Every time, I have tried to face up to the worst that can possibly happen, and have decided I can handle it, and today, i tried to concentrate, of course, on everything, but at the end of the day, I have given up. I find myself completely, totally, and, as far as I can see, totally hopelessly, in love.
and that is the weird bit, because my reasoning is that i am a logical reciprocal type of person, but then, on second thoughts, maybe that is NOT so weird, after all, because it HAS taken a while for the impact of this woman to sink in.
I mean, she broke all the rules as far as I am concerned, and did her best to yank my chain every time, and i was just wondering why she did so, like follow me around, and not make it a point to just drive by -remember the 'unseen academicals' post, where I was, if I recall properly, giving up on the woman thing, and was thinking that I must take that bearded woman and her daughter-following signs and wonders, like this one song goes, although I am not a christian {uh, i have two hours, and am bored, so the thing goes;- too many christians nowadays are following signs and wonders, it no right, signs and wonders must follow them'}- anyway, she drove past me, i recognised the number plate, and then, later,she came by again, and i vividly recall her, as i passed that curve before the bridge near clovelly, making eye contact and looking away quickly, like she was afraid to stare too long, but in that glance I got the message of volumes being spoken.
this woman IS my achilles heel, and i find that, despite the opposite poles we are at, I really can NOT imagine a life without her. Which poses a problem here, because I am sure that she will try to use that, as usual, against me, to make me refrain from being me, and NOT kill people, but hell, those people are dead, and the only person i ... may spare... would be a member of her immediate family, despite whatever was done to me, but the rest ARE dead, and she may not like that, which is why i ... suppose ... that i will end up killing her any way.
life sucks, huh?
God writes weird scripts, and instead of me being the unfeeling, gloomy death-dealing Warlord, who is out solely for revenge, I find myself having to stop contemplating making the very air turn into some sort of sizzling oven that burns everything it comes into touch with- but then, since i care NOTHING for MY life, that sizzling air will touch me also, which is the problem i have at present as far as making it rain, thunder, or lightning, or even an earthquake. i would have to end up scrambling for safety like everyone else, because I am... THERE... in that vicinity, but i am getting to the point where I am bored out of my skull, and since I really want to experience everything, i probably would end up getting to hell myself, just to see if it can not kill me, like, i want to feel it... I mean, why be indestructible if you can not test it any chance you get?
i suppose the only way to curb my exuberant destruct-testing is if I had something to lose, and she is it, but getting her in MY clutches -fuck, there is NO ONE that I feel more protective of, more in need of just keeping safe than her- is a task that i have frankly given up on. even though the other day i buried my face on vinnie's shoulder when, after i had complained, in graphic sign language as well, that she was showing 'my' legs to every asshole around, and I was sleeping playing golf, she came out immediately, dressed no longer just in that one-piece one arm black thing, but in a pair of those tights as well. Small change, yes, but she ... seemed... to be listening, and it seemed that my opinion was starting to weigh something with her.
Fuck, I love this woman, and i wish i did not, because i have been hurt a lot by her, and, of course, every guy she dissed me with is ... dead... unless he is her brother, like same parents, not half, or whatever, because i KNOW what them fools would be thinking when they look, or when they see me drool and walk with her, like when the imp even tried, as they stood with their backs to me the first time they walked past me, and I was like, "WTF!", in BLOCK, HUGE capital letters, and then came back and she was explaining something to him, and he stretched out his hand as if to take hers in his, and she subtly raised her hands, and went akimbo, and carried on talking, and I marked the guy, for dead... .
i read a book once about this guy, called finn mccumhall or something, who in real life was supposed to have caused stonehenge to come into being, being called finn of the strong hand for turning a bunch of roving warriors into an army that subjugated the entire ireland, but who, in this story was born from a woman who was supposed to be of the fairy folk but whose father wanted her offspring dead, meaning finn, and who subsequently left the underworld and lived among men when finn's father was killed, and she got married to this guy, who was ugly, and admitted that he was a toad, and when finn, as a young drifter, joined this guy's band of warriors and used to scale the towers to the woman's rooms, and spend a lot of time with her, the guy, when he found out, was at a loss as to what to do. he could not compare with the blond eye catching young sprog, whom he considered his rival, and he even said it to his adviser, that "if she did not love him, i would have killed him without a second thought, but he spends such a lot of time in there, how could i break her heart. I mean, look at me, i am a toad. Wonder what she saw in me, to begin with".
Well, I feel like that.
I am ugly. I mean, I have seen people look at my side profile and look away quickly, and well, I am ugly, and contrary, and while i do not spend time in self pity, because my tears run inside where no one can mock me, i am still aware that i am easily repugnant, and that 99% of all the people who are aware of what I am about and who try to be friendly are doing that not because I mean anything but because they want to be on my good side, which is why i have decided that ANY woman who has THOUGHT of herself as a potential mate -thought you could get away from me, huh?- is DEAD, as well as her entire family! Unless she falls in the mercy bracket, which is limited to a handful of people. My life sucks!
Yeah, well, I guess it is becoming quite irresistible that it rain on me... like... NOW, because I am so so extremely hard pressed, and thunder and lightning seem just so, so irresistible at present!
and that is the weird bit, because my reasoning is that i am a logical reciprocal type of person, but then, on second thoughts, maybe that is NOT so weird, after all, because it HAS taken a while for the impact of this woman to sink in.
this woman IS my achilles heel, and i find that, despite the opposite poles we are at, I really can NOT imagine a life without her. Which poses a problem here, because I am sure that she will try to use that, as usual, against me, to make me refrain from being me, and NOT kill people, but hell, those people are dead, and the only person i ... may spare... would be a member of her immediate family, despite whatever was done to me, but the rest ARE dead, and she may not like that, which is why i ... suppose ... that i will end up killing her any way.
life sucks, huh?
God writes weird scripts, and instead of me being the unfeeling, gloomy death-dealing Warlord, who is out solely for revenge, I find myself having to stop contemplating making the very air turn into some sort of sizzling oven that burns everything it comes into touch with- but then, since i care NOTHING for MY life, that sizzling air will touch me also, which is the problem i have at present as far as making it rain, thunder, or lightning, or even an earthquake. i would have to end up scrambling for safety like everyone else, because I am... THERE... in that vicinity, but i am getting to the point where I am bored out of my skull, and since I really want to experience everything, i probably would end up getting to hell myself, just to see if it can not kill me, like, i want to feel it... I mean, why be indestructible if you can not test it any chance you get?
i suppose the only way to curb my exuberant destruct-testing is if I had something to lose, and she is it, but getting her in MY clutches -fuck, there is NO ONE that I feel more protective of, more in need of just keeping safe than her- is a task that i have frankly given up on. even though the other day i buried my face on vinnie's shoulder when, after i had complained, in graphic sign language as well, that she was showing 'my' legs to every asshole around, and I was sleeping playing golf, she came out immediately, dressed no longer just in that one-piece one arm black thing, but in a pair of those tights as well. Small change, yes, but she ... seemed... to be listening, and it seemed that my opinion was starting to weigh something with her.
Fuck, I love this woman, and i wish i did not, because i have been hurt a lot by her, and, of course, every guy she dissed me with is ... dead... unless he is her brother, like same parents, not half, or whatever, because i KNOW what them fools would be thinking when they look, or when they see me drool and walk with her, like when the imp even tried, as they stood with their backs to me the first time they walked past me, and I was like, "WTF!", in BLOCK, HUGE capital letters, and then came back and she was explaining something to him, and he stretched out his hand as if to take hers in his, and she subtly raised her hands, and went akimbo, and carried on talking, and I marked the guy, for dead... .
i read a book once about this guy, called finn mccumhall or something, who in real life was supposed to have caused stonehenge to come into being, being called finn of the strong hand for turning a bunch of roving warriors into an army that subjugated the entire ireland, but who, in this story was born from a woman who was supposed to be of the fairy folk but whose father wanted her offspring dead, meaning finn, and who subsequently left the underworld and lived among men when finn's father was killed, and she got married to this guy, who was ugly, and admitted that he was a toad, and when finn, as a young drifter, joined this guy's band of warriors and used to scale the towers to the woman's rooms, and spend a lot of time with her, the guy, when he found out, was at a loss as to what to do. he could not compare with the blond eye catching young sprog, whom he considered his rival, and he even said it to his adviser, that "if she did not love him, i would have killed him without a second thought, but he spends such a lot of time in there, how could i break her heart. I mean, look at me, i am a toad. Wonder what she saw in me, to begin with".
Well, I feel like that.
I am ugly. I mean, I have seen people look at my side profile and look away quickly, and well, I am ugly, and contrary, and while i do not spend time in self pity, because my tears run inside where no one can mock me, i am still aware that i am easily repugnant, and that 99% of all the people who are aware of what I am about and who try to be friendly are doing that not because I mean anything but because they want to be on my good side, which is why i have decided that ANY woman who has THOUGHT of herself as a potential mate -thought you could get away from me, huh?- is DEAD, as well as her entire family! Unless she falls in the mercy bracket, which is limited to a handful of people. My life sucks!
I would fortify myself at times with these words, "there would be days, when we would be on different sides but that doesn't last too long" when i was either walking up the mountain after I had seen them flowers, or them foursomes, or her walking past, with mike, or butthead ii, going for a swim or something, while pointedly ignoring me, but i have blown out that bubble. I am hopeless, pure and simple. I mean, I am going to wipe out the entire chinese nation because, after I realised just how 'orchestrated' everything was, the day i went to the church, I decided to look not at the superficial 'gifts' them fools gave, or their lip service, because one asshole gave a testimony, and it was about some secret formula that he wanted exported from china, and then it ended, "i realised that, when God does not give you something, He has a reason", and so, they were assuming that, since I was battling as far as the chick was concerned, I should give it up? well, tough luck for you, and all you church fools, and brett and his cousin, I will show what anyone who DARES think he or she can intimidate or correct me or even try to convince the ONE who has NO blinkers on his eyes that what he see is not there. YOU ALL are dead, and i will personally make sure that your dying is protracted, and make you fools regret your words. if I could make you eat them, I would, fools!
if she did NOT care, despite maybe being afraid or whatever, she WOULD have shown it, and she has NOT. She has been as mad as a wildcat, spitting mad, and defying me [God how i love that woman], but always with a view to try to get me to stop being so difficult, and be more amenable, but point of fact is, I am at my most survivingest at this moment, i can't do more. I can not change or bend, and if this is too extreme for her, then i am lost, because there is no one else I can stand.She is the only woman that i can say I have 'grown' to love, hence my extreme depression.
Anyway, to get back to matters that concern the rest of the world, and all that i will kill.
now, this may seem rather too extreme, but, well, point of fact is, I had to get inside God's head, to get here, and well, what i have, what He gave me, makes me 'understand' Him, as no one else can, and thing is, God made people for Himself, and chose ONE man to be HIS out of all the people, like I explained the other time, when I was on and on about the child -eh by the way, just to round it all up, ALL of mike's workers who were sent as errand boys to test the waters are dead, all of them fools who looked me in the face to see whether i was getting the drift, are dead, whether you work for mike or not. You should have stayed out of my way, so, lets make the distinction clear, OK? I must just post this NOW while reloading this song, yes?
Why ONE man? because he had a wife he did not hate, at first, because he had lived with her a long time and not made her pregnant. Notice the gradual progression.From enoch who was the first NOT to sleep with animals, to noah who stuck to one wife, and then, all the way to abraham who was childless and who God promised to make great.
abraham rejected God, and chose greatness, refusing to 'walk before [God] and be perfect" and thus have everything he did scrutinised by God. guy actually, when put in the corner, said that he gave away his wife because 'there was no fear of God in this place', and so, he said she should be given away since she was his 'sister'.
fuck THAT. I want that woman with me, and I am pretty sure I will destroy every thing just to get to her, as i am currently in the process of doing. I mean, I WILL destroy everything her boss has built, anyway, and i am looking at me living a celibate life because I did NOT stick to my guns and say i want that woman, or else everyone dies, when I am fully capable of destroying everything anyway, i mean, fuck, why should I be BASHFUL!
Anyway, abraham thought there were places God did not operate,and so rejected God, and set in motion the scene that I, with my own peculiar goals in mind, and now fulfilling.
God HAD to give up on the people who gave up on Him, but in the only way that He can, by making THEM choose for themselves,. because He can not, and neither can I, force anyone to do as they do not like. And so, he sent them prophets, and they carried on thinking that they had Him in their pockets, till it seemed that there was even a prophecy for someone who would be the long looked for saviour, whose dominion would be everlasting. christ lost out on one major point, which he thought was the mainstay of God's resilience, when he told john, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have everlasting life", and this is where he is wrong, because God NEVER sends anyone else unless he Himself has washed his hands of these people. And is doing it jut to fulfill an ancient promise, "I will not go Myself with you, lest I destroy you on the way, for you are a stiffnecked people..., but I will send My angel before you... and my PRESENCE" meaning 'voice'. People dreaded the israelites before they even saw them and used guerrila tactics to just try to get at them, not face to face, because ... well, that is too technical, i use that for self defense anyway, so, some other time.
So, when christ came, he was the abomination that makes desolate, and so, in effect,God had NOTHING further to do with the jews, and so, the promise of revelation, of a myopic holy spirit and jesus who think they are acting in tandem with God, started falling apart, because those twelve tribes that were numbered 144 000 do NOT exist. find me those that keep those records, and prove me wrong. Now, if revelations can so obviously be proved wrong, do you not think that it is time you fools that are in my way moved OUT of it while i am still in a mood to let you die quickly? because, of course, them jews, are all dead, because of the holy spirit, and of course, by the time i am DONE, because I am neither interested in the death of my mother nor in the continuation of sexual acts after I am gone, I am going to make sure that what remains on THIS planet is something totally NEW, a creature that... but fuck, you will see it. So, the point is, eternal hell for my enemies, even the holy spirit, or some kind of life for you all, because, as things stand, especially as i see that tomorrow I am going to have a lot of time on my hands and i am not feeling the least bit sociable, I ... THINK... I am going to run out of patience and see just how I can destroy everything and make my enemies suffer for violating my personal space.
i am bored, jealous and have no leg to stand on, and I am so tired of being fed snippets when i have a huge appetite. What fucking song is appropriate here?
Yeah, well, I guess it is becoming quite irresistible that it rain on me... like... NOW, because I am so so extremely hard pressed, and thunder and lightning seem just so, so irresistible at present!
