But, I must admit, I felt... cheated.
I had known all along that I was deliberately NOT doing anything productive, and so, because of that, shouldn't have attracted God's notice, except, of course, that He had seen through me, and was rebuking me for pretending to be... stupid.
So, for example, when He told me about the webs we wove when we deceived, I felt like He had added a very big load on my shoulders, and, worse, when I, in an effort to free myself from parental responsibilities, decided that I would win US$1m, and give some of it as tithes and the rest to my mom and thus be rid of both God and my mother's carping, and HE said 'Try the falco effect'- the first time I ever heard Him speak without Him quoting any books I had read or songs I had listened to [another reason I felt... violated by Him, because NOTHING was out of bounds to Him]- I felt trapped.
But then, after all this, the same year, 2000, I, with my back an inferno from an overcharge of stress[it is now a normal thing for me, I feel quite lost unless my nerves are jangled], I asked if God loved me, and got the applause of people I disliked intensely, and realised I would hate to be... myself... when people like that were busy yapping at my heels, and so, I walked away, from the Goldbach Conjecture, from God, from the intellectual pursuits, and buried my head and just decided to seek death, not life.
It was thus till I came to the sobering realisation, in 2010, that, try as I might, I could NOT die, and that I was really DOOMED to spend the 15 years that God had ... added... to my life.
So, I at first thought I would appease God by doing something for Him, and maybe get Him to lighten off a bit, and maybe give me an opening to go through and be free.
Thus, I started, hopelessly, "HIStory 1: COUNT1NG NUMB3R5 " whose heading was 'it started with numbers, and then, about how it all came about, and finally, it became about God.
This is HIStory, the beginning of it.
But, as the tale unfolded, it seemed to me to be less about God and more about me, and I was quite puzzled, and I often went about wondering why God was NOT letting me do as I said I would so that He would get the glory, right?
I mean, that was what He wanted was it not?
It is only since meeting the German girl, and being quite relaxed when I did so, and the fact that I had no ... expectation... from a ... girl... and thus was caught completely off guard, that I found out the simple, unrelenting, undeviating thread that ran through ALL of God's dealings with me.
God wanted nothing from me. He never has. He has already taken what He wanted, and that is me, myself.
And so, as far as He is concerned, He has put Himself at MY disposal, to give ME what I want, and so, give me the freedom to be just as I choose.
Now, the thing is, all my life, I have felt frustrated that I would never be able to deal with things in my own way, that always, someone else would snatch at things and take away my enjoyment of them, and that has irritated me, and goaded me to anger, because the ONE thing I can not stand is someone else stepping in and taking over something I had my eye on.
As I mentioned before, I want to everything myself, and while that is impossible, I at least will not have anyone else ultimately responsible for something I myself want.
Which, to cut a long story short, is the reason I have bided my time till I could say, with finality, that I have all the wherewithal to handle everything that has... interested, piqued, angered, or inflamed me... myself. Personally.
Where I act as the alpha and the omega, and no one else has ANY say over what happens. Where I have prepared the ground so that, before I even act, I KNOW that there is nothing that opposes me, there is NO ONE to snatch out of my hand the things I want to deal with.
Thus, I have clambered my way ever upwards, till I reached the spot where I can confidently say, as I do now, "good, NOW everything under the sky is MINE, to deal with as I see fit, and no one can deny me my desires. NO.
YESSS."
My point is this:- maybe yesterday people assumed that I was handing things to God, but if one reads carefully, I was actually just saying,"God, this is what I want. Help me by making sure it happens that way, without any interference."
Now, I met faggot face yesterday, on my way out of Fish Hoek to the mountain, and he had stopped at the traffic lights at the Clovelly junction, with his girly car second in line behind a delivery van. I was a few feet away from him when the van moved, and he saw me, and for a while I think he forgot what to touch to get the car to move, because he fumbled around the dashboard, till at last he remembered what to do, and then, as he started moving towards me, I gave him a parody of the same wave that he had made towards me when we met before.
I should have blown him a kiss, the fag!
Anyway, he showed none of the earlier... humour that he displayed when we met before. He looked far from his smiling self, but then this is the same guy that I once went after and he drove off at high speed at the beach, before I went after him again and he called the cops.
Only thing is, this time, there will be no cops. And he will not drive off anywhere. I am going to give him a Colombian necktie, and I am going to deal with all those who have made it their business to interfere with me, and make them suffer.
They mocked me.
So, I will not let the issue rest till I make them all pay a million times for that.
Every single one of them.
I have SPOKEN.
So be it in action!
Afer all, I have 15 women and 1 girl at my dispose!
