So... IT IS going to happen!

 I held on to my sanity by mentally cushioning myself against all thought that I could actually end up ... getting all this madness off the ground. I mean, fuck, unlike everyone of you, I really do not even want to be

alive, and as far as i am concerned, regardless of how God persists in insisting that my primary anger is the one against my mother, and hence against all mothers and women in general, THEY do not have the power to keep me alive against my will, and they did not go all jealous and 'Claim me for themselves' like He did. So, I really do NOT give a fuck about the feelings of people. I am more concerned with what kind of bullshit I am going to have to be put through by arguably the ONLY being whos is more adamant than I am about anything, and has the power to enforce His will in ways devious and impossible to countermand:- God.It was ... fun... to go through this whole thing pretending it was just a charade, and when women started comijng out of every possible ... orifice... in fulfilment to something I had been tricked into asking, I even comforted myself by thinking, fuck, with some of them it has been more than a year;- what full blooded woman, with all the propensity of women to accept flattery over their own common sense, and succumb to a man's insistence; would stay celibate because of a man who, as far as she is concerned, does not even bother much about her, or care what is going on with her. Fuck, THERE is my escape clause;- I will point out to God that His women that He... gave... are as fickle and as "fair" as i suspected, that they are equal-opportunity women, they serve whoever is currently available.
Butm, even that hope dwindled, to nothing, yesterday, when i finally figured out the "homo sapiens" statement, and realised that where I am... currently staying could as well be a stage, where anyone who has eyes can peer and see whatever it is I am doing.
All the fight has gone out of me.
i had to drag myself down the mountain today, and I am so deflated it is almost impossible to bear.
I just want to die.
And the irony is, I can not.
And will never.
This is what happened.
Two days ago, I woke up to a brief ... vision of a former classmate, in primary school, called norbert. It was a side profile of the guy's head, and well, the guy had a bulbuos top-of-the forehead thing that means that he had... trouble... processing  difficult info.
as it turns out, that day, obert, the crazy guy i had written about earlier who had gone to zimbabwe and come back and was always in trouble because of his fixation over white women, and thiinking they were all into him, and  I was staying with him because my former... place... had been discovered and was too hot for me to be in, was too scared to go down for the past two days because of a story that the police were looking for him. So, I was really with "N[o] obert"
So, I descended on my own, and when coming back to the mountain, i would take the time to vent my frustration on God by cursing Him and all that, and then, when I finally pushed the rock over the ledge, and God, in satisfaction, as i think back on it, said, "homo sapiens", I got to gradually realise that He was actually saying something else, other than what i had assumed.
homo=> same
sapiens=> thought
So, when yesterday, the "intelligent" girl and her friend walked past me into the bakery as i sat with abisha and the others at vinnie's stall, and then walked past again and went to the harbour, and then came back and pointedly drew my attention even as I tried to just surreptitiously look at them and look away;- I mean the girl looked so... directly... at me i was wondering at her sudden change, and even her friend, the one I had thought would never ever have the guts to even venture near me again; acted so... different, I wondered just WTF?
till I sat on the mountain and saw the obvious.
And I almost wept.
Turns out that God was pointing out that these women had stopped looking at me as a crazy like obert, and had seen my ... private... antics, and so, had probably chnaged their tune.
i wondered so what? I mean, it is not like they are of any ... use... to me, but then with her straight nose, and the other one being a dead ringer for nicky?'s younger sister, except for the hair, and me on and on about revenge, I mean, do I have to ask about it?
And anyway, the future benefot would be that, if there is no jealousy between women, since i can NOT bear to have strife in a place where i lay my head, then that may tend to mean, in the unlikely event that anything comes of this, [unlikely? yeah, right!] that the two would be an ... example of harmony, where i do not have to be torn in two about any women, and thus, do not have to end up showing my claws.
Assuming therefore that THESE two are part of the five that are acceptable, and also making it patently obvuious that of all the women that came my way, NOT a single one of them did i choose, and thus I am unable to choose anyone myself, ever, it turns out that the next easiest person would be the nicole-kidman-look-alike, since I DID complain, and she did pitch up.
the rest would have to be women that heard me complain about something once and changed, since i, unfortunately for the participants, HAVE to vent my aggor on something, and those that thought that if i said something was not up to my expectatuions and they laughed it off and ignored it, then they are dead,a nd i will kill them myself. I can not reach God, but they are accessible, and maybe there is truth in this primary anger thing, and so, the remaining two that have to be among these would have to be people that forsake everything for me.
Turns out thate the english chick, with all that she entails, is probably included.
the last one?
 hell, do i have to spell it out?
of course, i will kill her sister, and what does she have to say about THAT?
But, hey, I wish i had never been born!