For some weird reason... hey, I have probably the weirdest tale to tell in this life, because for some reason I can not tell anymore which side is up.
So, let me start with the basic rules, since to me everything is defined by rather ... fluid... concepts that are alien to anyone else, and yet I am, at present, like a plucked chicken that is as exposed to the elements as a new born babe... that is, defenseless.
Ah, I should be saying something also about being an impatient angry person but I am having too much... fun at the moment to be either of those. Must be the adrenalin rush, mingled with relief... but, first things first.OK, one thing I can NOT stand is being corrected by some idiot that shows up and tries to tell me how I should live. that galls me, so when, as soon as I had parked my ass at vinnie's and was greeted by the two friends, the red head and the 'intelligent' one, my mood was spoiled, because I had said to them "NO" and THAT is THAT. Ok, so I am not inclined towards killing them at present, but I may get there, suddenly. BUT then, why fret, it automatically means that whatever I... reject... is dead anyway, and unless I was really pissed off by the person, so that the person got under my considerably .. thin ... skin, then THAT one I will kill, but FIRST I MUST get my kicks by finding out and resolving God's meaning and reality, and THEN I will kill what ever is left; anyway, I want to find out just WHO the FUCK are the five?
I have done the 7 and 3, and then the 10 of the 'fifteen seconds', but the remaining FIVE that I pluck out from somewhere and like even though technically they are not IN THE DARK about me but are STILL in the darkness because whatever it is that is resident in ME must still be taken out and become... VISIBLE... and THAT is, apparently, NOT the VOICE nor any alien force but it is actually INTRINSIC in me, and is not something I have to achieve but just unlock, and well, I will get there. God has brought me so far and well, remember that there is still that part where I will become something that NO ONE can find, the "he was not, for God took him" part, where I become untouchable, yes?
Well, ALL these things MUST happen, but, as I said, FIRST things FIRST.
OK, FIRST, there are the ten women that set the standard, for women, and they did NOT wait for me to say anything to them to let me know just what the fuck THEY thought about me, and WHAT they wanted from me.
it was, on one hand, depressing, because I am living worse than a dog, but at the same time, it is quite exhilarating because I am living less than a dog, and a woman comes up to me and what I think about her means more to her than anything else, and some act as if they will die unless I smile at them, and of course, it all makes me wonder at them, but then, none of them
-acted as if they thought they were better than me;
-tried to force their way into my attention
-failed to evince a fear/ respect of some kind of boundary that they sensed in me.
And they were none of them... my colour, but white.
then
there are the next ten, and THESE well, some of them I had to dig back some three years or so, at my ... worst... and these [I am hating the trend here, because it means that , if I am right, I will not be so ... low... eever again, because if and when I rise, I will NOT have to have any more women, because the 'king' comes only as humble and lowly, which means that I am NOT going to have any more women after I leave? mmm, well, I am not so keen on the idea, but then,at the same time, I find it all so... intriguing that i may just fall for it. It would mean I can start killing everything else, and not worry about collateral damage. So, I will probably have a ... LOT of fun... in the coming years IF I will ONLY have the women that saw me as something when nothing, which gives me a lot of sleep at night, yesss!] literally clung to me, like the psychology student, the girl on the train with her blue underwear [later, of course], the blonde with her dog and stick thing at the now demolished fisherman's hut, the dutch girl and her revealing her legs in her skirt because I was wondering at her conservativeness, the girl with that ravishing smile at the fish hoek library, all of whom I had to... think about after the ten had come and been established, yes?
then there is the german girl, and then there is the slender one with her gap between her legs at the Fish hoek beach, and THEN there was the slim scottish woman and the education statement, and then the uber-sexy divorced woman whose meeting with me at the olympia cafe made all those other women start coming out of the woodwork, and THEN there is the good looking french artist woman who seems NOT to be a tourist, whom I saw at the same cafe and she acted so like the little guy who ran ahead of chirst and climbed into a tree because he was of short stature, THAT woman made me think as well. After her, i had decided that there were NO more till that girl came and smiled and then left before i could start compromising myself, which is a pity, because if ever there was a woman I WOULD have said something to, it was her, at that chance meeting at the Fish Hoek library.
OK, so I remove the Dutch girl from THOSE ten, and make her a place among the five, because well, I am going to exact some kind of revenge on her people for my past, yes?
that leaves four, and here, although my libido has like 95% say over the whole thing, my math, unless I am mistaken, means that the english chick that had me and abisha carry her stuff and then just went on complete voicemail afterwards would be the next one, because of history, of course. Mostly. the fact that she has a body like... wow... has nothing to do with it , I suppose.
then there would be the nicole kidman look-alike, and well, I guess, you miserable americans, you should realise that you are dead, every single living breathing one of you. I guess I will only have to speak, and all of you will be dead. But I want obama alive. And chuck norris. Ah, come on, I need to beat stuff up, so I am saving the warriors, or teachers, for myself, because I would get to bored to quickly. I have got people like steven seagul, who is taller than my simple six foot, and well, maybe some other guys. So, i will probably leave obama with some guard, but fuck that, I hate none-suches, no, I will have only the people who are fighters, and let us put it to the test, "a l'outrance" as i suspect the french call it. To. THE. DEATH.
Well, I guess I will compile a list. Of people i will take apart because they claim to be able to fight.
OK< so, that leaves two women that should complete this whiole set, right? pending their reciprocity, of course.
OK, so I was... surprised today, and the funny thing which makes it hard for me to even look at the woman is that when I look into her eyes I can not read anything there, and everytime I look at her I have to come to a standstill and actually concentrate on her so that I find out what she is thinking by her actions, because her voice is confident, and her posture leaves me uncertain.
I have known , curiously, only one other woman who has made me feel like that, and the funny thing is that both of them happened today, and it leaves me puzzled about what the women are thinking, although the other one and I encountered each other long before, and I had been seriously thinking about her from the time that THIS one that I am trying to tease you with walked past me, speaking on the phone and then , when she had passed and I was thinking that I had been barking up the wrong tree because no one who could speak so... effortlessly... and so composedly, with her breathing even... could really give me a second glance. And then she did the ass-working thing, as I turned to look.
TODAY though, and here, I have to say i am by NO means certain what the fuck happened, and what she was thinking, but the woman drove into the parking lot, as I watched, and then she took her time in her car, maybe ten minutes or so, and then when she walked past where I was, she was on the phone. I was sitting on the concrete slab that supports that electrical/phone box, and abisha was minding the stall while I tried to do some animal shapes for this guy, mwale. then instead of walking past, the woman paused, and she started talking to the david matthews painter, and then she got on the phone,and she sat down on the raised brick ridge where some of the wire-trees are displayed. see that place? yes, right there, but more to the other side than to my side, and then she got up and walked, presumably into the building proper, but I had looked at her and she at me, and as usual, I could read absolutely NOTHING in her face. It is not that her face was expressionless, no, but her eyes are the colour of her hair or skin; there is no contrast there for me to read the light changes as her eyes contract or dilate as per her emotions. It was like trying to use infra-red on a fridge;- I came up completely white-cold, and it was like a slap in the face, and I was wondering about the woman.
Seriously. Funny thing was that she wore no ring. I checked, repeatedly, but when she came the third time and we were separated by a mere iron railing as she and this other blonde lady, maybe her sister? were confering about the work-in-progress, I decided that I would have a cardiac arrest if I tried to work things out too soon. After all, I can NOT even figure out what the woman is thinking unless she telles me herself; she is one person I can NOT read. Actually, that makes THREE women I can not read, the one being the woman that I saw at the beach and God had said she was a secret, the one I unintentionally ommiteed just now, the one that was the 'replacement' for butt-head's mom. Now if that woman was standing before me and I was asked to describe her, I would not be able to, maybe because she is unlike anyone else in that she was NOT afraid of me, but was having fun around me. Maybe that is what this is all about; I read so much into fear that I can not understand someone that does not readily evince it. I like it, of course, but I am also not sure about myself around people that refuse to display either contempt for me or fear, because in my life there have been only THOSE.
the THIRD woman is another woman that left me feeling all thumbs-on-my-tongue. She is a blonde, and well, [I liked THIS part when I thought NO ONE took my directions seriously, but now that they are all paying attention, I feel like a cheat] she is the ice cream lady, and thing, is I used to get water from the dispenser and well, one day, it got to me that i was coming in, with my very green and smelly coat and stinking the place up and so, I decided, spur of the moment, to give her a wire figurine I had made. Must have been a tiger that i had been unable to sell, or unwilling, because I was so pissed off at having to look after my life i was quietly rebelling at God... well... it is MY life, and He has no business running it so... hard. Does He have no consideration for me? I mean, I feel pain and hurt and.. yeah, right? try pushing that at God and see if He changes anything that He has planned. Fuck no. I am resigned to living life on the edge, because He had decided long before your parents' parents' parents' parents' grandparents' grandparents' parents were even born just what He would do with me. So, of course, the fact that I will NOT die, and am willing to put it all to the test, is something he knows i need to get out of my system, so, we shall strive till we get to the point of just WHY 15 years, which I seem to have frittered away.
Anyway, I handed the thing to the girl, and I looked into her eyes, to see the contempt or whatever, and funny thing is, I looked and felt lost. I had no idea just what the woman thought. When she said "I will give this to my little one" I went, Oh, fuck, another breeder, another michelle, and I just backed off. I never spoke to her again, as i recall, and well, I had absolutely no idea what she though, till she walked all the way from the ice-cream palour to the bakery today, and I looked at her as she walked past, and she looked right at me, carried on and then came out carrying her parcel, and that was it.
Oh, well, she has a child, and I wonder, of course, because being a mother, and all that, I am rather hesitant when it comes to having anyone like that near me, because women with kids tend to think collectively, not personally. Like when they say, "Me" they mean her and the child, and I really do NOT want to come between a woman and her child, not ever again. it is NEVER worth it. So, you see, I am at a loose end, here, and do not know whether she is the one that makes up the five.. or rather, let me put it in words that you will understand and do not automatically include my anger at God;- i wonder if she thinks of me more than her kid and would leave the said kid for me, or if there is another woman somewhere i have not yet seen who is... appropriate, and easy.
She would, I concede, be ... nice... to have around, because there are three women I can not understand, women that would make me actually think about more than just kill them or have them split their legs and let me in and out, that kind of thing. I guess i could get used to actually... caring, because I seem to be reaching the end of my wandering. I will have no more women than twenty six, apparently, which is the meaning of the 'he was not, for God took him' part, because I will stop being what you expected, and be... over all this woman thing. I mean, there must be something else more interesting than searching for women, yes?
like plundering the idiots and getting some parts for my ...
REALLY there is SOMETHING more interesting than women?
I am not so sure that such a thing exists, no disrespect to God, but women are about the most interesting thing I have come across, and me being a dull informer of people about the fallacy of the racial superiority thing and never getting anything for it, like a woman who is won over by my winsome words, and ... fuck, what does God expect me to do for all of seven years. be a hermit?
fuck that, I will get some more women, damn straight!
Ha ha, I have NOW seen everything to be seen.
fuck, Ok, listen, the scripture says the king comes humble and lowly, seated on a colt, and well, not that I am saying it means anything, but my -this is an african thing- totem animal is the zebra, and well, that is close to donkey, right?
But thing is, a donkey will only carry one if it wants to, and the ONLY reason I will EVER do anything is if there is pussy involved, and nothing else, unless of course it means I will get to kill someone, and so, when God says that the king rides a donkey, that means... come on, get with it. God is no prude, and He knows i will NOT do anything unless I either get to kill or to use the pil. ha ha!
donkey indeed. ha ha. colt! unruly one. Oh fuck, I am fucking impressed!
and I thought my life would be so... dull!
ha ha!
What a life! I am almost ready to actually ... live.
Except for one thing. the weather has to be changed. I am NOT a white person , and I hate the fucking winter, so the earth will have to adjust as i initially would have had it. As well as there being no rain ever again. there is something humiliating about rain.
as soon as I rise, there must be an end to all that nonsense. no rain. i hate it. And no snow. Like Private in the comedy Madagascar 1 when they reached the south pole, and the penguins got their wish to get to the place, i would sneeze and say, "this sucks!"
so, no frozen nonsense.
and we must talk about the number of women I am allowed, before I even begin to build that whatchimacallit. to get out of this horrid place. Because I refuse to 'turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the hearts of the children to the fathers' so of course, God would have to come and 'smite the earth with a curse'.
fuck, miss out on pussy because I want to be self-less. who the fuck do you thing I am?
Look at my face!
So, let me start with the basic rules, since to me everything is defined by rather ... fluid... concepts that are alien to anyone else, and yet I am, at present, like a plucked chicken that is as exposed to the elements as a new born babe... that is, defenseless.
Ah, I should be saying something also about being an impatient angry person but I am having too much... fun at the moment to be either of those. Must be the adrenalin rush, mingled with relief... but, first things first.OK, one thing I can NOT stand is being corrected by some idiot that shows up and tries to tell me how I should live. that galls me, so when, as soon as I had parked my ass at vinnie's and was greeted by the two friends, the red head and the 'intelligent' one, my mood was spoiled, because I had said to them "NO" and THAT is THAT. Ok, so I am not inclined towards killing them at present, but I may get there, suddenly. BUT then, why fret, it automatically means that whatever I... reject... is dead anyway, and unless I was really pissed off by the person, so that the person got under my considerably .. thin ... skin, then THAT one I will kill, but FIRST I MUST get my kicks by finding out and resolving God's meaning and reality, and THEN I will kill what ever is left; anyway, I want to find out just WHO the FUCK are the five?
I have done the 7 and 3, and then the 10 of the 'fifteen seconds', but the remaining FIVE that I pluck out from somewhere and like even though technically they are not IN THE DARK about me but are STILL in the darkness because whatever it is that is resident in ME must still be taken out and become... VISIBLE... and THAT is, apparently, NOT the VOICE nor any alien force but it is actually INTRINSIC in me, and is not something I have to achieve but just unlock, and well, I will get there. God has brought me so far and well, remember that there is still that part where I will become something that NO ONE can find, the "he was not, for God took him" part, where I become untouchable, yes?
Well, ALL these things MUST happen, but, as I said, FIRST things FIRST.
OK, FIRST, there are the ten women that set the standard, for women, and they did NOT wait for me to say anything to them to let me know just what the fuck THEY thought about me, and WHAT they wanted from me.
it was, on one hand, depressing, because I am living worse than a dog, but at the same time, it is quite exhilarating because I am living less than a dog, and a woman comes up to me and what I think about her means more to her than anything else, and some act as if they will die unless I smile at them, and of course, it all makes me wonder at them, but then, none of them
-acted as if they thought they were better than me;
-tried to force their way into my attention
-failed to evince a fear/ respect of some kind of boundary that they sensed in me.
And they were none of them... my colour, but white.
then
there are the next ten, and THESE well, some of them I had to dig back some three years or so, at my ... worst... and these [I am hating the trend here, because it means that , if I am right, I will not be so ... low... eever again, because if and when I rise, I will NOT have to have any more women, because the 'king' comes only as humble and lowly, which means that I am NOT going to have any more women after I leave? mmm, well, I am not so keen on the idea, but then,at the same time, I find it all so... intriguing that i may just fall for it. It would mean I can start killing everything else, and not worry about collateral damage. So, I will probably have a ... LOT of fun... in the coming years IF I will ONLY have the women that saw me as something when nothing, which gives me a lot of sleep at night, yesss!] literally clung to me, like the psychology student, the girl on the train with her blue underwear [later, of course], the blonde with her dog and stick thing at the now demolished fisherman's hut, the dutch girl and her revealing her legs in her skirt because I was wondering at her conservativeness, the girl with that ravishing smile at the fish hoek library, all of whom I had to... think about after the ten had come and been established, yes?
then there is the german girl, and then there is the slender one with her gap between her legs at the Fish hoek beach, and THEN there was the slim scottish woman and the education statement, and then the uber-sexy divorced woman whose meeting with me at the olympia cafe made all those other women start coming out of the woodwork, and THEN there is the good looking french artist woman who seems NOT to be a tourist, whom I saw at the same cafe and she acted so like the little guy who ran ahead of chirst and climbed into a tree because he was of short stature, THAT woman made me think as well. After her, i had decided that there were NO more till that girl came and smiled and then left before i could start compromising myself, which is a pity, because if ever there was a woman I WOULD have said something to, it was her, at that chance meeting at the Fish Hoek library.
OK, so I remove the Dutch girl from THOSE ten, and make her a place among the five, because well, I am going to exact some kind of revenge on her people for my past, yes?
that leaves four, and here, although my libido has like 95% say over the whole thing, my math, unless I am mistaken, means that the english chick that had me and abisha carry her stuff and then just went on complete voicemail afterwards would be the next one, because of history, of course. Mostly. the fact that she has a body like... wow... has nothing to do with it , I suppose.
then there would be the nicole kidman look-alike, and well, I guess, you miserable americans, you should realise that you are dead, every single living breathing one of you. I guess I will only have to speak, and all of you will be dead. But I want obama alive. And chuck norris. Ah, come on, I need to beat stuff up, so I am saving the warriors, or teachers, for myself, because I would get to bored to quickly. I have got people like steven seagul, who is taller than my simple six foot, and well, maybe some other guys. So, i will probably leave obama with some guard, but fuck that, I hate none-suches, no, I will have only the people who are fighters, and let us put it to the test, "a l'outrance" as i suspect the french call it. To. THE. DEATH.
Well, I guess I will compile a list. Of people i will take apart because they claim to be able to fight.
OK< so, that leaves two women that should complete this whiole set, right? pending their reciprocity, of course.
OK, so I was... surprised today, and the funny thing which makes it hard for me to even look at the woman is that when I look into her eyes I can not read anything there, and everytime I look at her I have to come to a standstill and actually concentrate on her so that I find out what she is thinking by her actions, because her voice is confident, and her posture leaves me uncertain.
I have known , curiously, only one other woman who has made me feel like that, and the funny thing is that both of them happened today, and it leaves me puzzled about what the women are thinking, although the other one and I encountered each other long before, and I had been seriously thinking about her from the time that THIS one that I am trying to tease you with walked past me, speaking on the phone and then , when she had passed and I was thinking that I had been barking up the wrong tree because no one who could speak so... effortlessly... and so composedly, with her breathing even... could really give me a second glance. And then she did the ass-working thing, as I turned to look.
TODAY though, and here, I have to say i am by NO means certain what the fuck happened, and what she was thinking, but the woman drove into the parking lot, as I watched, and then she took her time in her car, maybe ten minutes or so, and then when she walked past where I was, she was on the phone. I was sitting on the concrete slab that supports that electrical/phone box, and abisha was minding the stall while I tried to do some animal shapes for this guy, mwale. then instead of walking past, the woman paused, and she started talking to the david matthews painter, and then she got on the phone,and she sat down on the raised brick ridge where some of the wire-trees are displayed. see that place? yes, right there, but more to the other side than to my side, and then she got up and walked, presumably into the building proper, but I had looked at her and she at me, and as usual, I could read absolutely NOTHING in her face. It is not that her face was expressionless, no, but her eyes are the colour of her hair or skin; there is no contrast there for me to read the light changes as her eyes contract or dilate as per her emotions. It was like trying to use infra-red on a fridge;- I came up completely white-cold, and it was like a slap in the face, and I was wondering about the woman.
Seriously. Funny thing was that she wore no ring. I checked, repeatedly, but when she came the third time and we were separated by a mere iron railing as she and this other blonde lady, maybe her sister? were confering about the work-in-progress, I decided that I would have a cardiac arrest if I tried to work things out too soon. After all, I can NOT even figure out what the woman is thinking unless she telles me herself; she is one person I can NOT read. Actually, that makes THREE women I can not read, the one being the woman that I saw at the beach and God had said she was a secret, the one I unintentionally ommiteed just now, the one that was the 'replacement' for butt-head's mom. Now if that woman was standing before me and I was asked to describe her, I would not be able to, maybe because she is unlike anyone else in that she was NOT afraid of me, but was having fun around me. Maybe that is what this is all about; I read so much into fear that I can not understand someone that does not readily evince it. I like it, of course, but I am also not sure about myself around people that refuse to display either contempt for me or fear, because in my life there have been only THOSE.
the THIRD woman is another woman that left me feeling all thumbs-on-my-tongue. She is a blonde, and well, [I liked THIS part when I thought NO ONE took my directions seriously, but now that they are all paying attention, I feel like a cheat] she is the ice cream lady, and thing, is I used to get water from the dispenser and well, one day, it got to me that i was coming in, with my very green and smelly coat and stinking the place up and so, I decided, spur of the moment, to give her a wire figurine I had made. Must have been a tiger that i had been unable to sell, or unwilling, because I was so pissed off at having to look after my life i was quietly rebelling at God... well... it is MY life, and He has no business running it so... hard. Does He have no consideration for me? I mean, I feel pain and hurt and.. yeah, right? try pushing that at God and see if He changes anything that He has planned. Fuck no. I am resigned to living life on the edge, because He had decided long before your parents' parents' parents' parents' grandparents' grandparents' parents were even born just what He would do with me. So, of course, the fact that I will NOT die, and am willing to put it all to the test, is something he knows i need to get out of my system, so, we shall strive till we get to the point of just WHY 15 years, which I seem to have frittered away.
Anyway, I handed the thing to the girl, and I looked into her eyes, to see the contempt or whatever, and funny thing is, I looked and felt lost. I had no idea just what the woman thought. When she said "I will give this to my little one" I went, Oh, fuck, another breeder, another michelle, and I just backed off. I never spoke to her again, as i recall, and well, I had absolutely no idea what she though, till she walked all the way from the ice-cream palour to the bakery today, and I looked at her as she walked past, and she looked right at me, carried on and then came out carrying her parcel, and that was it.
Oh, well, she has a child, and I wonder, of course, because being a mother, and all that, I am rather hesitant when it comes to having anyone like that near me, because women with kids tend to think collectively, not personally. Like when they say, "Me" they mean her and the child, and I really do NOT want to come between a woman and her child, not ever again. it is NEVER worth it. So, you see, I am at a loose end, here, and do not know whether she is the one that makes up the five.. or rather, let me put it in words that you will understand and do not automatically include my anger at God;- i wonder if she thinks of me more than her kid and would leave the said kid for me, or if there is another woman somewhere i have not yet seen who is... appropriate, and easy.
She would, I concede, be ... nice... to have around, because there are three women I can not understand, women that would make me actually think about more than just kill them or have them split their legs and let me in and out, that kind of thing. I guess i could get used to actually... caring, because I seem to be reaching the end of my wandering. I will have no more women than twenty six, apparently, which is the meaning of the 'he was not, for God took him' part, because I will stop being what you expected, and be... over all this woman thing. I mean, there must be something else more interesting than searching for women, yes?
like plundering the idiots and getting some parts for my ...
REALLY there is SOMETHING more interesting than women?
I am not so sure that such a thing exists, no disrespect to God, but women are about the most interesting thing I have come across, and me being a dull informer of people about the fallacy of the racial superiority thing and never getting anything for it, like a woman who is won over by my winsome words, and ... fuck, what does God expect me to do for all of seven years. be a hermit?
fuck that, I will get some more women, damn straight!
fuck, Ok, listen, the scripture says the king comes humble and lowly, seated on a colt, and well, not that I am saying it means anything, but my -this is an african thing- totem animal is the zebra, and well, that is close to donkey, right?
But thing is, a donkey will only carry one if it wants to, and the ONLY reason I will EVER do anything is if there is pussy involved, and nothing else, unless of course it means I will get to kill someone, and so, when God says that the king rides a donkey, that means... come on, get with it. God is no prude, and He knows i will NOT do anything unless I either get to kill or to use the pil. ha ha!
donkey indeed. ha ha. colt! unruly one. Oh fuck, I am fucking impressed!
and I thought my life would be so... dull!
ha ha!
What a life! I am almost ready to actually ... live.
Except for one thing. the weather has to be changed. I am NOT a white person , and I hate the fucking winter, so the earth will have to adjust as i initially would have had it. As well as there being no rain ever again. there is something humiliating about rain.
as soon as I rise, there must be an end to all that nonsense. no rain. i hate it. And no snow. Like Private in the comedy Madagascar 1 when they reached the south pole, and the penguins got their wish to get to the place, i would sneeze and say, "this sucks!"
so, no frozen nonsense.
and we must talk about the number of women I am allowed, before I even begin to build that whatchimacallit. to get out of this horrid place. Because I refuse to 'turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the hearts of the children to the fathers' so of course, God would have to come and 'smite the earth with a curse'.
fuck, miss out on pussy because I want to be self-less. who the fuck do you thing I am?
Look at my face!
