Now, I had, after being really pissed off at everything for a whole day, gone and decided that I would have my pieces sold for me by the guys in Kalk bay, and I found one willing enough to do so, so I expect that today I would have something, because i bloody WORKED for that, see?
But, the guy wants some frames of the Big Five, so that his younger brothers can 'plaster' them using cut cans, and i was considering doing that, and getting PAID for it as well, when i thought, nuh, instead of wasting valuable time and night-vision making that, how about taking advantage of the fact that the day tomorrow is not going to be wet, and making something with the remainder of my beads and wire ['remainder' is relative, i have loads of the stuff] and selling it at the beach tomorrow just to hedge my bets.
so, I settled on something I thought would make someone who sees it go "ooh look at that, isn't it cute?" and i decided to make myself a beaded, portable, rabbit, as a start -no, I actually framed a mouse, but decided to plaster a rabbit first.
As i was making it, the memories came back of a rabbit that my mom had had at home, in a wire cage my father had had made, and one day, I had gone up to it, and looked into its cage and it had stared at me blankly, and made not even the least sign that I even existed. I rattled its cage, and got no repsonse, till I decided to poke at it with a stick.
all I got was a disdainful movement to a safer distance, and the same unruffled side-stare with one eye -if I could call it that, since the eye was allblack and I could not make out pupils to see if the thing was even LOOKING at me!
So, I got rather aggresive, and tried to get some kind of response at all costs, and I ended up damaging its eye and nearly killing it, but i did not even get a wimper from it, not a sound. it was like i was not even DOING anything to it.
So, I said to God that thats how I feel towards Him and His involvement in my life. Unlike with the rabbit, which I approached, He was guilty in my view of coming into my life, and whenever I tried to get Him to say WHY He was even anywhere in my life, I got annoying responses that, to me, were and ARE non-sequiturs, because they may explain what He sees wrong in my life, but NOT why He took it upon Himself to ignore the... proper channels and address that in a manner that would get me to deal with that problem as I see fit, without having Him ... involved.
I even went on further to say, quite bluntly that I did NOT want Him anywhere near me, and that i regard every act of His, even on 'my' behalf, an insult, because He was disregarding the fact that He was not even welcome to begin with, to contribute anything into my life. That I would never even accept Him, or his thing that He put on me, because as far as I am concerned, the thing that is wrong in the world the most is Him, and the impossible pressures that he puts on people to somehow intuite that He wants them to act in a certain way when he Himself has made it impossible for people to act like that.
I mean, He made the man, after making animals, and when He saw that the man chose, since all he could work with was what was there, that the 'helper' would be a woman, one for himself, He got upset and spent a whole day sulking, and then made it obvious that He wanted the man to Himself by deliberately ignoring the woman and coming to 'visit' the man, thus creating a further strain on the man who would have to be left alone to deal with the woman when He was not there; and then opunishing the guy for choosing to listen to the 'voice' of the woman and rather seeking to be with someone that was not a visitor... et.c., and I went on in this ame vein, and concluded that, see, I do not think that anything I say will have any impact on You because You choose to hear only waht You want and ignore the rest, so fuck You! I worked for my stuff, made it, spent nights awake so I could do something that i would say I DID, and if You have a better alternative, then instead of wasting my time so far with Your snide comments, you should have done something about it!
After exhausting my wordsm, and giving up in frustration, I was surprised by a soft, almost apologetic rendering of the words to a song by maxi-priest and the particular words being
I just wanna be close to you
to do the things you want me to
i just wanna be close to you
to show you the way I feel
to do the things you want me to
i just wanna be close to you
to show you the way I feel
I further understood WHY He had said " I am starting with the man in the mirror", because I am apparently the FIRST and ONLY person to get God to take a look at Himself and decide to... change.
And that the ONLY reason why I can not now say 'get out' is because I feel... pity... for Him, and so have decided that His thing, which apparently is the reason why He can read my mind and know better than I can at times what I am really thinking, deep down, can stay.
which is why there was that 'ten million dollars' to build that thing vision, and why it took 18 of them to have me to finally decide that I would remove those people that upset me, because, see, the End of All Flesh is before me and i hate every living thing, except the 'unsuspecting strangers' who did what pleased me and made me decide that i would keep these for myself.
but, see the 'ark' vision had a bat's wing.
so, there are five women that would be hanging on, and these have to be the kind i would spare because they are easy on the eyes and probably would be dead if they do not come out in the open about themselves; women who KNOW what I write, and have been making pests of themselves but not because of kids, or such! who theyv are, who cares, i am abiout to get serious, but not today
