I'm not sure when exactly IT happened, or maybe it has been happening without my being aware, but it came to a head so... ineluctably ...that I am now aware of the truth:- what used to be can never be again, not for me.
So, my beef was, OK, so i do not fit in, and I have tried repeatedly to change and I have failed dismally, and so, if I can not fit in, and can not be free to be me in this world, then let me die.
No, scratch the 'let', like this "
I did not, and I did. I can not physically die, because, as i have said in disbelief myself- hey none of you are living my life, and I KNOW what I am talking about- God has made it imposssible for me to do so, BUT things have also taken so bad a turn as i was going, bit by bit less emphatcally, "But, these are people, who feel like I do, who have aspirations and asprins, dreams and deadlines, hopes and hospitals and all that jazz in between, surely I can not disposses tham of their lives simply because i can not stand living as they do?"
well, i have NO hope, NO dreams, NO aspirations, and would not know how to do even the other bits, since when i fall sick I curl up, wait for death and then get bored and get out of the situation.
So, I did not die.
Then I did.
because after observing the ways of people, I have grown increasingly more aware of the looming showdown, and well, let me put it this way, "if i was a predator, and hungry, and before me were bits and pieces of ... steak... walking around, and i desperatley wanted to go vegetarian but there was no vegetation, and no matter how much I tried to sleep i kept on wanting food, would i be denying my nature if finally a piece of meat decided to stray into my path and tweak my mane?
of course, I would call that dinner and eat it!"
And suppress the qualms i felt about fellow creatures since I am not, specifically, A 'fellow creature' per se.
So, my point is, I have arrived at the point where I say, OK, fuck this, i will have my own way, and I wanted to get going anyway, but something that happened yesterday got me to thinking about
x = 2x - 3
since, if you look at it, objectively, one can deduce that an operation is being performed on the RHS in order to get the LFS result, which means, simply, there are 3 things removed from sic things to get three things. Now, ordinarily, I would have cared for the ... feelings... of people and NOT even mentioned this, but hell, I do NOT care anymore. The blunt truth is this
There are THREE mothers out there that will have to, for MY sake, give up their three offspring for the 'honour' of being called mine
Now, once i got to THAT stage yesterday, I stopped having selective blindness. there are only three women that I KNOW that have kids, and the other one i never actually wanted to accpet it till she walked past and I could not blame my partial vision for mistaking her , and the little girl, for someone else when i had seen her outside the olympia cafe from where i sat at vinnie's stall:- the olympia woman.
the other, I am reaching because, as i said, even though I liked her appearance, and all this is in the past mind you, I do not think I can feel anything anymore, and well, king uzziah does demand a toll for dying;- i am not even sure that she put much stock into me, although I MUST add that the next time I DID see the womanm, at the very same beack -lady had been holding her baby boy and had talked, at her ease, with me about the 'joys' of motherhood, - she DID look away as i passed, which Iput to my appearance, never congruous at the best of times, and went tense. The blond woman with the interesting dress.
Then there is the woman that i am totally blind about, and i am going on God's HUD and re-visions about, the one that I saw at the beach, who later tried to show me her other daughter, whom I did not even consider, and who NOW must have convinced her remaining daughter to accept the unnatural conditions i have imposed on her.
well, the daughter has a tattoo over her left breast, and I hate tattoos, and they say these can not be removed, and anyway, why change the status quo. It is the mother I was interested in, and NOT the daughter, at first, and so, what I am getting at is this;-
We shall put it to the test as to whether i actually matter enough that i can have a positive result where God had none, which may be said to be ... relatively... good for me, since if abraham had killed his son, then he would have the world, and he didn't and so, in him every nation of the earth has been 'lowered' so that when I appeared, like now, i would be completely.... different... unique, and without peer.
But i ask NOT that they KILL their offspring, but they LEAVE their offspring, for me.
Demand it, actually, because the thing is, they have to show ME that I am above everything else in their esteem, and if they do so, then I will be pleased. If not, then i have issues, but not with them, NEVER with them.
I am dead, inside, I feel nothing, and so, why should i care what anyone else thinks about me, or who suffers, since i know not even the meaning of the word?
I have my private hell, which none of you cabn even grasp, a heart that is leaden because i do ot even want to be doing any of this, and yet am doing so, so, fuck do not load me with YOUR burdens, since I WILL kill you for that, try me, and see, yessss!
the other, I am reaching because, as i said, even though I liked her appearance, and all this is in the past mind you, I do not think I can feel anything anymore, and well, king uzziah does demand a toll for dying;- i am not even sure that she put much stock into me, although I MUST add that the next time I DID see the womanm, at the very same beack -lady had been holding her baby boy and had talked, at her ease, with me about the 'joys' of motherhood, - she DID look away as i passed, which Iput to my appearance, never congruous at the best of times, and went tense. The blond woman with the interesting dress.
Then there is the woman that i am totally blind about, and i am going on God's HUD and re-visions about, the one that I saw at the beach, who later tried to show me her other daughter, whom I did not even consider, and who NOW must have convinced her remaining daughter to accept the unnatural conditions i have imposed on her.
well, the daughter has a tattoo over her left breast, and I hate tattoos, and they say these can not be removed, and anyway, why change the status quo. It is the mother I was interested in, and NOT the daughter, at first, and so, what I am getting at is this;-
We shall put it to the test as to whether i actually matter enough that i can have a positive result where God had none, which may be said to be ... relatively... good for me, since if abraham had killed his son, then he would have the world, and he didn't and so, in him every nation of the earth has been 'lowered' so that when I appeared, like now, i would be completely.... different... unique, and without peer.
But i ask NOT that they KILL their offspring, but they LEAVE their offspring, for me.
Demand it, actually, because the thing is, they have to show ME that I am above everything else in their esteem, and if they do so, then I will be pleased. If not, then i have issues, but not with them, NEVER with them.
I am dead, inside, I feel nothing, and so, why should i care what anyone else thinks about me, or who suffers, since i know not even the meaning of the word?
I have my private hell, which none of you cabn even grasp, a heart that is leaden because i do ot even want to be doing any of this, and yet am doing so, so, fuck do not load me with YOUR burdens, since I WILL kill you for that, try me, and see, yessss!
