It would be nice if I could just blow up and have it all done, but I have this... overwhelming need to prove God wrong that sort of makes me scrutinise everything that comes from Him so much I can not let anything just go unresolved.I remember washing my hands of the Goldbach conjecture and walking away because Gid had said, "Try the falco effect" at a time when I was stumped and did not know if it was worth it to carry on. When He said that, I stopped bothering:- He had put in His ... input... and so, because even then I intuited that He was not One to just focus on the current problem but that it would have future repercussions also, I decided i wanted to have none of the ... future... just as yet. I wanted to find out WTF He wanted from me and what kind of life He had to offer. Whcich was when I went wild, and lived on the edge, and then, after failing dismally to die, ended up having to solve the GC, and which was when I had this... particular... vision which involved my aunt, and her daughter, her first, one and only daughter, and my elder sister -well, in my culture one can NOT have anything to do with o0ne's sister, but the cousin like my aunt's is practically a sexual partner;- it is complicated to explain, but she is not called a cousin, but a "muzukuru", like a grandchild, and well, there is a famous saying, "muzukuru mukadzi", which translated means that such a cousin [your father's sister's daughter] is a wife.
Anyway, the upshot of this rather involved vision is that my sister -an unacceptable sexual partner- ends up standing by the mother and daughter while the mother, [aunt means ... thin(=>lean/inclined) in shona] whose first name is 'violet' encourages her daughter and comforts her until the girl decided to 'accept a friend invitation' from me.
Now, that three year old vision is basically the reason i was flaring up, because what goes on before all that ade me realise that it is in effect not some wishy-washy thing concocted by the holy spirit to get me to run around in circles, but the probable people involved... well, the choices i made so far are all so upsetting i find out i can not stand any of them. On one hand there is nicky?, and frankly, as anyone can tell, I hate the woman, and would be happy to strangle her. then there is the zorro-moustache mother with her daughter, and both are as appealing as a barrel of rotten oranges, and so, I confess not to having any idea who the woman is. i can guess, based on the fact that my cousin's name is "Tsungai" => [be strong/ endure/ persevere] and her middle name is "Mercy", which means that whoever this woman is, she has to go through something tough/overcome something and then rely on mercy (translation;- my LUST, because I have absolutely NO Mercy for anyone unless she is a submissive sexy woman that is ready to take off her clothes without notice) to get through to me.
So, DEFINITELY, the S/Town crew is out of it:- I really can not stand them, and I will be glad to kill them all off, see? personally. The mother who is inclined towards me but not in a romantic way, encourages her daughter to come out in the open, because she ... believes me? Well, as I said, I can guess, but then, it is NOT anyone that has at present a clean sheet with me, because then there would be no need for her to persevere, see? like maybe a ... married... woman? Well, there is ONLY ONE married woman that I have any time for, and the fact that she IS married is upsetting enough as is!
Well, let me see if I am right, right?
Well, that said, there ought to be , as i explained, FIVE women that I grasp in my hand, and use for revenge. the bat's wing thing, I have found out, applies to me in that I have this vivid memory of Batman [animated] in a psychologist's chair, being asked what the effect of his childhood trauma [losing his parents] was and in his mind flashes the gauntlet of the caped crusader, with all those trailing things, as he makes a fist and goes, "I wanted revenge!" which surprised me because I had never thought the bat wanted anything more than justice.
Well, MY childhood trauma has made it impossible for me to ... love... a person and all i look forward to is humbling every living thing, and getting my revenge on all the 'lofty' ones, and giving NO ONE a second chance.
Which means that when the english chick thought she would dazzle me with her looks and then I would use the money I had 'earned' to go and gush about her, she was underestimating me. I find her useful, at pressnt, because frankly, 'scottish' is NOT english, and i speak English, I THINK in English, and I hate the necessity for it, and so I need someone to whom the language is native to be there, while I destroy every living english person, wherever, and keep one for myself, as my 'footstool'. As for the dutch girl, well, that is why I had to say the dutch girl still has a choice to make, and that is why things did NOT arrange theselves so that she and I had an easy thing, see, but there are questions still to be answered, as we grapple with the historical roots of everything.
that makes three, no matter who the first is. That she exists, is true, and who she is, only SHE knows, because God does not make shots in the dark; He knows exactly WHO He means, and much as I hate to... agree with Him, well, He makes no mistakes, ever.
the fourth, because I am lazy, and women have to make their own choices about me, is another revenge example, when i destroy every american, and that is the nicole kidman look alike. I suppose she is the real mccoy anyway, because that look, which even to me, who am wary around girls since they tend towards frivolity, spoke not volumes, but tomes. THICK tomes, too.
the last one ... happened... yesterday, although yesterday was like the second time I saw her. Apparently she stays in kalk bay, and this is what happened;- I was, as I mentioned, stuck with vinnie whole day, and as we were packing up, this blonde woman with her hair tied severely back into a pony tail was standing in the parking lot of the seafood restaurant, and as i passed her for the third time or so, as she just stood there, seemingly undecided, she flashed a smile at me, and i smiled mechanically back, and walked past.Ended up sitting in the restaurant. NOT baad looking the woman, and not too old. yesss!
Now, I LIKE easy good looking women, especially BLONDE easy women, and well, if she was bothering herself so much about me, I thought, why the fuck worry about some pigheaded women that think i actually give a hoot whether they flounce about or not. Fuck them. I like easy.
The more inclined towards me the better
Anyway, the upshot of this rather involved vision is that my sister -an unacceptable sexual partner- ends up standing by the mother and daughter while the mother, [aunt means ... thin(=>lean/inclined) in shona] whose first name is 'violet' encourages her daughter and comforts her until the girl decided to 'accept a friend invitation' from me.
Now, that three year old vision is basically the reason i was flaring up, because what goes on before all that ade me realise that it is in effect not some wishy-washy thing concocted by the holy spirit to get me to run around in circles, but the probable people involved... well, the choices i made so far are all so upsetting i find out i can not stand any of them. On one hand there is nicky?, and frankly, as anyone can tell, I hate the woman, and would be happy to strangle her. then there is the zorro-moustache mother with her daughter, and both are as appealing as a barrel of rotten oranges, and so, I confess not to having any idea who the woman is. i can guess, based on the fact that my cousin's name is "Tsungai" => [be strong/ endure/ persevere] and her middle name is "Mercy", which means that whoever this woman is, she has to go through something tough/overcome something and then rely on mercy (translation;- my LUST, because I have absolutely NO Mercy for anyone unless she is a submissive sexy woman that is ready to take off her clothes without notice) to get through to me.
So, DEFINITELY, the S/Town crew is out of it:- I really can not stand them, and I will be glad to kill them all off, see? personally. The mother who is inclined towards me but not in a romantic way, encourages her daughter to come out in the open, because she ... believes me? Well, as I said, I can guess, but then, it is NOT anyone that has at present a clean sheet with me, because then there would be no need for her to persevere, see? like maybe a ... married... woman? Well, there is ONLY ONE married woman that I have any time for, and the fact that she IS married is upsetting enough as is!
Well, let me see if I am right, right?
Well, that said, there ought to be , as i explained, FIVE women that I grasp in my hand, and use for revenge. the bat's wing thing, I have found out, applies to me in that I have this vivid memory of Batman [animated] in a psychologist's chair, being asked what the effect of his childhood trauma [losing his parents] was and in his mind flashes the gauntlet of the caped crusader, with all those trailing things, as he makes a fist and goes, "I wanted revenge!" which surprised me because I had never thought the bat wanted anything more than justice.
Well, MY childhood trauma has made it impossible for me to ... love... a person and all i look forward to is humbling every living thing, and getting my revenge on all the 'lofty' ones, and giving NO ONE a second chance.
Which means that when the english chick thought she would dazzle me with her looks and then I would use the money I had 'earned' to go and gush about her, she was underestimating me. I find her useful, at pressnt, because frankly, 'scottish' is NOT english, and i speak English, I THINK in English, and I hate the necessity for it, and so I need someone to whom the language is native to be there, while I destroy every living english person, wherever, and keep one for myself, as my 'footstool'. As for the dutch girl, well, that is why I had to say the dutch girl still has a choice to make, and that is why things did NOT arrange theselves so that she and I had an easy thing, see, but there are questions still to be answered, as we grapple with the historical roots of everything.
that makes three, no matter who the first is. That she exists, is true, and who she is, only SHE knows, because God does not make shots in the dark; He knows exactly WHO He means, and much as I hate to... agree with Him, well, He makes no mistakes, ever.
the fourth, because I am lazy, and women have to make their own choices about me, is another revenge example, when i destroy every american, and that is the nicole kidman look alike. I suppose she is the real mccoy anyway, because that look, which even to me, who am wary around girls since they tend towards frivolity, spoke not volumes, but tomes. THICK tomes, too.
the last one ... happened... yesterday, although yesterday was like the second time I saw her. Apparently she stays in kalk bay, and this is what happened;- I was, as I mentioned, stuck with vinnie whole day, and as we were packing up, this blonde woman with her hair tied severely back into a pony tail was standing in the parking lot of the seafood restaurant, and as i passed her for the third time or so, as she just stood there, seemingly undecided, she flashed a smile at me, and i smiled mechanically back, and walked past.Ended up sitting in the restaurant. NOT baad looking the woman, and not too old. yesss!
Now, I LIKE easy good looking women, especially BLONDE easy women, and well, if she was bothering herself so much about me, I thought, why the fuck worry about some pigheaded women that think i actually give a hoot whether they flounce about or not. Fuck them. I like easy.
The more inclined towards me the better
