It is easy for me to go over the edge, because as i mentioned before, I am flying blind, and it is not something that I enjoy to find out that them fools hang on, seemingly, to my words, not because they are in any way interested in me, but because they are looking for ways to... exploit you and use those statements to their advantage, to tie you down and say, "Now i have got you", and start prowling as they wish all over your territory.
I think mike thought me a fool when i said i hated God yesterday, and that I would do nothing to please Him, because that may be the reason he felt so bold to show his face, and then, when i ... seemingly... went to the internet cafe' and came back without anything done, he must have felt even bolder, which is why he was... dictating terms... to me this morning, and even when he saw me pull my hair or eat, he was there in a flash, like, 'you can not get the girl except on my terms'.
hmmm! i am revoking my promise. I am killing him. I hate assholes who think they,with their puny minds are cleverer than me. He is dead, and I stand on that.Defy me who dares, and I promise that your fate will be ten times worse than his. As i came from the train, I saw this nissan almera ,parked near the exit, so as one can not miss it, such as the gallery woman drives sometimes, and i suppose if it was her, she wanted to tell me to mind my p's and q's, and not forget that mike was protected territory. Want to back that up with more interferance, woman? because I sure as hell have you in my crosshairs, and I do NOT forgive or let issues go that easily. Many times you have interfered with e, and I have overlooked that. Dare you to see me unmasked and face my full wrath? Does ANY of you assholes seek to challenge me NOW? Fuck, I am game, and I will totally lay waste to your pathetic lives! Fools!
And for the women who think I do not know my own mind, i am giving what amounts to a final warning. It may be a country you pay taxes in, it may be your free will to move as you please, but where i am is MY personal space, and coming into MY face again, merits your deaths. And I will NOT revoke that. I made my choice as far as a woman for myself is concerned, and if that does not sit well with you, you think me a fool, then tough. get with that, because anyone who tries to make as if I should be choosing her, who i saw, and rejected, when I did my roving eye thing, should get her eyes re-examined. If I lose this one, then its MY loss. Its my choice who I fall for. I have that right, and I will NOT tolerate anyone else thinking he or she knows better than me. FUCK that. I will KILL the one who comes near me with that nonsense. Fuck, none of you even come close to that chick, and i have had months, months to sift through information and make an informed decision, so anyone parading before me, seeking to make me change my mind, will suffer the wrath of the maverick, because I do NOT listen to anyone when i do anything. Not when that person does not matter, that is!
Now, that that is out of the picture, I have to turn my attention to the cause of my... surprise. now, i have a hobby, and that is, trying to get into people's heads, and that is like second nature to me because i tend NOT to pay attention to people at face value. Now, i came from the internet cafe in fish hoek, and sat at vinnie's stall, and kept my eye on the entrance to the gallery, tyring to find out, by any action, just what the fuck was going on there. before, earlier in the day, when i had walked past, i had seen the shutters of the offices closed, but when I came back from fish hoek, they were open, and so,of course, i knew that this was... war. Whoever had read my post had decided to put me down, and show me how he/she thought of me, and so, I waited to see them suckers come out, somehow, and got bored, walked this girl whose mother is a friend of vinnie's wife, part way home, and walked back, to see this very- Ok, girl you are as attractive as a venus flytrap, and I have the shivers when i think of what must be going on in your mind when you try to imagine me and you in the same vicinity- cheeky michaela chick drive past, trying to make eye contact with me, and that told me a lot. She,the one I was interested in, WAS not listening to me, and they whom I was NOT interested in, were getting everything loud and clear ( familiarity/ infatuation breeds contempt, I guess), and so she was posing a suitable substitute. I can not pretend that i was not hurt, I was and found that there was nothing I could do about it. when i wanted to just come and quit everything and say, fuck this, i will destroy everything anyway, out comes red breeches, and I ingored her, and then, a little later, much too smart for her own good-it is too late to apologise, i would LOVE to see you make fun of me this time, as you prepare for your grave- the smart chick, and i imploded. Big bang. And decided to see if the apple of y eye was really up there, looking down on me. I do not know how i got distracted from seeing her, herself, exit the building, but when I did see her, she was walking- and i HOPE she has rejected me, because those would, otherwise, be MY legs she was showing so publicly, and I hate that black she wore. She was wearing a one piece that came from just here up to just there, and exposed everything, like she was making a statement or something. I mean, thats MY property you are showing off, and denying me anyway. fuck am i supposed to think? Oh, maybe she is just scared of me, because way she was walking, she must have been terrified, and so, of course, i am probably barking up the wrong tree. Maybe I should just leave her alone and leave .
because well, everything is going wrong, here.
I think I have lost, really, so i must just concentrate on killing people and leaving a screaming, wailing and gnashing of teeth -Oh, I forgot, most south africans do NOT have teeth, their natural ones that is, so that doesnt concern them, yes?- as i make my leave.
Fuck, it hurts though. Didnt know till I had how completely i have lost my heart to that woman. because I have never actually LOVED a woman before, and this one, tis one i wanted. I think, i perversely want to enjoy the pain and have something to point out to God, that fo all else he could have given me, He was unable to give me the ONE thing i ever really wanted, and maybe, I can use that to someday break free of Him, ha ha!
ironic, really
Fuck the live show thing, i want the words! maybe this, above, just, is better:_
I think mike thought me a fool when i said i hated God yesterday, and that I would do nothing to please Him, because that may be the reason he felt so bold to show his face, and then, when i ... seemingly... went to the internet cafe' and came back without anything done, he must have felt even bolder, which is why he was... dictating terms... to me this morning, and even when he saw me pull my hair or eat, he was there in a flash, like, 'you can not get the girl except on my terms'.
hmmm! i am revoking my promise. I am killing him. I hate assholes who think they,with their puny minds are cleverer than me. He is dead, and I stand on that.Defy me who dares, and I promise that your fate will be ten times worse than his. As i came from the train, I saw this nissan almera ,parked near the exit, so as one can not miss it, such as the gallery woman drives sometimes, and i suppose if it was her, she wanted to tell me to mind my p's and q's, and not forget that mike was protected territory. Want to back that up with more interferance, woman? because I sure as hell have you in my crosshairs, and I do NOT forgive or let issues go that easily. Many times you have interfered with e, and I have overlooked that. Dare you to see me unmasked and face my full wrath? Does ANY of you assholes seek to challenge me NOW? Fuck, I am game, and I will totally lay waste to your pathetic lives! Fools!
And for the women who think I do not know my own mind, i am giving what amounts to a final warning. It may be a country you pay taxes in, it may be your free will to move as you please, but where i am is MY personal space, and coming into MY face again, merits your deaths. And I will NOT revoke that. I made my choice as far as a woman for myself is concerned, and if that does not sit well with you, you think me a fool, then tough. get with that, because anyone who tries to make as if I should be choosing her, who i saw, and rejected, when I did my roving eye thing, should get her eyes re-examined. If I lose this one, then its MY loss. Its my choice who I fall for. I have that right, and I will NOT tolerate anyone else thinking he or she knows better than me. FUCK that. I will KILL the one who comes near me with that nonsense. Fuck, none of you even come close to that chick, and i have had months, months to sift through information and make an informed decision, so anyone parading before me, seeking to make me change my mind, will suffer the wrath of the maverick, because I do NOT listen to anyone when i do anything. Not when that person does not matter, that is!
because well, everything is going wrong, here.
I think I have lost, really, so i must just concentrate on killing people and leaving a screaming, wailing and gnashing of teeth -Oh, I forgot, most south africans do NOT have teeth, their natural ones that is, so that doesnt concern them, yes?- as i make my leave.
Fuck, it hurts though. Didnt know till I had how completely i have lost my heart to that woman. because I have never actually LOVED a woman before, and this one, tis one i wanted. I think, i perversely want to enjoy the pain and have something to point out to God, that fo all else he could have given me, He was unable to give me the ONE thing i ever really wanted, and maybe, I can use that to someday break free of Him, ha ha!
ironic, really
Fuck the live show thing, i want the words! maybe this, above, just, is better:_
Now that I've lost everything to you
you say you wanna start something new
but its breaking my heart [I'm] leaving...
fuck, I will go with the rebuke thing, and say that he was telling me to just behave,and stop acting like I am something when i was born like everyone else, and did not have anything happen to me that made me different from everyone else, or better, or indestructible, or better, or ....fuck, OK, I can NOT die, OK, and I have tried THAT
let us call that immutable fact number 1
After that everything goes down the drain
i need a song. I really need a song about how crazy everything is.
I have to think about that one!
fuck, it will not show, but it is showing monstes Inc, monsters whatever, monsters that have had six years since coming over, and all that, so i gues i have to show what I also KNOW as , a learned IMMUTABLE fact,
Immutable fact Number 2:- There exists something with me, and in me that makes me ... unique, and if i want to put it that way, powerful beyone measure, and indestructible, but ONLY as far as my mind allows it
Immutable fact Number 3- I can cotrol whatever I feel like when I feel like it when i feel threatened, and want a way out, but I KNOW that that is an ... unnatural... imposition on my part, and so tend NOT to do it so often, since i prefer natural reactions, as far as people are concerned. Where people are concerned, I have a firm rule, based on my experiences with my ... eh... past, that a person has to be free to express him or herself, which is why i do not tend to exert control over people by coercing them. It cheapens them, and me also. So, um, what anyone may feel around me is what they really are, because what also keeps me safe, because of my ADD, also makes sure that people show their true colours around me. It is called... holiness. the 'Be Yourself' syndrome. if you want to spit when you see me, then you probably really hate me, et.c.
i suppose the point is, what anyone feels or thinks with me, even the snide comments, are what they really think about me. fear aside. i mean, I INDUCE fear out of basically everything. I used to think it was otherwise about dogs barking at me, but now i KNOW that I am terrifying, and things tend to put their tails between their legs when i am around, or try to act all brave and defy me, So, fear is NOT an excuse. I mean, just today, tony made sure that he sang a line from a song, "yes, I'm the great pretender..." and i got the message. I wanted to do as i did with the dead-man-walking and throw my cup of coke in his face, but i ended up throwing it to the ground, because i did not want to upset vinnie, but it must have pissed the asshole off that i dirtied his premises. Fuck, i hate that guy, and i want it known that I do not care about people, and never approach people, except obama, and he has it coming for lying to me about promises he had no intention of keeping, and so, the ONLY reason i may decide to kill someone in my vicinity, and i mean literal death, is because i am convinced that the person has a personal thing against me. so, he dies, see? QED!
Now, personally I would like to know how it feels like to actually literally END someone's life.
like, for real, to kill.
Ifeel this hunger to let blood out, and cause just one, or a handful of them fools, to just die with that knowledge that I am ending their lives and will not stop until they are dead, dead, dead. I want to see that hope extinguished from someone's face, because i ... um, do not really empathise... with people. I just want to cause pain. simple.
And THIS is the fucking guy that ... hopes for a girl. get real! Fuck, this is insane! I mean, this really fucking sucks! Fuck, the girl does not even want ME! I am just, at best, ike a child's toy that is of no value when the child is holding it, but she gets jealous whenever someone else starts appreciating it. I mean, i do not think it ever crosses her mind to imagine my arms around her. i think i am too terrifying for that. Fuck, I know i find her sexy and appealing, like a woman, and also that she is probably the one person that does not grate on me and cause me to want to lash out whenever i see her, like every other person i have encountered does. fuck, i know i have said a lot of things against her, but i only have to see her face, NOT her ass, nor her side, just to calm down. with others its the other body parts, but I can not stand to look them in the eye. She is the only person i have studied face to face, and not recoiled. I want her with me, and I maybe can not explain that fully, but i know the boling rage in me, and the grief that any protracted encounter with anyone brings out, as i get sucked into their lives and their dreams and wishes and all that, and i end up tuning everyone out, or making jokes just so that we steer the conversation elsewhere, but when it comes to her, I find that there is no such abrasiveness awakened in me. true, i may find it difficult to talk to her, but at the same time, I do not find it a hard thing to imagine her as part of my life for any length of time. i do not recoil from that thought, I actually ache for it to become reality, and yet, i am pragmatic. I do not have high hopes for this, and I am not really hopeful that anything will come of this. You know, everytime she showed up, she did not do the bold, direct, protracted eye contact thing, like a defiant person, but there was always that quick look and downcast eyes, and well, i will be so... bold... or put my neck on the block and say that this is one woman who, despite everything, has respect, for me, in her actual everyday makeup. Of course she disagrees with almost everything about me, but it is HOW she disagrees that gets to me. I have never seen anyone that did that. i mean, everyone will disagree with me, because i INTEND to be disagreeable, because i am going to judge things and put down one thing, and fill in another valley and make everything plain, but heck, pardon me, or do not, for throwing my heart after this woman. Whether i win her or lose her, I have found the one person that makes me feel less of an outcast than anyone else i have ever encountered. So, if any of you does NOT respect my choice of woman, at least respect THIS< I will KILL the next woman to offer herself to me! YEAH-SSS!
you say you wanna start something new
but its breaking my heart [I'm] leaving...
Anyway, I was just told, when i was publishing the last bit about maybe being able to break free of God, a line, "usazvinyepere, usazvifadze nenhema"[<=01:30-01:32 song called "Mugove", where the guy is saying, before that, that if one dropped his umbilical code like everyone else, and was born like everyone else, he must not "lie to himself, or please himself with lies" that he can do everything. I wonder whether I qualify as a normal birth!], from a song by leonard zhakata, and i will try to sing it to myself so i can remember the title, and show it here.Anyway, the song, typically, is long, and I did not want the shortened remix, because i do not know what has been left out, but this song goes on and on about a person that- fuck that, the POINT is that the words are there, and God uses these things because of my attention deficit disorder, since, well,if one is not really THAT interested in things, one tends to not bother doing anything much, but look for the plug and pull it out of the socket. So, i am hyperbolising here. Either God, who is in NO position to rebuke me, IS rebuking me by saying I am lying to myself about these things, or He is defending Himself, that it is NOT over yet. I mean, i am a cold person, who does not want to live, is less tolerant than the clearance of a jet turbine blade, and i am going to have to end people's live, possibly without having to kill them myself,but just using words, like, "Die Now", and they obligingly die, or some such shit> now where was I? I tend to get carried away with y own racing thoughts here! Ah, yes, there are about 400 -500 million people in the USA now, of all races, and those lives are going to just end like that, and I am quite cool with that, and for some reason I am STILL hoping that a normal woman, a beautiful, normal woman who is , or is not attached to some guy who is more loaded with dough than a double barrelled shotgun with both chambers stuffed full of them fat mushrooming armour piercing bullets, and who knows not if i am either crazy _ i actually do stay on a fucking mountain-, and technically, i am terminally ill, technically, and i have just promised I will kill this man who may or may not be the father of a child she may or may not have and who i have never seen, and why NO ONE of them reports me to the police I do not know, because i am doing lots of prosecutable offences here, and naming the places by name, and showing a blow by blow account of what is going on, and STILL I expect that the said person, who may just be suffering from a remote case of Stockholm Syndrome, would actually WANT to be with me?And He says that its NOT over?
let us call that immutable fact number 1
After that everything goes down the drain
i need a song. I really need a song about how crazy everything is.
I have to think about that one!
Ok, I'm an alien
an illegal alien
i'm a... something... in broad daylight!
And i will end up like ET at the speed of light?
fuck, if YOU can do better, the go ahead. I will kill you anyway. How about this one, the monsters Trailer. I hope IT behaves and goes where i want it to, not ... before!
an illegal alien
i'm a... something... in broad daylight!
And i will end up like ET at the speed of light?
fuck, if YOU can do better, the go ahead. I will kill you anyway. How about this one, the monsters Trailer. I hope IT behaves and goes where i want it to, not ... before!
fuck, it will not show, but it is showing monstes Inc, monsters whatever, monsters that have had six years since coming over, and all that, so i gues i have to show what I also KNOW as , a learned IMMUTABLE fact,
Immutable fact Number 2:- There exists something with me, and in me that makes me ... unique, and if i want to put it that way, powerful beyone measure, and indestructible, but ONLY as far as my mind allows it
Immutable fact Number 3- I can cotrol whatever I feel like when I feel like it when i feel threatened, and want a way out, but I KNOW that that is an ... unnatural... imposition on my part, and so tend NOT to do it so often, since i prefer natural reactions, as far as people are concerned. Where people are concerned, I have a firm rule, based on my experiences with my ... eh... past, that a person has to be free to express him or herself, which is why i do not tend to exert control over people by coercing them. It cheapens them, and me also. So, um, what anyone may feel around me is what they really are, because what also keeps me safe, because of my ADD, also makes sure that people show their true colours around me. It is called... holiness. the 'Be Yourself' syndrome. if you want to spit when you see me, then you probably really hate me, et.c.
i suppose the point is, what anyone feels or thinks with me, even the snide comments, are what they really think about me. fear aside. i mean, I INDUCE fear out of basically everything. I used to think it was otherwise about dogs barking at me, but now i KNOW that I am terrifying, and things tend to put their tails between their legs when i am around, or try to act all brave and defy me, So, fear is NOT an excuse. I mean, just today, tony made sure that he sang a line from a song, "yes, I'm the great pretender..." and i got the message. I wanted to do as i did with the dead-man-walking and throw my cup of coke in his face, but i ended up throwing it to the ground, because i did not want to upset vinnie, but it must have pissed the asshole off that i dirtied his premises. Fuck, i hate that guy, and i want it known that I do not care about people, and never approach people, except obama, and he has it coming for lying to me about promises he had no intention of keeping, and so, the ONLY reason i may decide to kill someone in my vicinity, and i mean literal death, is because i am convinced that the person has a personal thing against me. so, he dies, see? QED!
Now, personally I would like to know how it feels like to actually literally END someone's life.
like, for real, to kill.
Ifeel this hunger to let blood out, and cause just one, or a handful of them fools, to just die with that knowledge that I am ending their lives and will not stop until they are dead, dead, dead. I want to see that hope extinguished from someone's face, because i ... um, do not really empathise... with people. I just want to cause pain. simple.
And THIS is the fucking guy that ... hopes for a girl. get real! Fuck, this is insane! I mean, this really fucking sucks! Fuck, the girl does not even want ME! I am just, at best, ike a child's toy that is of no value when the child is holding it, but she gets jealous whenever someone else starts appreciating it. I mean, i do not think it ever crosses her mind to imagine my arms around her. i think i am too terrifying for that. Fuck, I know i find her sexy and appealing, like a woman, and also that she is probably the one person that does not grate on me and cause me to want to lash out whenever i see her, like every other person i have encountered does. fuck, i know i have said a lot of things against her, but i only have to see her face, NOT her ass, nor her side, just to calm down. with others its the other body parts, but I can not stand to look them in the eye. She is the only person i have studied face to face, and not recoiled. I want her with me, and I maybe can not explain that fully, but i know the boling rage in me, and the grief that any protracted encounter with anyone brings out, as i get sucked into their lives and their dreams and wishes and all that, and i end up tuning everyone out, or making jokes just so that we steer the conversation elsewhere, but when it comes to her, I find that there is no such abrasiveness awakened in me. true, i may find it difficult to talk to her, but at the same time, I do not find it a hard thing to imagine her as part of my life for any length of time. i do not recoil from that thought, I actually ache for it to become reality, and yet, i am pragmatic. I do not have high hopes for this, and I am not really hopeful that anything will come of this. You know, everytime she showed up, she did not do the bold, direct, protracted eye contact thing, like a defiant person, but there was always that quick look and downcast eyes, and well, i will be so... bold... or put my neck on the block and say that this is one woman who, despite everything, has respect, for me, in her actual everyday makeup. Of course she disagrees with almost everything about me, but it is HOW she disagrees that gets to me. I have never seen anyone that did that. i mean, everyone will disagree with me, because i INTEND to be disagreeable, because i am going to judge things and put down one thing, and fill in another valley and make everything plain, but heck, pardon me, or do not, for throwing my heart after this woman. Whether i win her or lose her, I have found the one person that makes me feel less of an outcast than anyone else i have ever encountered. So, if any of you does NOT respect my choice of woman, at least respect THIS< I will KILL the next woman to offer herself to me! YEAH-SSS!
