Yesterday I decide I am not going anywhere, and so, taking the advice of this rasta guy who stays on the same mountain and who showed me where I could get some water that collected on the rocks from the recebnt rain, I go up a little on the mountain, and fetch some, to cook, so i would not have to make myself visible to the osc and just keep my peace of mind.
I am on the mountain top, and I am looking across the bay, and I can see the lighthouse, and I can see, if i work at it, the houses where the fools stay, and I am like, fuck, they could not possibly be looking up here, so, I do some ...stretching and loosen my limbs.
the climbing has drained all the fat from my body; I am fit, and lean, and what I had lost in speed when it comes to fighting, by adding bulk... I have regained.
I am at the peak og my fighting prowess, like I am... fresh.
But, it is one thing to be fast and able to take on a whole crowd of people, but hey, flesh and blood does NOT fly, and I could never, as I am, just become airborne.
So, I went down to my place, and thought about it, and ate... maybe three meals in a space of a couple of hours, and then came back again up and this time just sat, staring disconsolately at the lighthouse.
That was when God, in a very soft voice, said to me the words I have come to... dread... "Tell Me what you want from Me", and I said, without worrying about any directed "asking", plainly:- "Father, I want to fly;- without wings".
Then I went down.
Funny thing, I went down memory lane, and discovered the real reason I wanted to die, and while I would LIKE to say it was God's... interference, the truth is quite... different, and showed me up in a different light to what I had originally assumed I was.
Let us go back some eleven years in my life, and that is 2002, when everyone has had time to pick up their jaws from the floor at my extra-ordinarily ... ungrateful, let-down, stupid... behaviour.
I mean, there I was, dus wunderkid, the family Crown prince, loaded and primed with so much grey matter I had no equal, and exceptionally good at what I did academically so much so that no one seriously minded my anti-social ways.
till I decided I would just ... NOT... do what was expected of me.
And thus lost the 'respect' of my family, and mostly, my sisters, and became just... a fool.
with no plan.
yet, despite that, I felt quite protective of my family members, my sisters especially, and MOSTLY the one who is just two years and six days younger than me, because she was always into scrapes and was so... vulnerable ...that I always felt this compulsion to look after her.
But she decides , after i spurned my mother's hard work to get me through school, to become an exemplary child, and she espoused my mother's political beliefs wholeheartedly. So much so that she joins the national youth service, and goes for the six month indoctrination, before the 2003 elections.
meanwhile, I am a mind-numbingly dull boilermaker's apprentice, through my mother's tireless efforts to make me into something -and i KNEW i would not finish the course, and the people who inetrviewed me KNEW i would not finish the course{I was over-qualified}- but politics has a way of ignoring the obvious, right?
Anyway, it is 2003, and one morning, as I am in Kwekwe, at the Poly, for my one year's NC in Fabrication Engineering, I wake up with a VERY bad feeling.
Something is wrong.
With a specific someone.
Someone I had appointed myself a guardian over.
my young sister.
true enough, when I cal home that evening, I hear she is back home, and my mother says that she has been sent back because she has 'no blood'.
Now, she may be slimmer than everyone, and almost as tall as me, but I know we come from quite robust stock, and my mother is known for obfuscating the truth, so, immediately, I KNOW what the problem REALLY is, and I decide to come home immediately, and for sure, the girl has no blood.
She looks like a skeleton.
And since one plus one equals two, then the only reason she could be like that, in a sexually permissive environment like she was in... is THE DISEASE.
My sister is dying, before my very eyes.
And there was NOTHING I could do about it.
I was not, remember, on speaking terms with God, because I blamed Him for messing my life up with His insistence on honesty, so I never even... asked for favours from Him. or evn prayed.
I just quietly went to pieces.
Because to myself, I had failed, in the worst possible way.
So, I decided I would die, in the same manner.
It has been ten years now, and while I may be a few months less... infected than her, the girl does not show her face anywhere anymore. She is not on facebook [which I still MUST put completely out of commision], and when my youngest sister graduated at University, although she was at home, there was NO picture of her on her party shots which she posted on her facebook wall.
Reason; she must be quite... unsightly to look at, by now.
She was the lightest of us, a real throwback to my partenal grandmother's Ndebele/coloured background, but, knowing what I know about the disease, she is probably ash black and not even a copious amount of Vaseline would make her skin shine anymore; head is probably hung at an angle because her neck can not support it, and she is probably waffer thin, with hair falling out in huge amounts.
And here I am, living among people, with the gradual realisation dawning on me that I REALLY can not die. I mean, I have taken no pills, done nothing to look after myself... better, but I am basically living fitter than your average person.
It was only yesterday that I grasped the full import of that.
I wanted to die because I had seen myself as so much of a failure that I could not live for myself:- I mean, if my mother hated me so much that I ought to have died so that others would not be prejudiced, then she had to have SOME right, right?
Wrong!
God saw to it that these feelings would NOT get in the way of the truth, and He did something that he has done for NO ONE else... ever:- He gave a piece of Himself, and put that in me, and I had no idea that I actually have had a direct, indisputable, link with the AWESOME God from birth... or conception... and THAT, people, is what will enable me to... fly... without wings.
As soon as I stop beating myself over the head trying to blame myself for what others do all on their own.
See, thing is, God KNEW that the kind of world I would want is the one where, instead of doing things for others out of guilt, I would do NOTHING FOR anyone; instead i would do them for ME, for my gratification.
hence, me having the thing about ten women, with five thrown in, with the last one of the five being the ONLY reason I ever even considered allison, because when I accpetd that girl with her... face... I also realised I had no real reason to just throw that chick out like that.
Since i never actually saw her try to get anything out of me, like butt-head's mom, nicky and michelle did.
Although i am rather unhappy that she ... pretended... with me.
Anyway, maybe that is something that I will never have, that woman, because well, once I ... release the total... me, then it would be too late for her.
