Yesterday, I went, as usual, to the beach, where this guy, a christian from Fullies Gospel church, joined me and, since we normally met at the library but never talked, I was surprised that he would chose to talk to me then and make mention of the small pieces I was busy with.
Then he spoke of jesus, but first of all said that to God I was the best work He had ever made, and that He loved me very much, but, well, you knpw me and my past with Him; I was polite, but not very interested.
Then the guy said he was going to buy some potato chips,, and would I mind if he shared them with me, and I said, well, I would not mind, I was a bottomless pit.
he went came back, and had a packet each for the both of us, and I just had a bite, and I felt nauseous. I had to rush to the toliet, but never made it in time -and one can not blame the tomato sauce, which I do not like, so I did not put it in- and vomitted on the pavement, on the steps, and on the grass.
And for the first time in my life, I KNEW I was wrong about something, because THESE things never happen to me when I am being completel;y honest.
See, even though I have tried to say something else all this time, my ... life revolves around my mother,and I love that silly woman, and I can not just brush away the fact that she DID look after me, and tried her best to get me the best educationn on noffer, and I can not throw that away, even if she id make my life miserable.
I can NOT directly look after her;- it is too late for that, but I suppose that, when all is said and done, I MUST have the zimbabwean president make sure she and my dad get the best of the best in treatment, otherwise there will be more than hell to pay.
The reason I say this is that my nausea got worse as I walked to the mountain, and I think I took about 2-3hrs just to get to my sleeping place, and having no food to cook anyway, and no appetite, I just lay down in my sheet, covered myself and went to sleep in the afternoon.
Slept like the dead, and woke up when it was early evening with the moon pointin out that the sun was more to the west than the east.
Tried to light a fire and failed, after a succession of attempts, and then finally asked God that, if I was wrong about something, then please lets stop mucking about, if I fail this time, I will KNOW for sure, and true enough, I failed, but even as I finished praying, there is a song by Oliver Mtukudzi that has a line that goes
chengetai mai na baba
(look after mother and father)
(look after mother and father)
and it hit me then.
I went to... sleep... if you could call it that, with cramps in my leg, dry heaving, and with my fingers freezing, and ... well, as I said, I am re-evaluating my priorities.
I never though I COULD be merciful, but I suppose I am.
Still, I live a fucking wretched life.
Must be the water with all the green slime that I had at the mountain- top over the weekend. Because everything down there came out all watery and green. And up here I was letting out all the rice and cabbages I had had same time.
I am sick of the place.
I went to... sleep... if you could call it that, with cramps in my leg, dry heaving, and with my fingers freezing, and ... well, as I said, I am re-evaluating my priorities.
I never though I COULD be merciful, but I suppose I am.
Still, I live a fucking wretched life.
Must be the water with all the green slime that I had at the mountain- top over the weekend. Because everything down there came out all watery and green. And up here I was letting out all the rice and cabbages I had had same time.
I am sick of the place.
