God happens to me, right, and what do I do? Am I glad that He has come? That He , The AWESOMELY COMPLEX Creator Whose BREADTH of mind can not evn begin to be comprehended, has actually taken time out to do something He has never done before for anyone; to say to ME, Tungamirai Mashora, then aged 15 that HE has seen me and 'accepted' what He has seen?
No, instead, I am morose, and it only hit me totally yesterday just WHY.
In my view, the perfect world would be one in which i do not exist.
I am not even interested in ANYTHING that goes on, and before i came to the grudging realisation that the door to self-termination was irrevocably closed to me, by the same God, I was sure i would rather be even in hell than live among people. because i hate people. I consider everyone, and that includes the Most High God Himself, as violating my space, because I can not bear to have people's demands made on me.because I do not even want to be here in the first place.
but I am, and when i asked God, or had Him make me ask Him in the roundabout/convoluted way that these things happened, for ten women who would see without being told the precarious nature of my... being, i, as it turned out, was asking Him to open MY eyes to what I really am.
And boy did they read me. And boy did I find out that the sole reason I am alive, despite various efforts on my part, was because I have had, a 'keeper' from birth whose purpose is to make sure that I continue to exist, and to switch to automatic whenever i try the manual self-destruct route. That and to warn people off of me when they get close to me.
And take me where I am inclined to go, despite not really being interested in much, since it goes without saying that the one thing I would rather be CANNOT be made accessible to me.
EVER.
Which is why people who... chose... to brave my anger, with eyes open, did so with such ... fear... that even I was left nonplussed for a loooong time.
but then, they are not the only ones.
before this, there were five women who acted in a simlar manner, but I was blind to all that, and dismissed them and their actions, and yet, now that i think of it, and leaning on the visions I have had, which all point to five women who i did not count or who were 'in the darkness', so to speak, i find, without even trying, that, well, maybe God's ... load... is not that heavy, because if i can be heard and read without effort by these women, then i do not have to retreat into my own mind and switch everyone off.
Those who dwelt in darkness
I will start with the most dramatic, which happened right here at Simonstown library. So, I am waiting for the library to open and this lady is coming out of court, and at first glannce i am like, who the fuck goes to court dressed like that? because she had on one of those skin tight black thingies, and a jersey which did not even reach the female equivalent of her crotch, and to cover that she had pulled her white blouse's front down over her front, and still made no success of hiding the area of interest from view.And as she walked up she was as though glued to the elderly lawyer beside her. Then mr-furious-bike-man walks over to the two [eh, i think back THEN the library opened some days at 10;30 am] and he and the quivering lawyer have words in which i make out PI and 'not allowed to see my son' and so I conclude, silly bitch doing things for maintenance money!
As if she herad me, woman turns, ignores everyone totally, and looks my way, without eyeing me directly, something which has puzzled me, till i realised that I do NOT look people in the eye except when we are fighting, then the eye tells you better than anything what the person is likely to do.
Anyway, the chick stands there, and I am wondering what the fuck she wants of me, because there was DEFINITE supplication there. So, I conclude that she wants me to scare off a guy considerbly bigger and heavier than me, and I do so, I just take one step forward, and the guy -cunt- backs off, and even when she gets into the lwyer's car and drives away, it is in my direction the woman is facing.
left with the guy, i try to get him to start a fight, but he backs off and goes away, and i wash the thing from my mind. Till now.
2) Now, there is this one on the train, who did her stiff-necked outrage thing when i dismissed her as being too superficial since she looked suntanned all over, even her neck and ears. I was wondering what the small .. pit-like... thingies on her face would look like when the tan wore off, and anyway, she has that fiery tempered cheek-bone that means she would be a handful, so, too much touble, let me read my book, and guess what; she takes a book out... well, i said all that. Anyway, she ends up on the beach and opens her legs to me when i pass, after trying to show her i am beneath dirt, I STAY in that dingy hut, and she should get someone with class.
3)Then there is the girl with her dog,the broad-hipped one i thought would never give me a second glance and then she pocked her stick in the hut, leapt over the wall, and then actually just stood there. With some other blonde guy. Just waiting. With a bakkie parked beside them. I examined the spot today, and I mean, fuck, THIS happened.When i am thinking to myself that the guy is probably her boyfriend or some re-inforcement the GUY makes a shoving motion at the girl and moves discreetly to one side, away from the chick, and the girl does NOT look directly at me, though i can see she is smirking!
4)Then there is the slim... fuck... thin ... girl at tHIS library, who, when i was JUST thinking that she is so thin i can encircle her whole waist between the thimbs and firstfingers of both my hands, she comes, stands in front of me and then she makes a hand motion as if to say, this is what i am, i can not help it. I see her later as i borad the train at Glencairn... i mean months later... and she seems discomfitted every time, as if i was somehow beating her down with every look, and when she tells someone on the train, 'my boyfriend is a hotel manager' she does so but glances at me as if to say, 'at least i can achieve something, but when I see her later, she refuses to come to the tarin and hides herself at the ticket office and train deprts without her.
5) The red-head psychology girl at Valkneberg, who was distinctly more than friendly and when i got incensed, she tried to soothe me in Afrikaans and acted extremely agitated.
Ah well, I guess I MUST say this:-
FIND these women and bring them to me, and I will depart!
As if she herad me, woman turns, ignores everyone totally, and looks my way, without eyeing me directly, something which has puzzled me, till i realised that I do NOT look people in the eye except when we are fighting, then the eye tells you better than anything what the person is likely to do.
Anyway, the chick stands there, and I am wondering what the fuck she wants of me, because there was DEFINITE supplication there. So, I conclude that she wants me to scare off a guy considerbly bigger and heavier than me, and I do so, I just take one step forward, and the guy -cunt- backs off, and even when she gets into the lwyer's car and drives away, it is in my direction the woman is facing.
left with the guy, i try to get him to start a fight, but he backs off and goes away, and i wash the thing from my mind. Till now.
2) Now, there is this one on the train, who did her stiff-necked outrage thing when i dismissed her as being too superficial since she looked suntanned all over, even her neck and ears. I was wondering what the small .. pit-like... thingies on her face would look like when the tan wore off, and anyway, she has that fiery tempered cheek-bone that means she would be a handful, so, too much touble, let me read my book, and guess what; she takes a book out... well, i said all that. Anyway, she ends up on the beach and opens her legs to me when i pass, after trying to show her i am beneath dirt, I STAY in that dingy hut, and she should get someone with class.
3)Then there is the girl with her dog,the broad-hipped one i thought would never give me a second glance and then she pocked her stick in the hut, leapt over the wall, and then actually just stood there. With some other blonde guy. Just waiting. With a bakkie parked beside them. I examined the spot today, and I mean, fuck, THIS happened.When i am thinking to myself that the guy is probably her boyfriend or some re-inforcement the GUY makes a shoving motion at the girl and moves discreetly to one side, away from the chick, and the girl does NOT look directly at me, though i can see she is smirking!
4)Then there is the slim... fuck... thin ... girl at tHIS library, who, when i was JUST thinking that she is so thin i can encircle her whole waist between the thimbs and firstfingers of both my hands, she comes, stands in front of me and then she makes a hand motion as if to say, this is what i am, i can not help it. I see her later as i borad the train at Glencairn... i mean months later... and she seems discomfitted every time, as if i was somehow beating her down with every look, and when she tells someone on the train, 'my boyfriend is a hotel manager' she does so but glances at me as if to say, 'at least i can achieve something, but when I see her later, she refuses to come to the tarin and hides herself at the ticket office and train deprts without her.
5) The red-head psychology girl at Valkneberg, who was distinctly more than friendly and when i got incensed, she tried to soothe me in Afrikaans and acted extremely agitated.
Ah well, I guess I MUST say this:-
FIND these women and bring them to me, and I will depart!
