Seeing as is...

When God... showed Himself... to me, I had no illusions about just Who I was encountering, when the incident was happening. Later, I tried to rubbish it all, and would have been comfortable with it being a delusion of mine, but no mater from which angle I approached it, whether I looked at the... ambience... of the encounter [to decipher the REAL nature of the Being;- when anyone is pretending to be what he is not, he may focus so exclusive on the presentation, numb some senses or such, but, as the encounter finishes, the... come down... as the being leaves, will reveal the true nature of the being, and how much of an imposter that one is - take for example the fact that when people go to a 'spiritual revival', they may be ecstatic at the moment, but as soon as the 'holy ghost' departs, extrme depression enters, because the mind is adjusting to the fact that THIS, which just ended, was an impractical state and a ruse] or the content itself, I could detect no lie, which really upset me, because I could only conclude that God Himself had entered the fray.
But now, when I turn the issues around in my head, trying to find out just what was so... worth it... about the ten women, and try to see if they 'saw' me as the lord of the earth, I find myself coming to the obvious conclusion that what they 'saw' had nothing to do with anything so... surreal.
Because there is nothing in any person's makeup, nor in the social structure, that would make ANYONE leap to such an.. unusual conclusion as that what they see before them, in a world where christ is 'lord and saviour'; could actually be THE promised one.

Fuck, I am living the life, and I can barely take it in. If it had not been that God had been so ... meticulously ... guiding me to the obvious conclusions, I would right now be knocking at a shrink's door, asking to have either my head examined or a new head.
So, it has to be that what these women saw was something they could recognise, something... mundane.
yet frightening and desirable at the same time.

I was wondering what that was, really, till I looked at myself and my behaviour and I ... got it.

But before I even get there, I want to point out that, aside from the girl I called, the two women on 25th may, the other one  a day later, the 'shopaholic girl' , the diving lady,  and the polite girl at the library who all exhibited some extraordinary... fear to sort of... confuse things a bit for me... all the women were... uncertain, and their actions were showing that they were not sure they were up to scratch as far as my... approval... was concerned.

the remaining three; the girl on the train ( who stays in Simonstown), the blue eyed lady, the girl with the straight black hair on the beach in S/Town... all favourably, contrasted with the other women who happened to be under my... spotlight.


Anyway, so, what is it that it is that made these women so... tense and yet so... eager?

Well, let me put it this way;- God certainly came at a very.. appropriate time. Now, I remember, during one of the frequent arguments that happened between my mother and father, being totally floored when she said that [knowing I could and would be listening] I was of an age to get a girl, or chat one up.
My disbelief, even at that time, was so... marked ... that even now I wonder how SHE, after all she did to me, could even imagine that I would look at ANY woman and not be full of rage.

Frankly... I hate women. I look at any woman and I feel my gorge rise. I have never had a girl-'friend'. I have only had sex in the interests of self-destruction, and never once have I ever .. longed for... a woman companion, someone to talk to, aor chill with, or even have a... future... with, simply because I can not imagine what... use... any woman could be in a life where I have a future.
I have compared women with women, and I have seen some that either dress better, either do not assume so readily that I am like everyone else and so want to have a woman who will massage my ego, or the women do not go around looking for someone to carry their burdens for them.

It is only, I stress, by.. contrast... that i found some women, acceptable more than others.

Not that any of them would ever, by herself, be someone i would say, "I love you", or "I find you desirable", or 'you are it'.

I guess where me and God see eye to eye is that women are a mistake, they should never have been there to begin with, but they are, and what is done can not be undone, so one has to live with that.

now, if I wanted kids, if I wanted to be settled down like evryone else, I would have had myself an ugly woman that I loathed... like michelle, and I would have used that hate to have a kid, but that, that I could so obviously forget reality and the-here-and-now and suddenly look to a future that I would say is... respectable... is something that I never had in me.

I never wanted kids because i never wanted to have anyting to do with the women themselves, but the funny thing is, as a kid, my parents had to go away at one time, I think to attend my grandmother's funeral [paternal] and we were left with some friends of theirs at the Cranborne barracks. They, the coulle, both worked, and so they had a ... girl.. youngish... who came and looked after their young toddler.

This girl, well, she, to cut a long story short, made certain advances to me, and I, with my lack of anything remotely resembling awareness, ended up underneath her, on a bed, thinking that 'love' which was what I saw on TV, meant kissing a person, so I was kissing her while she undid my trousers. I was probably only six.
And someone walked in on us.

Which, for some reason, earned me a canning, and her as well, and spread the rumour among family and friends that I was so into women I was not to be trusted.

Which left me with an insane... interest... in this whole subject, which I can not sweep under the rug.. hence the concession that at least some women would be acceptable.

Which is, I stress, a concession.

because frankly, when it comes down to it all, there is no one I would think fit to share my life with.

And now, your problem, people, is that

IT IS MY LIFE that counts most
And all yours are...
worthless.

Earth are run red!