So, Ok, I got the math wrong, and it was not eighteen but nineteen months, right, but STILL, it means I am even more ... reluctant... than an elephant is, to get born, which happened anyway, yesterday... .
Now, I would wish to say that my mind is so made up that I am as ready to roll today as anything, but the truth is that I am... NOT so... sure.
For one thing, the... woman... in that Walker, Texas Ranger vision was exactly THAT;- a woman.
And I would have brushed it all aside and said, well, she was a public personality, so of course the POINT God meant to make was that this was a woman who was seen to ... like me... publicly, like that girl did, leading to butt-head's mom's furiously contemplating me as I took no notice of HER granddaughters?
But then, the woman was someone to whom, in the series, the character played by Chuck Norris was ... obviously... but silently attracted to, and so, I could say that that points to a certain... someone... in the vicinity of the osc, which would be a moot point anyway since she publicly stiffed me not so long ago, see; and I would also counter THAT am interested in the woman by saying that, although I find the woman, allison, very attrcative, and I am interested, yes, what really is on top of my agenda at the moment is that I have no REAL motive to kill her, and I definitely can NOT just leave her, since I am not in the walking-away-and-backing-off business. I need closure, and so, I am looking for a reason why I should take her life, actually.
being rejected is not good enough. I mean, I have been told off so many times by so many women it is not anything new, and I have never bothered being affected by it. No, wht makes THIS woman so... interesting... is that she has to have a reason why, even on the day that I met the German chick and she showed me her interest [eh, that would be the second visit, that it sank in], she later, as i walked away from tinashe's shop, she drove slowly past a little ahead of me, as she had done earlier, only this time alone, and not with that guy she had been with on so many occasions as she ... tailed me.
I would wish that the guy was her husband, and so I could nail her there, and say, aha, so you DID wilfully insult me, and kill her.
but I seem to remember the other day, earlier this year, when me and tinashe and the other guys were staying in Claremont, and I had no inkling that she was not a... tourist... and we were in Pick 'n' Pay, getting meat for the evening meal, and she showed up, and walked down past the vegies, went deeper into the shop, and then she emerged a while later in the aisle just where the two tills on either side of the entrance are, and left.
And all i could see were the legs, and the walk, and the sex-appeal of the woman.
Fuck, I remember all these things, and this gives me no... joy.
because the other time she showed up and walked into this cna shop on the main road in Fish Hoek, her legs were NOT in stockings, and they were even lovelier to look at, and I kid you not, THAT was the first time I actually felt, in my whole life, that I REALLY wanted something, and I was looking at her. There was a stab of... appreciation... within me as my mind raced to the obvious conclusion; this woman is here because of me, and I was plunged even deeper into gloom by realising that she probably was only there because she was afraid that I would kill her.
I have looked at this from all angles, and when my own sight has failed, I have fallen back on the primary sight, God's view point, and argued with myself that it can not be that she and I have anything because God said 'I will have steadfast love [mercy] and not sacrifice' and so, whatever she may have for me would not really be love but something that she feels she has to give to spare her own life, and i would derive no joy from it, but THEN, let us face facts;- while I may have been raving about killing people and all that, it was by no means certain that i would do so, and when she showed up anyway, I mean the very first day i laid eyes on her, and she bought a key-ring in the shape of the first letter of her name, and refused to buy others for the other two who each had a name beginning with 'A', and i was behind her, watching her ass and her legs and willing hwer to turn so I could look at her face, and she finally did so and i liked the nose, and she seemed so... uncertain... when she looked at me, as one would if one had looked up and seen someone frowning at one's face, and I took in the front as well, and I was trying to hide my smile and be stern... fuck, - I was sure I was OBVIOUS about how I was... affected.
so, I guess I AM ... interested..., and the difference between her and these other women is not that she is, in a place that I know, but rather that I am not someone she may have any... illusions about.
Everything that is relevant to me, my past, my current status, and all the murky paths I have waded through, is something that is open to her, and while I am not joking about what I am likely to do; all that killing and stuff, I can not have someone take the... positive... and reject the negative as well.
I am the world's worst nightmare, no joking there, and like it or not, I am the
Judge, Jury, Executioner
and while that is the major... function... that I will be performing in theimmediate future, what mainly motivates me is an... interest... in my own, welfare.
I am not just the dread person you will see, nor am I so selfish that i would want to compel people to be with me who have no interest in being with me, because frankly I do not care so much for anyone that I can dispense with my own... stand-offishness... to let someone near me whose heart is clearly not in it, so, what I am saying is, at the end of the day, it is what the woman thinks herself that matters, and I will just -impartialy- put the full-stop.
As things stand, though, I am more inclined towards killing her, although I am not going to do so till I KNOW for sure that she was just jerking me around.
so, the revolution will be televised.
As I said before, I am NOT going to just let her go. Whatever happens, I am the one who is going to end it, because I got hooked up in it. If she wanted a closet lover, then she should have just masturbated or something, and not walked around near me. She did, and so I am taking over, and I am running things, and will put MY conclusion on it all.
YESSS!
I am not just the dread person you will see, nor am I so selfish that i would want to compel people to be with me who have no interest in being with me, because frankly I do not care so much for anyone that I can dispense with my own... stand-offishness... to let someone near me whose heart is clearly not in it, so, what I am saying is, at the end of the day, it is what the woman thinks herself that matters, and I will just -impartialy- put the full-stop.
As things stand, though, I am more inclined towards killing her, although I am not going to do so till I KNOW for sure that she was just jerking me around.
so, the revolution will be televised.
As I said before, I am NOT going to just let her go. Whatever happens, I am the one who is going to end it, because I got hooked up in it. If she wanted a closet lover, then she should have just masturbated or something, and not walked around near me. She did, and so I am taking over, and I am running things, and will put MY conclusion on it all.
YESSS!
I will never let you go!
