anyway this be what was happening to me over the weekend. I am trying to see it through her eyes, for a change, because, of course, i am assuming that up till now, nothing about what I was ALL about was really sinking in. I am sure she thought it was all just about HER, and so when, I said that I was... into... her, she assumed that I was so very in her clutches, which is why she acted as she did, and i got to see her show me the ropes, so to speak as in, this is how far I will allow you to go, because I must be comfortable, yes?
No, because i NEVER implied that I would defer to her when it comes to how things are DONE, and so, I decided to ... kill her, for insulting me. Which i wouldhave gone through with, knowing full well that she is the one person i can not do without, but then, I can NOT also be taken for a fool by a person who applies the same principles to me as to any other living person. I am, without boasting, able to SAY that NOTHING and NO ONE is like me, so, when it comes to the maverick, never, ever assume. Better come clean, and not expect that i will change to suit you. THAT will never happen. THOSE days are over, and the NEW days are full of weeping.
Anyway, the asshole-THAT one- showed up after some time as i sat facing the olympia bakery entrance, to avoid staring the sedan that the gallery woman had parked in my face- woman does not ever seem to get the fact that unless i can find a family link between her and the apple of my eye, i am GOING to kill her for being IN my FACE- so that i would go all gooey, or some such bullshit. he walks right past me, down from wherever, and i am like, "?~!". Exactly! And I look at the building, shake my head, and laugh, because at that moment, I decided that enough was enough. Everyone and their cats were dead. Not even a minute after, she was out, and the reproachful, hurt, not-quite-defiant look she gave me before looking down spoke volumes. vinnie, who saw her later, said she looked traumatised, and i felt rather ... silly. And i looked her in the face, and while I took her in, I was, at the same time, struck by what an impact just 'reading' her face made on me. This is one person who, unless she is ashamed of the truth, loves me totally. And someone I ... love... with all i am capable of.
So, what is the problem?
well, I am not so sure that there is ONE anymore from my side, unless you count trying to force her to step aside so i can kill her child, which... needs some kind of... explanation, a bit later, but which i will NOT make her do, though.
from HER side, well, unless she can get over her unreasoning fear of me and accept me as i am, I am still going to be unhappy. And i love this woman, Ok, but please, I will NOT be involved in your past. And THAT means it STAYS behind, ALL of it. Since, of course, those who make up some part of it are in some respects males of some dubious distinction, I will slaughter all of them, for MY peace of mind, because i am a man also, and I will not let someone else who is designed incapable of being humble lie down so that i can piss over him. I will kill them all instead. I may let women that had no thoughts of romantic involvement with me live, provided they did not piss me off. BUT no male who has been ... involved... in pissing me off, lives. NO, so, woman accept that, or reject that, but by God do not take me for a simpleton who is satisfied with mere lip service. I will suffer THAT no more. It is a pity that i can not forget , because if it was not for... sex... I would throw you away like rubbish, with everyone else. But in this case, I am rather reluctant to do that, because you are the best I have found. even though you take me for a little child that does not reason properly. I wonder what kind of nonsense you will show me next. Because the fact that i am in Complete Control, and UNFETTERED seems to elude you.
Anyway, the impression the woman gave me was that she was NOT involved with this guy, this chap, and it hurt her that i thought she was like a loose woman. i wanted to stand up and say something as she left me with my back against the telkom box, as I was taking in the fact that she had come out- a bit- from her shell and wanted it clear that she was NOT about to have me think her guilty of trying to take me for some idiot , or something. She came out and she walked as if she wanted to come right at me, and i was going to say something, but a small voice said, "peace, be still", and I did nothing. because, to me, it was like, Ok, enough of the bullshit, I will just accept what i have here, and move on, because one thing i can not believe is that God, the expert at denying me what i want, would accede to me having any kind of... pleasure. So, i was ready to take even her insults, because her coming to me with her baggage was exactly THAT, an insult, which means i would have killed her for it later, when i got used to having her around, story of my life, but I am soo tired of failures in THAT department, and i just want to have an end at the same time, that sometimes, i am tempted to take in people that would be just stop gap relief, but really, as damian sang,
as long as she realise she aint no plaything
she is the only queen the king is designating
as honestly the deal i am negotiating
i know its kind of deep but keep on concentrating...
She is IT as far as a woman for me is concerned, and when I went, after she passed me by and went into the building, with THOSE eyes of hers, after looking at me longer and less fearfully as I sat there, just staring, "Fuck You, God fro playing me for a fool, and keeping me tied to this merry-go-round", I hear another small voice, only this time it was singing a line from a song that has people hail abraham as a hero of OBEDIENCE when in effect he was taking God for a fool,
Mwari akatuma abraham
kuenda kugomo re Moriah
[God sent abraham
kuenda kugomo re Moriah
[God sent abraham
to a mount in Moriah]
genesis 17:1-7And when abram was 99 years old, YHWH appeared to him and said
Which is where I unapologetically begin to dismantle your christian beliefs, fools.
but first, MY story.
i figured that since God never makes anyone do something the person does not want to do, then what i was trying to get this woman to do was something that, in my twisted mind, would make her into someone like my mother, so i could kill her anyway, but the fact that she stuck to the I-am-NOT-involved-with-the-guy-but-I-will-not-accept-your-terms attitude made me do some soul searching of my own, and i found that she was right. the real, hopeful, fearful me locked up all these thirty one years had been longing for just that, a person with her own principles, who could reason things through and see for herself what was right, and who would nonetheless NOT despise me.
or, maybe i am a bit premature there, about despicable me.
Anyway, this be the tail end of it. I got up, saw a CR-V, there, and decided that this was rubbish, and I determined to kill everyone anyway. then this girl with glasses came by, the second time she did so, and i was getting tired of it, see, but at the same time i had had a woman with a mini sit next to me, and had been seeing some couples-today was the weather for it- smooching and stuff, and i was tired of waiting for something that never goes anywhere, and so, i stared at her for a while, knowing of course, that she was, like the others who paraded themselves before me earlier, she WOULD die for her presumption, but i was like, Ok, fuck, just let me have that one, and i will be good to go, even though she has a face that makes me want to puke, and she has nothing like the attractiveness of the apple of my eye, and when i just look at THAT woman, or have her look at me , not casually but like she is, ah fuck, where is THAT song, THOSE songs, ha!
but first, MY story.
i figured that since God never makes anyone do something the person does not want to do, then what i was trying to get this woman to do was something that, in my twisted mind, would make her into someone like my mother, so i could kill her anyway, but the fact that she stuck to the I-am-NOT-involved-with-the-guy-but-I-will-not-accept-your-terms attitude made me do some soul searching of my own, and i found that she was right. the real, hopeful, fearful me locked up all these thirty one years had been longing for just that, a person with her own principles, who could reason things through and see for herself what was right, and who would nonetheless NOT despise me.
or, maybe i am a bit premature there, about despicable me.
Anyway, this be the tail end of it. I got up, saw a CR-V, there, and decided that this was rubbish, and I determined to kill everyone anyway. then this girl with glasses came by, the second time she did so, and i was getting tired of it, see, but at the same time i had had a woman with a mini sit next to me, and had been seeing some couples-today was the weather for it- smooching and stuff, and i was tired of waiting for something that never goes anywhere, and so, i stared at her for a while, knowing of course, that she was, like the others who paraded themselves before me earlier, she WOULD die for her presumption, but i was like, Ok, fuck, just let me have that one, and i will be good to go, even though she has a face that makes me want to puke, and she has nothing like the attractiveness of the apple of my eye, and when i just look at THAT woman, or have her look at me , not casually but like she is, ah fuck, where is THAT song, THOSE songs, ha!
When I spoke of her chin before, i meant just that. She has a chin that makes me really want to trace it with my finger all the time, and when she looks like that, or smiles- i mean, can ANYONE blame me for wanting anyone she smiled at dead! I mean, i want it all for ME, not someone else- its like i can not explain. And I am a hardbitten cynic. I mean, you can not get more cynical than me, even if you try, and well, you can try if you want to!
Ok, so she does leave me breathless, and that... hurts... because I am in NO position to be ... involved with anyone. I would have to let God heal me, which i tell you He itches to do, at the drop of a hat, to have me turn from death to life, so He can use me of course,which makes sense because the three years of my struggling are about up, and i have to be without spot when I stride and take on everyone,inn these seven last years, so i must be secure by then, but well, this may sound like a line from a sick poem, but without her, i do not WANT a life, because what is the point? And I am not thinking of going suicidal IF she rejects me, I AM suicidal anyway, but I would like to stop worrying about other things while I am in everyone's face.
all I need is just a passing glance, something that I have never felt before, when i see her, happens to me. I felt, when I saw her walk past, a bump in my heart, a something that made me look down at my chest and wonder WTF is happening.
Thing i like about the woman is she does NOT have that provocative demeanour. Not with me. And that makes her as safe with me as can be, because someone who takes everything you say and emotes it, is someone that i can not suffer harm, and me being a cold person that feels nothing, well, means i can respect someone else's feelings. So, I mean, i love her, ok, even if I think its all quite a hopeless thing.
So, anyway, about the child thing, God said to abraham, that if he loved Him, and, fuck, where is the online bible?
all I need is just a passing glance, something that I have never felt before, when i see her, happens to me. I felt, when I saw her walk past, a bump in my heart, a something that made me look down at my chest and wonder WTF is happening.
Thing i like about the woman is she does NOT have that provocative demeanour. Not with me. And that makes her as safe with me as can be, because someone who takes everything you say and emotes it, is someone that i can not suffer harm, and me being a cold person that feels nothing, well, means i can respect someone else's feelings. So, I mean, i love her, ok, even if I think its all quite a hopeless thing.
So, anyway, about the child thing, God said to abraham, that if he loved Him, and, fuck, where is the online bible?
genesis 17:1-7And when abram was 99 years old, YHWH appeared to him and said
I am El-Shaddai, walk you before me and YOU perfect
and I will make my covenant between me and you, and multiply you exceedingly.
And abram fell on his face and God talked with him saying
As for Me, behold My covenant is with you
and you shall be a father of many nations
neither shall your name be called anymore abram, but abraham [the silent breathing sound that is the 'aleph' reserved for God Himself, like a coma in space, was what god added to the guy, which, as i will explain in days to some, if i want to, was a bit of mockery on God's part, but then, when one speaks in asingle ... tone, of complete authority, it is hard for simpletons to grasp that he is being sarcastic, right?]
for a father of many nations have I made you
And I will make you exceedingly fruitful, and I will make nations of you, and kings shall come out of you.
And I will establish my covenant between Me and you and your seed after you in their generations for an EVERLASTING covenant, to be a God to you, and to your seed after you.
And I will establish my covenant between Me and you and your seed after you in their generations for an EVERLASTING covenant, to be a God to you, and to your seed after you.
Later, after all this, God deliberately... LIED... to the father of many nations, and said, and here, i get a deja-vu feeling like this is a distorted story of my own life, and the thing i was trying to force the woman to do, "Genesis 22:2;- Take now your son, your ONLY son, whom you LOVE and go into the land of moriah, and offer him for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains I tell you of", and abram must have shouted for glee, and he did this, EARLY in the morning, and he departed.
Now, what tells one that God was NOT later involved in THAT almost sacrifice [and here I am assuming everyone has spotted the fact that abraham knew very well that he had TWO sons, and that he had such a tight-fisted hold on his son that he never gave him breathing room, point being that NO ONE ever allows anyone that he truly LOVES to have a child, but I said that already, and you still do not get it. Anyway, sarah was the woman abraham loved, and rather than impregnate her himself, even if he was capable of it, he prefered to have abimelech try it out, and god stopped that, and when he had the guy circumcised, then, maybe, the pleasure, the diffrence, told so much on the woman that she showed so much enjoyment abraham was left feeling a bit put out, like, we have been married for years and only NOW is she moaning with pleasure. Wonder if she has been comparing me to those other guys I made her sleep with? => anger=> pregnancy. unfailing combo] Because an angel spoke. God is NOT bashful, He could have spoken, but because the guy THOUGHT he was cleverer than God, and he would remove the source of his jealousy from his face so he could enjoy his wife, God showed him he was but a fool.
Now, what tells one that God was NOT later involved in THAT almost sacrifice [and here I am assuming everyone has spotted the fact that abraham knew very well that he had TWO sons, and that he had such a tight-fisted hold on his son that he never gave him breathing room, point being that NO ONE ever allows anyone that he truly LOVES to have a child, but I said that already, and you still do not get it. Anyway, sarah was the woman abraham loved, and rather than impregnate her himself, even if he was capable of it, he prefered to have abimelech try it out, and god stopped that, and when he had the guy circumcised, then, maybe, the pleasure, the diffrence, told so much on the woman that she showed so much enjoyment abraham was left feeling a bit put out, like, we have been married for years and only NOW is she moaning with pleasure. Wonder if she has been comparing me to those other guys I made her sleep with? => anger=> pregnancy. unfailing combo] Because an angel spoke. God is NOT bashful, He could have spoken, but because the guy THOUGHT he was cleverer than God, and he would remove the source of his jealousy from his face so he could enjoy his wife, God showed him he was but a fool.
Anyway, it never hurts to... think... a bit people. I do it almost never because all i want to do is just die, but i think more than you all, and I wish i could say that you saw what was happening,l but you do NOT.
God is not like you and me, to speak things that He wishes may happen, He says what WILL happen, but that does not mean that what He says WILL happen is what He WANTS to happen, and you fools miss that step. God wanted a covenant with abram, that if the guy walked before God and was... perfect... then God would make HIM, the guy a big guy, multiply him. But NOOOO, the guy wanted to be like everyone else, so God ...
fuck, hat is the point?it is there before you all, and you do not see it? ha ha ha!
God is not like you and me, to speak things that He wishes may happen, He says what WILL happen, but that does not mean that what He says WILL happen is what He WANTS to happen, and you fools miss that step. God wanted a covenant with abram, that if the guy walked before God and was... perfect... then God would make HIM, the guy a big guy, multiply him. But NOOOO, the guy wanted to be like everyone else, so God ...
fuck, hat is the point?it is there before you all, and you do not see it? ha ha ha!
