This is a totally unrehearsed post: i am not at present even aware of where this is going to head, but I will speak from the heart so to ... speak, and let things take their own course, because i have discovered just one lie that I have been hiding under, and that is that I do not care for anyone.Strange it was that I, as soon as I got on the train back to kalk bay, I found myself thoroghly disgruntled be the ... choice... of women that I had settled on, and decided that God wanted me to want.
i can not stand the woman with the moustache, and I can not bear to look at her daughter, and that girl who thinks she has brains has so pissed me off I really would welcome a chance to strangle her, and as for her friend... I am not sure where i stand with that girl, but frankly, she is not the sort of girl i would want to wake up next to, not in THIS life, because i DO tend to judge specifically according to appearance, and not much else.
besides, the dumb chick- sharp_face - was so busy trying to get me to backtrack so that she could show me that God was more in HER pocket than mine, and that she could interpret for me better than I could what God meant, and so, fuck, I am showing her who the final say resides with, and that is me:- I reject her out of hand, as well as these other three silly women.
Now, I am still NOT stopping from my promise to turn on the screws. God has been, throughout the night, stressing over and over that it is ME He is interested in , and not anyone else, but this time, I flatly told Him that I do not buy it, that any theory is only as good as its proof, so He better SHOW, once and for all, if He is for me or against me, and that by upholding or rejecting my word, because I not only dont want to be involved in this to begin with, but I do not have to watch over His promise to make it come to pass.
So, as far as I am concerned, there is A woman that I would not mind having around me, probably the ONLY woman who has read my posts and come out of her shell, not to show me up, but to... appeal, and she is the one who did that interesting ass shaking thing, which still leaves me a deep sense of unfulfilled longing. I have no idea what she thinks of me, whether she is longing for me, or if it was all for show, but hey, I am calling it ,like i see it.
That is her, but, because, as i said,this is about what I ... want... i have to point out where my ... bias... ends, and here i confess that I am thinking, still "15 seconds to get out of here", of which ten, so far ignorant, women, are accounted for, means she is one of the five, and then there is the RAV-4 woman, you know, the type of lady I can not just let go, and walk out of my life, and then there is the extremely attractive blonde chick who made her way back to canada or such, and then, since it just occured to me that the ten women are currently around, and so, the outsiders do not... count, I will dilly dally a bit, and wonder which person has stroked my balls the right way and made me feel I would like to have her around me, permanently.
what about the walk-by the nicole kidman look-alike performed for me? Well, maybe it is because i have not slept a wink the whole night up to now, but I am assuming that the major reason I want a person is that she herself evinces some interest in me, and leaves me in no doubt that she is attracted to me, somehow. So, how about I plug her in there, and then she is the third.
then there is a woman who surprised me at fish hoek beach way back when, when i used to walk from kalk bay, get off the road at that defunct train station, and then walk on the beach and wash my feet outside the public toilets. This woman, in a funny light coloured dress, with the outsides of the thighs longer than the front and back -I know, this all sounds weird and crazy; my talking about it that is- so that her knees were exposed as well as a portion of her thighs, was holding her son, and she had no ring on her hand, and as she waited to use a bucket to maybe build a sand castle or such a thing, I engaged her in a conversation. She was actually quite good looking, and, of course, blonde, and i said that the reason the boy is so sullen is that he is looking at the ugly balck man, at which she replied quite matter of factly that he had been having a temper tantrum, and we carried on talking, till she asked me if i had any kids,a nd i said NO, and did not want any, and then she said that being a parent was a full-time job, you have to give up everything about YOU want for it. Actually she said that if one wanted to be a parent one had to have done everything one wanted first, and I left it at that, because, you see, what with, even now, the NO drinking policy, meaning that the women have to beach themselves, and not me drain the water away from them and leave them bereft; I mean, I have no ... hope... that she would even look twice at me seeing that I would NOT have her AND her kid, but would rather she lost that.
Dont know if she is maybe a reader of my posts, and has come by some weird process to the point where she has herself decided to let go her kid, and her own preconceptions, but hey, I am saying that THIS is all off teh bat, not scripted or rehearsed, i actually feel stupid mentioning all this.
Dont know also if miss-i-know-it-all has also decided to let go her... son, because, if one must know, she is the one woman who has legs that even allison and all her cleverness could not... win over. I mean from the knee down. And those thighs!
