I think I once mentioned at one time that while at THS high school, I found myself asking whether God loved me, and when I came back I found out that I had won the national monthly competition sponsored by the country's leading university, and that on hearing the news, everyone of my classmates stood up and clapped, and I felt so... lonely... because all this was just a fraud, the people were such as i could not stand and who probably could not stand me as well
maybe THAT is what tipped the scales and made me believe God was interested in using me, in exposing me to the public and having me in the public eye as He carried out His ... mission... that He had determined on.
BUT, as i am NOT tired of saying, because it happened and I found myself looking at God and ven the most 'obvious' of His deeds with profound respect, I have discovered that He is unrepentately on MY side, that He cares for what I care about so intensely that he takes everything I want and makes it His own, and gets involved and will not let me ... rest... nor Himself rest, till he has achieved everythign to my total satisfaction.
like with His promise of 'ten million dollars to build that thing' and my meeting the tenth woman, the seventh blonde, and finding out that she herself, who I did not even talk to, STILL, after all this time, looks at me as if ... ah! I love God, really.
Anyway, if she has kept herself purely for me, and thus has NOT even looked at me the same way that some of these stupid white people have, like i am an entertaining person but not to be taken as a man, since i am black, and thus it is OK for them, such as i mentioned yesterday, to try to cosy up to me while, of course knowing that as long as i am still down they do not have to commit in any way to being exclusive;... well, if she has NOT done that, something I have utmost confidence in God about, then the race thing is NOT even in question, and so, i do NOT have to do anything about proving our background. So, I can take it that twenty women have kept themselves exclusively for me, and well, if one looks at the vision of my... head... the other five did not count, of the fifteen, because they are either NOT 'here' or they are not clear.
i have rejected all those here, and am at the moment pondering the only one left, and, well,to cut a long story short, I do NOT have to later on ... tolerate... any other personk, because
maybe THAT is what tipped the scales and made me believe God was interested in using me, in exposing me to the public and having me in the public eye as He carried out His ... mission... that He had determined on.
BUT, as i am NOT tired of saying, because it happened and I found myself looking at God and ven the most 'obvious' of His deeds with profound respect, I have discovered that He is unrepentately on MY side, that He cares for what I care about so intensely that he takes everything I want and makes it His own, and gets involved and will not let me ... rest... nor Himself rest, till he has achieved everythign to my total satisfaction.
like with His promise of 'ten million dollars to build that thing' and my meeting the tenth woman, the seventh blonde, and finding out that she herself, who I did not even talk to, STILL, after all this time, looks at me as if ... ah! I love God, really.
Anyway, if she has kept herself purely for me, and thus has NOT even looked at me the same way that some of these stupid white people have, like i am an entertaining person but not to be taken as a man, since i am black, and thus it is OK for them, such as i mentioned yesterday, to try to cosy up to me while, of course knowing that as long as i am still down they do not have to commit in any way to being exclusive;... well, if she has NOT done that, something I have utmost confidence in God about, then the race thing is NOT even in question, and so, i do NOT have to do anything about proving our background. So, I can take it that twenty women have kept themselves exclusively for me, and well, if one looks at the vision of my... head... the other five did not count, of the fifteen, because they are either NOT 'here' or they are not clear.
i have rejected all those here, and am at the moment pondering the only one left, and, well,to cut a long story short, I do NOT have to later on ... tolerate... any other personk, because
I never did like and I never will love fans
OR, as the song by TOK goes
[callum girls]
(verse 2, after chorus)
big up all the girls cause of them we have the fans
party are the girls I get ten out of ten
step up step us say me trusted me fan
TOK are tell you wanna girl who are gem
OR, as the song by TOK goes
[callum girls]
(verse 2, after chorus)
big up all the girls cause of them we have the fans
party are the girls I get ten out of ten
step up step us say me trusted me fan
TOK are tell you wanna girl who are gem
POINT is, I am going to have to throw everything else down the rubbish bin meaning that you all are about to... die... since I want to be busy now, to deal with
my boyhood dream, and, since i want the real fans, and not the osc type, and i already have these, I do NOT have to tolerate all you assholes at all.
After all, God did NOT say that He would have "great and dreadful DAYS" but rather The Great and Dreadful Day, where He smites the earth with a curse, should 'elijah' [name meaning "God IS"] NOT turn the hearts of the fathers to the children or the hearts of the children to the fathers.
However, there is something that is... rather... curious here, because when i brought it up this morning with God, since I do not know what goes on in people's minds and do not know whether what I am thinking actually ... eh... CAN happen, I mean, with no backfire to myself, or residual bitterness involved in it, I got a rather strange, thought provoking response.
now, the thing is, I am rather smitten with the RAV-4 woman, and the significant thing about THAT is that she chose to share what she herself was eating, not because she was full, but because, I assume, she was aware of me as a person, like her, with pangs like her.
NOW, there is this ... vision... where i am looking at this woman who is my sister, but with pink make-up or eye-shadow [ha i met someone with that kind of scary mascara, butt-head's mom!] and i am going, "no one will believe THIS", as i throw, like a magician, a green plant that had till then been invisible, into glowing coals, and the thing bursts into flame, and the fire i had wanted comes out, and his woman, my sister, who was lying on a narrow bench in a round hut in my grandfather's compund, stands up, exposes a mini skirt [has to do, i found out, with motherhood] and she walks and satnds by my aunt, and waits as my aunt, like i mentioned before, briefly, looks at something in front of her and about waist level, and with her daughter to her right, but them both facing me, and then she says, with a straight-lip like the white people have[ we black people have rather thick lips] "Conclusion?", and then starts talking to her daughter rapidly, and i do not listen, to what she says, because i am watching the daughter who is leaning towards the mother, with her upper body, but her hips are sort of outthrust towards the ... screen, and then the mother convinces the daughter to 'accept friend request' like on face book, and she holds out a hand, at waist level, towards me.
the sexual connotations have not been lost on me, but hell, i am just ... assuming here, because I do not know, but i have been asking myself just who i could NOT afford NOT to have around, and as i said, I pointed out to God that I really, really found the RAV-4 woman extremely attractive, not just for her behaviour towards me, but also because she is sexy, for sure, and I was wondering what to do about it all, when He replied "abisha", and I remembered that abisha had mentioned that he was afraid at times to go see his mother-in-law because at times she seemed to come on to him, and she was, well, quite attractive.
so, I thought about it, and I found myself again connecting the dots, and I am almost certain that the RAV-4 woman IS the mother of the david matthews woman, both of whom i find quite attractive, and, also, i did not mention that the other time when i was in S/Town, and I had been told that i would not leave as i had come, I came upon an article about ashton kushter [heck I do not know how to spell the name!] being involved with his wife's daughter, and then I was told, "vidkun quisling" which may mean the MOTHER, not the daughter has to do the turnabout thing [violet=> violate, anyone!], and so, if THAT is the case then I have two women, three with the dutch girl, and so, maybe, there are five of them, and if so, i will throw in, for the time being, the nicole-kidman look alike, and maybe the english chick.
But I need to KNOW whether I am NOT just some curio! The english chick did say, "does anyone want to carry my stuff for ten bucks" meaning she probabloy thought of the hardships?
After all, God did NOT say that He would have "great and dreadful DAYS" but rather The Great and Dreadful Day, where He smites the earth with a curse, should 'elijah' [name meaning "God IS"] NOT turn the hearts of the fathers to the children or the hearts of the children to the fathers.
However, there is something that is... rather... curious here, because when i brought it up this morning with God, since I do not know what goes on in people's minds and do not know whether what I am thinking actually ... eh... CAN happen, I mean, with no backfire to myself, or residual bitterness involved in it, I got a rather strange, thought provoking response.
now, the thing is, I am rather smitten with the RAV-4 woman, and the significant thing about THAT is that she chose to share what she herself was eating, not because she was full, but because, I assume, she was aware of me as a person, like her, with pangs like her.
NOW, there is this ... vision... where i am looking at this woman who is my sister, but with pink make-up or eye-shadow [ha i met someone with that kind of scary mascara, butt-head's mom!] and i am going, "no one will believe THIS", as i throw, like a magician, a green plant that had till then been invisible, into glowing coals, and the thing bursts into flame, and the fire i had wanted comes out, and his woman, my sister, who was lying on a narrow bench in a round hut in my grandfather's compund, stands up, exposes a mini skirt [has to do, i found out, with motherhood] and she walks and satnds by my aunt, and waits as my aunt, like i mentioned before, briefly, looks at something in front of her and about waist level, and with her daughter to her right, but them both facing me, and then she says, with a straight-lip like the white people have[ we black people have rather thick lips] "Conclusion?", and then starts talking to her daughter rapidly, and i do not listen, to what she says, because i am watching the daughter who is leaning towards the mother, with her upper body, but her hips are sort of outthrust towards the ... screen, and then the mother convinces the daughter to 'accept friend request' like on face book, and she holds out a hand, at waist level, towards me.
the sexual connotations have not been lost on me, but hell, i am just ... assuming here, because I do not know, but i have been asking myself just who i could NOT afford NOT to have around, and as i said, I pointed out to God that I really, really found the RAV-4 woman extremely attractive, not just for her behaviour towards me, but also because she is sexy, for sure, and I was wondering what to do about it all, when He replied "abisha", and I remembered that abisha had mentioned that he was afraid at times to go see his mother-in-law because at times she seemed to come on to him, and she was, well, quite attractive.
so, I thought about it, and I found myself again connecting the dots, and I am almost certain that the RAV-4 woman IS the mother of the david matthews woman, both of whom i find quite attractive, and, also, i did not mention that the other time when i was in S/Town, and I had been told that i would not leave as i had come, I came upon an article about ashton kushter [heck I do not know how to spell the name!] being involved with his wife's daughter, and then I was told, "vidkun quisling" which may mean the MOTHER, not the daughter has to do the turnabout thing [violet=> violate, anyone!], and so, if THAT is the case then I have two women, three with the dutch girl, and so, maybe, there are five of them, and if so, i will throw in, for the time being, the nicole-kidman look alike, and maybe the english chick.
But I need to KNOW whether I am NOT just some curio! The english chick did say, "does anyone want to carry my stuff for ten bucks" meaning she probabloy thought of the hardships?
