Now, I am saying this, have said this, plainly, before, that I would rather be dead, but i can not die. THAT is the source of all my rage, and somehow, I do not seem to be able to actually get through to people that I am NOT what they expect, and ... ah, well, let me carry on with this step by step.
I want to die. Focus on that. PLEASE. Not that it will help you, but it will put ME beyond your judgement.
Now, I have explained how that came about;=>, but, for the sake of complete clarity, I will say it again, step by step. 1) My mother decided i was the wrong sex, so, she decided not to emasculate me, but to... asphyxiate me. And succeeded in going beyond just THINKING about it, to DOING it. And failed. Because she had decided this, which was without her knowing about it, fulfilling God's requirement, that the first woman to give UP her child totally to God, and NOT to the father of the child, would make that child be-long (meaning more completely God's than anyone else, as opposed to be-short,which is what you all are) to God. hence, when my mother named me "Tungamirai", she was giving me to God, not because of my name only, but because she meant that she would rather die-or more properly have ME die- that give me to my father as the longed for son. And NO man, deep down, loves his son, because he would be jealous of the attention that the mother gives to the child, and the same sex thing would trouble him. How do i know this? because i see. because i look, and take nothing for granted. because i rely on no one but on facts, because i can never lean on any person, but only ON what i know,and conclude.
And when i 'saw' that my mother did not want me, and I realised that life was bleak and hopeless ANYWAY, I decided that i would not protest when she was out to destroy me, but would embrace that, and THAT was when I discovered how God cheats, how He does not begin at the beginning but BEFORE the beginning, and this is no more evident than in the visions i have seen, which have caused a lot of, now that i look back at it, hilarious and not-so-funny moments in my life, as I will explain in a little while.
but, well, because the desire to die is NOT implanted in me by my mother, but by my own realisation that there is NO point to this life, which is maybe a point i have neglected to mention, I ... hope... that finally it may dawn on you fools that this has, aside from her being the cause of my awareness, NOTHING to do with my mother, this is about ME being unable to accept life, as it is.
2) I started, after my drowning and failure to die, to seek out my own personal ways NOT to be involved in life, and the crux of the matter came when i was drawn from my almost- conformation in the 'simple' matter of having a girlfriend, by God telling me about the way i would tie myself up if started lying like that, and of course, my own attempt to try to figure out what was what also added to my own confusion about life, about God Who allows these things to happen, and so, I went into a down ward spiral that ended up with me seeking what was a not-so-revolutionary way out, to seek my own destruction. NEVER did i try to do as I thought would leave God pleased, except when I felt that I had nothing to lose, or had become so abominable ANYWAY that not even He would accept me, or when i had decided, after reading about jesus and his 'sacrifice', I was about to be cooked anyway, since i could never live life like that. in short, I really tried to die, and spared no effort to get myself on God's bad side, just because i had figured that He alone could end all my having to ... decide... and do things i was expected to do.
And over and over again, God showed me that He was 'down' with me, and was never at pains to show my 'wrongness' but seemed to egg me on."I have claimed you for Myself", "Speak friend and enter" "Tell them the source of the cloud that does not bear water" "Government Thor: cape Flats"... "I have given you a companion... ,my own soul"
which means that, umm, if I am against EVERYONE at present, and God is FOR me, then, make the circle complete, for yourselves=> God is AGAINST you all, for His own reasons, since He is an independent entity, see?
yes, I do not want to live, never ever overlook that. Let us therefore say this, that since I do not want to live, or care nothing much for life, am I in a position to actually become a go-getter and try to aggressively take things like someone with, say vive joie? No, that would not be something to be expected, would it? I do not think so. Am I therefore likely to be a person that would play games and say , like all of you, things he did not mean but which he would say to try to get someone to do something else? No, i would be at constant pains to just keep everything simple and earmest, would i not? I would have to. if I made mistakes, i would make sure i went back again and again to that, figure out where i was wrong, and not stick to a lie, but hold on to facts alone, yes?
i would not, for example, say that i have made up my mid about someone if that was ,meant as an invitation to some other woman to come and try to walk past me to get her bottles trashed so that I could notice her and her scooter and see her pass by again, and then have her ride triumphantly past a while later to show me, someone who thinks deeply about anything before doing it, that she is more acceptable when I had already decided that, since her very tone/manner of speaking grates on my nerves -her frustration about life shows in her voice, and it gets to me big time, she has that tone that a mother-hen that has been deprived of her chicks must get after it sees ANOTHER eagle or crow fly overhead. I would just kill her in a heartbeat because i would be asking MYSELF what I did to HER to have HER pour out HER troubles on ME, like i do not have enough on MY plate without her adding on her troubles to them. She is different, since she can not imagine someone who does NOT want to live, but I KNOW where i am at, and that is why I am so intolerant, and why I decided that I would kill mike personally, even when now i am not so sure that the only person I thought I could stand is the one i would be able to. Do not get me wrong. If there is to be a woman for me, it would be her, not only because of that 'recess project' vision- ( fuck i tried the swimmer woman there, but i realised that i have an great loathing for ... mothers, even if with their daughters, and if she was married when she came anywhere near me, then i would have to end up deciding that she had insulted me by seeking my company, when this cinderella 'glass shoe' episode became a rave, and women started seeking me out to open my eyes and show stupid me that it was them I should be running after. No, this apple chick alone fits the bill, she is the least offensive, and also, as i explained, about the only one , fuck, the ONLY one I have seen that i can stand looking in the face and not see the lies and attitude of condescending written there. i like looking at her face, it is like an oasis in the desert of my life) but because even NOW, when she should be showing me something else about herself, she still prefers to hide herself, despite probable mounting pressure to conform. It proves one thing to me, that she, despite hiding behind people-which thing is the reason why I am killing mike, because she hid behind him and would not face up to her own actions , and gave that arrogant asshole a chance to grind my face in the dust, and for that, mike AND the people who were party to it, or were sent later to try to patch things up, are dead. I hate someone who does NOT own up. fuck what is so scary about HER facing me? If she did the right THING first, and decided to put her neck in the noose as far as i am concerned and not sit and wait for me to change my mind, i would be less angry than I am now, and would probably spare some of her family members, although the rest are dead as dodos. you provoked ME by your actions woman, and now, you think i will back off and just let you walk away, or i would say, NO, you are so precious that i can not bear to lose you, i will do as you please? Fuck you, you will find out just who the fuck you are dealing with after i have destroyed all your hiding places and I am weilding my wrath over you, as you behold the ultimate fury you have unleashed in me, by taking my words like things to be knocked off their pedestals and testing me, you little fool. And you fall far short ANYWAY of my requirements! And you do not seem to get THAT!.....
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but, as i said, i am not so sure i can live with her, anyway, because, you see, her breasts. I judge a person BY appearance, and i do not like her chest area one little bit. I mean, if I had her with me, what would i play with during foreplay? A flat thing, that would mean i am left unsatisfied? nthing firm and round and full. fuck, those breasts of hers leave a lot to be desired. Now, if it had been that stunning blonde chick who came and sat behind me that day i ended up with the everyday me clean post, I would be happy, because she was fully loaded. Of course, she failed in this one department, she assumed, ;like all of you do, that her projecting her image was all that was necessary and i would be all hers. I mean, what part of 'if you want something with me you have to strive to get it" did she not get? Do you all not get? i mean, it is too late for you all anyway, which is why I am a true 'academic'=> it is all useless info for you now, but, my God, what the fuck is your problem. Just TRY to imagine trying to win the attention of someone with an attention span of zero, and try to figure out just what approach you would take? would you go, "so what am I, a recess project?" or would you decide that it is what you want, and go for it, and stop trying to get him to do YOUR part for you? Fuck, woman you are so STUPID. Which is why i think I am going to kill you, anyway.