Sometimes, when one is beaten, it is good to just admit defeat, and move on, and I am doing just that.
i was sick at heart last night, when i walked from the station and saw the apple chick upstairs, and she turned and presented herself to me, and I knew even then that we lived in two separate worlds. I did not howl with rage at God, nor did I make any shout, but I turned and did not even bother walking past the building, what was the point? so I turned up the one way, and went, ad meekly slept. And woke up late, dragged myself to vinnie's and did not even have the heart to go to the library, but I came, and sat down, and waited for him to come back from swimming, and then, I saw butthead ii, and he was standing right there, where I was, when I had ... asked... for my own peace of mind, that everyone just give me breathing room because i would soon be gone from their lives anyway, and I knew that I was speaking Greek. Unfortunately, even if one downs a Black Label quart as quickly as possible, one does not get drunk, and I so wanted that, just so I could disappear into some foggy haze. Didn't happen.
So I got to see everything happen before me.
To the apple chick, I just want to say this, after what I saw today, and everything that happened, I ... regret... even bothering you, or even coming with my nonsense into your life. I am a person that you could not even fit anywhere into your life, and what I am is not, obviously, what you expect, and I suppose, that is the reason why I am quitting bothering you. I saw you stand right by me, and I knew that we were separated by something more than a mere table. We walk in tow different worlds, and all I wish for, all I long for, is that I could just die, and of course that makes no sense to you, and I found out that it makes no sense to ... anyone, because even vinnie and this other guy were grilling me, having found me a place to stay, to share with this guy, and they were concerned that I was wasting my life away. I tried to explain the God-thing, and of course, that does not make sense to anyone, and so, I am saying goodbye.
i will do what I must do, and, because God cares so much for my ... life -I do not know if anyone can even begin to understand how BITTER I am at God- then I am unable to do anything but focus on this ... thing, and get it done, and then make my leave.
if only you knew how much I have come to love you, but I can not fit into your world. And obviously, I am unable to induce you into mine, and unable to accept what you, as a person, would consider the 'normal' customs that any person would be expected to adhere to. I would rather die than harm anyone, but ... since I can not... I have tried to point out the things that anyone who is ... near me... ought to do so that we do not cross each other's paths.
which is why I ended up, regretfully pointing out in sign language that I WILL have to kill your mike, because I had TOLD the fool to stay out of my way, and it hurts so much to ME to be mocked because of a prison God has fashioned for me. It would have hurt but his pride to just listen to me, but he would not. He had to gloat, and so, he must die, and there is no way I am taking that decision back. If you love him so much, or if he protests that, he can kill me, or you can. I am so sick of life I would welcome the brief pain. Maybe if you stabbed me then you would see for yourself what will happen, and maybe see what kind of bleak life I lead.
And maybe see WHY there is no second option for me
do me a favour, please. I see that the gallery woman, maybe your mother, does not get my point, because I am NOT interested in anything to do with you people, nor do I want ANYTHING from you people, and of course, you make your own deductions and conclusions because it is best to you all to think that, because I stay on a mountain, and seem to be struggling financially, so I need a lift from you guys, like almost happened was it yesterday, when this old guy and this old lady intervened to get me to stop from attacking mike, and the thought from you people was this;- he is broke, he needs money, and so, if he gets money he will leave us alone, or maybe he is jealous because he does not have as much money as mike, and doesn't he know that to make it anywhere in life NOW one needs money, why is he so ... impractical. But you missed the point. God happened to me. And I rejected Him. And He forced Himself on me, and kept on burdening me with His words, and now, if I can point it out, if you could just walk a bit in MY shoes, or imagine that, what would your reaction to having anyone, anyone that you can reach, do something that is similar to you, or even look down on you, or even try to impose some moral, ethical or economic code on you? I can NOT work for anyone, i can NOT accept the concept of labour, or working for a living, because if I can NOT accept the authority of God that I am unable to do anything about, how can I accept YOUR values and ethics and bow down to them? So, please, do not play your games with me anymore. I have been as plain as I can be. The next person to cross my path dies.
I am reaching into myself in order not to prolong my agony here and just depart, and hey, I never meant to bother you, so go on and live your life, and just leave me be, till I am gone. If anything I have said makes any sense to you, then please, just please give me breathing room. Seeing you tears something within me, and I am tired of causing myself pain when I look at you and know that you are as near to me as the moon. I love you so much... but, hell, I am too weird I guess to be of any use, even to myself.
I release you. I will never harm you, how can I? Even if you throw my words away and do as you think fit. You are the only person that has reached deep into the closed confines of my heart, and touched a nerve, but I am sanguine enough to realise that what I am precludes any chance of anything like a stable life. I ask this as a favour, that you would stay away from me, not because you are in any danger, but because it ... hurts... me to see you .
I will try to stay away from you.
Let me sink into my darkness in peace,
because my light has shattered
into a thousand pieceslook not in my face
at least let me have the grace
to walk away without my pride in tatters
i was sick at heart last night, when i walked from the station and saw the apple chick upstairs, and she turned and presented herself to me, and I knew even then that we lived in two separate worlds. I did not howl with rage at God, nor did I make any shout, but I turned and did not even bother walking past the building, what was the point? so I turned up the one way, and went, ad meekly slept. And woke up late, dragged myself to vinnie's and did not even have the heart to go to the library, but I came, and sat down, and waited for him to come back from swimming, and then, I saw butthead ii, and he was standing right there, where I was, when I had ... asked... for my own peace of mind, that everyone just give me breathing room because i would soon be gone from their lives anyway, and I knew that I was speaking Greek. Unfortunately, even if one downs a Black Label quart as quickly as possible, one does not get drunk, and I so wanted that, just so I could disappear into some foggy haze. Didn't happen.
So I got to see everything happen before me.
To the apple chick, I just want to say this, after what I saw today, and everything that happened, I ... regret... even bothering you, or even coming with my nonsense into your life. I am a person that you could not even fit anywhere into your life, and what I am is not, obviously, what you expect, and I suppose, that is the reason why I am quitting bothering you. I saw you stand right by me, and I knew that we were separated by something more than a mere table. We walk in tow different worlds, and all I wish for, all I long for, is that I could just die, and of course that makes no sense to you, and I found out that it makes no sense to ... anyone, because even vinnie and this other guy were grilling me, having found me a place to stay, to share with this guy, and they were concerned that I was wasting my life away. I tried to explain the God-thing, and of course, that does not make sense to anyone, and so, I am saying goodbye.
i will do what I must do, and, because God cares so much for my ... life -I do not know if anyone can even begin to understand how BITTER I am at God- then I am unable to do anything but focus on this ... thing, and get it done, and then make my leave.
if only you knew how much I have come to love you, but I can not fit into your world. And obviously, I am unable to induce you into mine, and unable to accept what you, as a person, would consider the 'normal' customs that any person would be expected to adhere to. I would rather die than harm anyone, but ... since I can not... I have tried to point out the things that anyone who is ... near me... ought to do so that we do not cross each other's paths.
which is why I ended up, regretfully pointing out in sign language that I WILL have to kill your mike, because I had TOLD the fool to stay out of my way, and it hurts so much to ME to be mocked because of a prison God has fashioned for me. It would have hurt but his pride to just listen to me, but he would not. He had to gloat, and so, he must die, and there is no way I am taking that decision back. If you love him so much, or if he protests that, he can kill me, or you can. I am so sick of life I would welcome the brief pain. Maybe if you stabbed me then you would see for yourself what will happen, and maybe see what kind of bleak life I lead.
And maybe see WHY there is no second option for me
I am getting the sense of complete detachment from everyone around me, and finding out that I am maybe the most miserable of people. It hurts most to be able to live with something explosive and destructive in you, and know exactly what will happen, and know just why it would happen, and also know that it is something that will happen even despite my own inclinations, because, just as a river flows from higher ground to lower ground, then also things MUST happen simply because that is the path os least resistance.
I am reaching into myself in order not to prolong my agony here and just depart, and hey, I never meant to bother you, so go on and live your life, and just leave me be, till I am gone. If anything I have said makes any sense to you, then please, just please give me breathing room. Seeing you tears something within me, and I am tired of causing myself pain when I look at you and know that you are as near to me as the moon. I love you so much... but, hell, I am too weird I guess to be of any use, even to myself.
I release you. I will never harm you, how can I? Even if you throw my words away and do as you think fit. You are the only person that has reached deep into the closed confines of my heart, and touched a nerve, but I am sanguine enough to realise that what I am precludes any chance of anything like a stable life. I ask this as a favour, that you would stay away from me, not because you are in any danger, but because it ... hurts... me to see you .
I will try to stay away from you.
Let me sink into my darkness in peace,
because my light has shattered
into a thousand pieceslook not in my face
at least let me have the grace
to walk away without my pride in tatters
