I have been wondering at God, trying to figure out just why, if He is 'able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or imagine'; He is NOT doing a single thing to ... help me.
Till, at the end of it all, I realised the single REASON why He is unable to... act... as far as I am concerned, and that reason, I must --hesitantly-- say I am proud to announce; is ME.
I look at God this way:- he does not NEED anything from me, but said I must be myself, meaning there is no... vested interest from His side to ensure I do what he would like done; it is enough for Him to have me study things for myself and just take everything into my own hands and do as I see fit.
Because if HE was the one running things, I would be wondering, as I used to, and have frequently done even in my posts, just how He could say he cares for me when my life is this much of a dump at the moment.
but then, as i said, it is about ME, and what I can not tolerate.
I can not stand someone waltzing into my life and trying to organise it, telling me how i ought to live in order to be acceptable. If the only thing i can be said to have is my pride, then there is too much of THAT in me to alloe ANYONE the freedom to tell me what to do. Or do me favours. Or regard me as a needy charity case.
I remember once, when I met michelle in Fish Hoek, the day after she had taken me out, and she was sitting outside Pick 'n' Pay entrance enjoying a pie, that she immediately offered me the rest of it, as if she was saying, "you are needy, here, take this, because your life, anyone can see; sucks". I declined, because to me her attitude was insulting.
I never asked her for help, because frankly I did not need it, and her intimating that I NEEDED something from her, when I had CHOSEN, after looking at all the alternatives, to take this particular way of life, was really, to me degrading me, and putting me down as someone having no personal dignity.
Which reminds me:- I was yesterday whole day in an argument with God, about letting some people off, and His adamant response left me in no doubt that while to me things may be bad but not really serious, to Him everything is NO laughing matter.
I said I was not interested in wiping off the whole clan or clans of the OSC, and He responded by pointing out that "In this life, there is no room for everybody", and I knew that my... faint hopes that I could ... happen ... to take some female from the OSC and thus not have to kill everyone there were suddenly about to become not just fainter but totally obliterated.I am going to have to find out how to fly, and I am goint to have to exterminate everyone from that side.
EVERY SINGLE ONE. (I Think:- I am not sure here)
Maybe the reason can be found in examining these salient facts, facts that would make someone maybe see WHY I can not let these people live nor allow anyone of them to have anything to do with me:-
1) these people started off as my enemies, as people I have had no intention to have anywhere near me, and they later on showed up all over, showing off their ... supposed... superiority over me, all of which exercises did not go as they thought, because I am not only still here, but I am growing, and I am NOT letting go the anger that seeks a way out in me.
2) having anyone that has had something to do with any facet of my unhappiness; with whom I have either exchanged words about getting out of my way, is really NOT to the good of that person, because if I have to SAY/write something, then THAT person has no place in... my world.
jesus, your 'christ', said "my sheep hear my voice, and they follow me", and it is the same with me, only my 'voice' is a... eh... substantial being, and he is the one tasked with sorting out the chaff from the wheat, and leaving the wheat for me to see.
I guess I HAVE to say this, in case the OSC is paying attention and thinking me desperate:- THIS morning I was in S/Town, because I needed to confirm something to myself, among other things;
Remember I had said there were two women missing, and that if I got to fifteen then i would be ready to move and stuff?
Well, I was not looking, and was trying to find out just who the two are, and I had dismissed the girl from the court-thing because she had obviously NOT shown up to court dressed like that, but rather had been arrested in the clothes she was wearing, and been released early that day in court, hence the lawyer and the departure and her shame.Now I hate people who get embroiled in these civil cases, just as i hate male-ish women.
So, I would not have anything much to do with her.
What I wanted to confirm was this:- after realising that God did indeed GIVE what I now call "God Assists" to me in the case of the ten women, and that the 'three' were women who were distinct in that, without Him actually pointing them out to me, He hinted, once in a vision {the girl with the smile in that vision about a girl 'climbing up' over the sea} once with a word of expecting the unexpected {woman with the sweet smile} and once when I myself, at a prompt from Him to let my anger out, called someone after I had seen nicky? and been very unhappy with what I saw {woman with her complex behaviour at the beach on that Saturday}... anyway, after I realised that He does meddle but in an indirect way, I was thinking of the day He had told me that I ought to stay 'by the seaside' when I wanted to go to Capricorn and see people and thus hopefully have a change of diet.
I stayed, and when I was coming out of the hut, and walking to the toilet block, this girl, about 100m away [that was what I was checking] suddenly stood up, walked from the sea-side of the low wall, and hurried over to the VW minibus with tow kids in tow.
girl had been partially facing my way, and I had seen boobs in a low cut brassiere, and been impressed, and been walking closer to view them, when she , as soon as I saw them, from that distance, got up and went to the car and ... disappointingly... covered her breasts with a clinging black T-shirt.
In was not happy, because there were other people there, and she was not the slightest bit unfazed about THEM, and the moment I show up, she covers herself, and so, as I glumly passed the car, I was struck by how she was bobbing up and down and trying to look at her behind in the mirror of a red car nearby, maybe another VW [Golf] and then she turned to me as if to ask if she was OK now.
Like it mattered.
I pointedly looked at her legs and when I passed by again, she was in a pair of faded but tight jeans, and they left none of her pleasing legs to the imgination.
Well, I guess she is the fourth.
I would be lying if I said I have settled on the fifth as yet.
Because I am not certain about a lot of things.
