.
on the morning of the ninth of January.
just before dawn.
And I MET every one of the women.
And exchanged NO words with them,
even CALLED for one of them, as I rejected both michelle and her friend [incidentally, no one has TOLD me that michelle and nicky? are friends, and that nicky? is butt-head's sister, and I have been at pains to lay this out because I want it all so very clear that I am CHEATING, and that the rules do not apply to me]and the way the person ... acted when she came left me with my mouth open. Because she left me with no room to lay a finger on anything she had done and say, "ah ha! She was just worried for herself or for her children...", because this was in broad daylight and I was in no way behaiving in a threatening manner to anyone;- I had turned my back on the whole lot and was going about my business, and so, could not be said to have had any motive to harm them, and yet she did the turn-her-back-and-turn-to-face-me-again thing, and she had no reason to do THAT!
Unless she was telling me by pantomime that SHE had made up HER mind about ME. That although SHE was scared, SHE wanted to be around me.
And I had a dirty overcoat on, was probably scratching myself for fleas and did not smell so good, and she had come in a merc, had an ass that her loose jeans could not hide, and she was definitely not some cheap woman with some neurosis about black men and tales of rape and atrocities.
Fact is, I can say the same for all the other nine, even the persistent girl with her glasses, and well, they ALL had some ass on them [turns out I like asses, because some people really look good even from behind, and I am not the type of person that likes confronattion so much, and so, if I can loom at a person when the person does not notice my scrutiny and LIKE the person, then the person is probably safe with me;- and oh, I really do LIKE women, as long as they do not step on my toes]and so, ok, I have accepted that this THING with God is for real.
Because what comes NOW is the... deadly... part.
Past two days, I went walkabout, in simonstown, the first because I needed books, and then yesterday because it was bothering me that I would send people to a watery grave, and could I do it, or qwould I be waiting for it to happen on its own or was this some kind of sick joke, see?
so I went to reconnoitre the situation.And then made the mistake of waiting for the train and talking to a couple of cyclists who had NOT done the whole cape ARgus tour thing because the guy's wife was not well, but they had booked the place and paid the airline tickets from Pretoria and so HAD to show.
And it struck me that people had NO idea that I could, if I wanted to, destroy their lives and owed them no explanation.
but then, the conversation also showed me something about myself, and that is why I am sitting here NOW;-
I want to DO everything myself.
If people are to die, then I want them to see my face when they die, and I want that... ability... to do moe than just call the people as I called that girl;- I want to haul them up in the air, like I am the cartoon character magneto[X-Men] when he levitates iron things, and bring them, before me for a face to face, and then, instead of waiting for the earth to make up its ... silicates... about what to do, I want the ability to completely OVERRIDE it, and everything else in creation, just so that I can order things the way I want.
if it means teleporting to the white house and being with obama when he dies, so that he KNOWS, the moment he goes to hell, that I, me myself, am responsible for that, then good, because THAT is exactly what I want, and also, if it means I rip zuma out of bed and bring him to some spot overlooking Khayelitsha so that he watches as I bury millions of Xhosas in retaliation for the xenophobic attacks, so that he knows he is next and it is no dream if HE does not do as I order, then good.
If I have to call my cousin from wherever he is in durban and then bring him to me and have him repeat to my face what he spoke on the phone, then good.
if I ahve to haul butt-head, faggot face and moto kia and have them before me on some isolated spot and then have them look me in the eye as I dismember THEM and then cast them boneless in hell, then VERY good.
The rest I can let live, especially the women, till they KNOW why I am so... angry... because right now they do not seem to get it.
NOW that is ME.
