As a kid, after my father had decided he had had enough of being bullied by fellow soldiers who had 'won' the war of independence and as such viewd him as a former enemy, we moved to the midlands capital, Gweru,to a high density suburb called "Mambo" [meaning, ironically as it would turn out, "king"] and there i did the remainder of my primary school.The reason I am bringing this up is that it ... just... so happened that at school my teacher asked us what we would want to be when we grew up, and MY reply, funny enough, was that I wanted to be an austronaut. She must have believed me, because she went and fished out a book about austronauts, and the first man in space, and presented it to me;- I said i had a way with ladies! ha ha.
So, I read about yuri gagarin, and saw the pictures of the spacecraft, andwas transported , I guess you could say. So, at grade four or five, my adventure with books blossomed, and till I finished primary school, I never failed to win a prize for a year to get to read and borrow books at the city library, and even when i went to secondary school, since i never had anyone give me money or support for this ... extravagance... called reading, I was always a member of the library. It always just worked out.
But i was never good at math, not then, not even in my final year at secondary school. I aced the languages, the non-technical subjects like geography and such, but I was dismal in the sciences, and bareky scrapped through with "C" in Physical Science {or Physchem, as it was called, being basically physics and chemistry}. the only reason I even got an "A" in Integrated Science wasthat i was sober enough to realise that if i did not read the day prior to the major paper, i was likely to get a "U", because for four years i had pain absolutely NO attention to the subject, and so I seriously needed to do something, or else i would have one subject I knew I would flunk, badly.
So I spent the night before teh exam going through the etire textbook and just vommited everything out the next day, and promptly forgot the rest immediately i handed in my paper, and got my pass.
My teachers and parents wanted me to pursue a different career to the one I ended up starting on, but by then, God had ... happened, and the mental block i had put on myself, the escapist mentality that I was just going to doodle through life,a nd never bother, had been removed, albeit without me actually being aware of it. So, I cheated, and surprised myself by the fact that i was bold enough to change my grades and put "A" in physical science and switch the true grade with one for some other subject, and no one noticed, and i ended up doing Math, Physics,a nd Chemistry, and surprised myself by being more than competent at it.
there was the day that I was in the school library, and i happened to take out this book on astrophysics, ands something like this caught my eye
Of course, by then, as i said, god had happened, and from my discovery of His ... ego... as i searched the bible to find out just HOW He thought, my first assumption was that He wanted someone to tell the world just Who was responsible for the whole shebang being in place to begin with, and the... burden... was so heavy on me that I started despairing.
And so, ALL these years, my basic assumption has been that God picked on me so that He could use me, as if I had not suffered enough and all He wanted was to have everyone sing His praises.
So, I basically quit on life, and there has been this ... block... between me and Him that nothing has ever shifted, and I have always thought that this would endure to the end;- God using me so that he was found to be the Creator, and me getting nothing out of it, except a life i did not want.
So, before becoming suicidal, having read the bible end-to-end, I decided to... experiment... with cursing Him, and the weird thing is, after roundly cursing Him, and His spirit, and jesus into the bargain, to be sure I would never be... forgiven... just so that he could quit, I, one day, in, I think, 2001, after the final exams in my "A" levels were out and i was witing to go to university, I went to sleep, and woke up later, in the middle of the night, and went outside to vent my anger at Him atb the back of the house by the chicken run. I had barely sat down, and was in the middle of my invective, running on and on with fresh swear words and stuff, when i saw what is arguably the most beautiful sight i have yet seen, and it was right where i was staring at.
Know a star with points, right, kinda like this?
Only that one had TEN points, and it was revolving counter clockwise in a circle, slowly, as the whole thing, with a comet's tail, moved in abut a mere second, from my right to my left.
i was left, for a moment, speechless, because the thing appeared in the night sky, and in a mere instant, vanished again, and it was so beautiful, i tell you, all white, and all so... majestic.
but i immediately picked up my tirade, and went on and on against God, more aware now that i was talking to a deaf Stone, One Who would, regardless of what I thought, carry on with His own plans while ignoring me and anything i said.
Dont know what happened yesterday, but seeing someone that I had last seen in more than a year, and she had this look in her eyes like I was the best thing she had ever seen -yeah, me, right!- and I was all so hopeless about it all, well, it made me re-think the God angle, and i grasped that God, far from even being interested in anything about Him being lifted up in the eys of people, actually is interested in what I had hoped for and wanted and thought I would never have.
I have never thought the bitterness i have harboured for the past 16 years against Him would dissolve, i never thought i would see eye to eye with Him, and actually be at peace with Him, but today I woke up, and I felt different.
I the have some One that loves me, and, though to many at this time this statement may seem like the jo0ke about the guyb who did not believe in God and went on and on about how He would never do so until the day that he was in a shipwreck and was drowning and then said aloud, "God, if You exist, get me a raft, and i will believe in You", and immediately, a table floated up beside him and he clutched it and got out of the water, and then as soon as he was safer, he said, "Huh, i do not know what God's problem is, He is so eager to be believed in He would do anything, well, I STILL do NOT believe in YOU, so there" to which God replied, "I was not doing it for you, but for him", and the guy turned and saw JAWS with all gleaming teeth intonig a prayer, "Thank You, O God, for the meal that You have prepared for me. Amen"... well... to some people my being at peace with God may seem like the shark thanking God for destroying their lives, but hey, this is MY story, and well, today, I and God are ONE. Cant beat THAT combo.
now, about my future...
And the stars....!
So, I read about yuri gagarin, and saw the pictures of the spacecraft, andwas transported , I guess you could say. So, at grade four or five, my adventure with books blossomed, and till I finished primary school, I never failed to win a prize for a year to get to read and borrow books at the city library, and even when i went to secondary school, since i never had anyone give me money or support for this ... extravagance... called reading, I was always a member of the library. It always just worked out.
But i was never good at math, not then, not even in my final year at secondary school. I aced the languages, the non-technical subjects like geography and such, but I was dismal in the sciences, and bareky scrapped through with "C" in Physical Science {or Physchem, as it was called, being basically physics and chemistry}. the only reason I even got an "A" in Integrated Science wasthat i was sober enough to realise that if i did not read the day prior to the major paper, i was likely to get a "U", because for four years i had pain absolutely NO attention to the subject, and so I seriously needed to do something, or else i would have one subject I knew I would flunk, badly.
So I spent the night before teh exam going through the etire textbook and just vommited everything out the next day, and promptly forgot the rest immediately i handed in my paper, and got my pass.
My teachers and parents wanted me to pursue a different career to the one I ended up starting on, but by then, God had ... happened, and the mental block i had put on myself, the escapist mentality that I was just going to doodle through life,a nd never bother, had been removed, albeit without me actually being aware of it. So, I cheated, and surprised myself by the fact that i was bold enough to change my grades and put "A" in physical science and switch the true grade with one for some other subject, and no one noticed, and i ended up doing Math, Physics,a nd Chemistry, and surprised myself by being more than competent at it.
there was the day that I was in the school library, and i happened to take out this book on astrophysics, ands something like this caught my eye
And so, ALL these years, my basic assumption has been that God picked on me so that He could use me, as if I had not suffered enough and all He wanted was to have everyone sing His praises.
So, I basically quit on life, and there has been this ... block... between me and Him that nothing has ever shifted, and I have always thought that this would endure to the end;- God using me so that he was found to be the Creator, and me getting nothing out of it, except a life i did not want.
So, before becoming suicidal, having read the bible end-to-end, I decided to... experiment... with cursing Him, and the weird thing is, after roundly cursing Him, and His spirit, and jesus into the bargain, to be sure I would never be... forgiven... just so that he could quit, I, one day, in, I think, 2001, after the final exams in my "A" levels were out and i was witing to go to university, I went to sleep, and woke up later, in the middle of the night, and went outside to vent my anger at Him atb the back of the house by the chicken run. I had barely sat down, and was in the middle of my invective, running on and on with fresh swear words and stuff, when i saw what is arguably the most beautiful sight i have yet seen, and it was right where i was staring at.
Know a star with points, right, kinda like this?
Only that one had TEN points, and it was revolving counter clockwise in a circle, slowly, as the whole thing, with a comet's tail, moved in abut a mere second, from my right to my left.
i was left, for a moment, speechless, because the thing appeared in the night sky, and in a mere instant, vanished again, and it was so beautiful, i tell you, all white, and all so... majestic.
but i immediately picked up my tirade, and went on and on against God, more aware now that i was talking to a deaf Stone, One Who would, regardless of what I thought, carry on with His own plans while ignoring me and anything i said.
Dont know what happened yesterday, but seeing someone that I had last seen in more than a year, and she had this look in her eyes like I was the best thing she had ever seen -yeah, me, right!- and I was all so hopeless about it all, well, it made me re-think the God angle, and i grasped that God, far from even being interested in anything about Him being lifted up in the eys of people, actually is interested in what I had hoped for and wanted and thought I would never have.
I have never thought the bitterness i have harboured for the past 16 years against Him would dissolve, i never thought i would see eye to eye with Him, and actually be at peace with Him, but today I woke up, and I felt different.
I the have some One that loves me, and, though to many at this time this statement may seem like the jo0ke about the guyb who did not believe in God and went on and on about how He would never do so until the day that he was in a shipwreck and was drowning and then said aloud, "God, if You exist, get me a raft, and i will believe in You", and immediately, a table floated up beside him and he clutched it and got out of the water, and then as soon as he was safer, he said, "Huh, i do not know what God's problem is, He is so eager to be believed in He would do anything, well, I STILL do NOT believe in YOU, so there" to which God replied, "I was not doing it for you, but for him", and the guy turned and saw JAWS with all gleaming teeth intonig a prayer, "Thank You, O God, for the meal that You have prepared for me. Amen"... well... to some people my being at peace with God may seem like the shark thanking God for destroying their lives, but hey, this is MY story, and well, today, I and God are ONE. Cant beat THAT combo.
now, about my future...
And the stars....!
