As a kid, having gone to my maternal roots... where my mother's half brother had his home, and monkeying around with his son, who was of an age with me, I had him pinned down, and the next moment, the 'play' turned into earnest, because suddenly, with the boy in my power, I... remembered... all the prakns he had been up to that showed me exactly what an idiot he thought me, and I decided, there and then, to pucish him.
his father had to intervene when I started belting the boy, when my anger so suddenly showed and I gave in to it, totally.
Funny thing, the father was probably more aware of my situation at home than I was, and he did not lay into me as I expected, but berated his own son.And he is one of only two uncles I was ever any... close... to, and the other one , my father's brother, is the one I had gone to visit on his deathbed when i encountered God on my way back. Both were soldiers, and both came back from the DRC dead or dying, because of the cerebral malaria, and both died within months of each other... leaving me with no one to... shield me from life.
But, this is not a sob story;I am trying to point out the weird bloodlust I have.
I remember, too, the fact that, the same year these two... died, the one after a long struggle, and the other, just like that, in 2000, my father had a day when he... a-typically... exploded at me, and instantly, with me reading the violence in his voice, we were at each other's throats, and while this was the SECOND time I had had a physical encounter with him;- the FIRST time I punched him when he was going for my mother but I later denied it convincingly because I blanked it totally from my mind till later, after the council of elders was over- it was the FIRST time I felt like killing him. Maybe I had no... refuge anymore, maybe I had no one to ... turn to, and that left me with a desire to do everything myself, but I almost had him by his beard and was about to break his jaw, his ribs, his legs, you name it, when cold cl;arity came into my berserker mind, and i told myself that if people heard that I had beaten my own father in his own house, they would wonder why, if things were so bad, I did not just walk away. Was I a candidate for Oedipus Complex? Hell no:- so, I pushed him onto the sofa, and I walked out.
But my fingers itched to take my vengeance on one half of the team that had made my growing life so... miserable, because i reviewed all the things he had put me through, and I wanted to exact my own retribution on him there and then.
Much later, when i was involved with this girl I later complained to god about... actually, when it was... over, and He gave me... out of the blue, the
"been caught in compromising situations
I should have learned
from all the times I didn't walk away
even though clearly it was best to go..."
I should have learned
from all the times I didn't walk away
even though clearly it was best to go..."
lyrics, as i faced the girl, I felt the awakening of all the bile that I had kept in, the things she had put me through, the ridicule that i had suffered from my parents and the community, and now, it was all just down the drain, and my life in tatters, and I had not even wanted the bitsh to begin with till God ... interfered...
Heck, I remember swinging my fist straight into her nose, and the blood that gushed out then, onto my bare toe and my slipper... that is probably what saved her life, because even I had to clamp down on the frenzy that the sight of her blood awakened in me.
then there was the last time at home, the time I decided i would leave, when I gripped my mother's arm and wanted to press home a point, and I realised that it was just a short jump from this to outright murder, and not even a jump, but rather a small step, and the lines in-between were all of a sudden too blurred for me to see clearly... so, it was not long after that I left, because in this case, it was 'clearly best to go'.
I felt pretty much the same thing - the bloodlust- when it came to, first, michelle, then everyone of the osc when they all decided to make my life their playground, but I had absolutely NO intention of going away, since the only people whose lives I may have wanted to spare are far from me.
So, i went nowhere, but I still was... rational ... enough to realise that I had more to lose by giving in to my anger than they had, because so far, the world system favours... them; I could be thrown in jail and made to answer a charge of murder... or, in this case, upwards of thirty cases of murder, if they are all taken in one lumpsum.
So, I started evolving, and basically, what I had not taken into account was the fact that God was basically letting me have ny own way, that He had absolutely NO jurisdiction on me, that I could do pretty much what I wanted to, because when He said I had a choice, He not only meant i could decide what I wanted, but also that i could enforce my decision on the world.
I have had this... companion... from birth, and so, everything i see has been filtered through him, and as that is the case, I can not even begin to... imagine... a life where he is not there, because before i even drew breath, i was coccooned in him, and finally, we... fused, and now, there is no difference between me and him, no separation, I am two-in-one, and while i, the thinking person, am in charge, I am able, because of him, to draw from the... AlMighty because I have a piece of Him in me, which makes me indestructible, or as likely to be hurt as God is. If one can harm God, then I also can be harmed.
Yesterday, I mimed to the osc that I would... first... deal with them, that I would go through whatever it took to get to them first, and would exterminate the whole lot of them, but then, I had time to think, and all along i have been progressively drawing away from them, and with God showing me what women think, I have used that to get more emotionally distnced from them, till I even got over allison and her sexy ass and legs... OK, maybe no over her, but at least I stopped trying to force my attentions where they were not welcomed.
I was rational enough afterwards to realise that I got pissed off the day before yesterday because I had met the chick who works in Kalk bay with her ever-present male companion, and that, at the moment we passed each other, when I looked at her as well as berated myself for being too tardy in my walk,( I had stopped to see what some guys were drilling near the road as one bgins the wallled walk into kalk bay, and so, we met where I was sure that, if the osc werewatching, they COULD see) the guy said something to her and they both laughed, and at the same moment i had caught a whiff of the smoke that came from my jacket, which I use as a blanket, and decided that they were laughing at me.
I kicked over the top of one of the brick... posts that line the road, because, it pissed me off, and god had NOT said anything about this chick, so i could not know if she was interested in me or just wondering what kind of bug i was.
Needless to say, He defended Himself buy showing me a vision, which, because I have only five mintues left, I can not get into now.
Suffice it say, I am not going to kill these people NOW. I will avoid the chick, yes, as far as I can, but I am waiting for two women, hell, i have no compuction right now about whether they are currently not even residing in south africa but as long as they are reading my posts:- A Latino woman and a white woman, so that I can... feel the wares.
Then I will unleash my version of LAW and ORDER.
Heck, I remember swinging my fist straight into her nose, and the blood that gushed out then, onto my bare toe and my slipper... that is probably what saved her life, because even I had to clamp down on the frenzy that the sight of her blood awakened in me.
then there was the last time at home, the time I decided i would leave, when I gripped my mother's arm and wanted to press home a point, and I realised that it was just a short jump from this to outright murder, and not even a jump, but rather a small step, and the lines in-between were all of a sudden too blurred for me to see clearly... so, it was not long after that I left, because in this case, it was 'clearly best to go'.
I felt pretty much the same thing - the bloodlust- when it came to, first, michelle, then everyone of the osc when they all decided to make my life their playground, but I had absolutely NO intention of going away, since the only people whose lives I may have wanted to spare are far from me.
So, i went nowhere, but I still was... rational ... enough to realise that I had more to lose by giving in to my anger than they had, because so far, the world system favours... them; I could be thrown in jail and made to answer a charge of murder... or, in this case, upwards of thirty cases of murder, if they are all taken in one lumpsum.
So, I started evolving, and basically, what I had not taken into account was the fact that God was basically letting me have ny own way, that He had absolutely NO jurisdiction on me, that I could do pretty much what I wanted to, because when He said I had a choice, He not only meant i could decide what I wanted, but also that i could enforce my decision on the world.
I have had this... companion... from birth, and so, everything i see has been filtered through him, and as that is the case, I can not even begin to... imagine... a life where he is not there, because before i even drew breath, i was coccooned in him, and finally, we... fused, and now, there is no difference between me and him, no separation, I am two-in-one, and while i, the thinking person, am in charge, I am able, because of him, to draw from the... AlMighty because I have a piece of Him in me, which makes me indestructible, or as likely to be hurt as God is. If one can harm God, then I also can be harmed.
And I am fed up.
Yesterday, I mimed to the osc that I would... first... deal with them, that I would go through whatever it took to get to them first, and would exterminate the whole lot of them, but then, I had time to think, and all along i have been progressively drawing away from them, and with God showing me what women think, I have used that to get more emotionally distnced from them, till I even got over allison and her sexy ass and legs... OK, maybe no over her, but at least I stopped trying to force my attentions where they were not welcomed.
I was rational enough afterwards to realise that I got pissed off the day before yesterday because I had met the chick who works in Kalk bay with her ever-present male companion, and that, at the moment we passed each other, when I looked at her as well as berated myself for being too tardy in my walk,( I had stopped to see what some guys were drilling near the road as one bgins the wallled walk into kalk bay, and so, we met where I was sure that, if the osc werewatching, they COULD see) the guy said something to her and they both laughed, and at the same moment i had caught a whiff of the smoke that came from my jacket, which I use as a blanket, and decided that they were laughing at me.
I kicked over the top of one of the brick... posts that line the road, because, it pissed me off, and god had NOT said anything about this chick, so i could not know if she was interested in me or just wondering what kind of bug i was.
Needless to say, He defended Himself buy showing me a vision, which, because I have only five mintues left, I can not get into now.
Suffice it say, I am not going to kill these people NOW. I will avoid the chick, yes, as far as I can, but I am waiting for two women, hell, i have no compuction right now about whether they are currently not even residing in south africa but as long as they are reading my posts:- A Latino woman and a white woman, so that I can... feel the wares.
Then I will unleash my version of LAW and ORDER.
