Tied Down?
So much for my explanations!
i wake up this morning, after trying my best to .. cope... and after an interesting conclusion, and it was only as i was walking down to the library, as I smelt the frsh sea breeze just off the Fish Hoek beach [as opposed to my fumes of anger] that I figured out what the green shoot was, and also just what I ... wanted!
See, I had been thinking about juts getting out of this, and as I slept, I , at first decided I would NOT kill the women, but just focus on the males, and then leave these to die, but certain ... ladies, curently around, I decided I would do somethign extra ... gagainst.Like allison, I thought. No, she had provoked me. The only way I would get satisfaction is if I first of all HAD her[slept with her], and then I could walk away. Same with the contemporary art chick. Fact is, I went on, I would do the same to the RAV-4 woman, and the david matthews chick, as well as that stubborn "I know it all" woman who got me so irritated the other time when I first met her at the fish hoek library-here- with her aggressive posture, her... super legs, (fuck!).I could not just walk away from these, especially as I had ended up being all bothered by some of their antics, especially the contemporary art chick, allison AND the david matthews chick.
It was only when I was comparing my behaviour towards these women with the gfact that I went ballistic against God on a misinterpretation of His ... intent... towards me, and ended up suicidal, and well, on literal "God support" all these years, that I discovered that, well, He was right, to say to me, this morning, or rather quote capleton [ironically called king shanko=> remember gumboy and rumble?] in the lyrics of a song of his
them are live an evil life
them are live a naughty life
them are no live right,
say again
them are live a naughty life
them are no live right,
say again
And so, I looked at it all, and figured out that, maybe, i was too, hasty. I mean, think about it, alliosn could be so ... stupid... as to bring her lover/husband into my vicinity and then do the drive-bys,. or show up in places like muizenberg, or at that shop where she pretended to be just walking by, and then give me those looks?
hey, maybe she had an... adjustment problem;- I think it is hard on ANY woman to imagine someone she ... wants... giving i to someone else, but then, I am not so sure than my... temper... is going to get any better with age, and what happens if i just misunderstand somethings she does, because I do not tebnd to ask first, and then act, but vice-versa, and she is ALL I have? She would be dead, that is what.
then the contemporary art chick. I mean, there she was, all sorrowful, and she makes an effort, even after I blast her snetnce her to death for... talking... to some asshole and shows up on a bicycle for crying out loud, and what did I expect her to do? What if she IS separated from the husband, and what if I ought to have thought that maybe if I had a place of my own I could shelter her under my wing, and I would have the pleasure of being sought after by someone to whom,thankfylly, God seems to mean next to nothing? I mean, even God Himself showed her in that light, so, that means it is ME she was panting after,. and I am so...ah, fuck, you see what I mean?
hey, maybe she had an... adjustment problem;- I think it is hard on ANY woman to imagine someone she ... wants... giving i to someone else, but then, I am not so sure than my... temper... is going to get any better with age, and what happens if i just misunderstand somethings she does, because I do not tebnd to ask first, and then act, but vice-versa, and she is ALL I have? She would be dead, that is what.
then the contemporary art chick. I mean, there she was, all sorrowful, and she makes an effort, even after I blast her snetnce her to death for... talking... to some asshole and shows up on a bicycle for crying out loud, and what did I expect her to do? What if she IS separated from the husband, and what if I ought to have thought that maybe if I had a place of my own I could shelter her under my wing, and I would have the pleasure of being sought after by someone to whom,thankfylly, God seems to mean next to nothing? I mean, even God Himself showed her in that light, so, that means it is ME she was panting after,. and I am so...ah, fuck, you see what I mean?
Then comes this woman who also has something she apparently will NOT let go, this I-know-it-all woman with her afrikaans nose and her son, and who makes me wonder why the hell she does not let that kid go? But let us be reasonable, right? She gives up the kid to whom? As at present, until and unless I do something and, well, selfishly exterminate everything that does not matter to me, there is NO way that any of this will ever come to pass, right?
or maybe, the possible mother-daughter combo, which is not, when compared to these other things, something so weird...
I mean, think about it, again.It is NOT so strange for a man to sleep with his stepdaughter, or something like that, it is more common that not, but my point is, I COULD have said i would just sleep with some women and leave the rest untouched, but I am thinking there are women I specifically hate, women that I want to kill, and these, well, i will give free reign to my anger with.
but these five i will not kill. Push comes to shove, i am calling it quits, and then I will seek these out, and get my own back at them and then walk away.
I still have, after all, the dutch girl to get to know, and the canadiam chick is an interesing prospect as well, and let us not forget the german girl.
but, well, I think I have a temper thing, and I am still not sure I will NOT just explode!. It is so... addictie to be angry, I do not know if anyone knows just how much I long to let rip.
but then, I have to ... THINK... about things. Fuck, WHY ME?
I wish...!,
or maybe, the possible mother-daughter combo, which is not, when compared to these other things, something so weird...
I mean, think about it, again.It is NOT so strange for a man to sleep with his stepdaughter, or something like that, it is more common that not, but my point is, I COULD have said i would just sleep with some women and leave the rest untouched, but I am thinking there are women I specifically hate, women that I want to kill, and these, well, i will give free reign to my anger with.
but these five i will not kill. Push comes to shove, i am calling it quits, and then I will seek these out, and get my own back at them and then walk away.
I still have, after all, the dutch girl to get to know, and the canadiam chick is an interesing prospect as well, and let us not forget the german girl.
but, well, I think I have a temper thing, and I am still not sure I will NOT just explode!. It is so... addictie to be angry, I do not know if anyone knows just how much I long to let rip.
but then, I have to ... THINK... about things. Fuck, WHY ME?
I wish...!,
