So i will not be killing people here, but because i have to go, and because nothing on tgis earth will make me face my family and spare their lives, though it would kill me because, funny enough i DO love my mom and dad, i HAVE to have my space. SO, I WILL HAVE PEOPLE KLLED;-ITS MY PREROGATIVE, AND CLEAR THE AMERICAN CONTINENT. HERE'S how it all came about, today
Icame from the library and went to a cafe on thefish hoek main road and the owner, a guy who had known me from my fish hoek days. buying drihk-o-pops as i walked to the mountain gave me free drink-o-pops because we had metat vinnnies as he came to buy beer at the blue bottle. My mood was considerably lightened but that was like softening for the final blow because when i was at vinnie's, i stepped on some dog shit,and looking for a broom toclear the shit from the pavementwent my stinky wayto where tony burger (or beggar ) the owner of outspaan, was standing and he apparently remarked to vinnie that i shoukd clean my armpits, at least. On topof that, the night before vinnie's landlord had come back from hiding- since i had said that SOMETHING would happen on saturday, ajd he found me at vinjie's garage, on the tablet, THIS one, and when vinnie later went back to the garage after seeing me off - God how I owe this man a lot;- itis because of HIS humanity and persistence over my doubts of human consistency that will keep you insignificant pieces of shit alive, beacuse i would not have a hair of his headharmed- a sudden gust knocked off the garage door and hehad to spend a considerabke amoujt of tikme fixing it, andafterwards the guys tgought someone-me- had broken in and taken thestuff mr. juliase had taken into his house for safekeeping.
The holy spirit had the stage set. Vinnie should have kicked me off, but he asked me what i would like to do, ajd pointed out his problems while pointing out, stressing to a cynical disbeliver, that he did not wantto lose the friendship, kinship, we shared.
We were supposed to look vor ahouse, but i demurred, and said not today, and he took me to his home, and for thr first time the hard knot of anger that had been so much a part of me was gone, and after i had washed my feet, they DO smell, i felt like paul must have felt when the scales fell off his eyes:-so the guy actually DOES care about me, then? You, of course, have no idea just how liberating that feeling was. I had become like a beast, and did not feel anything anymore, and went about like a zombie, and my life mattered non at all to me, nor did i have respect for another's.
But i find myself being rather grateful to this "mudhara" even though he does treat me like a child- like tomorrow we have to go swimming early in the morning so that I get a shower, freshen up for the day, and give people no more room to talk. Anyway, we started looking at pictures of other people he had helped, and amomg them was one of this girl-two actually- who used to "come to our church and play the guitar ":- the one I insulted and called names and who, last time I saw her, was wearing the skirt i had admired which she had made herself, looking woeful. And something melted in me. Guess i can be a bit thick sometimes, but then, "hope" is something that happens to other people as far as I am concerned. Before that i had seen the olympia chick, and of course the question that HAD been preying on my mind - where did she stash the kid then- became moot, because i was not interested. Woman muet THINK me crazy, but then i am, arent I? After she had passed, i Had to get up because some kids had stolen some of our wares which i thought abisha was looking after -yeah, reminds me of THAT bit about the mother and daughter, but Now with some places about to be engulfed in flames guess who is the girl i am likely to have the mother %violate% her principles for? Guess the woman will be pleased with the trade, since because of HER generosity to vinnie, my friend, who FYI is, and i confess this guiltily, clueless as to how he has diverted potential disaster from all of you by his generosity ang great heart- now where was I? Yes, abisha had gone, and i was pissed off, and the art chifk may have construed THATA to mean i was pissed off at the olympia cifk, because i got to see her alk pas with a guy that had been with abisha about some art he wanted, guy who apparently runs chesterfield guest house, and another blonde chifk AND a guy called mike, with the first two so 'obviously' a couple that even abisha concurred. I wanted to rub her off totally, even write off her embarrassment the other time as a response to my seeing her in an embarrassing situation and not it being about me, but then, it as also to trite for me to ignore the way she hounded me, nor could I overlook the way the guy was looking at me, maybe to see if i exploded or some sufh shit. shit, i never know what the fuck this woman,s problem is?
So, guess I have ah interesting day ahear of me tomorrow. I have to get a place to stay,for some reason vinnie and i did Not call the guy and now we are provably going out in a few minutes to look for airtime and then i go up the mountain. Oh and i HATE dreadlocks. Guess mr scary has to go, fir a while. As long as i do NOT have to jeet my mother. I will become worse than i could have been otherwise. Thoigh part of mez even knowong just how impossible it is for ANYONE to face me and live - remember how i became weak the other time? Wellz as i walked oh, I asker God why He had left me like that, and the quote from this song about Him perplxed me: You are my shelter from troubled winds, You are my hagen, from life's ocean" and only NOW do i see that He har deliberately weakened me so i coukd NOT kill. Like it is therefore LITERALLY true that God has written His laws in my heart, and i can not overstep them, since i do NOT want to kill a person myself.whifh thing would play havoc with my dlicate mental set-up, since my raison d'etre is that I would NOT kill someone personally to keep myself alive,which is what physical combat, at which i am terribly good, means. Wonder if some asshole WILL try to put me to the test? Hmmmm$ my life would be drab without some kinda entertainment, because while i nay NOT kill, no one says i can not inflict GBH, NOOO+
FUCK, WONDER WHAT WILL BE NOW?
OH AND YOU ASSHOLE JOHNO OR WHATEVER YOUR FUCKING NAME IS MUST YOU PUT VINNIE'S TABLET ON AIRPLANE MODE YOU PIECE OF SHIT?
Come on, can i kill him at least? Or fucking throw rocks at him? And apparently the guy with the art chick was responsible for beating up obert wnd maybe thinks he can take on someone the equivalent of a fifth degree black belt in hand-ti-hand combat? My my my, what big egos we little shitheads hwve dont we? Guess my life WILL GET very very interesting rightabout NOW, yessssss!
