Those who REALLY dwelt in darkness

My... disapproval of God's ... involvement in my life manifests itself in my usually trying to upstage Him and get Him to fulfill His word or promises a.s.a.p so that I do NOT have to have anything to do with Him, but it never quite works out the way I want it to, because everytime I have to end up eating humble pie and revising my opinions of people and things He has said something about.

but I will have no one in any doubt about it, with everyday that passes, with every facet of His 'plan' which I regard as totally egocentric on His part, with every day that I have to... wait... on some One I regard as an interloper and as some One that thinks His ... part... in anything is taken in all things as a fait accompli; well, my hatred of God deepens, and so, I will stress that I HATE Him, and will do so world without end.

funny thing was, when I said that to Him the - not last because even today I called Him an asshole-... other time, He responded  with words to the effect that it suited Him fine that I was not biased towards Him, or anyone or anything, and so could always be counted on to give frank, explicit and unrehearsed comment on things.

But, to get back to my story;- a moment while I check to see just where i left off about this woman.Yes, about her kids and the fact that I noticed a ring and then just went totally hopeless.

thing is, I am not what you would call a hopeful man, and I am almost convinced every time that the worst possible things are attracted to me as if I am a magnet and they are iron fillings, which may explain why I always take it amiss when anyone just decides to act all... attracted when I do NOT find them attractive, like michelle did, and anyone could see just how she was like an overburdened donkey that was looking for someone to offload its burden, and sees me as the likely stooge.

I find it totally insulting, and NOW, here is God, Who has been blissfully, silently waiting and griping from the beginning about things that were not in the order that He wanted them to be, and suddenly thrusts everything on me like I am supposed to be grateful that He has looked at me as the suitable candidate for DEALING with everything that is currently wrong with the world and making it as i think it ought to be, when in effect My problem with Him is that H has no RIGHT to take over my life and make me... this target for every arrow that comes along.

So, I am, as I see it, justified in resenting Him.

And in resenting everyone that even tries to bother me.

The only people who are safe are the people who actually SEE that I resent them, and act with humility even as they acknowledge that there is pretty much fuck all that I can do about it, or the fact that they are there, or that, with their faults and all, they even dare to draw close to me.

So, when I aw this woman, and she had this extremely expensive ring on her finger, gold, my thoughts left the normal track, and I decided to distance myself from her, because she was, after all, taken.

What took me a long time to even acknowledge to myself wa the fact that THIS ring was on her right hand, the hand that was exposed to me, and on the finger that one gives one 'the finger' with. I think I had a mental seizure when I saw that this woman, doubtless the most exquisitely well-made woman I had ever come across,  had a ring that of course ca,e from someone else, and she was wearing a badge that said she was, or had been, involved with someone.

I think the past, present tense is NOT really relevant wherte I am concerned, and so, I suppose that, when I noticed the ring on her finger, I flared up, and funny thing is, she reacted in a very ... telling way.

the little girl that had been playing near the door, between me and the woman, was called by her to come sit here by mummy, in gentle afrikaans, and her voice caused me to raise my eyebrows, because it was a patient and coo-ing voice, and it  went past my defenses, and when she came to her, the girl was made to sit on her lap, but facing away from me, which action showed her [child's] slightly exposed butt [she was wearing a pair of pants, and presumably, no underwear, odd in that the child was probably just less than a couple of years] and when I noticed that, even as I was noticing, the woman, without even looking up at me or raising her head, lifted up the pants of the child, and i turned my attention to the
 

baby in the stroller, and even as I did that, the woman, STILL without looking at me, or even rasing her head, reached up her be-ringed hand, and adjusted the sucker-thing on the baby, so that it  was properly in the child's mouth, and I was left with NOTHING to look at but the woman herself, and funny thing, she had this calm face, and her hair was about the same colour as her face, not stark-white, but sort of like the sheep fur above, and I could not help looking at her ... a lot.

Even running my eyes down her body, and seeing the full breasts, and complaining to myself that because the kid is so young they must still be full of milk, that one would not even be able to play with them and not get one's face squirted full of nipple-juice, and anyway, wasn't the POINT to that tit-like thing in that baby's mouth so that the child would not want milk all the time till maybe the woman was ready for that.. or could it be that it was as a supplement to sucking so that the woman would NOT have to breast feed?

I am not that aware when it comes to kids, and so, I was ready to assume the worst, till I conceded that she probably was NOT tit-feeding the child.

I could be wrong, see, and I hate circumstancial evidence, but what I  surmised was that this woman, with her expensive ring, and her unusual patience and crooning voice, was REALLY not that interested in her kids, and so the ... link... with them was tenuous.

Which conclusion is borne up by the things that happened next. Because the girl wanted to use the toilet, and the mother had her get up off her lap, walk, with woman pushing the pram to the ladies' and it was as she walked that she did what I was NOT expecting, which was to NOT see her very swell hips doing a see-saw as she walked, but, a bit like I had seen with the ladies at S/Town's long beach, she seemed to be ... tense... even as she walked. (Did I say she is the most beautiful woman i have ever seen? Well she is)

I saw her size, and she is NOT tall, and maybe I would have to lean down to even kiss the top of her head, but the woman has those kind of legs that, from above the knees, at the back of the thighs, are sort of... swollen, angry-looking almost, and she had on black; black jersey open in front, black tunic/long blouse, curving with her waist and covering her ass, and black, close fitting jeans, that followed the contours of her legs and ended up just abover her rather slim ankles, with everything so properly balanced that my first thought was 'Lead us NOT into temptation', because I sw the woman, I LIKED the woman, and even more so, when the library opened and I went and sat at Station 6 and she went to the counter, and she stood there with her face not quite looking at me, but her whole body turned my way, and I saw the expresion on her face, and it would be no lie for me to say it was a bit like... the chorus of the following song, if I can get it on YouTube





 

come and take me
here I am baby!

So, my... point is, God promised me that His burden would be light,and everyone of these women are NOT the type of women that I have to strain myself with, and also, it follows that , from the Isaiah 6 vs 1-13 promise, that NOW that it is established that I am neither for God or for people, I am no longer ready to accept  or give sacrifice, and that means,I  am going to kill those that have pissed me off, and no one and nothing will stand in my way.

Prepare for the boiling cauldrons you fools, the vengeance of God is here, yessss!